The first thing I asked of e did not go so well.
It was a small thing, a simple thing… I had asked him a question in an email. He had been formulating an answer, he reassured me that he had not forgotten, but it was taking days, too long.
I gave him a deadline. He agreed to it.
Then he failed to meet it.
He sent me a note some 5 minutes after the deadline explaining that he had had a bad morning, that it was on its way. The email itself arrived about an hour after the deadline. He said that if his explanation was not sufficient, he would accept my punishment.
I checked my email about 10 minutes before midnight, and I thought, “It’s fine, he is fucking about with it and will send it a minute before midnight.” I honestly didn’t believe that you would miss the deadline for a moment.
The start of your day was rough, I understand, and am glad it was sorted, but if it really was that dire that it took up all of your time, and you recognised that you weren’t going to hit the time earlier on, and had asked for a bit longer, I might have given it to you. Contacting me after it was already due to say that it wasn’t done is something else entirely.
There is no punishment here. I have no interest in starting off this way, with this cycle where you don’t do what I ask and a punishment somehow makes it okay. If you are mine, and punishment is warranted, then that is a different scenario. Right now, we are just feeling each other out to see what’s what.
Do what you say you will do.
It’s not very complicated.
I said to you earlier not to over promise and under deliver. I am serious about it. Any idiot off the street can do that, and make excuse after excuse as to why they didn’t do what they said they would do, on things both big and small. Some excuses are credible, some are not. It really doesn’t matter much if the result is the same over and again.
I want to say dramatically that this is the first thing I have asked of you, and I thought a relatively minor one, but my poor memory doesn’t allow me the luxury of saying it and pointing out the result of it. Regardless, you have to earn my trust that when I ask things of you, you will do it… if you ‘might’ do it, or not, then I have no interest in it. That whole ‘will he/ won’t he’ thing gives me nothing to build on.
I expect a lot from you because I want you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t bother.
If you are sorry, then apologise. If you don’t understand why I am going on about it, then we need to talk about it.
He did understand it, he was abjectly sorry for disappointing me, he immediately apologised and explained his mindset a little further.
Prior to this, I had had 100% faith in him. It had not really occurred to me that there would be a problem, so I was shaken by it (not in an ‘earth trembling/the sky is falling’ kind of way, but in an ‘hmmm, okay, I need to downgrade my expectations here’ kind of way). It was not a good feeling. Something that should have been sweet, was not.
It’s not the ‘thing’ that is important for me, it is the trust in his obedience, and if I can’t get it with the small things, then I’ve got buckleys of getting it with the big ones.
There is a difference between ‘knowing’ something in a vague and theoretical way (because we have talked about it) and really *knowing* it when you are in it. This is true especially when it doesn’t seem like a big thing. This is part of the learning curve: e does not know me so well yet, and getting to the point where he understands my expectations will take some time. I’m okay with it, but this one just seemed like such a no-brainer that I had literally not had a single thought about it going wrong.
We talked about it, we dealt with it, we moved on.
The positive thing to come out of it is that he handled the entire thing with grace, which is a wonderful insight for me. It gives me confidence that we will be able to work things out when we hit snags. He ‘got it’, he explained without being overly defensive, he did not close down or withdraw, he remained engaged, he was genuinely contrite, he promised to do better.
By the time it was all sorted, I wanted nothing more than to have him kneel by me, make him kiss my feet and tell him that it was going to be okay. That I got to that point of feeling tenderness after the fact, rather than distance, was a *really* good outcome.