Wooed, pursued, romanced

Dumb Domme was asked a question about submissive men pitching woo. In her response, she referenced a post by Mistress Lilyana about her frustration that she was never romanced by submissive men and she pointed to a conversation that the three of us had about it on twitter.

I left a ranty comment on Mistress Lilyana’s post at the time and then wrote an equally ranty post here (I’d actually forgotten all about that post, and wrote THIS post before I realised I’d ALREADY FUCKING RANTED ABOUT THIS… GRRRR!).

Even before all the ranting, I’d written on ‘pitching woo’ before where I said:

I will pitch woo at a boy I am interested in like a major league pitcher, but he had better come to the party and catch, and then do some pitching of his own.

In truth, I think if there is a mismatch in how someone gives and receives romantic attention, you (general ‘you’) have a pretty serious problem that I don’t think even the best communication is going to get over. I suspect Dumb Domme’s solution to give a list of gestures and timings (go read it for the full brief!) would work fine in terms of mechanics (that is, he would happily do it), but I also suspect it would never really *feel* like the kind of sweetness/love/affection/romance that you want.

For me, if I don’t feel the strength of his romantic interest in a way that works for me at the beginning when he’s bringing his A game, I’m out. I *know* it’s not magically going to get better.

In the past I have tried to coach boys I really liked in how better to ‘woo’ me (mostly it takes the form of “I *know* you feel it, so SHOW me, TELL me, EXPRESS it): I’ve learnt that it’s a losing proposition. They will try really hard, but they will fail because how someone expresses desire or affection is a pretty fundamental part of how they relate.

I keep thinking of those excruciating conversations where the woman says “You never bring me flowers” and he says, “But look, I just spent the day digging you a vegetable garden!” (this example taken from an actual conversation a friend of mine had with her partner even though it sounds like something out of a bad romcom). Both parties are completely baffled that the other doesn’t see their point.

I think of ‘how someone demonstrates love/desire/affection’ as a pretty fundamental part of ‘who they are’, and while I think you can make it work if you have a mismatch, there is a risk that you will end up feeling unappreciated and unloved if your partner isn’t expressing their affection in a way that resonates with you.

In short, if he’s worth it overall, I think you can make small incremental improvements with work, and if he starts at, say 55% of the way there, maybe you can get him to 60% and that’s okay. On the other hand, if he’s awesome but his starting point is 25% of the way there, I think you are screwed and you either live with it, or move on.

So I’m curious: If you are a submissive man, do/did you ‘romance’ your dominant? And if so, how did you figure out the best way to do that? What does that look like?

For the dominant women, do you want to be wooed, pursued, romanced? And what do you want that to look like? Did you ever struggle to get it?

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72 Comments

  1. LOL… I wrote about this in my blog May 26! http://sexualdestinies.blogspot.com/2014/05/seduce-me.html

    Here’s an excerpt… :

    “What do I want? Be honest, accept me that I’m being honest with you and seduce me! I don’t care how submissive you are, you still need to chase me, be assertive in wanting me and fucking seduce me!

    Let your sexuality show. Be open to me exploring your mind and soul. Push back the fear of not being enough, if that is what it is, and let me revel in your vulnerability. Let me appreciate the beauty that emanates from you and seduce me with the desire you can’t hold back. Be confident, be bold, be fearless!”

    Damn it! Seduce me…the reward will keep on giving!!!!

    ~ Vista

    1. Yes, I remember reading that – good post!

      Your thoughts seemed to be about ‘men in general’ vs submissive men in particular.

      So has it been your experience that those men in general aren’t coming to the party with the woo pitching?

      Ferns

      1. The post was mostly directed to submissive men since those are the ones I’m drawn to. Whether found on a vanilla dating site or alternative. That wiring must be somewhere lurking. I have found that most men I meet don’t have the ‘woo’ pitch. Or it’s there at first but dies quickly.

        It may be the culture that has been created online. It’s too easy to move to the next person that catches your fancy than invest in the one who for the moment has your attention. To ‘woo’ me takes an investment.

