Vanilla date #2: Hot Older Man

The Hot Older Man is some ten years older than me, I initiated contact with him because I liked his active photos and big wide happy smile. We had a very high match percentage which tends to mean our values align. Among other things, he’s a high level martial artist, an instructor, so very lean and fit.

I’m not sure what to say about the date.

He’s not as attractive in person as his photos showed: He looks older, more tired, smaller. He had 6’1 on his profile, and he probably is, but he’s so lean that he seems delicate, like a much smaller man.

We spent a couple of hours together over lunch, we got along well, conversation flowed and was interesting, but it was a strangely impersonal meeting. Like work colleagues, or meeting up with your friend’s friend who you are being polite with.

I’m at least partly to blame for this: I’m not particularly good at opening up. I’m a brick wall and I’m reactive. Which means that I respond to how he behaves, and if he’s not offering anything for me to stick my fingers into, I will stay on the surface. Either he tried and it didn’t hit my buttons (i.e. I missed it, which is absolutely possible) or he didn’t try.

With the Incompatible-Awesome, he is one of those boys who just puts things on the table as an offering, utterly without walls. Kind of shy and nervous, but at the same time he is fearlessly open, and we all know that kind of potential vulnerability hits something in me and I will jump all over it.

With the Hot Older Man, it was a bit like two titans facing off. Not that there was any chest pounding going on or anything like that, but it was a much more sterile exchanging of views from on high, talking about politics, and social change, and theories about digital media. Like we were circling each other without getting anywhere close to anything real.

The upshot was interesting conversation and zero personal connection.

On the upside, I found a way to talk about my writing while still protecting my pseudonym and content.

“I write in a niche area. I’m not comfortable sharing the details because it’s a bit too much information for a first date… :)

I DID give him ‘relationships’ as a general area (I might have said ‘alternative’ and might also have mentioned ‘sexuality’, I forget now).

I had a small ‘oh’ moment thinking about a snippet of conversation after the date.

I answered a lot of very clear ‘I’m dominant’ Q&As on the dating site (he did not, or those he did were about ‘equality’, so he indicated no particular D/s interest either way).

When I was talking about my writing and said that I had published books (without specifics, but in the relationships/sexuality genre), he gave me a knowing look and suggested that he might have bought ‘a couple of those books’.

Me then: Ha ha, I doubt it :)

Me now: Oh… OH…!

Obviously I could have asked more about that but I didn’t.

We parted amicably, he offered to walk me to my car (not for safety reasons, it was broad daylight with a lot of people around, just because) which was quite sweet. We parted with a polite cheek-kiss and half-hug. He threw a vague ‘See you again’ out there.

I didn’t expect to hear from him again. I was okay with that.

But that night he texted to politely ask me to let him know if I’d like to get together after I get back from my travels. I said I would, slightly against my better judgement. It’s that thing where he seems really nice so maybe if I try a little harder, I can make something fire up. I’m not quite sure why I think that’s a thing really. Part of me knows better, but I’m still a hopeful sort.

As for Incompatible-Awesome, I throw him out a text now and then and we have a cute-funny exchange (we are on the same wavelength which is lovely and rare). Before I left the country I texted him to let him know.

In case you text me with some fabulous plan for more kissing & I ignore you, I’m at the airport. Will be o/s for a couple of weeks. Jet-setting and etc *dramatic hair swish*

I am seriously thinking about setting up a kissing date with him.

Loves: 16
Please wait…

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  1. Spark, its hard to define isn’t it? He sounds a nice guy (even if in my head I keep thinking of HOM as Horny Older Man).

    I’m curious though (and nosy, very very nosy). I know you said he had answered his profile questions very ‘equality’ but was their a sniff of submissiveness vs politeness in the feel you got with him?

    People can be guarded, especially if they’ve been burnt before, and sometimes you can get past that if they need to know you a bit better, some people are just like that. But… did you feel any hint of that energy? I just can’t imagine the predator you with someone who didn’t have that light up in their eyes when they get themselves in a tangle.

    Fellow introvert feels for you on needing someone you can bounce off of in order to engage.

    1. Spark is SO hard to define.

      No, there was no stank of submission (marketing needs to get on that for a perfume :P) on him.

      It was ‘pleasant’, that’s all.


  2. Great write up. Isn’t it amazing how the most unlikely people surprise us(not the older guy) Good luck and safe travels.

  3. I’m impressed you gave Old Guy a chance. Ten years older! That’s generous.

    The way you describe the conversation…that’s exactly how I imagine it would go if we ever met (which of course wouldn’t be a date-date.) I’ve had first meetings with kinky women that went like that too (we didn’t meet again)–decent conversation, no spark.

    Oh, and here is a guess: he knows exactly who you are (I mean, on the net) and has read some of your kinky books. He tried to give you a hint (since he isn’t 100% sure) and you didn’t pick up on it.

    And yes, have fun wherever you’re going.

    1. Ha! I normally am not such a fan of older men, but this one is a martial arts instructor, so a lot of the reasons I don’t normally go for them weren’t relevant (sedentary, unfit, unmotivated, have no interests outside of work etc… you know, old people stuff :P).


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