Shit Ferns Says #13

I haven’t done one of these for EVAARRR.

Snippets of things I’ve said, no context, for when my brain isn’t firing up enough to write anything of substance.

Am I sitting on your dick right now? Then no, I don’t care.

If dominance doesn’t mean ‘getting the kind of sex I want’ I wouldn’t bother. I can do ‘getting the kind of sex men like and approve of within the very narrow confines of their expectations’ in the vanilla world.

I seriously have to point out how I linked ‘arsehole’ and ‘taint’ there…

If you just want to receive pleasure

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Shit Ferns Says #12

You know I missed number 4. That ‘shit I said’ list was apparently so lame, I didn’t even post it. Nobody cared. Nobody noticed. What I need is some decent stalkers who pay attention! Pay’s lousy and it’s pretty dull, but the position’s open.

Just avoided an internet argument by using my ‘Shield of Who the Fuck Cares What You Think’ disguised as my ‘Shield of Maturity’

Well, I do hope your cock is pleasantly shaped, good Sir, for I really am quite particular and unpleasantly shaped cocks simply will not do!

I’m in a horde of zombies (not quite

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Shit Ferns says #11

Random stuff, no context…

…”all the best with all the oral sex you are going to be having…” and now I feel super creepy and weird…

Yes, I AM too stupid to use sex toys, it’s TRUE!

…people talking to my ass is just uncomfortable for everyone concerned…

Well, okay, fine. I suction-cupped a dildo to the fridge. Doesn’t everyone do that?

“If only you’d done your kegel exercises, flabby-vagina bitches!”


“Please STFU and Just Look Pretty: How to Please Your Casual Partner”

…bring me pomegranates deseeded onto the body of a

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Shit Ferns says #10

There is a contingent on Twitter whose sole purpose seems to be to create 140 characters of sickly love-related tweetery that is so corny and cringeworthy that I can feel my internal organs die a little each time one crosses my timeline.

As sweetness between two individuals, I think a recipient might well adore it. But broadcast as ‘declarations of deep love’, they make me want to smack someone in the face.

“Like what?” you ask.
“I mean, how bad can it be?” you proclaim.


Fine. You asked for it. DON’T SAY YOU WEREN’T WARNED!!

(for the record, … Continue Reading

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Shit Ferns says #9

Random, no context.

The asked-for-cock-shot is the holy grail of cock shots, the zenith, the pinnacle, rare & precious

The cycle of fapping is a wondrous thing… and so it goes…

What you actually have to do involves unicorn sweat, fairy dust, rat poison & a hairless goat

We’re not at a union negotiating table here…

I am a cock shot repellent. If only I could bottle it!

…my wanking is an absolute single minded pursuit. Kudos to masturbation-multi-taskers.

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Shit Ferns says #8

More randomness that made perfect sense at the time…

I am a sensitive flower you know! A SENSITIVE FLOWER WITH GUNS, FUCKER!

I feel like the proper answer to every thread is ‘If you are an idiot, stop posting, idiot’

A celebratory ‘fuck off!’ drink!

I want to create a profile called MistressDerp and then post derpy face pics and say derpy things. That would be fucking funny, right?

Just as well you aren’t a deaf mute little girl battling against all odds because then I’d be fucked!

I assume the result was an explanation of blow jobs, swallowing and

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Shit Ferns says #7

Random things, no context.

I’m piloting that potpourri right into a herd of puppies!! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!

And no, really, a cock is a boy-handle, if you want to get technical

Vs dressed up as if your partner is a box of stupid and everyone wants to own the box of stupid

Because the internet is all your fault? THAT’S RIGHT!!!

It will be done in your blood, natch, which must be blessed by a true Domme (that would be me) and pissed on by virgin unicorns (that’s your responsibility).

…I’m all about the cocks, if a man refuses

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