Online domination: What does it mean?

I see online domination mentioned, and I can imagine what it means, but I’m wondering what exactly does it mean to you, if you have an online dynamic. —Question on Fetlife

Assuming we’re talking about online-only interactions, I think for the majority of people (both dominant women and submissive men) it means online play of some sort, mostly ‘her telling him to do things that get him off’. Whether that involves jerk off instructions, sex chat, humiliation, butt stuff, self-spanking, whatever: The underlying objective is the same. At its best, both of them find it hot and fun. At its worst, she is doing a bunch of hard work to provide him with wank fodder <= this is a common scenario and is why ‘pay for play’ exists in this domain.

I think a much smaller percentage of those seeking online domination want some kind of relationship, emotional engagement, connection. Either because they don’t want to, or can’t, get it face-to-face.

I haven’t sought anything online since my first BDSM experiences in real life, but when I was first exploring, I found BDSM online, and I explored a lot in the online spaces. I used to trawl for cyber sex in the chat rooms on IRC because I thought it was fun, it got me off, and a lot of that was spinning D/s type fantasies for personal porn and wankery.

My first not-face-to-face submissive of any importance was online-only, way back when. He was in the US. And it was before Skype and digital photos and fast internet. It was mostly IM and email, I think we had one phone call (they were so expensive) and exchanged one photo.

It was fun and sexy and illuminating for both of us. I cut and sharpened my teeth with him. There was genuine affection, a close connection, we enjoyed each other for a year or more.

As well as talking and flirting and being sweet, there was a D/s undertone to all of it. Plus I’d tell him hot-dirty things to do and he would just… do it: Unf. He was articulate and smart (of course, I pick the good ones :)), and I would get his feelings and thoughts (i.e. personalised porn) to masturbate to either in real time or after the fact. Double unf.

There is something incredibly intimate about plucking these kinds of unfiltered thoughts and feelings directly from inside his head and having them delivered raw: It’s very different from interpreting reactions from outside like you often do in RL interactions where non-verbal cues, and physically ‘doing things together’ take precedence. Online, all you have is talk and more talk, and the remoteness makes people brave, gives them the courage to share things that are difficult or scary. It can make it easier to be vulnerable.

As a power trip, and to explore my (our) boundaries, and to push us both, I’d experiment with how far I could go, how far I could make him go. It was all pretty mild in the scheme of things, I mean, I was a know-nothing newbie, but I learnt quite a bit about myself in that online relationship, he gave me that gift.

I heard from him not so long ago out of the blue. Shocker to have him in my inbox decades after the fact. An unexpected delight to know that I still have a place there in his head and heart. There is a midlife period, I think, where people look back before moving forward again. Mainly he wanted to know if it was ‘real’, the experience we shared.

It changed his life, he said.

And in all the important ways, it was real.

What we shared wasn’t some ‘throw-away’ piece of fly-by-night wankery between strangers. It was a legitimate, albeit limited, relationship at a pivotal time in our lives where we were testing ourselves and each other out. I had genuine affection for him, he was the focus of a lot of my emotional life, and provided the fertile ground in which the seeds of my dominance found purchase.

And that’s some real shit. So yes, it was real.

I lost the taste for online domination when I ventured out into the real life community. And I do think it WAS a loss, that part of my imagination, and the willingness to engage, to emotionally immerse myself in those kinds of exchanges, all of that slipped away. Once I had all the complexities and full-flavoured sensory input of real life BDSM experiences, the ones that I could only touch at a distance felt pale.

I can do LDRs, and have, and arguably I am well suited to them, but I need much more than just online connection now.

Now I meet all of my submissives online, and I will happily flirt around the edges of D/s before we meet to see how that kind of interaction feels for us, I might ask him to do some things for me, shove at him a little to get the behaviour I prefer. I am who I am after all.

But I rarely play remotely and won’t invest too much online: That takes more, much more.

Online domination of various kinds works for many, but it tastes a little dry and chalky to me now.

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8 Comments

  1. Hi Miss Ferns,

    As a Mistress who thrives in online dominion, I loved this piece. You so beautifully describe the intense connection that happens in D/s online. It is delicious. When lives are in turmoil and real life partners hard to find, online dominion can be just what the doctor ordered.

    Solo sex is safest after all, in every technicolor detail. Shared masturbation while playing tease and deny games with a safe internet playmate can be like Disneyland for adults!

    Cheers!
    Mistress Snow

  2. Mistress Ferns, once again, your simplistic yet eloquent prose drills home an intriguing point. “I think a much smaller percentage of those seeking online domination want some kind of relationship, emotional engagement, connection. Either because they don’t want to, or can’t, get it face-to-face.” This is the crux of why domination online is where I find myself… I don’t know if want it IRL … as a sapiosexual, I’d much rather my imagination be the chamber in which I play… Online can and will take you much deeper too.

    1. “Online can and will take you much deeper too.”

      I hear this quite a bit from those who are only online, but I only ever hear it from those who’ve never had successful D/s relationships in real life, so there is pretty much always a lack of experience behind it.

      I think you’ve been the most honest I’ve seen with ‘I don’t know if want it IRL’ and ‘I’d much rather my imagination be the chamber in which I play’. It’s a much higher level of self awareness than I normally see behind those kinds of statements (normally it’s about the ‘purity’ of the connection without the physical and I just don’t buy that).

      I think I gleaned (or maybe you said) that you are Mistress Snow’s submissive. So my question is this: If circumstances changed and you *could* be with Mistress Snow IRL, would you really say “No, I don’t think so, because online can and will take us much deeper.”

      I’m seriously asking if that’s a thing you would ever say to her? Or would you go “WE CAN HAVE IT ALL, HELL YES!!”

      No obligation to answer of course, I’m just very curious.

      Ferns

      1. Thank you for your reply, Miss Ferns…

        “I think I gleaned (or maybe you said) that you are Mistress Snow’s submissive. So my question is this: If circumstances changed and you *could* be with Mistress Snow IRL, would you really say “No, I don’t think so, because online can and will take us much deeper.”

        I’m seriously asking if that’s a thing you would ever say to her? Or would you go ‘“WE CAN HAVE IT ALL, HELL YES!!”‘

        If she was truly MY Mistress and having it all was what she wanted, on a compulsory level, I couldn’t deny Her that, it would behoove me to do everything within my ability to show Her my wants matter less than Her pleasure, and I’d only do this because my obedient side implicitly trusts She’d never hurt me and would do everything within Her ability to make sure I knew I mattered

  3. I can’t believe it’s been almost 10 years but I did have a brief LDR with the emphasis on kink. It went largely as you’ve described above but with the addition of “mandatory” texts at certain times of the day, as well as morning and evening check ins and even the occasional phone call.

    We developed a pretty strict line between friendship and our online relationship so the phone calls always remained friendly with just a little mild flirtyness.

    Eventually, I flew out for a quick visit and while it went well. it marked the beginning of the end. I still look back on that time with fondness.

    1. I think that’s not uncommon: Where a visit marks the beginning of the end of something online. They are two very different kinds of relationships and I think that moving from one to another has a lot of challenges.

      I’m glad you has something positive going on while it lasted though.

      Ferns

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