        I’m sure there are men out there that understand this, just haven’t met them. Had it with NB. It spoiled me…want that again. ;)

        ~ Vista

        1. Your beautiful. I don’t believe you. You can have any man you wanted.
          I surprised to hear that men dont try every trick to get to you. After that I’m sure you would have been drowned in compliments and flowers.
          If not then let me show you my respect and attentiveness. I’m dying too love and be loved back. Infinite kisses x

  2. This is a chronic issue for me. You ladies already said a lot of what I think and feel – and it seems to be a fairly universal thing, this wanting to be wooed.

    I think a big part of it, besides the obvious of wanting to be wanted, is wanting to be wanted for ME…not because I’m a Domme, not because he wants kink X or Y or Z, but because he finds ME – all of me – amazing and attractive in every sense of the word and he really wants me to like him too.

    When that passion for ME is missing or lacking, I start second-guessing myself and wonder if he’s only with me for the kinks or the fact that I’m dominant.

    Dominance is simply my way of operating in a romantic relationship. It doesn’t define me. So I don’t want his attraction for me to be defined solely in terms of D/s and kinks.

    I want to know I make his heart skip a beat when he sees a text from me. I want to know he can’t wait to see me. I want to know he thinks about me all the time. I want to know I’m wanted. For ME.

    1. “I think a big part of it, besides the obvious of wanting to be wanted, is wanting to be wanted for ME…not because I’m a Domme”

      So interesting, the distinction you make between feeling as if you are being treated as a woman vs as ‘a dominant’. It makes perfect sense.

      I like to think I can spot that issue pretty early on, but it leads me to think that maybe submissive men sabotage themselves with the same distinction. I mean by that not really that they are after kinks, I mean with the thought process that “I’m submissive and so *I don’t know what the ‘right’ way to behave is now*”.

      “When that passion for ME is missing or lacking, I start second-guessing myself and wonder if he’s only with me for the kinks or the fact that I’m dominant.”

      *nod nod* Even though I differ from you in the distinction issue, the fundamental thing is the same: If I don’t *feel* his interest in a way that works for me, I also second guess what’s going on.

      And if he *says* it’s there (maybe because I’ve brought it up), I have no reason to doubt him, but it’s not the same thing as him behaving in a way that has me *feeling* it.

      Knowing is one thing. Feeling is another.

      “I want to know I make his heart skip a beat when he sees a text from me. I want to know he can’t wait to see me. I want to know he thinks about me all the time. I want to know I’m wanted. For ME.”

      *smile* Yes, all of that.

      And while he may not actually feel all of that in the early stages, if he’s thinking about me, then demonstrating that is part of what wooing is.

      Ferns

  3. It was March 24,1978. a Friday afternoon. I was tending bar at a place that got a big after work crowd of young professionals for Happy Hour. It was a part-time job for me. I didn’t need the money. Teaching paid well enough. I didn’t have time that needed filled. There were always papers to correct. I was recently divorced. I wanted to meet women. bar tending met that need. (It wasn’t until a little later that Bonnie told me my real reason was the chance to wait on and serve beautiful women. Who would have thought it?)

    She and her friends walked in and sat at the bar. I had seen her in there before when I was just hanging out I noticed everything about her including what she drank. Before they were even settle, I had her drink ready and gave it to her before I even asked what the others would have. Major woo points there. She ordered a sandwich and I prepared it for her.

    She hated it and didn’t hesitate to let me know. I quickly offered to get her another one. the second was bad. Nothing I did satisfied her She had me running around that bar, jumping through hopes to please her. I was hooked.

    I spent the rest of Happy Hour watching her, listening to her, making every effort to see she was satisfied. while doing this I learned her favorite singer was Barbara Streisand.

