To me, romance is doing something sweet to show someone that you are thinking of them, something to make them happy, to make them feel special. It’s the little gestures that demonstrate that feeling.
Following on from a really lively Twitter conversation a while back, Mistress Lilyana has written a really interesting post on ‘Romantic shit‘. Go and read it.
In summary, she said that her submissives have, for the most part, not romanced her. She theorises:
“Perhaps there is something about me that repels romantic gestures. Maybe I’m too independent. It’s true. I’ll buy my own damn flowers. Maybe guys can sense that about me.
But I wonder if maybe it’s my dominance…”
I have so many feels about this post!!
Firstly it makes me angry: No, it’s not you ‘being the Domme’! It’s THEM. Idiots!
If it’s not part of my submissive’s remit to figure out what I want and like, what makes me feel loved, happy, desired, and then do the living fuck out of those things, then what the fuck is he doing?! He better not be giving me lame excuses about why he isn’t doing it!! Fuck off!!
I want to be my submissive’s first priority, his lover, his sweetheart, his heart’s desire, and by god, he better make me feel it without question by his actions.
The “I’m thinking of you” gestures, the “I know you will like this” sweetnesses, the “I hope this makes you happy” thoughtfulness: I want it all. Maybe it’s a love note full of wonder, him dancing me around the kitchen, that book I wanted hidden under my pillow, my favourite meal cooked and served, candles and a massage, a mix of music he thinks I will like… things he knows I will love and adore. Things that say, “For you, sweetheart, just because…”
If anything, submissive men should be *better* at all of that than their vanilla counterparts because their desire to please is supposed to be core to how they relate. So WTF with the dumb excuses?!
Having had the little rant, I DO think that I have a part to play in encouraging that behaviour if he’s not too sure about it because some submissive men can get bamboozled and confused and lost because of D/s ‘roles’. They get so caught up in ‘not doing the wrong thing’ or ‘being submissive’ (whatever that means) that they lose sight of what’s okay behaviour and what’s not. I’m thinking ‘deer in the headlights’ frozen.
If I am generous (and I am, mostly, I try, despite my ranty rant rantiness), I can see that if I present as being all domlydomdomdomlydominant-grrrr-raawwrrr-control-lead-manage-no-don’t-do-that all the time, he *could* imagine that those kinds of romantic things might be inappropriate or unwelcome. So perhaps if he is shy, unsure, not quite confident, his instinct to do those things could be easily stifled if I don’t seem *open* to it.
Personally, I haven’t struck this problem of submissive men not being romantic, which is why I’m adamant that it’s not a D/s problem, but an individual thing. If a man who is seriously interested in me isn’t wooing the crap out of me with romantic shit (how’s that for poetic presentation? Heh…), making me feel courted and special and adored with all of those thoughtful little gestures of romance, then it’s going nowhere because I lose interest.
That means that I end up with men who I know are not just willing and able, but delighted to give me that once we are in a relationship.