There are some things I don’t talk about, well, lots of things actually.
They’re unacceptable for public consumption for various reasons. Sometimes because they are simply too personal, sometimes because they invade someone’s privacy, sometimes because they are too revealing, sometimes because there is no way to talk about them coherently, and sometimes because they are so far on the side of ‘wrong’ that they require a heavy handed justification and explanation and I can’t be bothered with that.
This is a picture of the first time I played with rope, my ex boy kneeling patiently before me while I painstakingly followed instructions for this dragonfly sleeve. I enjoyed it well enough: time spent with my sweetheart, intense attention, an almost meditative precision, and oh my he was so pretty in rope, but I didn’t ‘get’ it.
I was curious about people’s attraction to rope, and why it was such a draw for so many.
I have been wanting to send my ex boy a copy of my book. After all, it is mostly about him, he was key in encouraging me to put my writing out into the world: It exists in no small part because of and for him.
It is a selfish thing, though, this desire. It is probably kinder of me to leave him alone. But I am often not kind. My wanting to share it is about… well, in truth, I’m not even really sure what it’s about.
Academia: he and his fellows were meant to be grabbing new creative talent and sizing them up for their faculty. He had shyly asked me if I wanted to go. I didn’t, of course. He knew that well enough, but he asked me anyway.
“Of course!” I said.
He beamed at me. It wasn’t just that I would provide moral support: I knew that he wanted to show me off and I love that, truly.
When I saw it, it brought back a rush of memories. My memories are usually packed away and mostly inaccessible without concerted effort, but they are sitting close to the surface for me at the moment because of my anniversary post. When I was thinking about what to write, I looked back on old posts and personal writings to find something that seemed a fitting topic, so quite a few things that are normally hidden away are floating right there in my peripheral vision.