Morning routine

I have a morning routine that I stumble through every day while my brain is hardly even awake. It doesn’t vary unless there is an external reason for it. My extreme love of this habit is slightly disconcerting because comfort in routine seems like it could become quite obsessive.

  • I wake up, and take stock. Half asleep still. “Can I sleep more?” “Is anything sore?” “Am I *really* awake?”
  • If the answer to the first is “no”, I masturbate. It is not the sexy lolling about with multiple toys and lots of sexy noise-making that you see in the ‘women masturbating’ clips on the ever-reliable internet. Clit-focussed, eyes closed, my mind conjuring up images that are completely wrong and hot. I come.
  • I immediately get up. Naked.
  • I open the heavy black-out curtains to the glass doors that lead to the back deck and look out towards the mountains, across the houses, to the horizon. I take note of the weather, and the wind. Today is stunning, the sky a pale clear blue, not a breath of breeze.
  • I open the deck door, tie the curtain back. Feel the temperature on my bare skin. It’s cool-ish today, summer is over.
  • As I walk towards the bedroom door, I approach the full length mirrored wardrobe doors. I check myself out. I always look much the same, this is more a mental check than anything, which is strange, but true. If I look amazing, or not, it’s coming from my head and has not much to do with my body.
  • I go to the toilet (no poetics in this)
  • I go into the bathroom and wash my hands.
  • I look at my face with the same mindset as I do with my body. A check to see how I feel about myself today. Sometimes I make a face at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I smile, she always smiles back. She is friendly.
  • I check my eyes, which are sometimes red. I don’t know why. I blame the computer. Eye drops sometimes.
  • I twist my hair up into a comb and wash my face. No soap, just water.
  • I put roll-on deodorant on: Rexona Sport for Men because I like the way it smells
  • Toothpaste on my electric toothbrush, it goes into my mouth and I pad out of the bathroom, go down the hall to the kitchen.
  • I turn on the coffee machine.
  • I go to the front deck doors and open the blinds. The sun rises on this side, I look out onto the park, I check out the surf to see how it looks. Today the surf is small and smooth, there is no-one in the car park, the beach would be empty.
  • I open the glass door to the front deck and take a moment to be thankful. Sometimes there are people walking or running in the park across the road. I am never concerned that they will see me naked behind my deck doors. Nobody ever looks up.
  • I turn on my computer which sits on the couch, I sometimes press ‘play’ on my ipod which is permanently on shuffle, I press ‘home’ on my iphone to see if there were any tweets at me overnight
  • I wander back to the bathroom, my teeth well and truly brushed now. I rinse the toothbrush.
  • I go back into my bedroom and grab the sarong that I left on the corner of the bed the night before, wrap it around me, knot it behind my neck.
  • I go into the kitchen and make coffee, flat white. Hot water into my huge black coffee mug to heat it, the jug filled to the same point with milk and steamed, the coffee tamped just so. I add two fake sugars.
  • When the coffee is made, I wipe down the machine, put water into the filter handle and the jug to soak.
  • I take my coffee into the living room, settle on the couch, put my laptop on my lap, log in with my coffee beside me and here I am.

I’m looking out onto the park, various birds screeching and chirping, the sound of the occasional car driving past, the trees still in the sunlight, the last rays retreating from my floor as the sun rises in the sky, glimpses of the blue sparkling water.

Good morning.

Loves: 13
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  1. OK, it’s late and there are no doubt much more incisive questions I *could* ask if my brain were working properly. However, in my thick state all I’ve got is:

    “I go to the toilet (no poetics in this)
    I go into the bathroom and wash my hands.”

    – You don’t have a washbasin in the toilet?

    1. No, I don’t (though the fact that you asked if I had one ‘in the toilet’ made me laugh).

      Is that surprising to you? It’s common here in older places with a separate toilet.


  2. I think it’s great to have a morning routine. Yours looks like a leisurely one too.

    Mine changes depending on whether I’m working or not, which shift I’m on, and how much sleep I got, (or didn’t get) the previous evening.

    Then there is the odd day when Gigabyte is so aggressively awake that the morning starts extra early.

  3. It sounds like a good morning indeed. I’m a creature of habit when it comes to mornings, too, but I would struggle to be poetic about any part of my routine.

  4. Good evening Ma’am,

    I’ve been reading a good deal lately. Lots of in-between time, waiting. Doctors visits. Treatment visits. Mostly the old, worn magazines that have the name and address of the subscriber either poorly scraped off or lamely crossed out. I’m really good at concentrating for the first few pages, but often become distracted by a noise or become bored with the content. I’m tired of Putin and though I am saddened by the loss of lives, the search for the airplane no longer interests me.

    Occasionally, if I’m lucky, and I remember, I will bring my laptop and spend the waiting time on the internet.

    This morning was one of those lucky days. I remembered. I brought the laptop, and I read your latest entry. It is a marvelous piece. Its beauty lies in simplicity and the comfort of routine.

    The initial stages of Bonnie’s treatment have not been pleasant for her. It has never been easy for me to see her hurting. I find myself wishing for a simpler time, the routine of yesterday.

    This morning, sitting in that treatment room, I found the safety of the simple and the comfort of the routine. Thank you.


    1. What a most lovely and thoughtful comment, thank you for it, Stan.

      I am sorry that you have to spend time in the waiting rooms at all, but I’m glad you found some comfort here.

      My best to you and Bonnie.


  5. Your morning routine sounds lovely. Mountains? Masturbation? LIES. I know in my heart that everyone’s morning routine is conducted in a hurry while looking like shit. FERNS Y U HAVE EVEN THIS FIGURED OUT. RAGE FACE.

  6. “Summer is over” ???

    My first thought was “Wait a minute ,Spring has hardly started”

    But then it comes to me that mentally I just dont believe that the rest of the world is not in the same time zone or in the same season as me ,(despite evidence to the contrary)

    Your routine sounds so pleasant , and apart from a few minor variances ( sunshine / blue sky/ surf/mountains) its much like my own -(well checking to see if Im still here / deodorant/toilet/coffee in common lol)

  7. My morning routine now I’m retired is to get up, look at the wreckage in the mirror and think “fuck it” and go back to bed


  8. Is it not better to brush your teeth after coffee instead? The taste of tooth paste does not mix so well with coffee… ;)

  9. Oh, how exciting to have a glimpse into the life routine of Ferns. I always find it fascinating, probably because I am a boring but always curious person, to see into the lives of others.

    Do you sleep in a certain position? I know a weird question. I saw a study once that fascinated me that basically theorized how a person sleeps at night, or how they originally lay in bed at first, is related to their personality type.

    I have had an ex that would stroll around the house nude with the curtains open. We lived in a pretty remote area with not many people around but it still drove me nuts then. She would laugh when I would tell her jokingly that it was going to be her fault when I went to prison for killing someone who looked at her wrong when she would walk around nude.

    *runs over shuts your curtains* haha


    1. *laugh* I’m glad you found it exciting. I know what you mean about the ‘curious’ thing… I’m terribly nosy myself.

      I normally start on my side, but just before I fall asleep, I lie on my stomach and put the pillow over my head. This saves you from monsters you know!


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