Do what you say you will do

I’ve said this before in different ways, but I’m going to say it again.

What I expect from potential submissives, or even submissive men I am just flirting with, is that they do what they say they will do. Every time. Reliably. Without fail.

Hell, I apply that rule to everyone, but with *other* people, I don’t really care either way. Do it, don’t do it, whatever. No skin off my nose.

With a submissive man who I might be feeling out for more than flirtatious banter, though, it’s everything.

It’s how I develop trust in them. It’s how I feel sweet with them. It’s what makes me feel potential. Without it, I lose interest.

If someone says they will do something, or worse, they *offer* to do something of their own volition, and then they forget or don’t bother or otherwise don’t deliver, they are showing me what value they place on the words they say to me. And they are showing me what their submission is going to look like. I believe that to be true, even if (especially if) it’s a small thing and even if they didn’t sincerely double-pinkie-promise cross-their-hearts-and-hope-to-die swear to do that thing.

If someone says they will do something, I expect them to do it.

It’s so SIMPLE. Truly.

And yet… and yet… my goodness.

So many submissive men I’ve interacted with struggle with this. I find it truly baffling.

“I’ll get you that link tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
*tomorrow comes…*


“Hey, what happened to that link you were going to send me?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot. I’ll send it tomorrow.”

I know to a million and one people that’s really no big deal. But if I am feeling him out for some potential, it’s a big deal for me, even though I don’t at all care about the thing. I only care that he said he would do something, and didn’t.

If I like him, I will explain that it’s important and why, because somehow people have become blasé about doing what they say they will. Because it’s no big deal, and ‘wow, way to make a mountain out of a molehill, Ferns!’

It’s like they are so used to throwing random words out into the void that they no longer MEAN anything.

“Wait, you thought I was actually going to DO that thing I said I would do?! Oh.” As if it’s some bizarre expectation.

I discussed similar with the sex-voiced Texan in a slightly different context quite early on. He likes older women, but he said they tend not to take him seriously, think he is a game player, a notch taker. I asked him how he ‘proved’ himself to them. “I always do what I say I will,” he said, stating a fact, as if it was obvious.

So far he has batted 100%. I don’t ask much of him, but if I do, or if he offers something, he does it. I *know* that shouldn’t be a thing, but it really is. I’m learning to trust him in this, which smooths our interactions, makes them sweeter, makes me feel connection, gives me space to do some D/s flirting (which I love).

Last night he was going out with friends, but he offered to do something I asked of him when he got home. The choice of timing was his: I didn’t really care when he did it. As it got later in his timezone and it didn’t arrive, I had a sinking feeling: Disappointment. When it got past 1am, I didn’t bother checking my inbox any more.

I didn’t WANT to be disappointed by him. It’s an awful feeling. I was already mentally imagining the chat I was going to have with him about it. I wasn’t angry or upset. He owes me nothing. But I did want to be clear, in case it wasn’t already, that I will lose interest if I can’t trust him. And that’s what it is: trust.

At 1.23am… *ping*… there it was in my inbox.

I felt… relief, and, oddly, like I wanted to cheer for him. I know that sounds weird, but I was rooting for him: I WANT him to deliver, to succeed, to sit in that sweet spot with me where it feels like we are in this thing (whatever ‘this thing’ is) together.

I also felt guilty for not trusting him when he has consistently honoured every word he has said so far. That bit is entirely on me and it’s unfair. It illustrates to me how much I’m influenced by previous experiences, and how long it takes me to trust someone. My goodness, though, sometimes it’s nice when I’m wrong.

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63 Comments

  1. Well now I am cheering for him and you and whatever *this thing* might be! How incredibly wonderful that he did follow through on what he said he’d do. But really, don’t beat yourself up about not trusting his past record of 100% and your premature disappointment in him. He may have a 100% record, but my bet is that there are at least 98% of the men you’ve dealt with before who had a significantly lesser percentage on record. We learn from our past experiences. It’s normal and keeps us from continually making the same mistakes. Which is good!

    1. *smile* Thanks for the cheering.

      It’s only in certain moments that I realise what informs my expectations. Otherwise I think ‘nahh, I’m not doing that!’ Ha!

      Ferns

  2. I’m totally with you on the do what you say thing Ferns, not just just in a D/s thing but in daily life as a whole. It really peeves me when people don’t do something and act like it’s no big thing grrrr * insert annoyed fist wavieness here *
    Now on to far more important things..

    *leans in for a conspiratorial whisper *

    Soooooooo this Texan thing where is it going.. ? you know just between us *nose tap* that is
    Coug

    1. I agree. I can get peeved when it’s just ‘out in the world’ also, but my expectations there are SO MUCH LOWER and my emotions aren’t involved. That is, it’s not *personal*.

