Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #105 [Audio]

Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #105 [Audio]

 
 
00:00 / 48:06
 
1X

This femdom Q&A includes the following:

  • Subs as footstools: What do you think?
  • Is my dom mad? Why does he want this?
  • How long can a man go without orgasms?
  • Who was your favourite fictional teddy bear?
  • Why not just choose a vanilla man?
  • Busted at airport security!
  • Public signalling of D/s tendencies
  • “I’m a right wing arsehole and submissive, soooo…”
  • How do I get my vanilla partner to be my dominant?
  • And more!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]

[00:10]

Hello Lovely Listeners, and welcome to my podcast.

My name is Sharyn Ferns, and I write mostly at my blog, domme-chronicles.com. That’s D-O-double-M-E-dash-Chronicles-dot-com.

So I have, of course, a bunch of Q&As to get through. And at the end of the podcast I will let you know how you. Can. Ask. Your. Own. Anonymously, in fact. So I will never know who you are. But you have to be nice, it’s a rule. I just made that rule up; it’s not really a rule, because everyone’s always nice to me.

[laughter]

I wish that were true.

Right. I have a new computer. If you’ve been following my blog you will know that my beloved George gave up while I was away on holidays and I was actually computerless for several weeks, which was a terrible, terrible trial for me. But I have new, very light, very fast computer. I have named him Thor. And if you want to know why, it’s on my blog. It’s not the reasons you might think. But it is Chris Hemsworth, so if you thought that, [laughing] well, you weren’t wrong.

I’m going to start now. I have champagne, by the way, in case you’re wondering. I always tell people that, I don’t know why. I sound like some kind of drinkaholic. Um, but I do find when I’m doing a podcast, it’s nice. Because then it’s like I’m having a drink with friends, you know what I mean?

Right, so here we go:

[02:00]

What is your opinion on using subs as furniture, like footstools? Have you ever had a human footstool? Would you ever like one?

Look, I think it’s a cute idea. And I can understand why people like it. But it’s… in terms of level of interest, it’s pretty kind of low, you know what I mean? Like, you can do it for a certain amount of time, and there are variations on how you could do it, but not that many.

So, I think as a cute little part of playing around, I think it’s lovely, I think it would be lovely to just watch TV and have a warm, human footstool. And I think it’s a lot of fun for people. I think for objectification, like literal objectification, where you treat people as objects, the possibilities are huge. And I think that’s an obvious and very cute one.

And if you love it, you go!

[02:59]

I just had very kinky sex with my fuck buddy the other day.

[laughter] Good on you!

He was being very dom in the beginning and said, “Tell me when you cum,” before we had sex.

Oh. It’s a female suuuub? Unless it’s a male sub with a male dom? Let’s see, shall we? How this unfolds.

During sex, I was gagged and I couldn’t tell him when I was.

[laughing] Logistics, man.

At one point, I did and he asked if I did and pushed my head down telling me I was supposed to tell him when I did (again, being very dominant). After sex, we were talking about how wild it was but he said that I didn’t follow the rules. I can’t tell if this is the whole rule-breaking kink thing, or if he really was mad that I didn’t tell him when I came. But my other question is why would he want to know when I do?

That’s a lot to unpack in there. [slight laugh]

I, I kind of assume it’s, um, male dom, female-sub, but… you need to ask him. Because it could be anything. He, I suspect he’s just game playing and he thinks it’s fun to tell you to do something and then ensure that you can’t actually do it and then have a little go at you for not doing as you were told. And then he gets to do a little cute, “Ooh, you must be punished! Bad, bad sub.”

But, here’s the thing: If you are unclear on what is going on, you have a problem. And, at the moment, it’s a pretty small problem. Like, you’re not distressed by it, and there’s nothing bad going on there, but if you’re going to play these games together, you each have to know what is happening. Because it’s not nice for you to have this worry that he’s actually angry at you, which is what you’re telling me, that you’re, you’re worried that he’s actually mad. And it’s not a lot of fun if he doesn’t realize that. Because it means you’re out of synch. So you’re not playing together, you’re playing these games where… you don’t understand what’s going on. And, in the end, this one is pretty harmless, but without good communication pretty harmful things can happen and make you both end up feeling bad. So, yeah, you’ve gotta ask him.

