Reader Q&A: Podcast #104 [Audio]

Reader Q&A: Podcast #104 [Audio]

 
 
00:00 / 1:05:04
 
1X

Welcome to another episode of ‘Ferns drinks champagne and talks…’ Topics include:

  • Some personal questions (about fantasies, singledom & happiness)
  • How to find a domme
  • Tips on confidence for a newbie dominant
  • Why some offers of ‘submission’ aren’t as appealing as you think they are
  • Is this abuse?
  • How to punish your submissive
  • Sissies and cuckholding, a misunderstanding
  • A porn reading
  • And more!

Fun facts:
1. Those legs in the photo ARE mine, yes and
2. The ‘shut up and sit down’ voice in the intro music IS me

All me, all the time :).

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]

[00:13]

Hello Dear Listener, it is the first of March. Welcome to Autumn. My name is Sharyn Ferns from domme-chronicles.com. That’s D-O-double-M-E dash chronicles dot com. [domme-chronicles.com] I know it’s not autumn where you are, probably, but it’s Autumn here and it’s warm, and it’s still, and it’s quite beautiful.

I am at… [self deprecating chuckle] as always, I don’t know, three months, four months from my last, um, podcast, and I always think – always! – every single time, that I do not have enough questions to do a podcast. So I just leave it and leave it and leave it, and then I have 600 of them. [laugh]

So here we go.

From the first one:

Ooh, they’re very familiar. It’s quite sweet.

Hey Sharon,

They spelled my name wrong, can you believe that? Shocker.

Have you ever fantasized about, or tried dominating someone who cannot understand your language? Watching them struggle, confused, and have them work harder to submit, the delicious unfairness of it [slight laugh] to them. Thanks for answering your previous question for me, your advice was great.

That’s great. [said with slight questioning inflection] They do not tell me what question I answered, but that’s still great. Anyway.

Hope you are well.

All the best,

Pteridophyte Lover

Ah, see, I have to go look that up now. I’m going to have to pause them while I do that.

[laughter]

Thank you, Mr. Google. [laugh] That’s a fern. Ferns lover. Thank you so much. And I suspect that this writer has said that to me before. Did I ever mention that I have the most appalling memory? I do. Anyway. No, I have never done that. And… while that does sound pretty cute, one of the things is that I’m after a full relationship – like a partnership, romantic, monogamous, all that sort of business.

And not being able to communicate with someone is a huge barrier to that. I think in play, as you said, there could be some super-fun little value in doing that sort of thing. But… in a relationship, really? Not so much.

[2:59]

Oh my goodness, the next one is in Dutch. [laughter]

My lack of preparation here shows that I really do do these on the fly. So, one second, I’m going to have to go translate it.

And just to— to clarify, I can… speak Dutch.

Een heel klein beetje, ik kan het beter verstaan.

It’s terrible, it’s like three-year-old level. I can understand it better than I can speak it. I can read it much worse than, um, understanding it. So rather than… subject you to me trying to actually, um, translate it myself, I’ve put it into Google Translate, and it says:

Hello, how are you? Now I’ve been looking for a mistress for quite some time, but the prices for a session cannot be paid by me. I’m looking for a mistress who does it as a hobby and has more fun in her hobby than a paid mistress. Do you know mistresses, maybe someone for me? [laughing]

I do not know where to look and I’ve been with this feeling for years, that I feel submissive to mistresses. Can you help me.

I can help you. Go and buy my book. [laughter] Look, it’s not free. But if you’re comparing it to the price of a professional session, it’s super cheap! So I wrote a book called, um, How to Find a Dominant Woman, and it’s very practical, helpful, actionable advice to move you along that path for people who are a little bit clueless, like you seem to be.

I will put the link in my transcript, but if you look up Sharyn Ferns on Amazon, you will find my books and it will be there. Go buy it!

[05:01]

And the next one:

I always thought I was one hundred percent submissive, but the masochism has needed a sado- prefix for a year now. [laugh]

I’ve topped a few people, but always believed it was submissive mischief. Now I’ve met someone, and I can feel the domme side of me almost bubbling over. Taking things slowly seems to be sensible, but I’m scared I’ll get it wrong. I’m not like the femdoms in porn, and my pro-domme friends. He seems to like my way, but do you have tips on gaining confidence as a beginner femdom with an experienced male submissive.

I do have tips. [laugh]

The big one is: be you. The porn, and the pro-dommes have their place, but their place is not personal relationships with partners, or personal relationships with friends with benefits. It’s a very different kind of consumer or service, and, um, client relationship. So here’s my biggest piece of advice, and it applies to anybody who – any woman – who is exploring her dominance. Figure out what you want, and then ask for it! And if you don’t get it, or if you cannot negotiate around getting it, then either you have the wrong partner, or you have the wrong partner. [laughter]

I’m a big fan, forever, of knowing what you want and getting it. And going after it. And when I say that, I think people will— some people will jump to these extreme conclusions: “Well, you can’t have everything that you want because you’re being unreasonable.” But my experience with women who are new to, um, domination, and women in general, is that (a) they don’t know what they want, because they’ve never really looked at their own desires or their own interests in relationships, and the second is that they are very quick to give up what they want for the sake of someone they like or a relationship they are interested in. And the end result is that they are not happy.

