Now we all know (don’t we, gentlemen?!) that approaching a dominant woman who you don’t know with a list of kinks that you would like to have done to you is inappropriate, as is asking to be her slave, telling her how she should dominate you, what she should wear, what she should say and how she should behave while doing it and etc.
This post is not aimed at wankers or idiots or blockheads who will never ‘get’ that, who will never get past the drooling and grunting, it is aimed at genuine submissive men who are new to BDSM and looking for a relationship with a dominant woman. It is aimed at those men who discover a BDSM community and who suddenly and inexplicably forget every social skill they have ever learnt in their entire lives.
I don’t know what happens, but somewhere between “Wow, people just like me!!” and “Hello GoddessSupremeOne” some smart, well meaning, kind, lovely men lose their minds. New and shiny submissive men, this is for you!
“Would you care to train me?” is not an appropriate question to ask a strange woman who you don’t know. Neither is it appropriate to say to a strange woman anything along the lines of “I would like to be your submissive”.
Doing that is like walking up to a vanilla woman in the street and in the first few sentences saying “Would you care to be my girlfriend?”. It’s weird and kind of creepy, right? Think about why it’s weird and creepy. You are a mature man, and I am 100% sure that you have never ever approached a vanilla woman that way.
Dominant women looking for a submissive are women seeking a relationship. While the relationship may be of a different kind than you are used to, and there are many many variations in the detail, it’s still a relationship, and it’s generally an intimate and personal one that a woman will have with someone with whom she has a strong connection on many levels, someone she truly likes and enjoys.
Approaching a woman who you don’t know with an offer of your submission is akin to saying to her “I don’t care who you are, you labelled yourself a Domme, so you’ll do…”. Do you understand how that doesn’t make her feel like you value her or even like her (how could you, you don’t even know her!)? It makes her feel like you will submit to anyone (would you? if so, I would have a think about that), and that devalues both you and her.
Dominant women are bombarded with those offers day in and day out… mostly from wankers, but also from men who are somehow misguided into skipping all the steps that it takes to court a woman with his charms (being sweet, smart, funny, having sparkling conversations, discovering common interests, getting to know each others quirks, going out on dates, sharing a sense of humour, flirting madly etc etc… normal relationship stuff). They go straight for the “Here I am, ready to be submissive… you can have me for free!” and somehow think that’s going to work (trust me, it won’t!).
Most dominant women (I really really want to say *all* dominant women, but can’t, because it takes all sorts) are not interested in “a submissive”, they are interested in YOU… you, the man… you, the fun, interesting, unique individual who happens to be submissive. I have never met a dominant woman who says “Yeah, he’s a jerk, and boring and we have nothing in common… my god, he’s insufferable! But he’s a great submissive!” It doesn’t work that way.
My advice to you – don’t suddenly forget everything that you have learnt about women and relationships because you think you are somehow in an alien world where normal rules don’t apply. Treat communication with her like a normal social interaction with a woman who you want to get to know, who you want to impress, who you want to *like* you (YOU, not some strange ‘uber-subly’, offer-yourself-to-strangers type version of you).
All the rules of relationship building stand in this strange new world, so deliver.