Reader Q&A: Vanilla, young lovelies, cookies

These questions landed in my inbox via my ‘Ask me’ page… Thank you for them!

Dear Ferns,

This is a bit difficult to word so bare with me please (:

I have denied my Top side for a very long time.

When I was single I could be quite aggressive sexually and then I met my husband. He opened up a softer side of me and I have become very comfortable letting him lead. Now I find myself thinking about “activities” that I would love to do but my husband is both extremely hetero and kind of a macho man and I know he is not remotely interested in these “activities”. I crave these things and am not sure what to do… Any advice?

My first question is: ‘How do you know he’s not interested? Have you asked him?’

I think we sometimes don’t give our partners enough credit. Though I 100% do understand how we all get into our rather rigid roles in a relationship and it can be hard to break out of them, I do think many things that we think might not be on the table can be if we are brave enough to bring it up.

I’ve not met a man yet who didn’t like to experiment in the bedroom. Nor have I met a man who wasn’t willing to try new things with me if I told him I found them hot. Granted, he may not like them all, and that’s okay, but it’s truly worth asking about some of the milder activities.

I think if what you like is ‘extreme’ for a vanilla man, you may well run into resistance (heavy pain, humiliation etc), but lots of milder forms of BDSM are hot for anyone who participates in them regardless how ‘hetero’ or ‘macho’ he is. Sexy stuff should be sexy and hot: start slow and light, let him know how much you like it, how much it turns you on, give him lots of reassurance.

Given the ‘hetero’ comment there I’m imagining you like anal play, which I know many men are scared of (silly silly things), so if pegging is your thing, don’t lead with the whole shebang: maybe start with a massage where you ask him to trust you to simply give him sensation around his arse without penetration etc.

So my advice: Bring activities up as hot sexy things you want to try, tell him how hot it makes you to think about doing those things with him, go slow and light, and see how it goes.

Good luck!


I’ve read your blog for a long, long time now but never got up the guts to ask you a question. I recently ended an interaction with a submissive man (long story, won’t get into it) but essentially it came down to me feeling that he gave off a lot of signs of someone who was emotionally abusive. The thing is, I seem to run into a lot of these. Where my internal red flag just goes up UP UP.

I am not naturally a distrusting person, I do not think everyone is bad or out to get me. So I do know that it’s not that. I am beginning to wonder, is it how I interact? Is there something inherently different about how a submissive male functions that I might be misreading? I know this is an odd question but I couldn’t think of where else to ask it!

Hello there, thank you for being a long (long!) time reader *smile*. I’m so glad you got up the guts to ask your question (though I do apologise that I am so slow in answering!).

I’m assuming from how you used the word ‘interact’ that you mean online because mostly if it’s in the flesh, people use other words (dating, relationship etc).

Firstly no, there is nothing inherently different in how a submissive man functions. Nor how a dominant woman functions. We are all people, we live in the real world, we relate on a human level, we have jobs, kids, bills, worries, triumphs etc.

There ARE, however, lots of fantasists, deluded people, liars, users, not-nice-people on the internet. On both sides. From a woman’s perspective, you have to get VERY good at identifying the men who fit those categories and weed them out as soon as possible because there are SO MANY and they will be all up in your inbox because you are female and identify as dominant and hell, that’s every porn clip they’ve ever wanked to personified.

It takes time to learn how to screen for them, but the simplest advice I can give you is this:

If a man can’t have a normal conversation with you, where he relates to you like you are an interesting human being who he would like to get to know, then he’s clearly showing you how he sees you: believe him and move on.

If he leads with kinky stuff, what you will do to him, if he can be your slave, if you ever did x with a previous partner, offers his arse for pegging, etc etc, forget it. If he talks about something in your profile, a comment you made somewhere, world news, art, his dog, the last book he read, the latest computer games etc, THAT’S a normal conversation.

You asked if it was you. I doubt it. Though what you can do to avoid actively attracting the wankers is to ALSO not lead with sex or kink (no salacious pics, no ‘what you will do to him’ in your profile, no hot fantasy stories etc). If you have those and like having them out there, there is NOTHING wrong with it (goodness knows I’m all over that shit here), but be aware that it opens the door for men focussed purely on that stuff to land on your doorstep yelling ‘Me, PICK MEEEEE, Goddess Supreme Ruler of All The Universe!!’

Best of luck.


Did you ever go and see the movie “My Mistress”?

Curious what you though of it if you did.


I did. I had the review written months ago, but got distracted by shiny things, so I haven’t finished it.

Soon, greg, soon…


Oh this section is completely what I need. A delphi-domme oracle.

My problem is that vanilla dating is just about making me cringe with tedium and if I have any more pleasant chit chat I’m going to be retirement-home-ready decades before I should be.

I don’t need a genuine domme. My natural submissive nature is about reverence and the thrill of being led rather than physical masochism. Somehow though I’ve been perverse in a not-good way and I’ve been speaking with perfectly nice women who are not taking charge.

