Come and have a seat and let me tell you what’s going on with me…
NOTHING IS GOING ON WITH ME!!!
So I’m going to hark back to some random things that I left hanging.
What happened to balloon guy?
He replied to my email quite politely, and it was clear that he was in fact skilled in cleaning (he ran some sort of office maintenance company), but the tone of his email was off-putting to me. Even though it was polite enough, it was clear to me that he really wasn’t interested in engaging with me, so he answered my questions in the most cursory manner possible with a kind of “Look, I’m answering your questions, so how ’bout it then?” impatience. There was no hint of a conversational tone that might have led me to feel comfortable with the idea of inviting him to my house. He also mentioned that the last woman he had done housework for pissed on him, which did nothing to allay my fear that he had expectations that I wasn’t interested in meeting.
It was a long-shot, frankly. I thanked him for his response and told him I’d think about it and let him know if I was interested. He emailed me again about a week later to see if I’d made up my mind, and while I was considering my response to that, his profile disappeared.
Is the second kissing date with holy fuck beautiful eyes that you mentioned still happening?
Yes, yes it is. I misunderstood when he was back in the country, so got prematurely excited about it.
He wants conversation, he wants me to unleash hell on him, he wants ALL THE THINGS! But the fact that I have avoided talking to him means I really don’t know him and despite his newly expressed interest in BDSM and submission, I’m not comfortable with more intense play than we have dabbled in already.
So it will be a kissing date with the same rules as the first kissing date. I’m willing to make a concession for a little Q&A since I am curious about his trip and his writing, but it will be mostly kissing and all the good things that go with it. We both know what to expect from each other this time so I think it will be even better than last time.
It’s scheduled for mid September, but you know, shit happens, so we will see.
How’s your book doing?
It’s going pretty well given I haven’t done any marketing (I need an experienced ebook marketing minion, apply within: ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com!)
And by ‘pretty well’, I mean that it has some absolutely wonderful reviews, I get some astoundingly lovely emails about it, and I’m selling more than zero.
#127,607 #71,684 (edited 10 Sept) in Kindle’s paid store (I have no idea what that means, but look, there must be millions of books in the Kindle store, right? So I’m going to consider that a total win!).
How’s the body project going?
I’ve been struggling for a little while to be honest. At some point I realised that unless I want to get SUPER SRS (I don’t), I’m not going to get closer to what I want.
What I really wanted was lean muscle that was visible when I was relaxed, but the truth is that I’d have to work much harder (at my peak, I was going to the gym 6 days a week) and eat specifically (I was already eating really clean and hitting protein targets) to achieve that goal, and I wasn’t prepared to do any more than I had been.
Letting go of that goal kind of caused me to fall into a big hole of ‘now what?’
So I’ve been in maintenance mode for quite a while (and while I say ‘maintenance’, it does mean I’ve slipped some): Pilates twice a week and gym ‘when I feel like it’. I’ve been on holidays, had my birthday, and gave myself permission to slack off for a while. I realised that going to the gym for ‘maintenance’ wasn’t going to work.
At the moment, I’m trying to replace gym workouts with the high ropes course (it’s a full body workout, and challenging, but the mental challenge means that the physical is compromised) and indoor rock climbing (again, a great workout). If I can do each of those once a week and Pilates (still) twice a week, I figure I should see some strength improvements.
The issue is that the high ropes course relies on good weather and the rock climbing relies on a partner being available. It’s hard to get into a routine if I’m reliant on external factors. So I’m still working it out.
Yes, fine, but what about femdom stuff? Dating? Prospects? Huh huh huh?
Seriously, I’ve got nothin’ *sigh*. It’s been so long since I’ve talked to someone who I got really excited about that I think I’ve forgotten what it feels like. I removed photos from both CollarSpace and OKCupid because I was starting to feel irritated over even perfectly nice emails that just bored me to tears.
I’m tempted to put up a more vanilla ad on OKC to see if casting a wider net might work better. I mean my amazing ex is vanilla (well, a vanilla submissive) and we were happy together for many years, so who knows right? Eh, I probably won’t. But I might :P.
So, what’s goin’ on with you?
Good to hear about what is going on…even if it is not much in the areas you would like. sigh. Life can be like that. Hang in there.
On my end, thing were really hectic during the past few months. Lost of travel, both fun and work, but too fast and too much. Not enough time at home.
But sprinkled in it was some really good discussion and insight into my kinky nature for my wife, and she has recently upped the demonstration of her control, which has been very nice and made me all hot and bothered, smile.
*smile* Thank you for sharing!
Hectic travel is exhausting (often even if it’s for fun).
Yay for great discussions with your wife. Exciting!! So lovely to hear.
I have been thinking about you often in the last months. While trying to figure out how to improve my life I sometimes had you as an imaginery point of reference.
At the moment, it looks as if the man I met through my blog left me. And I am asking myself a lot of “why”-questions.
I dont believe in coincidences. I chose this man out of a huge pool of wonderful guys who were interested in me. It was MY decision. I wanted him.
A couple of weeks ago I put him under enormous pressure and told him that I want to marry /to be married. I told him to take/marry me or to leave me.
And he left me. Or actually: After having sent me about 2000 emails in the last years, he now stopped all communication with me.He does not take my calls and I have not heard from him in 3 weeks at all. And this is obviously not a good sign….
The interesting aspect is:
When I had told him that I want to be married at the end of 2014 /Summer 2015 at the latest, for a moment it looked as if he would agree to it. And during that short moment, all of a sudden, seemingly out of the blue, I became super scared. I had this feeling of: “OMG; Really? This is really going to be happening? I am scared of it.”
It was fear of success. It felt like “this is too good for me. This cannot be happening to me. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve so much good”. Being his wife was all I dreamt about in the last years with him. And now I realised that the idea of becoming his wife, the idea of living my dream, scared me.
It was one of the aha- moments one sometimes has in life.
I got a rare glimps in my own invisible scripts. A glimps in my deepest fears and insecurities. It almost looks as if I (by forcing him to make a decision) sabotaged my relationship with him because according to my own invisible scripts what we had was “too good for me”.
The reason why I am sharing all this with you is:
Reading your blog I often had the feeling that you are as good as I am in sabotaging yourself.
Not sure if this rambling here makes much sense to you (or anybody else reading it). But Ferns, my point is:
Do you really , I mean from the bottom of your heart , see what an amazing woman you are? And do you really allow yourself to have a happy relationship with a wonderful man? What are your invisible scripts?
Oh my goodness, Tina, that’s such a sad story. For those who don’t know Tina’s blog: she is in Germany and her man is in the US, and they were supposed to live happily ever after.
I know you have had some ups and downs with him over the years: maybe this is just a glitch and he will come to his senses. But ugh, ‘no contact’ is the WORST in a long distance relationship. For me it’s the hardest thing to forgive because it’s just so cruel :(.
And thank you for thinking of me and asking some hard questions (and yes, what you are saying makes sense). I find the idea of invisible scripts a really good one, and the possibility of self sabotage rather frightening.
My instinct is to say ‘aw hell no: I just don’t find men who I really like to even TEST that theory!’. Though perhaps I am being influenced by an invisible script before I even get that far. I’ll have a think about that.
*hugs* I really hope things work out for you.