I hear it a lot when some self-identified dominant behaves like a jerk: “They aren’t dominant, they’re just an arsehole.”
It annoys the crap out of me.
Let me let you in on a little secret. Come closer now…
The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
I know!! Shocker, right?!
Some dominants ARE arseholes. Also emotionally stunted, insensitive, selfish, rude, stupid, jerk-faced fuck ups.
You don’t get to to say that those people aren’t dominant as if dominance is a trait that magically erases any negative personal characteristics: It doesn’t.
There are good people in the world.
Some of those good people … Continue Reading “PSA: Some dominants are arseholes”
I really want to do a bunch of ‘How to’ posts to cover ‘hints and tips for newbies’ because I see these kinds of questions all the time from both potential submissives and from potential dominants. They’re great questions that many people struggle with in one way or another.
Hello. when answering questions you often say to new Dom’s not take the airy fairy stuff like ‘I want to fulfil all your fantasies’ and ask their partners for more details. But what if a sub really gets turned on by the idea of being used instead of any particular acts. … Continue Reading “Reader Q&A: How to explain that he wants to be ‘used’”
How does a sub say no at all. I read you blog entry on what to do if your sub says no but a harder question for a sub is how do you say no. Numerous times I have had very bad experiences because I didn’t feel I could deny my partner.
Recently My Lady put me through a scene that was several hours long. It was something I knew I would not enjoy but I felt I could not say no. Negotiation can not cover every possibility, I had simply never thought of this kind of play before. Now … Continue Reading “Reader QnA: How does a sub say no?”
Sometimes submissives ask how they can help their dominant (especially their *new* dominant) become more comfortable in her dominance.
Come here, and I will let you in on a secret…
Here it is:
Seriously. Do that.
I know it sounds as if I am being cute or something, but I’m not.
Do you want to know what I probably needed most from my submissive when I was finding my feet?
- A safe space in which to assert myself.
- To be certain that when I ask for something, he will comply.
- To be confident that he is eager
… Continue Reading “Supporting your dominant’s dominance”
Submission is not passive.
I remember a submissive saying to me once “It’s easy for me, I just have to turn up and do what I’m told…”
Yeah, good luck with that.
Submission is NOT about being passive. If someone chooses ‘submissive’ as a role because they think it absolves them of the responsibility to be an active and enthusiastically functioning participant in a relationship, they are going to be sadly disappointed.
I see a not infrequent attitude where men essentially say “My vanilla relationships failed because I didn’t do shit and she wasn’t happy with that… I just want … Continue Reading “Submission is not passive”
I talked in my Masocast interview with the lovely UnspeakableAxe about compromising away happiness, and I’ve had a few private conversations about it since then, so I thought it was worth expanding on.
A lot of people seem to start relationships with “Oh, that’s okay, it’s not that important to me” and end up with “What the holy fuck happened here?”
There is always compromise in relationships, but there is a world of difference between small ‘c’ compromise and capital ‘C’ Compromise.
Small ‘c’ compromise is about each side making concessions so that you can both be happy: talking about … Continue Reading “Compromise in D/s relationships”
When I met my boy, he was scared, as many newbies are scared.
Scared that he wouldn’t know what to do ‘as a submissive’.
Scared that this D/s thing wouldn’t be what he expected.
Scared that the reality wouldn’t live up to what was in his head, in his imagination.
Scared that he wasn’t really submissive, that he was ‘faking it’ somehow, fooling himself.
Scared that he wasn’t really a masochist, that his fantasies over all those years were false.
Scared that he would fail me, not be what I wanted.
Scared that I would lose interest because he … Continue Reading “Being submissive can be scary”