So that’s my advice. You do not have to be like the porn tropes, you do not have to be like pro-dommes. That is a very different thing. What you have to be, is you. Figure out what you want, and then: Ask. Him. For. It.

And I’m not delusions here. You may not get everything that you want. But you – you have a, a, um… non-negotiable list, you know what I mean? These are the things that you want to make you happy. Do not compromise on them. Other stuff? Peripheral stuff? Compromise away. You negotiate that shit to whatever you two can both live with. But do not compromise away the fundamentals that you have decided you need to make you happy.

If someone is not onboard with that, they’re just not the right partner for you. There’s nothing wrong with them, they’re not a bad person… it’s just an incompatibility. So yeah.

[said in quote voice] He seems to like your way.

Go with it. Run with it. I hope it turns out well for you.

[08:42]

[sigh] I have champagne. I have cheap champagne, because I had a cold bottle in the fridge. I know, it’s a travesty. Did I mention I have a champagne boy? I do. He delivers me cases of quality champagne. And I do have some, but it’s not cold. And that is a failing on my part.

Okay, moving along. [laugh]

I just have to say that these podcasts are often accompanied by champagne. Which might be why I get more effusive and… I want to say angry, but not necessarily angry… passionate about my opinions as they go on. I’m not going to say that’s why, but it could be why.

Alright, I have to stop getting sidetracked here. Next one.

[09:38]

I am in a one-and-a-half-year-old relationship. First time with a domme, who is also a sadist, and I am a submissive and okay with a bit of pain play. We are living together and things are going okay. But one day I was pretty late from work and didn’t any of he— pick up any of her calls. Naturally she was pissed, and when I arrived home she slapped and punched me in the face. Didn’t ask a single question, and went off to sleep.

[exhales softly]

She is a very wonderful and kind woman, but that day she really scared me and made me feel really bad about myself. It was clear that we were not in any scene. Now I don’t know much about how D/s relationships, because it’s my first work. [sic] But was it okay for her to do it? Or was it some kind of abuse? Or am I overreacting? I’m stalling until your reply, or maybe just give her another chance because it seems quite common in other femdom-related websites and blogs, but your advice will definitely help me in the future.

P.S. Sorry for my bad English.

[audible inhalation]

This was such a… heart-wrenching and disturbing question that I actually answered it on my blog immediately so I’m going to go to that and let you know what I said.

Alright. This is what I wrote in response to this:

Let me say this in a very clear and unequivocal manner: What happened was in no way acceptable. It’s abuse.

It was not okay. Not even a little bit. And you are not overreacting at all. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Imagine if you swapped the genders here: maledom/femsub, and he slapped and punched her in the face because he was pissed. This wouldn’t even be a question, right? The gender of the parties makes no difference at all. It’s unacceptable behaviour.

It’s not okay in any relationship for your partner to hit you without your explicit consent. It’s not okay in a vanilla relationship and it’s not okay in a BDSM relationship. So yes, it’s abuse.

If you read about it happening on other femdom websites or blogs there are three possibilities:

One: It’s a fantasy. (And this is hugely common on the internet: Fantasy presented as ‘real life’)

Two: Consent was given but not explicitly stated in the writing (And, honestly, all of my real life snippets sit in this basket, if I ever talk about slapping someone in the face, I don’t preempt that by saying, “We consented to this.” So there may be some misunderstanding in what you’re reading out there.)

The third option is: It’s non-consensual and That. Is. Not. Okay.

It’s obviously up to you to decide what to do next: You know her, I don’t. You also know how you feel. You say you’re scared. And you— you should not, and please don’t, ignore your bad feelings. They are valid and you should listen to them.

If I was you, I’d leave. Not least because I now know what this person who is supposed to love me is capable of, and I find that frightening. I could never trust them again.

But I know that’s easy for me to say from here, so I’m going to ramble a little bit more.

An action like this generally doesn’t ‘come from out of nowhere’. Normally there is a pattern of intimidation or aggression, and physical violence is the progression of that pattern.

If this is an escalation of previous intimidating and negative behaviour (like yelling, or throwing things, or gaslighting, or name calling, etc.), then I’d advise that you leave. That is a toxic environment that has escalated into physical abuse.

If this is really some alarming and bizarre behaviour that really did ‘come out of nowhere’, you might have a chance to address it together. Regardless, you need to be very clear that it’s not okay.

Then ask her what happened.

As an aside: If she’s new to D/s (and I know this will sound ridiculous to people with experience, but trust me, I’ve seen it happen), she may have been influenced by some really bad information where someone (an ‘authoritative’ website or a forum or some other – in air quotes – ‘knowledgeable’ source online) told her that ‘this is how real femdoms handle their sub’s poor behaviour.’ The same as you looked at porn and thought, “Well, maybe this is okay,” she might have looked at that same kind of content and gone, “This is perfectly reasonable.” It seems ludicrous, but if she’s struggling and looking in the wrong places for help, she can get really, really bad impressions and bad advice.

Regardless of the reason, it shows incredibly bad judgement on her part, and I wouldn’t blame you if you considered it unforgivable no matter where it came from. But if you think you can salvage something, then dig around with her to figure out what happened.