    Two weeks later a similar scenario. until almost to the end of Happy Hour. I sensed she was near leaving. I walked from behind the bar to the juke box. I made sure the route I took caught her attention and placed a quarter in the machine. Just as I returned to behind the bar, the record started. She suddenly stopped her conversation with her friend as Streisand’s “People” began to play. She looked at me. She was pleased, and I was happy.

    Over the years, I have tried my best to maintain that “woo factor” in our marriage. Some of those “wooing rituals” were very traditional, some unique,and even some that failed miserably.(picture me coming out of he kitchen naked, carrying that night’s dinner. I know frightening.)what she needs is important to me.

    In 2007 she asked me to “woo” her, to please her again. The chemo was taking her hair. She said that if someone was going to shave her head, she wanted it to be me. I made that favorite drink. she sipped as I cut the hair and shaved her head. She smiled.

    The cancer has returned. The chemo has started, and very soon she will be asking me again. For me. the wooing never stops. it is an ongoing thing st

    1. Oh Stan, that’s such a lovely and heartbreaking love story. Thank you so much for sharing it.

      I’m really rather speechless, but sending positive thoughts for your love’s health.

      “For me. the wooing never stops. it is an ongoing thing”

      *smile* Yes.

      Ferns

      1. Good evening Ma’am. Bonnie wanted me to thank you for the “positive thoughts”. This one’s going to be a tough battle. She appreciates all the help she can get.
        Respectfully
        Stan

      1. Hello Ma’am.
        Bonnie and I are regular readers of your blog. She especially enjoys “Saturday Eye Candy”. Sometimes during chemo we have one of the private rooms. Bonnie always brings her computer. Candy certainly makes the medicine taste better. Many thanks for the kind words.
        Respectfully
        Stan

  4. Tired but quick response. NOTE: currently single this is from multiple previous relationships.

    > If you are a submissive man, do/did you ‘romance’ your dominant? And if so, how did you figure out the best way to do that? What does that look like?

    Depends on partner. I tend to love cooking for them (I’ve always dated vegetarians. It’s awesome cooking food they haven’t had in years. Like meat (less) empanadas.) Or simply doing occasional sweet things. Remaining emotionally open is hard. Also I end up driving everywhere which feels like an act of service. Do dishes.

    Different thing is once I ‘learn’ them, I’ll do small things, play with my energy …. to awaken whatever it is within her that makes her all growly and hair pullingly awesome. That thing that gets me ambushed in the kitchen and slammed against the wall.

    Where things get complex is that I’ve got a few shorts in my wiring. As people have said …. ensuring your partner knows that you like them for them is crucial.
    For me though … After that sweetness and wooing… I need some form of pain or degradation or something like that. It’s … how I feel loved and thanked. Not necessarily heavy play .. but there needs to be ouch ie cuddling. It’s a ..unique ying yang. I like wooing and pleasing but need to hurt to know I did well. Then hurting … makes me cuddly and want to do nice things.
    I have a friend who sees it as him choosing her … of all other options … He repeatedly chooses her. And I understand that. It makes sense and helps not have the feeling. I don’t know.

    1. Cooking, sweet things, driving, dishes: lovely.

      But this hits it for me:

      “Depends on partner.”
      “once I ‘learn’ them…”

      So important!

      “I like wooing and pleasing but need to hurt to know I did well. Then hurting … makes me cuddly and want to do nice things.”

      I think wooing works both ways. I’ve not covered that specifically here, but he should also feel valued, acknowledged, desired, courted, *seen*… all that in a way that works for him.

      Ferns

      1. Yep. Finally got wifi.

        The components are as crucial as the final product.

        The give and take is awesome too … but a way to feel thanked and happily secure is big too

  5. I love being wooed! I wrote a post on it. Seems to be a trend…

    http://anonymouskinky.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/musings-on-romancing-me/

    Then again, I will pursue someone I want and woo him as well. Sometimes it scares him off. Even a man who wants to be wooed can be taken aback the first few times it happens. Now, I’m not going to bring him flowers. I might (probably will) take him out on a date. But my wooing looks like “regular” wooing until there is a level of interest established. Then my wooing looks like pain and bossiness.

