I get oddly stressed when I lose the inspiration to write. Either I don’t have anything I want to say, or I have so many things that I can’t nail any of them down and make them come to life. Lately, it’s been the former. I know it’s no big deal, it will come back, but the feeling is disconcerting. Like there’s a void that I fear will just get bigger and bigger.
So here’s my go-to in times like this, just to get something on the page and break the impasse: Random thoughts.
I’m compiling a list of why I’m a bad Domme. It’s not like the lists that you always see where women very understandably rail against the stereotypes (e.g. “I don’t wear latex catsuits” etc), but really, one that flies in the face of what many people think you *should* do to be safe and skilled and reasonable and a good partner and a good dominant and all of that.
It makes me laugh, and I keep adding to it every time I see someone give some perfectly sensible advice about D/s, or gives hints on how to figure out if a dominant is good people, and I think “Yeah, I don’t do that *adds to the list*“.
In truth, the list makes me sound a bit like a psychopath.
Unsurprisingly, I haven’t shown anyone yet.
I’ve had TV series marathons lately. I don’t watch much TV, so it’s unlike me. I just wanted to turn my brain off with mindless entertainment. I watched all of Game of Thrones, and all of Breaking Bad, and have just started True Detective. I loved both GoT and BB, and now my dreams are filled with Walter White and the blood of dying people.
I love this trend where these shows no longer have heroes. Was Dexter the first of this kind? Perhaps, but he was clearly a ‘hero’ whereas these characters are not: they are self serving and selfish and mean and violent and unappealing. I love it, and I love the indiscriminate death of characters, that all of them are at risk, no-one will be saved.
The skill of writers in creating these ugly characters that you are still fascinated by in one way or another is wonderful.
Late at night before I go to bed my mind sometimes conjures up sadness and regrets. I am not sure why that is. Perhaps because I keep those sad things in locked drawers in my brain and when I am tired, they gleefully unlock themselves because I am not paying attention.
They are random and probably triggered by something that I am unaware of.
When my last submissive and I broke up, so long ago now it seems, he said to me “Can we still talk sometime? I like to hear your voice.”
I said, “Yes of course.”
We didn’t though.
Sometimes I puzzle at how someone who knew you inside and out, who was like a part of you, can become a stranger. As if they are someone you have never met, and never will meet. Sad.
I sent my vanilla ex in the UK a copy of my book. Less for him to read it and more for “Look look! I wrote a MOTHERFUCKING BOOK!!” He is the only vanilla person I will have told about it.
It’s strange that I still call him my ex because it was 20 years ago now, but that’s who he is to me: He was the first boy I ever fell in love with.
I was exploring BDSM when we tried to make it work again after breaking up. I took him to a club. He was curious and willing, but it was awkward, and not the experience I wanted to share with him.
I’m pretty sure I gave him the link to this blog at some stage, but I suspect he lost it along the way. As far as I know he doesn’t read it, and we never really talk about my relationships because when we have it hasn’t gone so well. Sending him the book was surprisingly nerve wracking, not least because it links to my blog and twitter, which, oddly, feel like *more* exposure than the actual book. I am a little terrified that he will go “LOL… weird!” which would be horrible.
I’ve booked a holiday in Fiji towards the end of June. It will be about 2 weeks. So far I have kayaking and snorkelling on the agenda. I tried to swing it to include swimming with manta rays, but there are only a few places from which you can do that, and I couldn’t make the logistics work.
I’m considering not taking my computer.
I’m considering not taking my computer.
I feel strangely isolated at the thought *laugh*. Less because “I must get on the computer every day” and more because taking away the *possibility* of it removes the option altogether. This probably means it would be good for me.
It’s getting cold here. I have to keep stifling myself from saying “Winter is coming” in a deathly serious voice because it’s so lame and everyone else was doing it some 6 months ago. Still, it makes me laugh, so I do it a bit in my own head and then snigger to myself.
I have removed my profiles from OKCupid and Collarme for the moment. I couldn’t bear to have another perfectly nice and ordinary conversation that I wasn’t interested in, and if I couldn’t engage with at least some level of enthusiasm, it seemed unfair to engage at all. I feared that I would become one of those jaded people who snaps back impatiently at random strangers because they aren’t what I want.
Re the above, I get a little frustrated when really fun and interesting and cute-as-fuck sweet boys land in my inbox with a *whump* and they aren’t potentials for one reason or another *shakes fist wildly*.
I mean, come on.
Don’t be all ‘unavailable awesome’! That’s just unfair!
Have you heard of the term ‘active bottoming’? If you have, how would you define it? I’m having a fascinating conversation with someone about it at the moment. I’m not familiar with the phrase, it’s new to me, but I REALLY like the concept of it.
We have lots of training and classes and workshops all aimed at topping skills. Much fewer aimed at bottoming skills, and I think that can lead to the very passive idea of “Well, all I have to do is show up and do what I’m told” thought process. Which is fine if that’s what the top wants, but it’s certainly not what *I* want, and describing what I DO want and having a term for it is a huge step forward.
*kicks brain* There. I wrote some stuff. Happy now?