Then work out some strategies together to handle conflicts in constructive ways that strengthen your relationship.

I’m going to stress this though:

No matter what you do in that discussion, if she isn’t abjectly sorry, horrified, if she doesn’t clearly see that she did something egregiously wrong, if she doesn’t promise that it will never happen again, ever, if she tries to justify it or excuse it in any way, then just leave.

If she’s not sorry or thinks it’s no big deal, then you have nowhere to go with it.

I wish you the very best of luck with this… situation.

[16:31]

Okay, something a little bit lighter:

Hi, love the podcast. Not only is it interesting, it’s also pretty damn hilarious at times, sometimes for the wrong reasons.

What? C’mon now! I am hilarious.

My question is: Do you think that the submissive nature of some men and women is related more to the day-to-day people-pleasing behavior. I wonder, since the latter is widely consider a flaw, and many books have been written about overcoming it. In men it often matches the (air quotes) “nice guy syndrome.” Or are the similarities mostly surface level or coincidental in your view?

That is a good and well-considered question.

Um. I think, I think there is some overlap. And I think there is some mistaking one for the other, if you know what I mean. I… I think some men are healthy people pleasers in their life. And when I say healthy, I mean men who are still capable of defending their boundaries, and not getting walked over, and not getting taken advantage of. Along those lines there are those people pleasers where that approach to their life in general comes from a not-good place. And that’s a different thing. I think if it comes from insecurity, or self-esteem issues, or lack of boundaries, or some… thing that makes them feel that they are only valued for what they can do for other people, then that is not a healthy place to come from. And I do think that some men see that in themselves and instead of thinking that is something that they might want to address in their lives, they extrapolate that and decide that they’re submissive.

So I think that there is a split there. And I’m not sure it’s all that easy to tell which is which. But… I think healthy people pleasing is “It makes me happy to please you” in general life. So they’re the people who do service for all sorts of reasons, whether it’s in the community, or in the workplace, or you know their neighbor, or whatever. And that’s awesome. And I think there is the people pleasing where someone thinks, “No one’s going to like me unless I do things for them.” And that is a very different place to come from. And I think both of those may be relationship submissives, or they may not, right?

But one comes from a healthy place, and one comes from a not very healthy place. So I think when you say it’s considered a flaw, I think that ‘not healthy’ place is a flaw. And I think people should work on fixing that mindset. Because I don’t think it’s healthy. I think it comes from fear, and it comes from self-loathing, and it comes from a lack of, um, ability to stand in the world? If I can put it that way. That is, it is not a constructive way of behaving. It is a destructive way of behaving. And I do see quite a few submissives who come into BDSM thinking that having a dominant is going to magically fix those issues that they have. But dominants aren’t therapists. And they’re not going to be able to fix those issues. So I think if you are coming from a healthy place that’s a very different thing than coming from an unhealthy place.

[20:29]

Next one is about [drawn out] Collarspace. I wrote – it’s one of my most popular posts – which is a little bit sad for me, because it’s not even about me. I mean, everything should be about me!

Um, I wrote a post a while ago about what’s happening with Collarspace. I think it was May last year, where they suddenly started – the site started behaving in a way that indicated it was going to be gone, like it was just going to disappear any minute. And I stand by that, though the minute has taken a long, long time to get here.

Um, so this one says:

I searched on Google on why my Collarspace profile is not being approved and this is how I got to your site. Now what the fuck is this? [slight laugh] Why are they not approving my account?

Now the funny thing is that they— this person must have read my post. In which I explain exactly what’s going on. So I’m not going to talk about that again. Collarspace… is a dying site. That’s all.

Um, it’s still usable to some, but a lot of people who are joining are simply not getting approved. A lot of people who are editing their profiles are not getting their profiles approved. There is no support anymore, you can send a million emails to the support team and it will not work. The functionality on the website is diminished in various ways and it comes and goes, so… they are in the death throes and have been for quite a while.

This person says:

The irony is that I’m a web developer myself and would be relatively easy to build something like this myself – a platform where people could meet. The problem is that browsing the profiles for dominas, I found too many sick people. [laughter] I’m new to this shit, and reading through profile descriptions made me feel like I do not belong there.

I have a few things to say about this:

One, is that… the value in those sites, like anybody could build one of those sites, and that’s not hard, you’re completely correct. I think what people underestimate is that those sites thrive because of marketing.

There’s no point having the perfect site for BDSM dating and having three hundred users on it, right? And not even three hundred. Let’s say, not – let’s say you have 30,000 users, that’s nothing. It’s nothing. FetLife has millions of users. I think – I’m not sure how many Collarspace has – I’m sure I could find that out, I should do that, but I’m not going to, because I’m incredibly lazy. [Ans: ~2.8 million registered accounts, but obviously not all are currently active]

Um, but the issue is not the tech – the issue is, with Collarspace currently, the technology – but they have a customer base that is enormous. And that’s why they’re a site. So any web developer can build any technically excellent site, but it is not useful until you get, what? I don’t know, 500,000 users? At least. So that’s the challenge for anyone wanting to do it.