And the why [said with slight laugh] would he want to know when you want to come or when you’re going to come… if he likes these kinds of games, it’s a control thing. It’s a control thing in that he is forcing you to do something that might be a bit uncomfortable for you, he might want to say, “No, you can’t,” he might want to feel like, even if it’s nominal, he wants to give you permission to come, and that might be a control thing. But you have to ask him that as well. But it’s a pretty common thing… to, for the person to have to ask for permission. Or to tell the other, the domly type, um, before they’re going to come. And often, what that results in, is the dom saying, “Well, you can’t. You have to hold off.” And then that’s a hot kind of denial thing going on there.

I hope you sort it out, because kinky sex with a fuck buddy sounds pretty good!

[06:15]

The next one:

I listened to your Q&A podcast for the first time today.

Well, welcome. I hope you’re back!

I loved it (of course)…

[laugh] Thank you!

…and I won’t bore by going on and on about how much. But the [in faux french accent] piece de resistance [end accent] was the reading at the end (highlighted by your delightful muffled snorts of laughter).

I object! Pretty sure I don’t snort. C’mon.

You must have come across this podcast already, but just in case, I felt I should direct you to My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Cheers, m_gameboy

I’m glad you enjoyed my podcast, and thank you for the recommendation. A lot of people have recommended that one to me.

[conspiratorial tone]Tell you a little secret: [/tone] I’m not really a podcast listener.

Does that make me a hypocrite? I dunno! I tend to… tune out when I have things in my ears, and then when I come back to it, I’ve lost what was going on.

So I’m not sure I’m really good at… listening? [laughter] Probably not supposed to say that about myself, am I? But I think in the end it becomes like background noise to my brain and so I’m not good at listening. I can’t do audio books, either.

So I do appreciate that, it’s been recommended by quite a few, so I’m sure it’s fab.

[07:41]

I am a dom and I want to know how long can a man go without an orgasm?

Well, kind of forever, I guess.

I mean, some people physically can’t orgasm for various reasons.

Um, there are some studies on ejaculation which is not orgasm and, um, the biggest study shows that ejaculating regularly is healthy for, um, the prostate. So you want to take that into account.

But ejaculation does not need to be accompanied by orgasm. So, theoretically, I guess health-wise and… like, capability-wise, he could go… forever. [laugh]

I’m sure if he’s a healthy male, he’s not going to be too keen on that, unless he kinks hard, kinds really hard on orgasm denial and chastity.

[08:38]

Hey ho!

Who was your favourite teddy bear depicted in fiction?

With kind….. Ahhhhhh he’s eating my honey

[laughing a bit] This is cute and weird.

I don’t even know that many teddy bears in fiction and I’ll tell you… that the only ones I remember are Big Ted and Little Ted from…

Ah! I can’t even remember the name of the show. But you know it, it had Jemima in it, she was the little rag doll. “Through the… Through the…” and there was a “Through the window” little bit? Play School? I don’t know, I’m going to have to Google that now.

It was. It was Play School. Go me. I didn’t love Play School though. So, maybe I don’t have one. That’s sad. I did have my own teddy bear, though. And, as I got older, I dressed him in my little baby T-shirts and it was super cute. He’s still at home, at my dad’s house. He’s not in great nick, but he’s still there.

[09:54]

Um…

Hi,

Should I look for mommy dommes in a femdom munch or an ABDL munch? Do you see any in femdom munch? Where and how can I find one? I am starved of affection in vanilla relationships and I know that kind of love and belonging I can only experience in an MDLB relationship.

[softly] Why? [louder] These acronyms, man! ABDL, I’ve got it. Um… MDLB, I’m going to have to look that up.

Please help.

And in brackets it says:

Have you ever felt unloved in a relationship even if you get tons of good sex and your partner is awesome, but you feel unfulfilled and know something and everything is missing. Thats how I feel all the time, I am just starved of ‘that different love’ you know.

Okay, to clarify the acronyms for a start:

ABDL is Adult Baby Diaper Lover.

And I had to look up MDLB. It’s Mommy Domme, Little Boy. I have never heard that one, so this shows how much I am knowledgeable about this, um, little subsection of kink.

