My first vanilla date
His introductory email was thoughtful and articulate. He’d not only read my profile, but he had also looked through my many Q&A responses and his note referenced both.
He was 6’2, a little younger than me, no photos.
I suggested we meet after a few exchanges. This must be a new record for me. My new strategy: ‘Dating immersion’. I didn’t ask for a photo. To be honest, I forgot.
He was nervous he said (I do love it when they say that out loud, I do), and half an hour before our date he texted that he was going to be about 15 minutes late: “Pls wait for me?”
I was liking him more and more.
I knew he was tall, had a beard, blue eyes, that his hair needed a trim. He described his body type as ‘average’.
I was worried that I didn’t know how to do vanilla dating any more. “Go and get me some water please” is not the flirty request to vanilla men that it is to submissive men. I vaguely worried about how we would connect.
I was there first, sent him a photo to show him what I was wearing so he could find me more easily. When he approached me, the first thing I saw was his beard. I’m not one for beards, and he had said in an email that he didn’t like his beard and was intending to remove it. I had expected that someone who didn’t like his beard would have maybe a month’s growth. But no, it was a *serious* beard. 8 months worth, he told me later. He suggested it was like the beard of a pirate, or bush ranger (as a note, I thought this photo was a hoax: nope. Checkit: Ned Kelly, the original hipster). The latter. definitely the latter. He had pretty eyes though, bright blue.
We spent 3 hours together and despite the discovery that we had both worked for the same small software company way back when, and had work acquaintances in common, I struggled to make a connection with him. His eyes skittered away when I was talking, he didn’t laugh or smile at things I thought were funny, and if I was quiet to see if he would pick up the conversation, he didn’t. I don’t think it’s because he wasn’t engaged and trying, he was just shy and awkward.
In short: it was hard work.
It was clear that he liked me, that he was trying. But it was also clear that we were struggling.
In the last half hour, I brought up D/s. He’d seen my references to dominance in my online profile only that morning, he said. I’ve not had much experience explaining it to vanilla men, but I used ‘selfishness’ to explain it. I could have gone many ways, but I didn’t want to ‘sell’ the idea to him. If anything, I wanted to scare him off. It’s too easy to present it in a hot-sexy-romantic light, but the harsh reality is that I want to be selfish and for my partner to appreciate that I expect to get my way and to enjoy taking opportunities to make me happy. ‘Selfishness’ and ‘unfairness’ are the easiest ways to explain that.
He started to say ‘Oh, that’s why my previous partners…’ which broke my heart a little. I was insistent that it wasn’t the same thing. That being selfish in a vanilla relationship where nothing is agreed is just being an arsehole.
He was curious, surprised that there was more than ‘bedroom stuff’. Not turned off, but also not really getting it (of course not!). But after we talked about it, he seemed contemplative in a ‘maybe I could’ kind of way. But to be honest, my experience is that men who like me will say things like that. Soon after, he went to a lot of trouble to get a chair for me to put my bag on because it was getting wet where it was. “To show you I can do it,” he said. He’s sweet.
Before we parted ways, I grabbed him by the beard and pulled him towards me across the table. He resisted.
I said, “Come here.”
I kissed him. Drew him forward twice more with his beard in my clenched fist. Soft, exploratory kisses, lightly dancing tongues. He smiled at me. He has a lovely smile.
“I’m going to go,” I said.
He stood up to follow me out.
The first time I got to see his height. I was wearing wedge heels. He was still a bit taller than me. I do love that.
Outside we looked at each other. I grabbed his beard again, twisted it, pulled his face to me. More kissing. Holding him back by his beard when he reached for me. His slight confusion when I did this was lovely. He reached to pull my body against him. I like it when men do that. It’s instinct, that desire for more contact. Makes me feel snake-like and fluid.
He sent me a sweet text about an hour after he left (seriously, polite boys: so good!). In part it said:
“I have this great picture you sent (I think you’re gorgeous) and pleasant memory of the too short/few kisses… Let me know if you want to meet again, post beard, or wish to give me casual instruction in your lifestyle ;)”
So, all up, I liked him well enough, I think he *would* be cute underneath his beard, he was a lovely kisser, and he’s willing to consider D/s. BUT (there’s always a ‘but’) he’s only one month out of his last relationship, I don’t *really* think D/s is going to be for him, and we didn’t have that easy conversational banter that makes for connection.
I’m tempted to suggest a kissing date because his kissing had promise, and you know I’m a complete sucker for kissing. I’ll have a think about that.