And the other thing to say that, um… finding “sick people” (putting that in air quotes), look, any site is going to be inundated with people who are scamming, or who are lying, or who are in some way, you know, gaming the system, I don’t know. You’re never going to get a perfect site in that sense. And, if you want to engaged, you just have to wade through it. Men wade through, um, scammers. Women wade through a bunch of dudes who just want to wave their dicks around. So, you know, that’s the price you pay. [Laughter] I wish I could stop both of them, but I can’t.

[24:39]

Next one. From Betty.

Hello,

My husband and I have been gently entering into the D/s lifestyle of femdom.

Good on you! I always like it when couples find an interest in it.

This has really spiced up our bedroom life. I’ve told him that he’s not allowed to masturbate, and it only allowed release upon my say so. The other night he confessed to me that he got very worked up thinking [said with slight laugh] about a particularly hot session we had. And he ended up breaking the rule of no masturbation.

What do you suggest that I do to correct or punish him?

Thank you.

Well, Betty if— really, if you’re in the bedroom only, and… you’re not, you know, taking this outside, then it’s all for fun. So I think the punishment should be for fun. So, there are certain things you can— there are a million things you can do, obviously. And it’s hard to give you advice without knowing what you both enjoy, or what sort of dynamic it is, or what sort of things you do in day-to-day, you know, in your day-to-day sex life. So, what I would suggest is you do some “funishment” – I’m using that in air quotes.

So if you’re not really bothered by him doing that – and I assume you’re not because you’re playing in the bedroom, and he was a naughty boy – give him a spanking. [lauging] Like, you know, give him a spanking while making him recite lines from you favourite poem or something, or… or tell him he’s not allowed to masturbate for a longer period that you would normally, um, not allow. And maybe make him do something that he genuinely doesn’t enjoy: he’s got to wash the dishes for a week, or something like that.

So there’s a whole plethora of things to do there. I assume because you’re having fun in the bedroom and this has spiced up your sex life, this is not actually a concern to you. At all. So I think the punishment can be something fun that you both enjoy. So whatever that is that’s a little bit, you know, a little bit touching on “naughty boy.” [slight laugh] And it’ll be awesome.

[26:51]

This one’s from John.

Thanks for the post on Collarspace. Your experience matches my own. Besides Fet, it there any other site for us non-vanilla people. Thank you.

P.S. Keep on writing, I enjoy your thinking.

Well, John, I did ask for suggestions on that post, of sites as alternatives. And none, none really came to the fore. And I think part of the issue is there are quite a few smallish sites, but they just don’t have the volume of people to make it worthwhile yet.

So, go and have another look at that post, look at all the suggestions that are there. Just join all of them. Maybe, you know, people who join all of them, one of them will come into the fore and start to gain traction, and that’s when you start to get some, you know, realistic options for dating in them.

The other thing that is a possibility is to go on dating sites for vanilla people, and put something in your profile that will flag you as submissive. I’ve been on, um, OKCupid before, and they used to have (I haven’t been on it for years) they used to have a bunch of very detailed questions, including very explicit BDSM ones, that you could answer so that when you got matched, you would get matched with people who were the complement to you.

And I also tried putting something explicit about D— BDSM in there. Did not work so well. Because I got a lot of very young, eager boys who thought that was hot because they’d watched porn. And I have put in, um tried putting in, a little bit of a hint that is less obvious. And I have found some awesome submissive men there – but none of them are near me! So, you know, it wasn’t actually [laughing] very useful.

But the possibility is there, especially if you are American.

[28:50]

The next one:

Have you ever used someone as a human toilet/would you?

Uh. Do you mean, do you mean piss play? Or do you mean scat?

Because I will never do poo. I won’t.

Because it is not sexy to me in any way. At all.

Um, when I have done some piss play it was not as a human toilet, no. It was an act of incredible intimacy and bonding. Which is the only way I would do it. So, human toilet? Not so much. Doesn’t really appeal to me.

[29:36]

Umm. All right, the next one is:

I’m a twenty-four-year-old male sub who is fairly new to the lifestyle. I’ve been attending these kink events mainly geared towards femdoms and male subs. I did get to experience some light play. But I recently had an experience that I wasn’t entirely prepared for. A domme rather aggressively pushed me down on my back and got on top of me. She was sitting on my chest, with my arms under her shins, pinning me to the floor. I remember feeling different emotions including surprise, excitement, humiliation, intimidation and fear at not knowing how long she would stay seated on me.

Nothing else much happened. After sitting on me for a good thirty to forty minutes…

Whaaat? That is a long, boring time [laughing] to sit on someone. Wow.

…she finally got off and told me and simply told me she was happy she could show me where my place was. I guess I’m trying to figure out why I had such a visceral reaction to what happened, since it wouldn’t seem that extreme. But as intense as it was, I’m sort of hoping it might happen again some time.

[Oof!-like exclamation] I don’t really have an answer for you. I guess there is a lot in there to like, especially if you’re new. It could be, because what it really is, is control and power and restriction and ‘force’ (I’m putting that in inverted commas) and your loss of control. All that sort of thing. So I can get, I get it. I get why you liked it.

Um, if I was you, I would experiment more with different kinds of bondage and restriction and see how that feels. I think there is, what you described there is quite a bit of helplessness in it: that this is an inevitable thing over which you have no say. So I can see, can absolutely see that would press a lot of buttons for a lot of people. And if you want it to happen again, why don’t you just ask her?