      “Soooooooo this Texan thing where is it going.. ? you know just between us *nose tap* that is”

      *whispers behind hand*

      More to come… I’ll tell you later when no-one’s around… *nose tapping*…

      Ferns

  3. Trust is HUGE…I was reading my old journal entries recently and one time I wrote about how it was early on and my boyfriend at that time was going to have lunch with an ex of his. I said “OK, I’ll trust you.” And his response was: “Of course you should trust me, have I done anything to not gain your trust??” And he hadn’t…it’s interesting how some of us tend to think someone is guilty in regards to trust when it should be one should be innocent until proven guilty.

    1. It *is* huge, and yes it is interesting.

      I had no doubt he’d deliver until it got really late and then instead of letting his past actions speak for themselves, I let my past experiences rule my perspective.

      I think it can be difficult to allow our experiences to inform and teach us without letting them bludgeon us into cynicism.

      I generally think I’m doing okay, but then something like that happens, and I realise I’m carrying at least some of it with me.

      Ferns

  4. I don’t think that me being submissive impacts my opinion on this but I find it annoying as hell when someone volunteers to do something and then doesn’t follow through with it. Personally and professionally I guess though that is why there is and should be an emphasis on communication and being able to ask for something, help, more time etc helps to get and agreeable solution for all involved.

    Wow that was a long ish comment, oh well….. :)

    Matt

    1. *smile* Long-ish is welcome here.

      Coug above said similar about how it’s annoying in general, and I certainly agree. But it’s the *personal* that hurts.

      And even with potential partners, it’s not JUST submissive men with whom I hate it, but it’s *especially* submissive men. My expectations of them are higher given they’ve self identified as men who *want* to do things that please their partner.

      And you’re absolutely 100% spot-on about communication. Shit happens. Talk to me about it. Don’t just ‘not do the thing’ and hope I don’t notice or say anything (not least because that’s very unlikely!).

      Ferns

      1. *nods* It erodes the trust that you build in that person if they don’t follow through with what they have promised to do. Especially with a D/s relationship. After all trust is required for relationships to work.

        1. Exactly.

          And I’d extend that: I don’t care if they *promised* or not. If they said it, I expect them to do it.

          I think there is a disconnect I strike where many think it doesn’t count if it was just something ‘casual’ that they said, so somehow it doesn’t matter.

          I’m not on board with that distinction between ‘I said I’d do it’ and ‘no really now, I *promised* for really reals that I’d do it’.

          Ferns

      2. Do what you say you will….if you can not for any reason ..tell me.
        Amazing how hard that is for people in general.
        I was rooting for the Texan too….really enjoying following
        this thing…
        I also know the disappointment / hurt…when simple requests
        Are not followed..the worst is when feeble excuses as forecoming
        Ggggrrr….

        1. It *is* amazing isn’t it?

          I think we’re all rooting* for the Texan *smile*.

          Ferns

          * As a note to my non Australian readers, ‘rooting’ here also means fucking, so it always makes me laugh when people say ‘rooting for’ something/one :P.

  5. This! If you can’t trust someone with the little things how in the world can you trust them with the big things. It’s like telling little lies.

    I try very hard to always do as I say I’m going to do. If for some reason I cannot, I try to make different arrangements as soon as possible and to let whomever know of the unexpected circumstances.

    I’m cheering for the sexy voiced Texan too… Ok ok, there is an ulterior motive there, I’m hoping to see at least another pic or 2 or 10…:D

    Faith

    1. “This! If you can’t trust someone with the little things how in the world can you trust them with the big things.”

      Yep. It’s a reason why I’m a pain in the arse about the small things.

      “I try very hard to always do as I say I’m going to do. If for some reason I cannot, I try to make different arrangements as soon as possible and to let whomever know of the unexpected circumstances.”

      Me too! Someone sent me a question about this in my ‘Asks’: whether as the dominant I hold myself to the same standard or if I get a pass. And hell no, I don’t get a pass.

      “I’m cheering for the sexy voiced Texan too… Ok ok, there is an ulterior motive there, I’m hoping to see at least another pic or 2 or 10…:D”

      *laugh* I don’t blame you one bit!

      Ferhs

  6. I completely agree with your perspective on trust and people following through on their word. I’m currently filling out a guy and the effort he puts into living up to his word is astounding! I’ve been through a few disappointing flirtations and it always comes back to trust and the actions of whomever I’m involved with. I wish I didn’t have to think about prior history but the past and it’s negatives are made to teach one another lesson.