I think going to munches, um, to look for a domme is the wrong approach. And it’s not that you won’t necessarily meet one there. But the reason for munches is not to pick up, or hit on, potential partners. The purpose of them is to socialize and, if you want to get mercenary about it, to, um, network. And the advantage, if you are looking for a partner, is not, [as mock command] “Go to a much, look for a partner!” [end tone] the advantage is you go to a munch, you meet a bunch of people, you develop some acquaintances, relationships, friendships, and your circle of potentials widens as you meet more and more people.

If you go to a munch expecting to find a domme, you’re going to be disappointed and you’re probably, I dunno, even if you’re a good person and you’re socially skilled, people notice when you’re really just… creeping around looking for your, you know, kink partner. They notice and they know that. So don’t do that.

Um, I think you should go – I don’t know how many ABDL munches are in your area, but if I was you, I would go to all of the munches that are available and meet people. Become known, become trusted, and your circle will widen and your chances will improve.

As for feeling unloved in relationships, I think anybody in a relationship that is not working for them feels that. And it’s not necessarily the other person’s fault or your fault. I think if you’re not connected at a level that you need to be connected, you will feel that. Like a ton of people feel very lonely in their relationships. And it’s nothing to do with kink necessarily, though it might be. But it is to do with simply being a mismatch. And if you are feeling that in your relationship, it sounds then like you’re looking to cheat, or something? I would… not do that. [short laugh]

Um. It’s much better to get out of a relationship that is not working for you and be fully free to find one that does. So that’s my recommendation. I wish you luck with it.

[13:38]

Dear Fern,

How are you? I hope you are doing good.

Thank you for asking, I’m doing well.

Um…

I’m Yassine, and I just felt a bit curious about your love life from your recent post Vanilla Dating and Me.

Something I don’t really get is why you’d think that a “vanilla” man is anything different from your regular submissive hunk.

[laugh]

From my limited man’s perspective, I feel like men are quite easy. At least, if you’re a man, then you know how men tick; and you know that a beautiful woman like you. I assume from your…

[laughter] There’s a big assumption here.

…I assume from your voice, and shoes, bra, and corset pictures that you are beautiful.

I sooo am!

Um…

A beautiful woman like you can just walk anywhere, find a man she likes, and get him to commit to her the next day any way she likes (for example marrying her and serving her 24/7 for life).

So I don’t understand why the complicated search for a partner.

I’m sure any woman thinks that women are easy if you know the right buttons to push; so I just wanted to ask why don’t you think the same about guys?

Even the most successful, smartest, most desirable men out there are just men in the end. You can play them like a whatever-instrument-is-easy-to-play (sorry, I never played any musical instrument, so i wouldn’t know which one is easiest).

[laughter]

That’s all; and, by the way, how do you feel about the notion of marriage? Or life commitment? Is that something you’d like to have with your breakfast?

[more laughter]

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I like your blog a little, even if I’m not a big fan of erotica, mystery, and abstract expressions. But yours seems to smell like freshly perfumed woman-scented panties.

[laughing again]

Something about it feels extremely feminine. I like that.

And thank you very much for taking the time to reply.

If I were single, and a bit older, … (I would have filled the blank with something that my wife wouldn’t want me to say.)

Cheers, and wish you a million days of happiness.

Yassine.

[laughter]

Well, thank you for the compliments, Yassine.

But man, you are so wrong, you are soooo wrong.

Firstly, there is an assumption there that I actually meet men that I like. [laughter]

Like, that I just like everybody. But I don’t.

I connect rarely with people. And that goes for all kinds of people, but particularly for men I want to be in a romantic relationship with. It is soooo rare that I meet a man I connect with, in any meaningful way. There’s not a million men running around out there that I would actually just go, “Yes, I’ll take you, thank you very much.”

Most of them I meet and they’re lovely, and they’re smart, and they’re funny, and they’re awesome… and I feel nothing. So there is something there with me that does not connect with people in general. Which I think is one of the reasons why when I do make a connection it is fierce, and intense, and I will fight for it, and I will hang on to it, because it is absolutely diamond rare that I feel that.

I don’t– I don’t know where you get the idea that you can reduce men down to… I think what you are reducing them down to, and that is a human life form that just responds to “a beautiful woman.” (I’m putting that in air quotes.) That nothing else matters. That’s not how it works. And… I’m old enough that I have had many, many vanilla dates and vanilla relationships and I can get a lot from a vanilla relationship. Which is why I’m willing to go on vanilla dating sites.

