Random shit I’ve said, no context (if you want more of this in real time: This is pretty much ‘me on Twitter’ :)).
I was gonna tweet “How are people fucking dating rn?!”
But really I mean “How are people fucking dating anywhere ever in the history of time?!”
Dating fucking sucks
Just bring me a fully formed relationship with someone who’s happy I slap his face before I sit on it
Look, if you’ve got ’69’ in your nick, you might be just lovely, but the chance of me replying to your email just dropped to about 0 bec I CAN NOT get my head around the mindset this comes from
Are you 13? Think it’s cute? ‘Hurr hurr’ing behind the bike sheds?
Come on, man!
Words are hard
I typed 10 responses to this which can all be summarised down to ‘I hate people and I don’t make friends’
Considering getting a good 6 inches cut off
I have a LOT of pantries to fuck up :P
How will I know what weird double breasted, shoulder-baring, tiger-print, uneven-hemmed asbestos-lined coat to buy this season?!
Oh honey. No.
“This haircut is fucking terrible, but I’m still cute as hell” just about covers it
I will be ignoring y’all while I glory in this beautiful man being all British and bow-legged and salt-and-pepper ‘innit’
I sent a support email to two companies and they both RANG ME BACK.
Look people, if I wanted to talk to you fuckers on the phone I’d have fucking called you
I don’t even want to talk to people I love on the phone
Just to say, once you’ve seen M/f’ers in a sentence like this, you can’t unsee it :D
– Ukulele sales up 700%
– Track suit sales up 2000%
Yep, this is who we are now
Silly: You should buy ME dinner for the privilege :P
I’ve never heard of Cake
“I think I speak for all of us when I say… we’re lazy and incompetent”
“Let’s rub dicks”
“But the cameras!”
“Just snarl in my face, baby”
Well, now I just have to sit here doing nothing. Because if I do something else, anything else, I’ll feel guilty about not doing the thing I should be doing.
So yeah. This is me now.
Doing nothing for the foreseeable future.
“CNC jig” is my new kink
Don’t you worry, it’s utter garbage
YOU’RE GOING TO DO GREAT, SWEET BOY
Go get ’em!
TIL there is a piercing called a ‘Princess Albertina’
It runs from the urethra to the vaginal opening
WHY WON’T EVERYONE JUST DO WHAT I SAY?!!