Really really want

At the dog park, I pointed out to e how his dog would run enthusiastically up to a group of dogs, and then she would stand there on the edge and see who was interested in playing with her. A kind of “Here I am, everyone… I’ve done my thing, now if you want to play with me, you have to come to me” thing.

e looked at me. “That’s just like you…”

I looked back at him.

He said, “You really only want to be with someone who really really wants to be with you.”

“Um, yeah… of course!”… Continue Reading

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On socialising and being an introvert

The last BDSM event I went to was with e, there were maybe 200 people there.

He is quite involved in his local community and knows pretty much everyone. Obviously, I didn’t know anyone.

We hung around together, whispering and laughing, having some drinks, talking to people, and at some point we drifted apart.

I spent some time speaking to a rigger about a book project he was working on while he explained in gleeful detail what it was and showed me photos of some of the images he had created for it. I spoke to another man about his … Continue Reading

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‘Yay’ moments

I had my little ‘waaahh’ moments over my trip to meet e, so it’s time I wrote a little about the ‘yay’ moments: enjoyable things that e and I got up to during my visit.

Firstly, I cannot say enough times how amazing e was in looking after me while I was there. I would not expect any boy who I thought had potential to go “Well, no chemistry… have fun in my city won’t you? Buh-bye now…”, but I would not have been surprised (nor would I have blamed him) if he had backed off a little from all … Continue Reading

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Back to normality

I am doing fine. Thank you all for the kind thoughts and the support. I appreciate it very much.

It is disappointing, but I was pretty careful not to get too emotionally invested in it before meeting, so while it is sad, it is not really a heart-bruise, if you know what I mean. It’s more that I was so hopeful and the hopes are now dashed than dealing with the pain of “I truly thought he was the one”. There is sadness and disappointment and there are random swimmy depressing thoughts, but not ‘hurt’, if you know what I … Continue Reading

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I wrote this on the plane, feeling an exhausted self pity and loneliness.

Please don’t read too much into it. It is the ultimate in self indulgent crap, really, and like all of these things, it is a moment’s snippet and while it lingers a little, it is already over and I am not wailing or tearing my hair out. It will dissipate soon enough when I have had some sleep and recalibrated a little. I just figure that if I am sharing things here, well, there are these moments also.


I am sad and lonely and feeling sorry … Continue Reading

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On drinking…

I don’t generally drink much: I am kind of a lightweight with the drinking.

However, I am cleaning up this place that I have been staying in for about 12 days, and there are five empty wine bottles in the corner. In addition to this domestic drinkery, most nights I have gone to e’s place where we have a few drinks, then we go out, maybe to dinner, maybe to a bar, and… yes, you guessed it… have a drink… or two, maybe three.

He sent me a text just now:

“We drank two bottles of wine last night.”

Tonight, … Continue Reading

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My sent emails XXX

Subject: Thank you for tonight

Hello e,

Not just tonight, but for every day and night since I arrived.

Seriously, you have been amazing, kind, generous, entertaining and overall lovely.

So, thank you.

Ferns… Continue Reading