    1. “Then again, I will pursue someone I want and woo him as well.”

      *smile* Me too, but when I do it, I HAVE to feel it coming back.

      “Sometimes it scares him off. Even a man who wants to be wooed can be taken aback the first few times it happens.”

      Agreed. I know some men who are actually turned off by it, which I find interesting.

      “But my wooing looks like “regular” wooing until there is a level of interest established.”

      I think you have kind of hit on a possible issue here. I think many women WANT ‘regular wooing’, but submissive men somehow think it’s the wrong thing to do.

      “Then my wooing looks like pain and bossiness.”

      *laugh* Awesome!

      Ferns

      1. I meant that *I* give *them* the “regular wooing” like taking them to dinner or out to a movie! No flowers though. I suppose I might if I weren’t allergic to so many of them! He can woo me back by letting me woo him. I do like regular flirting though. And hand holding. And I’m a sucker for someone who will woo me by cooking for me!

    2. I read as far as ‘Now, I’m not going to bring him flowers’ why not I love flowers, receiving flowers makes me go weak at the knees and my insides go gooy

      1. You should have read just a little further where anonymouskinky said “I suppose I might if I weren’t allergic to so many of them!”.

        So if you were going on a date, you would be weak at the knees and gooey inside and she would be swollen-nosed and rheumy- eyed… :P

        Ferns

  6. My god there has to be a better way of doing this! When I read posts like this I feel ashamed for subs of my gender.

    We came to our relationship as kinky vanillas so our courtship was what you’d expect. Now we are FLR (lite) I continue to woo Xena with vanilla compliments and general thoughtfulness.

    I can see how it would be difficult for a sub to woo a dominant when the kink is already on the table. How does one woo in a submissive way without making assumptions?

    1. Now we are FLR (lite) I continue to woo Xena with vanilla compliments and general thoughtfulness.

      *smile* That’s so lovely! How do you do that, though? Tell!

      “I can see how it would be difficult for a sub to woo a dominant when the kink is already on the table.

      But why? This is baffling to me, but maybe it’s a part of the problem.

      “How does one woo in a submissive way without making assumptions?”

      I want to rail against the idea of ‘wooing in a submissive way’, but I’m going to go with it because I suspect you aren’t the lone ranger in having this question.

      * Pay attention to things she says she likes and do/get/give those things (e.g. she says ‘I’d really like to read X’ => go get her that book)
      * Anticipate things she might like and do them (e.g. ‘Imma do those dirty dishes’)
      * Take note of her habits and take care of them for her (e.g. ‘I noticed your candles are all used up, I got you some replacements’)
      * When you think of her/miss her/want her, tell/text/write her to tell her so with enthusiasm
      * If you FEEL something (your heart’s a flutter, you are nervous, excited, infatuated, twitterpated, all discombobulated), tell her so
      * Express your delight in spending time with her, for her emails, for her texts, for her attention
      * Leave her sweet post-it notes somewhere that she will find them
      * If she likes flowers/chocolates/some other thing, go get some for her
      * When she looks fabulous, say so effusively and often
      * Be genuinely and insatiably curious about her: about her day, her life, her thoughts
      * Gaze at her like she’s the most amazing person you’ve ever known
      * Write things for her/choose songs you think she will like/find poetry that reminds you of her…

      … and etc!

      But really, look at all of the above: You woo her in *exactly the same way you woo any other woman*.

      Ferns

      1. Not quite, I think – thought this may depend on the precise local courtship culture.

        Unless done with perfect timing and aplomb, some of the things you describe could be creepy or intrusive in a *vanilla* context, so might just feel instinctively wrong to a courting sub. In a D&S context, they might also feel like presuming that a Femdom relationship already exists. Were I a courting sub, this would weigh heavily on my mind, and men in general aren’t good at nuances…

        Overall, I suspect the problem is that supply and demand buggers the dynamics.