But there is a point at which even the best, most giving and loving vanilla men will draw a line, and that is the point at which the relationship is unfair. And you can get away with the unfairness during the new-relationship-energy period, so the “honeymoon” period. Men in love do, and will, behave like submissive men. They will do anything for you. And they will do it happily. And they will– vanilla men, actually, much more than submissive men– will do it without conditions. Because they are motivated by this energy. And it’s not just sexual energy, though a lot of it is that; um, it’s also just emotional energy.

But. And here’s the ‘but’: D/s is inherently unfair… in terms of who does what, in what ways. And the only way that it is fair and that happiness can be equal is if the submissive partner gets as much out of his submission as the dominant partner does out of dominance. And for that you need someone who is submissively wired. Because good men, good vanilla men, who will do anything for their woman, will feel that unfairness. And they will push back. Because it’s, it’s… well because it’s unfair. And that is not what vanilla men get off on, or get their validation from, or feel affection from, or get their happiness from.

So… you’re just wrong. [laughter]

And I don’t think, as a man, you have any greater insight than a woman who has dated… many different types of men over many different years. Um, so you are misunderstanding how it works.

And let me say this: If I was just interested in kinky games, I– I would agree with you. If I had just a mild kink for femdom play in the bedroom, every now and than, any vanilla man will be [sing song voice] de-light-ed [end voice, commence laugh] to play along with that, because it’s fun and it’s hot. But that’s not what D/s is, for me.

So, yeah, it doesn’t work like that, is my answer.

And, as to your question about marriage, or I think it was long-term relationships: absolutely, I’m interested. Marriage… is not a particular thing for me, I don’t care about it. But a long-term commitment and a long-term relationship, and a happy ever after with the love of my life – absolutely I’m interested! Sign me up for that, please!

[21:09]

So today as I arrived back in Australia (land of no accents)…

Thank you! You are a hundred percent correct.

…after visiting your Dutch-Indonesian homeland (I take my stalking of you very seriously) [laughter] I got pulled out by customs who made a very careful study of all my electronic devices and messaging apps. My first-ever time busted as a submissive in a vanilla context. Some interesting texting conversations were still open when I got them back.

[slight laugh]

I was wondering if you ever had customs inspections problems.

I have not, no. I vaguely remember someone pulling, um, some kind of sex toy out of a carryon bag when I went through security one time. But it was minimal and I think they were so embarrassed they just popped it back in without saying anything. But I don’t remember having to have a conversation about it.

Um, thumper, of, uh, denyingthumper.com is his blog, is a chastity enthusiast who travels a lot and is pretty much always locked, and he got pulled over by the TSA in the US for the first time, ever [laugh], the other day. And in the end it was fine, he just bolded his way through it, and they went, “Thank you, sir, you kind of weirdo, and bye-bye now.” And it was fine. He got a little thrill out of it, I think, to be honest.

But, yeah, I – I think it happens sometimes, and I think the biggest thing is to not make a big deal out of it yourself, and I think you’ll be fine most of the time. [laughter]

[22:55]

Hi Ferns,

So with all the furore opening up about Michael Jackson and the questions over potentially despicable artists vs. their work. Do you think it’s unfortunate that people celebrate the Marquis de Sade given the possible pedophiliac elements of his work? Could we do with a different word for sadism, or should we just accept it for the classic reasons it’s been applied?

All the best, Mary

[intake of breath]

Mary! What a great question!

I think… [exhalation]… The origins of words is a hard thing.

So… I think everyone has known, even if you take the pedophilia out of it, the Marquis de Sade was a bad guy, who did bad things. So he eroticized a lot of non-consensual, terrible, violent, torture-y things that were not mutual pleasure in any sense of the word. And I think– I don’t know how that association came to be, but I think in the beginning sadism wasn’t about pleasure, it was about some, like, psychopathic tendencies and it was in the DSM, the manual for mental health problems for a long, long time. So I think it evolved from there and then started to be used in BDSM-y type situations. But I think initially everyone knew, and anyone who reads de Sade knows, that he is not the poster boy for anything to do with BDSM.

