I wrote this on the plane, feeling an exhausted self pity and loneliness.
Please don’t read too much into it. It is the ultimate in self indulgent crap, really, and like all of these things, it is a moment’s snippet and while it lingers a little, it is already over and I am not wailing or tearing my hair out. It will dissipate soon enough when I have had some sleep and recalibrated a little. I just figure that if I am sharing things here, well, there are these moments also.
I am sad and lonely and feeling sorry for myself… I have just taken drugs, so expect I will be asleep soon, but in the meantime, I am so fucking sad.
It is about e, but it is also about opportunities lost, about wishing for more, about yearning, it is about fear, it is about being so fucking tired I can’t think straight.
I don’t often feel like this, but I am indulging it. I’m allowed.
I feel the kind of passion I want so fucking rarely that it’s almost like a myth, I am made sad by imagining its rarity: at its worst, it makes me feel a little desperate and a little hopeless.
I (finally) felt ready to open up to someone new, and it hurts my feelings that it didn’t work out.
I am just… disappointed and tired and I want to sleep for a week.
e and I had such a sweet goodbye that I am sad about that also now. Gentle touches, tight hugs, tenderness, and mutual ‘sorries’ that it didn’t work out as we had hoped. It was worth a try, really it was, but it makes me fucking exhausted to think about trying to find the energy and interest to have a go at it again. Right now it seems like so much work to even be open to it, I can’t imagine having the motivation to think about it, much less to do it.
I wonder sometimes if I will just be alone for the rest of my life, or if I will settle for a sweet boy who loves me madly and for whom I will feel a lukewarm kind of sweet affection. The thought is so depressing that I could cry.
And now a baby is crying up the front there and I know exactly how she feels. Hungry, tired, alone, upset, frustrated. Don’t let them shut you up, baby… you cry all you want. When you are a grown up, you aren’t really allowed to do that anymore, it is self indulgent and immature and rather pointless…
Soon, I will fall asleep. When I wake I will be close to home and I can shake this off, and start to get back to normal. Whatever that means.
Self indulgence is not normally my thing. But fuck it.
Just… fuck it.