There is a perception by some out there in the world that dominants enjoy conflict. Maybe some dominants do, but I’m not one of them.
One of the reasons I operate better in a D/s relationship is because I *dislike* conflict. I don’t like arguing, I don’t like fighting, and I *really* don’t like wasting time on stupid irrelevancies that shouldn’t even be a ‘thing’.
I want a harmonious, happy relationship where my sweetheart and I sail along smoothly and sweetly, and having a clear line of authority makes that easier.
Theoretically, if that was all there was to it, I could be submissive and have the same result with the harmony and all, but then add to the mix the fact that I am also stubborn and resent being told what to do and that is never going to work. I want things my own way and when I don’t get it, I become unhappy.
With friends, strangers, and random people, I don’t have to resolve things in my favour, and I have absolutely zero interest in creating conflict to do so. If they want to have something a certain way, I’m happy to go ‘sure, fine’ and unless it’s somehow vitally important, there is no way that I am going to argue about it. I don’t have to live with their preferences day in and day out, it doesn’t impact the harmony and happiness in my daily life, and I have no driving need to get my way with people with whom I am not in a relationship. In my own home and with my intimate partner, it’s a very different story.
My last vanilla relationship ended up being characterised by conflict where the one of us who was most willing to incessantly argue about stuff got their way. Our relationship was complex (aren’t they all?!), so of course this was not all there was to it, but if we had a difference of opinion about something, my choice was to argue longer and more loudly than him to ‘win’, or give in. Both options were hateful-making. The former made me loathe myself, and him, for wasting my time arguing about these things, and the latter made me resentful and angry. There was no goodness in it.
While it would seem an easy thing for two smart, articulate people who cared about each other to resolve, it wasn’t. What was really happening in all of that is that we were jostling for power in these small things, daily and relentlessly, and without the ability to step outside of it. No matter how many times we discussed it sensibly, like proper grown ups, we could not ‘get over it’ and we would find ourselves arguing over and over, or one of us would resentfully capitulate and then snarl quietly about it to ourselves while shooting daggers at the other. It was exhausting, beyond ridiculous, and ultimately unhappy-making.
One of the things I love about D/s relationships is that we agree up-front that I have the final say, and he trusts that I will consider him and his happiness in it. It makes me happy, and that makes *him* happy also. A lot of that potential conflict just goes away.
So for me, among other things, my dominance acts as a conflict-resolution strategy. Hmmm. Sounds about right. I should start couples counselling based on this concept, write a book, do the talk shows. Someone call Oprah!