Do I think [sigh] could we do with a different word? Probably, honestly. Probably we could, but that’s not going to happen. And I think, I think we need to accept it. And I also think it’s worth calling out, if anybody glorifies de Sade, that he did some shi– really shitty bad, scary terrible things. And he was not a good guy, and he’s not some sort of role model.

So, yeah. Good question! [laugh]

[25:07]

I’m a male sub serving a slightly dom male. Could we have an IM session with you telling him what to do to me next?

[laughter]

Mmmmmmmm.

I’m going to go with… NO. No.

[25:25]

The next one is completely blank. [laughter] I guess someone put in a space and pressed send?

[slightly robotic voice] I cannot answer your question. [/voice]

[25:35]

Hi Ferns, hope you are well.

I am! And thank you for asking.

You know how when you’re sitting back with friends and idly speculating on and interpreting the world?

I do know!

And then you’re drunk, and you fall over, and it’s pretty embarrassing.

That’s the spirit in which this is intended.

I was talking with my friend who is a gay male dom. We were laughing about all the very specific tells in the gay community for people’s kinks. You literally can’t wear any piece of clothing or jewellery without signalling your desire to get beaten with a tire iron.

[laughter] I don’t think that’s true.

My question is this: is there any such signalling in the D/s community? I can’t get into online stuff or local meet ups for professional reasons, but I often come across women who make me feel like a gazelle on the Serengeti being leered at by a lioness.

And he puts in brackets, “hot.” [laugh]

I let these opportunities slip and never know if there was any potential there.

Is there any signalling you can do that includes plausible deniability in the dating scene. It’s possible to go all in and ask, but in a different social circumstance this isn’t possible.

Thank you. You’re a cool, tall glass of lemonade. (I’m not great at [laughing] compliments)

A

[laughter]

Well, A, that is a very lovely compliment and you are absolutely good at them.

Um… No, not really. Not one that is recognized in a wider sense. You can wear a BDSM… triskelion. I just wonder if that’s the name for it. I’m going to have to look it up now; geez I hate that!

Okay, I looked it up. Yes, triskelion. And you know what’s weird? Is when you’ve never said a word out loud before; like I don’t think I’ve ever said that word out loud. And then it sounds weird. Um, which you could wear as, I guess, cufflinks, or a ring, or, you know, a bracelet or something.

But, no. There is no widely recognized, um, symbol that everyone is going to pick up on. I think that’s the closest. I think people have tried to introduce signalling of different kinds since forever, but that’s the only symbol that I think is very widely recognized throughout the BDSM community. People see it and they know it.

And I think for plausible deniability, I think it comes from somewhere, but I’m not sure where. See, I want to look that up now. Be all Googling stuff while I’m doing a podcast.

Okay, I did Google it. [laughter] And there is a ton of deniability in there. Go and look it up on Wikipedia and you can pretend that you are a fan of Celtic symbols or, um, Sicily. [laughter] It’s got references in neolithic, bronze age, and iron age in Europe. And also in Asia. So, yeah. Go read it up and you can deny the shit out of it.

[laugh]

[28:52]

How hot are you?

I am very hot. Excruciatingly hot. Thank you for asking.

[29:01]

Hi Ferns,

[slight laugh]

Sorry for the repeat message, I’m the guy who asked about signs of a submissive. Just to be clear (I don’t want to waste your time), I am referring to interpersonal tells such as body language, little conservational breadcrumbs…

conservational? I think you mean conversational breadcrumbs…

tone of voice, certain looks and facial expressions. I’m not talking about dress or jewellery.

Goddammit. I looked that up for you.

To continue with my dumb example, I feel like a gazelle. How do I act like a gazelle [laugh] and motivate that lioness to pounce and sink her teeth into my neck?

Thanks again,

A

A… no. No, no, no.

Here’s the thing: Socially, people behave in, um, certain ways that can easily be interpreted as D/s on either side of the slash. But it doesn’t mean they are. So, my advice to you is if you see someone behaving in a way you like, do a little flirt with them and see how that goes. And… it’s no different from vanilla behavior, honestly.