Oh Oracle why is this so? Is it because I’ve foolishly sought physical attraction in prospective partners, rather than seeking hints of assertive, alpha-female tendencies? Is it because I just don’t tell my nice companions “by the way I’m a natural submissive, so you’re completely in charge in every way”. And what the hell is one supposed to do with nice women anyway? They’re everywhere like a plague and I can feel myself becoming nice in their presence, kind of like the way colours fade in delightful sunshine.

Please tell me why Oracle.


Hello Martin,

This made me laugh:

“I can feel myself becoming nice in their presence, kind of like the way colours fade in delightful sunshine.”

*laugh* Touché. I’ve always considered ‘nice’ to be the worst kind of insult. It’s right up there with ‘pleasant’. To me, you may as well just come out with it and say ‘bland’ or ‘boring’.

Well, unless you say ‘Niiiiccceee’: that’s different :P.

My advice, grasshopper: Stop dating vanilla women and expecting them to be dominant.

You’re welcome!

Ferns, aka the Domme Oracle

Hi I had a session with a mistress first time and wanted cbt,but when she performed cbt ex: hot wax , abrasion , clamps clips she only applied it to the outside of the penis she did not pull back my foreskin so that I would actually feel the sensation. Is it common knowledge among mistresses or should I mention it? I feel awkward asking her to retract my foreskin. Thank you

It doesn’t matter if it’s common knowledge or not (I have no idea): if you want something specific, you have to ask for it. I understand it might be awkward. Just explain to her that you don’t really feel those sensations as much if your foreskin isn’t retracted and you would really like to experience the intensity she is delivering.



I’m a young Domme, less than a year into exploring my dominant side. I’m one of the lucky ones that got to explore this part of myself with my first boyfriend, who at the same time got to explore the submissive part of himself. It comes naturally to both of us, and honestly we can’t picture it being any other way.

I have to thank you, because along with exploring came researching, and your blog was one of the first that I stumbled upon. I love it, and it managed to make me feel a little less weird – and more comfortable with who I am in general. I really can’t thank you enough for that.

I do have a question. Since I’m fairly new, and only eighteen, I still have a very hard time getting out of my head sometimes – that is to say, sometimes I can’t just relax and stop worrying about life in general to be as in-control (or at least feel as in control) as I want to, especially in play with my boyfriend. It doesn’t get in the way a lot of the time, but it still bothers me. So do you have any advice so that I can get out of my own head?

Thank you again, so much

– A.M.

Oh, A.M., what a lovely note, thank you so much!! I’m so delighted that you got something out of my blog *smile*, and you are so very welcome. I really appreciate you telling me so.

As to your question: I don’t think that what you’re experiencing with struggling to get out of your own head is at ALL unusual. I think for many women, it’s a really common issue, not just to do with D/s, but I know a lot of women struggle to orgasm because their heads get in their own way. So frustrating!

If it’s part of your relationship with your lovely submissive, if there is anything that he can do to take *care* of some of the things that clutter your mind, have him do those. I suspect, though, that you are struggling with more esoteric things than ‘I need to get that washing done’.

You can try some pre-play rituals to get you into the right frame of mind. They might short-circuit the distractions a bit. It could be something as simple as setting up the room how you like it, same way every time (candles there, crop over there, cuffs here, some rope around the headboard – even if you don’t plan on using those things it’s the mood creation more than the ‘stuff’). You can teach your submissive how to do it, so that you are setting the scene together. Then he can do it by himself while you watch.

Or maybe you would like a massage from him, or to give him a massage.

It doesn’t matter what the ritual consists of, it’s just a way of settling your mind and focusses you on the here and now, and on him.

Congratulations to you both on finding each other :).


im a 41 year oldmale and I have never done anything like this before. I saw your ad on backpage. how would I go about seeing u and what type of evening will we have together Anthony nnn-nnn-nnnnn

I have no idea how this happened…


I understand your point on people doing what they say they will. It is an important element in any relationship of any type. May I ask if you hold yourself to that same standard? Do you do as you say you will, or do you feel that as a the dominant one you have a the prerogative of not following through? Thanks much and certainly enjoy your writing.

Hello Noah,

I already answered this in the comments, but I’m answering again because it’s important.

Yes, I hold myself to the same standard. I do what I say I will.

Just as I need to trust him, I need him to trust me.


how does it feel to be a domme? what are the plus and minus side to it?

It’s awesome.

Plus: I get all the cookies :).

Minus: Sometimes we run out of cookies because I ate them all :(.

Plus: That’s okay because my submissive will go to the shop and get more cookies! :)

Did I mention it’s awesome?


Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so it’s all secret squirrel business…

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  1. Love your answers, so well though out!

    I think the term “oracle” fits well. That is why I keep reading. Well, that and the good writing style. Oh, and the humor. And the erotica. And the introspection. Wait, also the…

  2. I’d like to add something to A.M.: I’m also someone who struggles with turning her head off occasionally. Rituals are good for that but I’d make them specific. What always worked for me is the act of collaring. It triggers the “now the dynamic is in play”-sensation. You could make a little ritual out of it, like having him kneel before you, bow his head, then put it on him. I always felt that this helped to switch off the rational part of my brain.

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