[31:49]

Hi,

How can I express my desire as a submissive? I don’t want to seem passive, but I also don’t want to be aggressive and dominant. I just want to be super romantic [slight laugh] and tell her that I really, really like her but still want her to take the lead. What should I do?

And also, if you and me were to be out on a date and I opened the door, pulled out your chair, etc., would you consider me a gentleman? Or sexist? Women I have dated have really confused me on this matter. Especially the dominant ones. [laughter]

That’s a good question.

Okay, first of all: I’m not sure where, or to whom, you are trying to express your desire as a submissive. If it’s in kink spaces, then…I, I don’t think it’s so hard, when it’s appropriate to the conversation. You mention it in the conversation, you mention that you’re submissive and there you go: done. You see what happens between you and, presumably, the dominant you’re talking to.

But I will say this: you don’t express your submission to random people. Because that’s kind of not okay. So don’t be expressing your submission in some way with weird words or, you know, not looking someone in the eye, or being subservient to a complete stranger. That’s just not okay behavior.

So express your submission to a person who you are interested in, and who has expressed that they are dominant and with whom you are having an actual conversation about that. Versus random people.

And there’s no dichotomy or conflict between submission and super romance. Like, there’s a lot of people who tie the two together. I think I’m one of them. I think submission is romantic, and I feel it as love and affection and romance. So I don’t think there is any issue there with those two coexisting.

As for gentlemanly behavior, my advice to you is ask… the woman that you are dating. So, express your willingness to do these things, ask her if she would enjoy it. And she should tell you. Like, “No, I think it’s bullshit.” Or, “Yes, I would love that, thank you so much.” There you go. Done.

[34:17]

[intake of breath]

Ah! Nooo! [laughter]

This question! Who are you?!

The question is:

Are you happy?

Oh! No! I’m going to have a crisis now.

For the most part I am a happy person. I think.

So, I have the normal fluctuations, but I am living a life that is good and positive and that makes me happy. I think there are levels of happiness, you know what I mean? So you can be content with your life and generally feeling pretty happy about it, but that’s not like the ‘spiraling up of some amazing thing happening to you’ happy, you know what I mean?

So there’s a base level of happiness and, yeah. I think I’m happy. Thank you for asking.

[35:21]

Mmmm. Oh.

I need help. I was on a dating site. I am sympathetic to cross-dressers. I’ve been contacted by a nice person. It turns out he… she, it says “s/he,” isn’t a cross-dresser. She didn’t even know what she was. A sissy.

Okay.

I know many women turn their husbands into sissies…

Whaat?

…usually cuckolding them.

What? Whaaat?!

I’m a sweetheart, I guess. She wants me to be her mistress. Can I satisfy both of us? Can I take on a sissy and make him a husband, to the vanilla world, at least. It matters, and I’m serious.

All right. Firstly: Nooo!

I mean, I don’t know where you’re getting your information from. But the idea that many women turn their husbands into sissies and usually cuckold them is: Just. Not. Truuuuue. At all. Not true. At. All.

Both of those are very niche kinks. Niche kinks. But to say that many women do this, to their husbands, is ridiculous. So, wherever you are getting that information, you need to not look at that source anymore. [laughter]

Um, when someone has a sissy kink, or a cuckolding kink – and they’re not tied together in any way whatsoever, they’re just kinks. And people enjoy them, on both sides of the slash. There is no “many” or “usually” or anything of that ilk. And cuckolding in particular is an, is a, an, I would say it’s edge play. In terms of relationship. Because it is a huge, um, relationship changer.

Um. “Can I take on a sissy and make him a husband?” Like, I don’t… I don’t understand where this question is coming from.

You are “sympathetic to cross-dressers” which is different from sissy, or there is an overlap there, but a sissy is a particular type of cross-dresser, and I don’t know why you have fixated on this person to turn into a husband. You’re asking – I guess what I’m seeing here is you are asking the wrong question.

The question should be: Do I like him enough to be able to fall in love with him, to be able to build a life together, to be able to make marriage a thing that we would do together. Oh, and he’s a sissy and can I incorporate that kink into our life?

So I think you need to step back a bit and stop looking at it from the perspective of “oh, he’s a sissy”, and change it to the perspective of, “Is he a life partner?”

If he is a life partner and his kink is something that you enjoy, then the answer is yes, right? If either of those are a, “Uh, I don’t know…” then the answer is probably no. So, yeah, I think you need to step back and have a look at how you are assessing this situation, because I think you are kind of coming at it from the wrong angle.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

[39:16]

[laughter]

This shows how old— how slack I am with doing podcasts. This is old. It’s before Christmas.

Happy holidays, Miss Ferns!

How’s it going with sharing your space with family.

And there are a million smiley faces.

Love, Jaden

Your fave subbish girly.

[Laughter] Thank you, Jaden. And my Christmas was just fine, thank you very much. I coped. [laugh]

[39:49]

The next one:

I hate the depiction of submissive men on the internet. All those old, ugly men with hot young girls. AAArGGHH. I am submissive and hot. [laughter] ‘Cause I get my butt pinched on the subway, okay? This pic describes us much better, LOL.

