I need a man who can let me access the little boy inside. There is something terribly appealing, something precious about that wide-eyed inner child.
It has nothing to do with age play or infantilism, it has nothing to do with being maternal or a mommy figure.
It has to do with innocence and imagination and a sense of wonder. There is a quality in the men I like where they can open up and offer trust to a level that grown ups have forgotten, they do it in a way that makes you imagine that they have never really been hurt. That’s not true of course, about them not having been hurt, and in fact, the opposite would be true… the ability to allow someone to reach that little boy must mean that they get hurt more often and more deeply than others, and it takes a particular type of strength to behave as if they haven’t.
I liken it to faith, a little. It is a level of trust that makes them close their eyes and step into the void even when they are scared, even when they know they are vulnerable, they do it anyway. And it is more, even, than that. They are able to bring down all of their defences, they are able to be naked and scared and show it openly, without artifice or bravado… they are able and willing to strip back all of those walls that we build, the ones that separate us from others, the ones that make us seem strong and confident and invincible, they are able to remove those barriers and be small and raw and messy and vulnerable, and in that state, they trust.
If you want to know why I love the submissive men that I bring into my life, that’s a reason, right there, that little boy who will slip his hand into mine and follow me. I don’t know how they do it, it is an amazing quality, a strength that absolutely blows my mind, it is rare and precious and wonderful.
Honestly, I don’t know how they do it.
I have always felt like trust is at the heart of everything we do. It goes beyond BDSM. As humans, when we love someone, we put our happiness in their hands–we let ourselves need them; and conversely, they let themselves be needed. This is thrilling and terrifying from both directions.
Mistress Matisse wrote on her blog recently that BDSM is “graduate level sexuality.” This resonated with me, because I think it has to do with the trust required. Every relationship–vanilla or kinky and everything inbetween–requires trust. What we do, however, delves deep. I'm not talking about being tied up–though that does require trust. I'm talking about the sort of submission you mentioned in this post.
Being tied up is, “I trust you not to axe murder me while I'm physically helpless.” That's easy, though. Anyone can do that. Submission–total submission–sounds more like this:
“I trust you with not only my body, but also my very sense of self. I trust you with my memories, with my feelings, and with every flaw that I'm self-conscious about. I trust that you will take me on a journey, and that I will close my eyes and follow where you lead, because when it's over, we'll both be better for it.”
The reason I read your site is to find out if there are domme's who feel the way you just described. I thought, perhaps, that my feelings of needing a Domme as you describe where …. too centered around my own feelings. Yet I strongly feel that once I have that connection you just described, there will be no joy greater than to be for Her.
You describe an awesome dynamic here. It is the very thing that provoked my interest in D/s in the first place.
While I am not really sure of how much of the “innocence and imagination and a sense of wonder” I have retained, I was willingly led, by a wonderful woman who showed me a new way of seeing myself. Even though our online D/s relationship has ended, we remain friends and are both able to say that our journey of discovery left us as better people
My B refers to me as her “SSB” – her “sweet submissive boy.” My comfort level with this nickname comes from knowing myself and having the wisdom, courage, and compassion to allow B to know me. Part of that “me” she has come to know and love is the playful, willing, smart-alecky boy. :)
I'm 39, but my “little boy” is very happy with this post.
A big hug from an American,
submissive dude: “Submission–total submission–sounds more like this *lovely description of trust and intimacy*”
I totally agree with you, and you stated it beautifully.
I separate the 'little boy' even from that though, he is a special case. You can have all of the wonderful things that you describe in your relationship and still not get to the little boy. I am not diminishing the amazing level of trust and openness that you describe, but to me, the little boy is a very specific type of interaction.
I wonder, as always, if I can say it in a million different ways, and still it is just something that I can't quite communicate in the way that I want.
Nevertheless, your description of the level of trust you experience is beautiful and true and I thank you for it.
Knightboi: “The reason I read your site is to find out if there are domme's who feel the way you just described. I thought, perhaps, that my feelings of needing a Domme as you describe where …. too centered around my own feelings.”
There is no 'right or wrong' in all of this. There is only compatibility and chemistry. I know that sounds trite, but I truly believe that. I am the wrong Domme for a gazillion submissives, just as there are a gazillion submissives who are wrong for me.
There *are* Dommes out there who feel as I describe, and there are some who will be your complement. Finding them, though, is a challenge – not because you have such unique needs, just because that's life.
I am glad, either way, that I have helped you see that we are out there (we *so* are!!).
slapshot: “You describe an awesome dynamic here. It is the very thing that provoked my interest in D/s in the first place.”
Ahh… interesting…! Sometimes men have a little boy who is screaming to get out… mostly, though, you have to coax them out with cookies…
Thank you, by the way, for your help with getting my template sorted, I greatly appreciate it.
ServingB: “My B refers to me as her “SSB” – her “sweet submissive boy.”… Part of that “me” she has come to know and love is the playful, willing, smart-alecky boy.”
Awww, that's so sweet!
Clarence: “I'm 39, but my “little boy” is very happy with this post… A big hug from an American”
Oh, I'm glad it made your little boy happy! And thank you for the American hug.
you have to coax them out with cookies…
I understand that Tim Tams work quite well.
“I am glad, either way, that I have helped you see that we are out there (we *so* are!!).”
Yup we're here…but I agree that it's difficult to find that perfect chemistry. But nothing worthwhile is easy to achieve. And having that little boy come out of a grown man is most definitely worthwhile.
slapshot: “I understand that Tim Tams work quite well.”
You scare me with the secret cameras you have in my house! And yes, Tim Tams are the big guns of coaxing!
AngelSam: “…it's difficult to find that perfect chemistry.”
*nod nod* Oh how I wish it wasn't so!!!
I have been reading these blogs on d/s relationships for not very long but planning on continuing it, but the more I read, the more and more beautiful it becomes. Trying to learn as much as I can, very interested.
Disco: “…but the more I read, the more and more beautiful it becomes. Trying to learn as much as I can, very interested.”
I am glad you are finding things that you think are beautiful.
There's so much information out there, and every single relationship is different (just like vanilla relationships!). It is very easy to get overwhelmed and confused, so my one piece of advice is this:
There is no right or wrong in any of this, no matter what anyone says, there is only what is right for you and yours.
I hope you enjoy your explorations.