        It sets up a situation where the sub must woo the domme in nuanced ways, whereas the Femdom dynamic favors a reversal of traditional courtship, and one of the attractions of being a sub is absence of nuance and being told what to do!

        Meanwhile dommes must winnow through the frenzied drooling wannabe subs to pick out ones that are (a) genuinely compatible in non-erotic ways, and (b) actually submissive. This means playing out the old and rather passive role of belle of the ball.

        Speaking entirely as an outsider to this situation, I think the answer is that a domme goes the whole hog and treats courtship as two track audition: on the one hand making dates that test non-erotic compatibility (e.g. cinema with drinks afterwards to talk about the film) and on the other, depending on how the dates go, introducing D&S in testing ways. This does, however, mean giving up on anything like conventional courtship.

        The long term solution would be to create more dommes (part-time or otherwise), thus fixing the supply and demand problem and making everybody less crazy. I guess we’re both trying to help with that one.

        1. I think I would agree that in a d/s relationship traditional courtship can be difficult to pull off …. but I am not sure how to “create more dommes.” lol. I think the factory shut down due to high production cost. ;)

        2. @Giles English: Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, even though I disagree with you SO HARD!! *laugh*

          I don’t even know where to start so I’m just going to tackle the finale and might come back to some of the rest.

          “I think the answer is that a domme goes the whole hog and treats courtship as two track audition: on the one hand making dates that test non-erotic compatibility (e.g. cinema with drinks afterwards to talk about the film) and on the other, depending on how the dates go, introducing D&S in testing ways.”

          That sounds just like dating. So I’m on board with that.

          “This does, however, mean giving up on anything like conventional courtship.”

          Why does it mean that? How does dating preclude any of the things I suggested above?

          And how does it preclude him buying tickets to something she would enjoy or inviting her out for dinner for her favourite cuisine, or any other thing?

          If a submissive man is too scared of wrong-stepping to do any of those things (as you suggested up-front), and I think that might well be a problem, then we should be encouraging him to use his words and ASK her for advice or input. To me saying ‘Oh well, ladies, I guess you don’t get any of that then because it’s all too hard…’ isn’t good enough.

          Ferns

        3. “And how does it preclude him buying tickets to something she would enjoy or inviting her out for dinner for her favourite cuisine, or any other thing?”… etc

          It shouldn’t. However the general thrust of the dynamic works in the opposite direction.

          Perhaps the biggest issue is simply that there is no established etiquette for wooing an explicitly dominant woman.

        4. @Giles:
          “It shouldn’t. However the general thrust of the dynamic works in the opposite direction.”

          I find it frustrating, but I do think you’re probably right that some submissive men think dominant women are an alien species. It’s so weird.

          “Perhaps the biggest issue is simply that there is no established etiquette for wooing an explicitly dominant woman.”

          Or perhaps an issue is that submissive men are assuming that dominant women aren’t ‘real women’ somehow, so therefore they think that they NEED a different set of rules for interaction.

          I see the ‘dominant women are women first’ advice being given all the time for different reasons, but it seems to not really sink in for many.

          I’m not sure how we communicate that more effectively.

          Ferns

      2. “But really, look at all of the above: You woo her in *exactly the same way you woo any other woman.”

        Yes Yes YES! We have a winner! All I would add is; And keep doing them.

        People always ask how we’ve stayed happily married for 35 years. I tell them the secret is to remember what you did to get there. The wooing, the compromises, making them know & feel they are the most important person in your life. To the guys I say be a Gentleman and remind them that most of them became a bit of a better person while courting, remain that person!
        Now I can add see Fern’s list :)

        I think in general when men hear ” be more romantic” they panic. It’s just they way we’re wired mostly due to cultural upbringing I suspect. We think it means we need to be poets or talk a certain way. For example I’m sure many men shuddered when reading.

        ” When she looks fabulous, say so effusively and often”

        ME; Have I told you that I love the way your ass looks in those pant?