I’m just looking at the picture now. I will put a link to it on my blog, so you can see. And it is a young man with a— surrounded by a bunch of hot women with their feet on him.

I’m not sure what you want from me in this, um, ask me. Since you’re not really asking a question. You’re just stating that you don’t like it.

So, look: If you are a fabulous young hottie, you go be you! And that’s awesome. And I think what you’re looking at is porn, and I think you are correct in a lot of instances, that porn concentrates on how sexy the women are and do not care much about the men. There are exceptions. And I think there are more exceptions now than there were, you know, say, ten years ago. Which is fabulous.

But, yeah, you go do you.

[41:11]

Dear Sharyn,

[laughter]

Long time listener, first time caller. Sorry, I lie. I discovered you only not long ago.

And then they said:

Waits for a champagne-fueled giggle.

No. I did that at the start. Because I’m a quick reader and I read ahead. [laughter here, totally NOT a giggle]

My question is, despite knowing the best principle is “always be yourself,” under the premise of both dating and BDSM I find myself wondering: During courtship do dommes/you enjoy the challenge in getting the submissive to succumb and relinquish their gift of submission? Or does one find a willingness by the submissive to submit more appealing?

For scientific purposes assume there is a similar level of initial attraction.

This is served with [laughing] white chocolate mascarpone mousse.

From hr_wth_me.

Thank you. I will take that white chocolate mascarpone mousse, thank you.

I, I think… of course every, every dominant woman is an individual. And they enjoy different things.

For me, personally, which is the only thing I can really speak to, what I enjoy is someone gradually realizing that they feel – I don’t want to say compelled, it’s too strong a word – that they feel the desire to submit to me as they get to know me. I don’t fight for that. I don’t. Um, I don’t, I don’t know what the word is. I don’t [deep, mock scary voice] seduce them into submisssion[end voice]. I don’t do that thing.

What I do is I relate to them as me. And if we are a fit, we both feel it, because it’s just there. And that is where my sweet spot it. And it’s a mutual thing, where he comes to me feeling like he wants to submit. And I accept that because I feel it from my side also. So that is how it works for me. And that takes a bit of time, right? So it has to be a part of the evolution of how we relate.

There has to be some obvious, you know, initial attraction or something in the beginning to start that spark. But in an actual for real sense, it develops as you are talking to each other. And I will feel that from him, and he will feel the complement from me.

So it’s not something where I am fighting for his submission, where I am [deep voice]challenged[end voice] to get his submission. That’s not how it works. And it’s also not a thing where he doesn’t know me at all and he’s happily willing to give me that. That doesn’t work for me either. So what it is is a mutual recognition that relating in that way makes us happy. You know what I mean? So yeah. It’s like that.

And other women enjoy various different ways of this playing out. Of course they do.

[44:50]

Ummm.

Would like to hear your thoughts on cum-eating instructions or snowballing. The idea of eating my own cum gives me a hard-on and would like to confront my wife [laughing] about this fetish. Would giving a woman oral after I come in her scare her away?

Aw, honey, I don’t know your wife. That’s a big ask. I suspect you think it would, and that’s why you’ve asked this question. I think the words you’ve used are very telling: “I want to confront my wife about this fetish.” I’m assuming your wife is vanilla and I think a lot of vanilla women would think it’s gross, and that’s the truth.

On the upside, it’s a very particular fetish; you’re not asking her to change her life, or change her personality or any of that stuff. But on the downside, I think a – it’s, it would squick a lot of women, vanilla women, out.

So I would maaaybe ask her, without saying, “I want to eat my own cum,” ask her, um, if it would be – if she would enjoy it if you gave her oral after you’ve had sex, because you would really enjoy that. You don’t need to explicitly say “because I want to eat my own cum.” [laugh] I would avoid saying that. Not that there’s anything wrong with that fetish, it’s not extreme, I don’t think it’s weird. But I think presenting it as a very specific act that you want to do to your, I guess long-term wife out of the blue is a little bit… [tongue click] uh, I don’t know. I just can’t imagine it being a thing she’s going to be enthusiastic about… going purely by the fact that you’ve asked me this question.

If you weren’t scared that she’d go, “That’s fucking gross,” you wouldn’t have asked me, right? So you know her, and I suspect you think she will go, “That’s fucking gross.” So yeah, I’d go— I’d go that route. Say that you really want to give her oral after you’ve had sex and see if she’ll be all right with that.

Good luck with it.

[47:07]

Have you ever had any harem fantasies? I wonder if you would like a stable of men/boys/subjects?

I have not, no. In a complete fantasy realm, I can a hundred percent see the appeal of it, absolutely.

In the real world, every relationship that you have requires a certain amount of energy and attention. And I do not have that to give. At all. [slight laugh] So, if I was… some kind of ruler who could have the harem and absolutely not have to give one shit about them, [laughter] that would be awesome. So I could just go, “You, come here and do this. You, go there and do that. You come and pat my head. You read me a book. You bring me a drink.” That would be great.

