NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project]


There are some things I don’t talk about, well, lots of things actually.

They’re unacceptable for public consumption for various reasons. Sometimes because they are simply too personal, sometimes because they invade someone’s privacy, sometimes because they are too revealing, sometimes because there is no way to talk about them coherently, and sometimes because they are so far on the side of ‘wrong’ that they require a heavy handed justification and explanation and I can’t be bothered with that.

My ex boy was a revelation for me. He allowed me to explore things that I had never touched before. I am turned on by things that are extreme, undoable, frightening. Things I normally lock away in my head, never to see the light of day. He revelled in all of it and I trusted him implicitly not to be horrified, not to recoil from me.

One of the things we played with was the idea of me killing him. I’m not sure, really, who led who into the abyss, but we went there together.

I would whisper horrific scenarios into his ear of me doing just that as I hurt him. Describing graphic violence, tearing holes in his body, ripping the skin from his bones, shoving my hands and my cock into new orifices in his flesh and ripping out his insides as he writhed and screamed. Sometimes the violence was too terrible even for me and I would bring in other people to carry out what I could not. The floor would become slippery with his blood.

He wanted me to kill him, the ultimate surrender, for him to suffer in violent and terrible ways and have me leave what was left of him crumpled on the floor and to walk away when I was done.

It was a viscerally hot kind of interplay between us that came from somewhere primal and vicious.

It required an incredibly high level of trust. We had to know that neither of us would turn to the other in the aftermath with that look, you know the one, the disgusted “there’s something very fucking wrong with you” look that blames and retreats and is repulsed by what is revealed in those moments.

I don’t know if I will (or can) go there again with someone else. There was something very special about him that made me feel safe to reach into places that had never before seen the light of day: his reaction was always to find anything that I brought to him excruciatingly hot. Because it came from me.

I’ve never felt that level of unconditional acceptance before, I’m not convinced I ever will again. I’m also not sure that’s a bad thing: it’s not clear how far that rabbit hole actually goes, but I do know I never hit the bottom of it. Not even with him.

Loves: 14
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  1. I love this, Ferns, because it’s so raw and real.

    We all have our own rabbit holes, and when someone will hold our hand while we travel down them… It’s a heady thing. No matter how much we fear the Red Queen.

    I admire your guts in putting this out there. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you. I was wary of writing it, but this NaBlo ‘post a day’ lark is forcing me to publish things that I might otherwise have sat on. Perhaps it’s making me brave.

      I 100% agree on the hand holding *smile*.


  2. Bunny,

    Never fear pleasure, when he doesn’t appreciate your eagerness to explore; Well love, he’s lost well before the loss…

    Just a thought.
    Proud…walk proud!

    1. Thank you International Man of Mystery.

      I think it’s easy to *say* ‘never fear’, but I think there are plenty of things that are going to be unacceptable to an otherwise beautifully compatible partner. If it’s a *need* for a happy relationship, you have to take the risk. If it’s not, then it’s a completely different beast.

      When you’ve had someone you care about look at you with disgust, you learn pretty quickly that some things probably need to stay under wraps. Not least because once you put the monster on the table, the risk is that they may never look at you the same way again. That’s worthy of a bit of fearing.

      Am I a Bunny? How did that happen? Baffling.


  3. I know “that look” all too well. One of the things I cherish most in a man is being able to be this vulnerable around him. It’s so incredibly rare to find someone I can share those parts of myself with. I hope that you can find someone again who will revel in all those places you want to go!

    1. Ugh, I’m sorry you know that look.

      I have worked pretty hard to avoid ‘that look’ all my life by weighing up whether certain things are sharable, and often it’s a ‘nope nopenopenopenope’.

      You’re right, it’s incredibly rare. And I’d even add that with some people you may be able to share the *idea* and they are fine with it, but that still doesn’t mean you can share ‘whatever it is’ with them. The two are kind of separate things.


  4. Yeeeeeeeah fantasies uh huh *nods wisely* and WHAT exactly is that chain saw doing over there Ferns ? Yes that one covered in blood and other fluids ?

    Seriously well done on looking into the abyss and saying yeah so what ? Once you can do that, then you’re never really afraid of yourself again. It’s something I’ve always tried to do and (at least in my mind) I have become like Granny Weatherwax
    “She walked quickly through the darkness with the frank stride of someone who was at least certain that the forest, on this damp and windy night, contained strange and terrible things and she was it.”
    ― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
    Whether you’ll ever this open and this person with someone else only time will tell but good luck in the hunt

    1. *smile* I love that quote.

      I’m not really a good sharer, so there are things that I have literally never told anyone ever. Until him, that was one of them.

      Perhaps I will just blurt them all out on my death bed :).


  5. Even if unrevealed, I enjoy knowing that others have dark thoughts and impulses that are so far on the side of ‘wrong’ that they require a heavy handed justification and explanation. At least I can tell myself that mine are probably no worse that those of anybody else.

  6. I am really grateful for this post. I have never found someone to go to that edge with, and I suspect I never will only because I’m afraid to look. I’ve set internal boundaries for myself that I’m both dying to cross and unwilling to touch. The fact that I crave real, visceral violence, (in addition to so many other things), is something that both fascinates and appalls me. You wrote so eloquently and honestly about something that I haven’t yet squared with myself. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, and how valuable your reflection is.

    1. Thanks so much for your comment: I’m happy and relieved to hear similar from other women (and I have to say that as disturbing as it may be to me in my own head, I always imagine the horror I would feel if I was a man who felt these things, especially a young man… I think about that a lot).

      I am still somewhat uncomfortable with certain ways my head works, but I’ve stopped beating myself up about it: Internally I’ve accepted the wiring. And frankly, knowing that a lot of it isn’t physically possible to enact makes it easier to accept.

      Externalising it, though, makes me see myself from outside and THAT brings back that feeling of bad wrongness.

      I am so curious about how he and I might have explored had we stayed together. He wrote this once in a Q&A:

      “I would like her to do to me the thing she has most wanted to do but has never ever—maybe because it is too impossible, maybe because it is too comical, or maybe because it is too illegal altogether world-wide—done before.”



  7. That’s… pretty damn hot.
    I can’t help but think this guy really knew how to press your Domme buttons.
    Just incredibly hot.

  8. Second word, final paragraph (if I’ve got it right). Please fix that, only because it jarringly broke the rhythm as I was reading it, and I had to do a triple take. I believe this post will be a major piece of the puzzle, for me.

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