Trust doesn’t flow one way. I know that’s obvious, but we D/s folks talk a lot about how the submissive has to trust their Domme and all that. Yes, true.
But as a dominant, I have to trust him also.
I have to trust him to accept my dominance happily, I have to trust him to glow under it, I have to trust that he will tell me when something is wrong, I have to trust that he is sincere in wanting to give me the things that I want, I have to trust that he is happy to be treated the way I treat him, I have to trust him to say ‘yes’ to me over and over.
Without that trust, I can’t exercise my dominance. I can’t. Because I will be second guessing myself over and over. Without trust in him, I will feel like I am not at all able to understand where he is in it, it will be as if I am blind in trying to read him, like I am groping around in the dark while worrying that I am going to knock him over some cliff and I won’t even see it coming. And that doesn’t work for me.
And that trust comes slowly for me. It must, that’s how it works.
The basis, the underlying and initial way of building my trust is simple:
Do what you say you will do.
It’s not complicated. It’s not difficult. It’s not scary.
And yet, it seems to be a serious challenge for some. I don’t know why that is. I mean, it’s not something that is unique to D/s. I expect that of my vanilla partners, my friends, my family, my work colleagues.
And yet, it’s not unusual for a new potential that I am talking with to fail at this.
“You said you would look this up for me by end of today. Where is it?”
“Gah, sorry, I forgot / thought tomorrow would be okay / didn’t realise it was urgent / was busy / something etc…”
The first time it happens, I figure that they just didn’t understand how important keeping some small commitment is to me. They didn’t quite ‘get’ that this is how we build this thing, with small fundamentals where I learn to trust him to do what he says he will do. So I explain it in excruciating detail.
The second time, I am truly baffled since I explained it the first time and he said he understood.
The third time, I am going, “Okay, I don’t care what the excuse is, this is obviously not working.” and we have *a serious talk*.
It may be any number or combination of things on his side, and it varies from one case to another of course. But I don’t choose to speak with men who aren’t smart enough to understand what I am saying to them about it, so whatever it is, it’s not some kind of misunderstanding.
Once is a mistake, twice is baffling, three times is ‘serious talk time’. After that, it’s simply incompatibility.