Email from my ex-boy

The email landed in my inbox a couple of weeks ago. It’s been some six years since our last contact, since he broke my heart.

At first I thought it was spam, I frequently get spam that appears to be from my own contacts. He used a name I recognised and an email address I didn’t.

It landed softly this time, a confusing flutter as I realised it was him.

He called me Ma’am, and acknowledged that he probably shouldn’t anymore. His voice strange and unfamiliar and wholly familiar.

What followed was a stream of consciousness from someone … Continue Reading

Loves: 26
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The other day…

The other day, I wrote about you, quiet words just for me. My journal is heavy with the weight of thousands upon thousands of quiet words. And loud words. And sweet ones. Angry ones. Violent ones. Broken ones.

I couldn’t remember your name.

It was a shock. A physical shock. I felt it in the pit of my stomach. A kind of panic.

I was still for a few moments, probing around the inside of my head. Trying to find it.

I realised that I had gone past the sweet gentle memory I had aimed to keep of you, and … Continue Reading

Loves: 15
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Scaling the wall

When I talk with lovely submissive men, the ones who have wonderful qualities, the ones who I should fit with because they are perfect on paper, I want to tell them how to scale my walls.

If you’ve ever been into rock climbing you know exactly what I mean.

“No, up, the hand hold is there on your left, above your head. Yes THERE. And there’s a foot hold on that small ledge there, about knee height. Yes! THERE! Go you!”

I got me to thinking about how my (ex)boy scaled my walls.

And here’s the thing: it was EASY … Continue Reading

Loves: 11
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Word power

When I first told him to call me ‘Ma’am’, he wasn’t happy about it. It made him uncomfortable. He LIKED using my name. He half heartedly protested.

“But ‘Sharyn’ has come to mean ‘Ma’am’ to me…” he said. “That’s what it MEANS.”

I didn’t change my mind though, and he dutifully started using it. Awkwardly at first. Warming up to it as time went on.

It became second nature after a while. I’m not sure how long it took. But it started slipping off his tongue easily, became a sweetness between us. To the point where using my name was … Continue Reading

Loves: 13
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My heart is small and dark

Compersion (n): A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. Referred to mostly in poly or open relationships.

I don’t feel it. Ever.

I am not a kind or giving person that way.

I am selfish and greedy.

Possessive.

What’s mine is mine and you can’t have any of it. Not just physically, but emotionally. That shy smile he does just before I kiss him, that’s MINE. That vulnerable look he gives me when we are sharing intimacies, that’s MINE. That secret he’s shared with me, that’s MINE. The … Continue Reading

Loves: 12
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Footprints

There are those relationships whose influence lasts long after they are over and often for longer than they were alive. Intensity, unfathomable joy, bright starbursts, out-of-control fireworks, terrible pain. Remnants that are still sharp if I pay attention. The tail of the comet is often brighter than the flare of its reality.

He wrote. Words about me. Always his words: strange, and powerful, skirting around the edges of his wild imagination, some truth at their core. He used to tell me about the quality of light where he was. The pleasure I got from his word pictures was far beyond … Continue Reading

Loves: 15
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Putting the past to bed

My First arrives today.

This morning he said he got up to this song. Unbeknownst to me, it’s one that he has associated with me for a long long time.

The first time I heard that song was when my last submissive sent it to me. Similarly (and in a weird coincidence), he also saw me, and us, in it.

The difference:

  • For my last, it was a song about passion, kink, power, love.
  • For my First, it’s a song about an unhealthy relationship, obsession, hurt, badness.

They are both right, of course.

I said I had no expectations of … Continue Reading

Loves: 6
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