Shit Ferns says #15

Random things I’ve said recently, no context.

I eat pretty healthy for someone who doesn’t cook.
For example, last night I had cheese and gherkins for dinner, soooo….

I appear to have burnt my face off

I never end up making it because I am a master fuck-arounder-er


We got rocks thrown at us & chased by a group of men for kissing in the street

…my human skin will slough off and reveal the lizard underneath


Normal-socialising people are really nice

Bahahahaha. I don’t know

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Loves: 5
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Shit Ferns says #14

Random things I’ve said recently, no context.

Is that a ‘yes, I have no intention of meeting you’ salmon? If so you might have to specify: salmon species are not my forte

I think ‘vanilla’ = did not buy dedicated equipment for that :P

And here we have a vintage little number all about self-created snowballs.

“I wanked over a picture of you, THAT’S how sexy I think you are” is not the compliment those into it seem to think it is

“At last a REAL femdom!” rang the enthusiastic chorus, staring fervently at their screens, their collective right hands

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Loves: 4
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Shit Ferns Says #13

I haven’t done one of these for EVAARRR.

Snippets of things I’ve said, no context, for when my brain isn’t firing up enough to write anything of substance.

Am I sitting on your dick right now? Then no, I don’t care.

If dominance doesn’t mean ‘getting the kind of sex I want’ I wouldn’t bother. I can do ‘getting the kind of sex men like and approve of within the very narrow confines of their expectations’ in the vanilla world.

I seriously have to point out how I linked ‘arsehole’ and ‘taint’ there…

If you just want to receive pleasure

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Loves: 14
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Shit Ferns Says #12

You know I missed number 4. That ‘shit I said’ list was apparently so lame, I didn’t even post it. Nobody cared. Nobody noticed. What I need is some decent stalkers who pay attention! Pay’s lousy and it’s pretty dull, but the position’s open.

Just avoided an internet argument by using my ‘Shield of Who the Fuck Cares What You Think’ disguised as my ‘Shield of Maturity’

Well, I do hope your cock is pleasantly shaped, good Sir, for I really am quite particular and unpleasantly shaped cocks simply will not do!

I’m in a horde of zombies (not quite

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Loves: 3
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Shit Ferns says #11

Random stuff, no context…

…”all the best with all the oral sex you are going to be having…” and now I feel super creepy and weird…

Yes, I AM too stupid to use sex toys, it’s TRUE!

…people talking to my ass is just uncomfortable for everyone concerned…

Well, okay, fine. I suction-cupped a dildo to the fridge. Doesn’t everyone do that?

“If only you’d done your kegel exercises, flabby-vagina bitches!”


“Please STFU and Just Look Pretty: How to Please Your Casual Partner”

…bring me pomegranates deseeded onto the body of a

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Loves: 10
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Shit Ferns says #10

There is a contingent on Twitter whose sole purpose seems to be to create 140 characters of sickly love-related tweetery that is so corny and cringeworthy that I can feel my internal organs die a little each time one crosses my timeline.

As sweetness between two individuals, I think a recipient might well adore it. But broadcast as ‘declarations of deep love’, they make me want to smack someone in the face.

“Like what?” you ask.
“I mean, how bad can it be?” you proclaim.


Fine. You asked for it. DON’T SAY YOU WEREN’T WARNED!!

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Shit Ferns says #9

Random, no context.

The asked-for-cock-shot is the holy grail of cock shots, the zenith, the pinnacle, rare & precious

The cycle of fapping is a wondrous thing… and so it goes…

What you actually have to do involves unicorn sweat, fairy dust, rat poison & a hairless goat

We’re not at a union negotiating table here…

I am a cock shot repellent. If only I could bottle it!

…my wanking is an absolute single minded pursuit. Kudos to masturbation-multi-taskers.

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