I’ve said this before in different ways, but I’m going to say it again.
What I expect from potential submissives, or even submissive men I am just flirting with, is that they do what they say they will do. Every time. Reliably. Without fail.
Hell, I apply that rule to everyone, but with *other* people, I don’t really care either way. Do it, don’t do it, whatever. No skin off my nose.
With a submissive man who I might be feeling out for more than flirtatious banter, though, it’s everything.
It’s how I develop trust in them. It’s how I feel sweet with them. It’s what makes me feel potential. Without it, I lose interest.
If someone says they will do something, or worse, they *offer* to do something of their own volition, and then they forget or don’t bother or otherwise don’t deliver, they are showing me what value they place on the words they say to me. And they are showing me what their submission is going to look like. I believe that to be true, even if (especially if) it’s a small thing and even if they didn’t sincerely double-pinkie-promise cross-their-hearts-and-hope-to-die swear to do that thing.
If someone says they will do something, I expect them to do it.
It’s so SIMPLE. Truly.
And yet… and yet… my goodness.
So many submissive men I’ve interacted with struggle with this. I find it truly baffling.
“I’ll get you that link tomorrow.”
“Hey, what happened to that link you were going to send me?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot. I’ll send it tomorrow.”
I know to a million and one people that’s really no big deal. But if I am feeling him out for some potential, it’s a big deal for me, even though I don’t at all care about the thing. I only care that he said he would do something, and didn’t.
If I like him, I will explain that it’s important and why, because somehow people have become blasé about doing what they say they will. Because it’s no big deal, and ‘wow, way to make a mountain out of a molehill, Ferns!’
It’s like they are so used to throwing random words out into the void that they no longer MEAN anything.
“Wait, you thought I was actually going to DO that thing I said I would do?! Oh.” As if it’s some bizarre expectation.
I discussed similar with the sex-voiced Texan in a slightly different context quite early on. He likes older women, but he said they tend not to take him seriously, think he is a game player, a notch taker. I asked him how he ‘proved’ himself to them. “I always do what I say I will,” he said, stating a fact, as if it was obvious.
So far he has batted 100%. I don’t ask much of him, but if I do, or if he offers something, he does it. I *know* that shouldn’t be a thing, but it really is. I’m learning to trust him in this, which smooths our interactions, makes them sweeter, makes me feel connection, gives me space to do some D/s flirting (which I love).
Last night he was going out with friends, but he offered to do something I asked of him when he got home. The choice of timing was his: I didn’t really care when he did it. As it got later in his timezone and it didn’t arrive, I had a sinking feeling: Disappointment. When it got past 1am, I didn’t bother checking my inbox any more.
I didn’t WANT to be disappointed by him. It’s an awful feeling. I was already mentally imagining the chat I was going to have with him about it. I wasn’t angry or upset. He owes me nothing. But I did want to be clear, in case it wasn’t already, that I will lose interest if I can’t trust him. And that’s what it is: trust.
At 1.23am… *ping*… there it was in my inbox.
I felt… relief, and, oddly, like I wanted to cheer for him. I know that sounds weird, but I was rooting for him: I WANT him to deliver, to succeed, to sit in that sweet spot with me where it feels like we are in this thing (whatever ‘this thing’ is) together.
I also felt guilty for not trusting him when he has consistently honoured every word he has said so far. That bit is entirely on me and it’s unfair. It illustrates to me how much I’m influenced by previous experiences, and how long it takes me to trust someone. My goodness, though, sometimes it’s nice when I’m wrong.