I think there– that as a dominant it’s easier, because I can flirt with little D/s references and see if they pick it up. But… I think it’s harder from a submissive perspective, because you can tend to come off as a bit creepy, I think, if you, for example, do things you think of as submissive towards a vanilla woman. I think it can, it can come off wrong.

So… my suggestion is just do some normal flirty flirt and see how she reacts. And then, if she is dominant, and she’s interested, then she might bring some “rawwrr” – some ‘lioness rawr’ into the conversation.

[31:12]

Sharyn, she of the awesome accent, …

There is no such thing as an Australian accent. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you people!

Um…

Ferns. [laugh]

My wife and I have been enjoying your podcast (love that it’s when YOU want it to be)…

Oh, I’m glad you love that! Because I am incredibly lazy. [slight laugh]

…and writings. I’ve been lucky enough to have found a very dominant woman and we are living a D/s lifestyle. When we can, we play full-on, but even when cooking dinner we do it – she can grope me, but I can’t touch her. When out, I am her pack mule, or she leads – small things that even though they look regular, it’s very real D/s to us. In a previous podcast someone asked about ways that a domme could “punish” her sub – my wife has come up with the most evil, cruel, and horrible punishment [laugh] – She goes “Vanilla.” She plays it totally straight and regular. It’s a nightmare and she can last waaaay longer than I can. Now, when it’s D/s and we want romance, there’s always the undertone of who’s in control. With “vanilla” that feeling is gone. I certainly obey her to avoid that punishment.

Anyway. Love all you do. Thanks.

Shannon and Richard from California

Thank you so much, Shannon and Richard. That’s a cute story.

And I think that makes perfect sense. I think withdrawing dominance is, absolutely a punishment. And an effective one. I think with my subs I wrote, with one of my subs, I wrote one time about, um, doing it for just half and hour and he was… pretty distraught [laughter] about it. Which, worked a treat, really. So, yeah.

[32:59]

Dear Agony Aunt,

[laughter]

I have a question that is likely to get under your skin and maybe make you angry. I just want you to know that this is exactly what I intended.

Right. Okay. Lovely…

I’m a right wing asshole. I think Trump is great. Sure he is a vulgar, arrogant narcissist but I actually find that endearing. He is a classical shit-talker that is quickly going extinct.

I’ve also always thought that bringing up politics, money or religion in polite company is forbidden. It’s much better to stay on the safe topics like ass fucking and foot worship.

The problem is that all the dommes I run into are left-wing of some stripe. The core of our sweet little D/s dance is based on trust and I will not lie, but I have found that it had led to an immediate loss of rapport and not in a way that involves being forced to my knees and getting the shit beaten out of me (that would suck!).

Do you have any advice?

Regards,

And then in brackets is says, strangely, “One letter isn’t anonymous enough for this.”

PS: You’re a captivating writer and an intoxicating speaker. There’s something ineffable and transcendent about you. (I believe I needed to massage your ego after this question)

Well, look, I don’t know why you that question would make me mad. I don’t care that you’re a right-wing asshole. Um… look, the only thing you can do is wherever you are looking for partners, is put on your profile that you’re a Trump supported and don’t bother with people, um, who are left wing. Because they are never going to see eye to eye with you, and for many it is not “politics” (and I’m putting that in air quotes) – these things are not politics, they speak to the core and fundamental beliefs that someone holds, so… they’re never going to be compatible with you. So the best thing you can do is put it up front so you don’t have to have those conversations, and then people who are going to be at odds with you will simply not engage with you at all.

I don’t know why you’d think I’d get mad about that question.

[35:23]

[loud laughter]

I bitch will u dom me? And show bobs and vagene?

[laugh]

Just kidding.

Have you ever thought about adding an anonymous compliment option? I’d like to ping sweet little nothings at you without the expectation (or, indeed, the possibility) of anything in return. I imagine it would be a real drag to read trite middle school lit on your podcast.

Hope you are well.

A

The Q&As are exactly where you should say nice things to me. And then I can broadcast these nice things to the world and… I get a little ego boost out of it as well as feeling all warm and fuzzy. [laugh] So you go with the sweetness in my ask me page! Thank you.

[36:17]

I am already in relationship. I want my girl to be dominant and make me her slave and I think she don’t like all this. What should I do?

Please help.

This is soooo, so, so, so, so, so, so, so common.

