Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #108 [Audio]

Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #108 [Audio]

 
 
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This femdom podcast Q&A includes the following:

  • Cut or uncut, that is the question
  • How to get my sub to be more communicative
  • My submissive doesn’t initiate, help!
  • Scammers, boo
  • A certain type of play is causing him concerns
  • How to support your vanilla partner in finding her dominance
  • Resources for beginners (spoiler: My non-fiction book list!
  • Me telling a new domme to DTMFA
  • I’m really attracted to my sub, but he wants ‘MEAN DOMME’
  • And more!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes and Spotify: Subscribe if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]

[00:10]

Hello Dear Listener, and welcome to my podcast.

My name is Sharyn Ferns, and I write at domme-chronicles.com, that’s W-W-W-dot-D-O-double-M-E-dash-chronicles-dot-com.

I’m here to do another femdom Q&A, and welcome to it.

I normally have champagne, but… look, it’s a [laughter]… it’s a Tuesday. I don’t know when I normally do these, but it seems a bit indulgent to be having champagne on a Tuesday at 1 pm in the afternoon.

I should do it though, shouldn’t I? [laughter]

I’m trying to talk myself into it. As if that needs doing.

I’m going to start and I’ll see how I feel after a couple of questions. [laughter] Depends how ridiculous they are. [more laughter]

[01:16]

The first one, okay the first one is… I mean it’s short and a little bit ridiculous.

There’s no, “Hello, Ferns” or anything like that. It’s just:

Cut or uncut, question mark.

From Un-cirumspective Chap.

Look… I don’t care. [laughter] I don’t care.

[sing-song voice] I don’t care, I don’t care. I care about the person…uh, that the penis is attached to. And if I get to see his penis, yay. And he’s cut, “Yay!” And he’s uncut, “Yay!” I don’t care, I really don’t.

And I think, generally speaking, most women care a lot less than you think.

And I– And now I’ve said that and I need to kind of take it back, because I think there is a familiarity thing, I think the same as, um, the way that vulvas are presented everywhere all the time in, um, public places. Whether it’s soft porn or– [quickly correcting] porn or hard porn, or selfies, or… amateur whatever, there is a certain look to… vulvas that, in general, many people not only go, “Oh, that’s so pretty,” but I have actually seen people go, “Ewww,” when it’s not that. And it is absolutely infuriating to me that now we’re policing and commenting on whether women’s vulvas are acceptable within the perfectly normal range of how they look.

In particular it’s about color, and it’s about, um, labia size, and… [mock artist voice] presentation. It’s like everything has to be some Instagramable beauty standard that is, (A) is unrealistic, (B) not normal, and (C) everywhere, ubiquitous.

So I can see that there is an equivalence there with, with cocks where what we see the majority of the time is circumcised cocks. And… so there may be a small – and I don’t know how big they are, I want to say small, I want to say small – subsection who have never seen, or are unfamiliar with, um, uncut cocks. And therefore think, “Eww,” in some sense. And what I say to that is, “Grow up. Just fucking grow up.”

So that’s my take. And I did say your question was a little bit ridiculous, but actually it’s not, and I apologise for saying that it was. I think it’s a valid question given I’ve now given… spent two seconds [laughing] thinking about it. I think it’s a valid question that comes from a place of possible encounters where there was a clear preference stated and it was something that made you feel a little bit insecure or unhappy about yourself.

You go out there with your uncut cock and wave it around! With consent, obviously.

[04:54]

Moving on from cock talk. [laughter] And we’re already five minutes in. [laughing] I’ve just spent five minutes talking about… cocks. So go me!

I think I do need that champagne. [laughter]

I’m going to go get one! And you can wait.

Actually, I won’t make you wait. Because I will pause this, of course. I’ll be back in one second.

Okay, okay. I am champagned up. I have a glass of Mumm, courtesy of my champagne boy. Did I mention I had a champagne boy? I have a champagne boy. How good is that? I can tell you it is very, very good indeed.