        Not very submissive now is it, kind of crass maybe? Maybe to some other woman but not to her. She has become extremely self conscious of her looks as middle age passes us both by and the secret is I know that and that remark was more then welcomed.

        I am proud to say that I have done everything on the list not exactly as written but in my own way. For example, I send flowers on the anniversary of the day I met her. Listening is important and such an easy way to gain clues. Her back hurts, or her neck. Don’t ask if she wants a massage just give her one. She tells you of a new song or band she heard get her the CD. My favorite one these days is a card, a real card. It’s so much more personal.There are certain things that she collects, so wherever I am, when I see something I buy it for her, could be a simple little trinket, doesn’t matter and no wrapping, no waiting for an occasion, Just here I saw this and knew you would like it. Most importantly, after all these years it still amazes me that she said yes. I not only tell her that constantly but treat her that way. It comes natural.

        What’s funny is that I can’t tell you how many times friends ( both hers and mine ) have remarked “Ohh someones trying to get laid ” when I have wooed her in front of them. At first I must admit I would get a bit embarrassed but now being comfortable with putting that aspect out there, I kind of feel sorry for them.

  7. I do not think this is restricted to submissive men. Before I realized my submissive nature for what it was, I was not much of a wooer. As a strongly introverted, absent minded professor type, I am guilty of missing things, feeling awkward, shy, being a person of few words who feels like it will be taken as insincere if I give complements and gestures. It is even discussed like that in my Meyers-Briggs profile.

    I am not making excuses, just trying to give my perspective. I know this about me, so have learned over the years to ignore my feelings and do some of that, but it is not a natural part of me to do that, so takes time to learn and integrate into my lifstyle.

    But, then, there are many things like that, I think, that, if someone feels compatibility is highly important, well, as you say, it could be a deal breaker.

    Wooing, kink, risk tolerance, willingness for open relationships, politics, etc. many characteristics that someone can feel are a deal breaker, or not, just something they have to decide about.

    It is not easy finding someone who is compatible…

    But it helps me, as a sub-par wooer, to know how the woo lovers feel. Because I can work on that, and make it part of me. Perhaps even more than a 5% increase, smile.

    Now, I want to ponder this some more. Thanks to your and Dumb Domme for bringing this to our attention.

    Cheers!

    1. You make a really good point and I am, of course, talking in generalities versus trying to address people’s personal discomfort with certain behaviours for whatever reasons.

      I think there are many reasons why submissive men might not woo a dominant woman, and I also think there is a *big huge gigantic* difference between

      ‘I’m not a wooer because that’s just not how I relate to women.’ and

      ‘Are you supposed to woo a dominant woman? What? Why would you do that? HOW do you do that?’

      The *former* is about compatibility. The *latter* is the baffling one where some discussion might help.

      And YES, it all boils down to compatibility and how important things are to each person.

      “But it helps me, as a sub-par wooer, to know how the woo lovers feel. Because I can work on that, and make it part of me. Perhaps even more than a 5% increase, smile.”

      *smile* Well I’m glad you got something out of it, and I think if someone really *wants* to git to some wooing, it’s totally doable, but it IS effort if it doesn’t just happen. Maybe put a regular alarm on your phone ‘do something sweet for my lady’ :).

      Ferns

      1. Thanks!

        Well, for me, as a submissive, I see no incompatibility with wooing. It seems like a great thing to do!

        That is why I made my point, for me, if I am less than a stellar wooer, it is a compatibility thing, a characteristic of my personality.

        I do not have any good insight on the other.

        Cheers!

  8. I think it gets a bit difficult for subs to reconcile the strong aggressive dominant image with the more human wanting appreciation image. The two can seem contradictory sometimes. I think subconsciously they feel that if she needs attention and appreciation etc then perhaps she isn’t the assertive independent dominant.

    1. *smile* My first instinct is to argue with you about those assumptions, x, but you are absolutely right that this could well be one of the reasons why a submissive man may not pitch woo.

      For me, it’s actually a good weeding tool. IF a submissive man thinks that way, then he just isn’t a good match for me.