[sigh]

I… I think you have to figure out what it is you want. Exactly. And it’s not “to be made her slave.” That is a meaningless thing to say. And it’s not “for her to be dominant” – that is also meaningless. So, genuinely sit down and figure out exactly what it is you want. And then, from that, parse out the minimum you need to be happy.

And I think once you do that, often the minimum that you need to be happy are simply acts that you can ask her to do for you: kinks that you want enacted in the bedroom or, or the occasional, you know, two hours on a Saturday afternoon, she yells at you a bit, or something like that. So be very specific about what it is you want, and don’t mention “slave,” don’t mention “dominance,” don’t mention “submissive” – sit down with her, have a chat about it, and ask her if she would be happy to do these things, for you, to make you happy.

And while you are having that discussion, make sure that you ask her what you can do for her to make her happy. Because she may have a ton of fantasies, or a wishlist that she has never felt comfortable bringing up, or that she thinks you wouldn’t be interested in. So make it about exploring each other and expanding your mutual boundaries. Versus you trying to “make” her do a thing, or “be” a thing. Because that’s… not going to work.

Once you have an environment where you play these games, and you have fun with it, and it’s mutually enjoyable, then you may find that each of you is willing to… explore further, you know what I mean? But you don’t go to a vanilla partner and say, “I want to be a slave, I want you to dominant me.” It’s– It makes no sense, it’s meaningless jibber jabber. So that’s my advice.

[38:50]

G’day Ferns,

[laugh] G’day, A.

I think this is a different A.

Your writing is incredible. You manage to combine elegance, sophistication, beauty and intelligence with ferocity, violence and power.

Wow. That is a compliment and a half!

It’s intoxicating. I could lose myself in your prose. In fact, I often find myself staring off into the distance and daydreaming after reading you. You are one of those rare writers who makes the reader feel as if they were being personally addressed – as if you were reaching through the pages and grabbing him by the lapels: You are in the presence of greatness, boy.

[laughing] This is the best letter ever. [laughter]

I know of nobody else who can communicate the lust and passion as viscerally and as eloquently as you. Most other F/m experiences I have had feel sterile, almost clinical in comparison. I am unsure whether it is the force of your personality or the quality of your writing. Maybe it’s both. I imagine that you emit a faint hum and sparks fly off of everything you touch, that just being within your aura inspires feelings of deference and submission from those attuned to the frequency. Is this what [laughing] teenage girls feel like when they’re gushing over musicians or whatever? I guess I’m no longer in a position to judge!

A

[laughter]

That is a truly lovely, lovely, um, email. Thank you so much. And I assume you are talking about my book and not my blog, upon which there is a lot more daily chitchat than there is, um, erotica and passion.

Either way, I thank you for it.

[40:43]

Hello Ma’am.

My name is Chris. I am 47 and my fianceé is 45. I have recently come to the strong realization that I would love her to be the leader/dominant of the relationship.

I’ve just– I’ve just had a thought, which is aside from this, that I could almost do, um… an AMSR [subtle laugh] audio clip, with drinking champagne. Do you think… should I do that? Is it AMSR? Or ASMR? I’m not sure. I’ll do a sip for you, you can tell me.

I have to try not to [laughing] laugh though.

All right, you ready?

I’m going to bring my mouth very close to the, to the microphone. And we’ll see how we go.

[Clinking glass sounds, thunk as something is set down, more clinking glass sounds as fingernails drum on champagne flute]

[slurp] (MFMWKE ed. Ferns may kill me. Still worth it.) (Ferns ed. ‘Slurp’?!! How DARE you! I keel you!!!)

[swallowing, followed by gentle exhalation from nose]

What do you think? Should I do one of those?

Anyway, I got distracted [laughing] [???] because I have a very short attention span.

All right. Back to… um, the email.

I have been doing extra chores and doing things for her that she likes. I meant it… [confused hesitation] to her, but she was resistant to the idea of taking charge…

Oh: “I mentioned it to her,” I think he means.

…but she was resistant to the idea of taking charge, so I dropped it quickly and continuing doing things for her. She is strong willed and has strong opinions on how things should be. She tells me that she feels bad that I do so much extra and ask for nothing in return. I know she likes doing less and seems almost to be adjusted to it. I just wonder what your opinion on if she might finally open up to taking the leadership/dominant role.