    1. Oh, that’s lovely to hear that it’s going so well with the guy you are seeing *smile*. Fingers crossed that it turns into something wonderful for you both!

      And yes, negative experiences can make us somewhat jaded. But wow, doesn’t it make the gems stand out?!

      Ferns

  7. What I expect from potential submissives, or even submissive men I am just flirting with, is that they do what they say they will do. Every time. Reliably. Without fail.

    Alright already, I’m going to the gym now!

  8. This is pretty much my bottom line for all the reasons you stated. I *want* to stay in the sweet, lovely spot with a person (doesn’t matter if he’s a submissive or a lover or both). The surest way to get me disengaging is to not follow through. And I completely understand what you said about *wanting* him to succeed. The whole post is a massive *yes* for me.

    1. It just seems so bleeding obvious, doesn’t it?

      So it’s surprising to me that it’s so *unusual* (except, it’s NOT surprising to me any more, which is just sad).

      Ferns

  9. Too much is made of D/s and not enough made of trust. All relationships with trust at their core have elements of D/s, even if they aren’t specifically D/s relationships.

    Some people require trust, and some people are worthy of it. And those people are a good match.

    Good luck in finding someone who deserves your trust – they’re out there, even if finding them isn’t easy.

    Yours,

    Out of retirement part time blog post approver

  10. I couldn’t agree more.

    It’s my greatest pet peeve – and the surest path to my spam folder – to break promises. And worse? To do so blithely, without apology.

    This isn’t just a question of “dominance” or “submission” for me, but rather, of respect. If I promise YOU something, I will move heaven and earth to get it to you. If I, for whatever reason, find myself unable to meet the expectation I’d caused you to have, I’ll do my damnedest to alert you to my impending miss as far in advance as possible. And, I’ll apologize. And, I’ll offer more. And if, God forbid, I slip past a promised deadline and you still haven’t heard? I’ll apologize profusely, and endeavor to make it up for you – both what it is I failed to get you, and the injury I caused by failing to do as I’d said.

    I expect no less (and, honestly, no more) from a submissive. Or a friend. Or a fuck-buddy. Or a colleague. It’s a matter of basic respect.

    1. I can understand that.

      Though as I said above (but repeating because it’s important): I’m like that about things that are NOT ‘promises’ either. I make no distinction: did you say you’d do it? Yes? Then I expect it to be done.

      “I expect no less (and, honestly, no more) from a submissive. Or a friend. Or a fuck-buddy. Or a colleague. It’s a matter of basic respect.”

      Ahh, here we differ. If we aren’t trying to *build* a relationship on this foundation, I really don’t give a shit. Do it, don’t do it, whatever. Assuming there are no actual real life consequences, it doesn’t matter one bit to me. I just put that person in the ‘can’t be relied on’ bucket without a second thought and treat them accordingly.

      With a potential submissive, they either address it or it’s a showstopper. Totally different thing for me.

      Ferns

  11. That ends it for me every time. So often I’ll look back on a failed D/s encounter and realize that the first moment, the first inkling of the ultimate end came when he said “Oh yeah, I’ll do that for you, Miss..” And then didn’t. Oh, I may forget or explain or whatever and we may struggle on for a while but it always comes crashing down. Because ultimately, that first time is nearly always indicative of times to come. It’s almost like starting out the D/s experience by saying “Hi, I’m a submissive and as long as you don’t expect me to do anything I don’t want to, I’ll be -your- submissive, you lucky woman, you!” Nope! Of course things do come up and I would hope over time we’re all able to accept we’ll never be perfect but don’t ask me to accept that before you’ve even tried, you know?

    (BTW: Totally think dominants have to do what they say too!)

    1. So often I’ll look back on a failed D/s encounter and realize that the first moment, the first inkling of the ultimate end came when he said “Oh yeah, I’ll do that for you, Miss..” And then didn’t.

      *nod* I can relate.

      Some men who I’ve been interested in don’t have any inkling 1) that I was interested in them and 2) that I’ve quietly written them off when they’ve done that and put them in the ‘casual acquaintance’ bucket instead.

      “BTW: Totally think dominants have to do what they say too!”

      Absolutely agree :).

      Ferns

  12. Love the blog….Thank you!…It must take so much of your tine but it’s sooooo good

    Felt I had to comment this week…I love suggesting and carrying out tasks for my domme/Mistress especially at the outset. .It should help prove to her that I’m serious about pleasing/impressing her which is the whole point, isn’t it?
    Enough of my musings ..great blog xxx

    1. Thanks so much for the lovely compliment, beejay, I really appreciate it *smile*.

      And yes, I’d say ‘pleasing her’ is one of the major points!

      Ferns

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