But in actual-for-real, I cannot get out of my head that those, um, submissives in that harem are people, and that would be a very unhappy relationship and very stressful, for me, because I would know that they would be unhappy with it. And I think, I think there’s this idea that, that there are sooo many submissives who just [mock slavish tone] live to serve [/tone]. And that is not true, at all. They do not. They expect reciprocation, of some sort. And, of course, best case, it’s complementary – that what I give is what they want to receive. But in a harem situation I would have to give to each of them the thing that makes them happy, and I am one hundred percent not equipped for that.

And also, apparently, I’m really bad at fantasy. [laughing] Because you asked, you asked a fantasy question and I’m going, “Yeah, but… they wouldn’t be happy. [sad, look-at-the-poor-puppies tone] They’d be all unhappy. [/tone]”

[laugh] So I’m kind of shit at this, if I’m telling the truth.

[49:17]

Next one:

I’ve been looking for a mistress for a while and it’s for online and some in person play. Often when we chat and I go to hangouts from the original site we met on. During that time I usually offer them a chance to see and use me, to see if she thinks we’re a good fit. Ninety-five percent say, “No, not until you buy me a hundred dollar iTunes card”…

Hmm. That’s… an odd thing to ask for. But okay. Young people, am I right? [laughter]

…”and then we’ll see.” Aren’t mistresses supposed to be into dominating? Why does it feel, not in all cases, but certainly most, like they’re doing me a favor? I just don’t get how they can lack desire to dominate.

This is such a common question. And, here’s the thing: when you say you offer them a chance to “see and use me,” what you mean is, “I offer them a chance to do me in the way I like. In the ways I like. I offer them a chance to make my dick hard.” And I know it seems weird to so many people (and it’s weird to me they find it weird, but anyway). Men seem to think that they are doing some amazing favor allowing a woman to do that.

And let me tell you, these women that you’re approaching? They get 600,000 of these offers over, and over, and over, and over. It is not a compelling proposition, it is not an interesting proposition, it is not a sexy proposition. At. All. Not at all. Not. One. Bit.

The reason they do it is because people will pay for it, that’s it.

So, when you say, “I don’t get how they can lack the desire to dominate,” you are misunderstanding what is going on there. When women desire desire to dominate, they dominate men that they enjoy. Men that give something back, men that they’re in a relationship with, men who delight them with their reactions, men who they know, men who they trust, men who they can connect with, men who they are intimate with, men who they can build something with. Not ‘random dude on the internet’.

And if you do not understand this, I [laughing] cannot help you. I can’t help you.

Because anyone who’s had a human relationship with a human woman, in any capacity whatsoever, understands this.

So yeah, pay the money, pal. Or do not expect women to cater to your dick online for free. Like, it’s just not realistic.

[52:24]

[laughter]

When I sent my message, I didn’t notice the two minus one.

I assume this is some message that did not go through because I have a little… [questioningly]maths test[/questioningly] on it. That is a two minus one maths test to try and get rid of the spam. And this person missed it. So I guess I didn’t get their actual message.

Bless your little heart.

[52:56]

The next one is:

I absolutely refuse to believe you’re still single.

Me too, amirite?

Here’s the thing with, with people who say stuff like that. They assume that it’s because nobody likes me. [laughter] And that’s not how it works. [more laughter]

It always comes from there: “I can’t believe you’re still single! Why does nobody like you?”

And in actual fact, the truth is that it’s the other way around: I don’t like anybody. And that’s the truth. And when I say that, I don’t, I don’t mean it as literally as that. I feel connection rarely. So I have met and gone out with some really lovely, good, smart, fabulous men… and I just don’t feel it.

And, so that’s why I’m still single.

There is a thing, you know? There is a thing. And I wonder sometimes if the majority of people don’t know “that thing” – I’m putting it in air quotes, “that thing.” And what that means (if they don’t know ‘that thing’) is that they feel a connection easily and often with, you know, every second person they meet because they are the kind of person who connects easily. Who immediately sees, you know, potential and goodness and relationship stuff with ev— you know, a lot of people. And I just don’t feel that.

So when I connect with someone, I connect, you know what I mean? And it is fucking rare that I feel that.

Mostly I feel: you’re really nice, and you’re awesome, and fabulous… and there is no “there” there. There’s just… nothing. I don’t feel it.

And that, Dave, is why I’m single.

[55:22]

I have an email now from… Lion.

I am a fellow blogger, I think you read me: Male Chastity Journal. Like you, I stopped going to events and clubs quite a while ago. And, frankly, even though everybody knows my name it didn’t feel like fun anymore. I just wanted to suggest that maybe you consider looking for non-scene people who can provide the emotional support and comfort you want. Just a thought. It turned out really well for me.

I thank you for that. I… have always looked for non-scene people. So, yeah. [laugh]

Yeah. So, yeah. [another laugh] I don’t know what sort of advice you’re giving me, but that’s what I’ve done for the last however long. So…

[56:12]

Next one is:

Hi,

I want to find a caring older domme. I’m twenty-six, male myself, but I’m below average in looks and I’m mildly autistic, so I can’t play to my charms, or good confidence or things like that. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I grew up without a proper mum. Childhood neglect. Plus I have a lot of health issues, autoimmune things. I just want to be held and comforted. Sad face. Am I doomed? If not, what do I do? Haaaaalp.

