There are those relationships whose influence lasts long after they are over and often for longer than they were alive. Intensity, unfathomable joy, bright starbursts, out-of-control fireworks, terrible pain. Remnants that are still sharp if I pay attention. The tail of the comet is often brighter than the flare of its reality.

He wrote. Words about me. Always his words: strange, and powerful, skirting around the edges of his wild imagination, some truth at their core. He used to tell me about the quality of light where he was. The pleasure I got from his word pictures was far beyond what was on the page, they warmed me from the inside, their intensity sometimes made me feel sick with want.

He would throw them at me, dense and amazing and full of his madness and depth, and I would see him in it. Really SEE him. And his delight every time I did was a revelation. He told me, in that grand manner that boys in love do, that every word he had ever written was for me. He just didn’t know it yet. And that every word he wrote while we were together was for me. All of it was mine.

That is distant now, of course: he will have written more and lots and put his new heart into it all. I wonder what the result will be. I am restless, too eager, and so very curious to see if the capital M Mark I made on him has survived, has been immortalised, lives on in him in the same way it does in me.

I will wait for his newest book, which the internet tells me will be out soon. I will look out for it, buy it immediately, I will scour it. I will believe that every word is for me, still. Even if I don’t really believe it.

But if I see myself clearly in it, I mean for real, and not just in my own imaginings, I will recognise it in an instant. And I know it will still break my heart and I will love it and I will want to send him a note that says ‘I see you, boy’ and I suspect I will cry.

Because I am like that over these boys who leave footprints on my heart.

Loves: 18
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  1. I do believe I have another favorite post again. I am always so envious how your words so easily paint the image for your readers to not only see themselves but to feel inside themselves too.

    I know that you are good at seeing people. So I can only imagine how much deeper that is for your partners, how they feel that you really see into them. *sigh* Damnit I want someone real that can see me! lol


  2. I am blessed with someone who “sees” me. Even when I’d rather he didn’t, he always knows. I used to rage against it, hiding ever deeper, creating more and more layers to cover what I thought was my own defectiveness. But he always found me under there, that one little bright spot that was unarguably ME. So over the years, I have grown used to being exposed, bare, naked to him even when he doesn’t realize he’s stripped away a protective coating. I am rapidly protective of my relationship with him because ultimately, it is the only place in the world where I am completely real.

  3. Jeez Ferns! Could you be anymore amazingly poetic!?
    See, that is why I love (in a totally not creepy) you! I can’t tell you how much I identity with this. Thank you, you’ve brightened my day (:

  4. Reading this…sometimes you make my heart weep.

    “The tail of the comet is often brighter than the flare of its reality.” ::sigh::

    ~ Vista

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