      I think that those of us who WANT to be wooed are interested in a romantic relationship, and that just doesn’t work if a submissive is stuck on the idea that dominants somehow don’t have human emotions and all the complexities that entails.

      I think there ARE plenty of D/s relationships that don’t engage at that romantic level and in which the concept of wooing would be unwelcome or odd, so I’d say if the submissive thinks that way, he needs one of THOSE relationships.

      TL;DR: I think you are right, but I think submissives who think that way are probably not looking for (or suited to) a romantic D/s relationship which is really the context in which wooing makes sense.

      Ferns

      1. hmmm that makes a lot of sense. perhaps they are just not the ‘romantic types’. i have a question though which may seem unrelated. Just out of curiosity how important is the idea of admiration in a d/s relationship. do you feel that your sub should look upto you (because you’re really smart, or sweet, or nice, which btw you are lol) or is not particularly important for you ?

        1. I agree that some are just not ‘the romantic type’, which is distinct from those who have this issue only with dominant women because they think it’s somehow inappropriate or unnecessary.

          Compatibility is huge here. There’s nothing wrong with not being ‘the romantic type’, it just means finding someone who doesn’t want or value that.

          “Just out of curiosity how important is the idea of admiration in a d/s relationship. do you feel that your sub should look upto you (because you’re really smart, or sweet, or nice, which btw you are lol) or is not particularly important for you ?”

          *smile* Thank you for the compliment though your question does indeed seem unrelated.

          Admiration: Respect and warm approval.

          Yes, it’s important to me.

          Ferns

  9. I think part of the problem may be the conception of wooing in society. Generally we see wooing as something exclusive to men, as a way to get the woman they want. I think for many men this links wooing with being in the dominant role, as that’s how society generally views it.

    This can be problematic for us submissive men because part of the attraction of the d/s relationship is the feeling that tree roles have been flipped to an extent. Thus, wooing can make it feel like you’re stepping back into a male-led relationship and can kill the feeling of the relationship for the sub.

    I don’t don’t think this is true for all subs and needn’t be true at all. I think wooing can be thought of and done in a, way that doesn’t carry male dominant connotations. The suggestions you gave were perfect Ms. Ferns and I think if subs thought of it in that way most would be more than happy to oblige.

    I think women might generally have a different perception of wooing and its connotations though, so please tell me if you disagree

    1. I can certainly see your point, especially if someone thinks of wooing in terms of ‘hunter/prey’.

      I think there is a huge difference between ‘aggressively chasing’ and ‘wooing’. The former is about ‘barrelling her over’, the latter is about ‘finding ways to make her feel cared for’.

      I do think I am learning from the comments here that many men DO need some guidance. I’d *prefer* not to do that, but I can understand better the confusion around it.

      As a note, today my vanilla ex brought me home made biscuits that he knows I love and an electric pedicure file that he got for me because I mentioned that my feet were a mess. THAT’S what I’m talking about (and he’s not even wooing me, he’s just that kind of man).

      Ferns

  10. Romance the girl (who became my wife)? LOL! We were friends, and only got together because we had an argument. And things were said!

    I try now; I do little things like flowers and surprises (like dropping her off at a spa one Saturday that she knew nothing about) to grander gestures for birthdays and Valentines Day.

    I might not get it right all the time, but it is the thought that counts! ;-)

  11. I love seeing all this discussion!

    Ferns – I love your list. Perhaps it deserves a blog entry all by itself. “How to woo a Domme.”

    Perhaps I’ll post something of an update on my own blog about how nodder has become dramatically more romantic lately. He’s still not quite THERE but he’s done things around the house without being asked, brought me little things he knows I’d enjoy, been heavy on the compliments and slow danced with me in my kitchen AND bedroom. I’m not sure if these behaviors are reflective of the new level of our relationship or if he’s been blog stalking me, you and Dumb Domme. Whatever it is, it’s been awesome! I’m very happy. :)

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