Um. [long sigh] I’m not going to downplay the challenges you have here. What I think, and I’m not sure that this is particularly helpful, because I’m sure you’ve heard it before: what I think always about people who are looking for partners is that you need to be your best self. And you don’t need to be… something you’re not.

So, when you say you’re average in looks, and you’re mildly autistic, so you can’t play to your charms or good confidence, there’s a part of me that says that there are things that you can work on in yourself to give you more confidence. And they may not be the things that are conventionally socially acceptable. And that’s okay.

You know what I love in people? When they have a passion for something. I don’t even care what it is. I used to work with a guy whose passion was – and this is so obscure, and I loved it – whose passion was taking videos [laughter] of, um, remote-controlled car racing. That was his passion. And I don’t care that I am not interested in that thing. When I spoke to him, and he was excited about it, that was awesome. He was good at it, it was his passion, he did it on the weekends, he had friends from it – it was just awesome.

So my advice to you is find something that makes you happy and go do that shit. Because from that you build a kind of a better sense of yourself. You can make friends if it’s some kind of hobby. You can expand your idea of what is a goodness in yourself, I guess, if you want to think of it that way.

The other thing I would suggest is that if you are genuinely concerned about this – you are not doomed, by the way – but if you are genuinely concerned about this, or you think you don’t know how to move forward, I would sincerely suggest you try and find a therapist. Because— not because there is, you know, something wrong with you, but because issues that people have with themselves can often be helped with an external perspective.

And we don’t— We’re not good at doing that ourselves, we’re not good at looking at ourselves or unraveling our own issues. And that’s why therapists provide a value. And there is, um, a kink-aware directory on the internet if you Google it. Kink-aware professionals directory. And finding a kink-aware therapist will mean that they’re not going to somehow— that you don’t have to hide your kinks, or your interest in kink. You can talk about it and they can incorporate that into the whole of you. This versus trying to hide it, or telling a non-kink-friendly therapist about it and having them pathologise your interest in it.

I wish you the best of luck. And, no, you’re not doomed.

[1:00:08]

And that’s it for the Q&A part of this podcast.

If you have been reading my blog, you will… this next little section will not be a surprise to you. It’s something completely different and I thought I would share it on my podcast as well in case you do not read my blog. And why don’t you, by the way? It’s awesome [laugh].

In case I haven’t mentioned it somewhere else I’m thinking of putting together audio porn of the actual porny kind, where I read from my Domme Chronicles book of erotica. And in that vein, I came across some amazing porn, very short, on Twitter, and as a foray into audio porn, I thought I would read it for you and see how it goes.

The tweeter is Patti Harrison, and her handle is @Party_Harderson [chuckle].

So I’m going to read her story and I hope you enjoy it.

“He started putting his penis near her vagina. It was BIG. His penis, that is. Not her vagina. THAT was small. Anyways, so his penis is starting to get near her vagina…[laughing].”

“once he put his penis near my vagina, THAT’S when I knew it was going in there soon ”

“Then he asked with a smile on his amazing face ‘Are you ready for my huge penis stuck in there? Your vagina?’

and that’s when she said, “Yah”.

and it was time to get it put in

“She arched her back that was unshaved but was naturally hairless. ‘Yes to this sex!’ She said about it.

He laughed his pleasure laugh. His Rod was inside & his balls [laughing] were on the outside, the way it ought to be.

‘Yes.’ She screamed each time the cock was in there pokin” [trying unsuccessfully to stifle more laughing… snort-laugh]

“That’s when he did a move she really liked a lot. He rolled her [more laughing] he rolled her over on her hairless stomach. [gasping laugh] ‘It’s time for it from behind’ he said, naked.

‘Huh?’ I don’t think she heard him.

‘It’s time for it from behind’ he repeated himself moaning during.

‘Nice!’ She heard him this time

“Mmm you feel that?” she said getting it in her pussy. [trying really hard not to laugh]
“Yah it’s really good! I love this it’s amazing!” he yelled.

“Mmm really glad you like it.” She said, pointing down to her pussy

THEN? She start riding on his penis on top of him as if he were a car & she was driving the car!

“Awhaaawlm!” she moaned, the pleasure crazy like a big storm.

“My penis feels so good. It’s hard & this life is crazy” smacking his lips.

“Yah” she nodded, her tits were there

And… the end [waits for applause].

I hope you enjoyed this very serious reading of erotica as much as I enjoyed reading it for you.

Thank you for your patience with my irregular schedule of getting these out. And that you for listening along with me.

If you would like to ask me a question you can go to my Ask Me page on my blog, which is domme-chronicles.com, D-O-double-M-E dash chronicles dot com. And I look forward to hearing from you. And I will speak to you next time.

Bye bye for now.

[1:04:55]

[outro music]

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4 Comments

  1. This HAS to be your best one yet. I not only loved the “on the fly” nature of it but you deliver your answers and advice in such a humorous, and well thought out way… And, of course, your lovely non-accented, champagne inspired voice. WELL DONE!!! :-D

  2. Great podcast.

    Very insightful for me as I’m trying to improve my dominant side. Well, to be honest, create one.

    Do you have any reading material recommendation?

    Luka/ Spices Of Lust

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