Thanks,

Chris

The first thing is that, the fact that she feels bad that you do so much extra an ask for nothing in return is, um, an issue. Because we are taught from a very young age and, um, female dominants particularly have to get over this because we are taught as women that that is not how to be in the world. So my suggestion there is to give her lots of reassurance and thank her for allowing you to do these things so that she doesn’t feel guilty. Because that guilt is actually real, and it is a barrier to being happy in that kind of relationship where your partner does things for you.

[sigh]

I don’t, I don’t have an opinion on if she might finally open up to take the leadership or dominant role. Because I don’t know her. I mean, you know her.

It– is it possible? Yes. But there is a difference between accepting active service and being actively dominant. And what you might mean by being actively dominant is… I, I don’t know what that is. ‘Cause it could mean any number of things. I think, I think, um, the only thing you can do is not to, you know, harass her with this since you’ve already talked about it, but she was resistant to the idea.

But at some stage, rather than talking about it as a big, general scary thing, it might be worth talking about some role playing. Because often you can get quite a bit of the kind of feeling you want from role playing, say, for an afternoon. Or for a short period.

So you’re not asking her to “be the leader” which, actually, you’re asking her to do work. And being the passive recipient of your service is not doing work, obviously. Having to step up and be proactive in that is having to do work. So… if you can maybe talk about doing a bit of role play, you might be able to get a bit of that itch scratched. But I think… if she is truly vanilla, then I think it’s unlikely that she will, if you’ve been doing this for a while, if you’ve talked to her about it and she’s not seemed interested.

Sooo, yeah. I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s as common as people wish it was. I was wish you the best of luck with it. I hope it goes the way that you want. And I hope that you’re both very happy with however it goes.

[45:36]

Hi,

I have just found your podcast and am loving the content and the relaxed approach. I absolutely love your voice and laugh [laugh] (and your legs too)! Just interested to know if you are a whole lifestyle dom, or only in the bedroom? And are you a professional dom, or is this your actual passion/fantasy?

Is there anywhere we can get a picture of you?

Thanks

Keep up the brilliant work,

John

Uh, where are we? Where are the questions?

Lifestyle. Umm, not only in the bedroom.

Not professional.

Yes it’s my passions. Not really fantasy. It’s how I prefer my, um, for real romantic/love relationships to work. There are pictures on my blog, but if you mean face pictures. No-o-o. No face pictures out on the internet. Are you crazy?! [laugh]

[46:39]

And… that’s all we’ve got for today. I feel like I spoke really, really fast. I’m not sure if I did, I have to run it through again and just do a quick edit for all the missteps and swearing. If I did speak really, really fast, I might just slow everything down so I sound like [mimicking pitch-shifted, low frequency, slow-motion sound] like this instead [end voice]. But we will see.

If you would like to be part of the next podcast, [sing song voice] I would love it [end voice]. You can, um, ask me a question on my blog, which is which is domme-chronicles.com, D-O-double-M-E dash chronicles dot com. Forward slash askme (one word) is the page where can ask me anonymous questions [domme-chronicles.com/askme]. I will not know who you are unless you tell me. So feel free to pop over there and ask me anything for the next podcast. I’d love to hear from you.

And thank you all for your attention and for listening. And I will speak to you next time.

Bye for now.

[47:56]

[outro music]

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7 Comments

  1. So I thought it would be fun and interesting to ask you a question. The problem is that I find that now I can’t even bring myself listen to your podcast. Call me crazy, but it’s mortifying. i guess this is “never meet your heroes” but with Dommes and champagne-addled podcasts. Boo.

    1. Mortifying hearing you answer my dumb questions, not your podcast in general — listening to (and enjoying) your other podcasts is what caused me to ask a question!

      1. Heh. Thank you for clarifying: I read your comment VERY differently.

        Having said that, you’ll be pleased to know that “Champagne-addled and Mortifying” is going into the hat as an option for the title of my autobiography :P.

        Ferns

  2. Glad to be of assistance. I have a synopsis suggestion for you too:

    “… and so I decided at that moment, I was going to get my own way in all things forever, consequences be damned. Ever since I’ve had a crowd of doe-eyed men hanging on my every word. Funny old world.”

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