We have kept in sporadic touch: a few texts, the occasional flurry of emails, some light flirting.
Some of our exchanges feel like a kind of esoteric dance. He throws in little snippets that capture my attention, make me think, puzzle or intrigue me.
“i think the engaging thing between us might be,
that you are capable of doing anything,
and i am capable of letting anything happen”
I feel like I do a quizzical head-tilt when I read some of it, I think about things in different ways. I enjoy that a lot.
In response to this post, he asked to see the list of things that I thought might make me sound like a psychopath.
I refused to share it.
Soon after our kissing date, I shared an extract of a story from my book that actually reminded me of our time together. To me it was a hot, passionate, violent piece. It was not well received, and I thought, “Okay, I’ve freaked out the vanilla boy. Lesson learnt.” I was not about to send him a list of things that I *really* thought made me sound a little unhinged after that.
He asked again.
HFBE: “Now serious: please send psychopath list. For real. Let’s see how much we click.”
Me: “*smile* We don’t.
If you recall, the last time I sent you a snippet of insight that I thought you might be able to relate to, you recoiled with a distinct lip curl of distaste and a Wolf Creek reference…
I have to add that the piece that prompted your Wolf Creek reference was NOT something that I thought made me sound like a psychopath. Not at all.”
He then sent me a most surprising, sweet, vulnerable-making email about his ‘deep, abiding’ submissive feelings. He said he was scared to write it, but he went ahead anyway (this, of course, is a thing that presses all of my buttons). Part poetry, part revelation, and all of it very surprising to me.
He said his previous negativity was a defence mechanism, that he was being flip and dismissive to avoid admitting his interest. He gave hints of those defences during the kissing date also: needing to place his apparent submission squarely in the ‘not really me’ box a couple of times. I was okay with that at the time: I had expected a completely vanilla kissing date and got much more than that from him. I could understand that the D/s aspect might have made him uncomfortable despite him wanting to explore it a little.
Among other things, he said:
[Admitting it…] would involve the knowledge that clicking with you is a one-way ticket on a one-way train, and other lyrics from the song “weirdo libido”,
but also the knowledge that this is not strictly about libido, but the linkages
between sex, spirit, magic, and power, in ways that scare half the world’s
population, and the other half consider myth.
Regardless of my vulnerability to creative use of language and original thought, I struggled a little with what to do with that information.
There are reasons why I have thought from the start that we weren’t a match, reasons why I insisted that we avoid talking and I explicitly made that a rule when we met. While his lack of submission was one reason, it was one of several, with others floating around fundamentals such as political views and social interests. Still he obviously continues to intrigue me in ways that pique my curiosity.
We talked a little about what he meant by ‘submission’ compared with what I meant by it and I think we are probably far apart even there, but given he is months away from me, I didn’t see much point in delving into it remotely. While I enjoy his way of communicating with me, it is not all that conducive to clarity in understanding.
So how did we leave it?
HFBE: Well, shall we wait ’til I get back and meet up?
Me: Fine, though I reserve the right to decide if there should be another ‘no-talking’ date first. I’m still convinced that this talking business will ruin the tenuous connection we have, so I might want to have another go at you before we kill it with chitter chatter.
HFBE: Strewth, I anticipated it all being no-talking dates. 8D
Me: *smile* Done.