So, cheers. And on to the next question:

[05:42]

Hey, good evening.

Good evening!

Um…

I am writing– I am reading your writing, and have a question for you. I just discovered I really like being in charge with men, and want to explore this intentionally. In fact I want men to pay me… to please me. I already know that I can please them.

How can I get started? I don’t know where one can meet the right sort of match, and make an appropriate arrangement. Can you provide some direction?

Thanks in advance,
Maxime

Well, Maxime… I am not, um, someone who accepts money for domination, so I’m not really the right person to ask. I suggest you get onto FetLife for a start, and join some… pro-domme groups. And maybe some online domination groups, I’m not sure what exactly you’re after. But… there is a lot to learn if you want to do it safely and you want to do it well. So starting there and asking questions and seeing if they maybe have some resource lists and that sort of thing to help you out would probably be useful.

There is a huge difference between being a pro-domme in real life, where there are, um, a lot more physical and legal challenges – not to mention just basic logistics like having a space, and having toys, and having, um, the right hygienic practices, all that sort of business – and doing it online, where it also ranges from pure pay-for-content, to pay-for-play, to some kind of findom arrangement. So I don’t really have the expertise to help you with any of that. But, yeah, I suggest you go and explore in spaces where they’re doing that and talking about that. And start to learn.

Good luck to you.

[07:52]

Hi Ferns, ever thought about a search box for your website?

[laughter] And I don’t know if this is a signature, or if it’s a reference to something:

Pining for apples

It could be a reference to something, because I’ve mentioned two things recently – and, without context, I’m going to tell you what they are. [laughter] I’ve– well, one I haven’t mentioned for a long time, but I have mentioned somewhere that, um, what I do for a living is shine apples in the supermarket. So when you go past all the apples there and you go, “Oooh! How shiny they are!” That’s me. And you’re welcome.

And the second thing I commented on somewhere was… seeing something about people talki– I’m sure they weren’t really doing it, but they were talking about inserting pineapples into vaginas or butts. And I may [laughing] have made some comment about that somewhere without investigating the actual thing because I did not want to go down that rabbit hole. [MFMWKE ed: Hole. Hurr, hurr, hurr.]

Anyway.

(A) I already have a search box on my website. But, (B) thank you for this inquiry because I have now added one that is in the menu, so that is much easier to find for mobile users. Um, if you are on a cell phone, you will now find it in the menu. If you are on a laptop or desktop, it has always been over on the lefthand side – oh, no, the righthand side, um… whatever – sidebar. I was going to say, “Whatever you call that thing.” Sidebar. You just have to scroll down a little bit.

Um, so thank you for that. And I have improved my website based on your comment. I appreciate it.

[09:36]

Dear Ferns,

Just came across your podcast. Really loved it.

Oh, thank you so much!

Thank you for putting out this good stuff. I listen to it on my bike going from work to home and it really adds to the ride. [slight laugh] I loved your voice, your laughs, but in particular the responses and at the times when you get serious, I really could feel the vibe.

Really enjoyed it.

Paul

Well, thank you, Paul. And I’m glad to make your ride a little bit more pleasurable. And I hope you’re being careful out there.

Bike riding is dangerous business.

But very good for your fitness! So kudos to you.

[10:20]

Hi, Fern.

Exclamation. I should say it with an exclamation.

Hi, Fern! [laughter]

Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences. I write to you as a “dominance-friendly” straight single woman – I do not have a strong dominant streak, but I have more fun with men who identify as submissive.

That’s awesome.

I find they are more open-minded and playful than dominant men, who often have stuffy, macho ideas. [laughter]

My question/complaint – question-slash-complaint – is about men who are not just sexually submissive but also “socially submissive” in the sense that they take a passive, sometimes non-communicative view on dating. I am a shy person, so I sometimes need my partner to be assertive and approach me.

I also like that, because I feel it indicates he is interested in me and not just reacting to me. Unfortunately, the last couple men I dated tended to be silent-slash-passive, although whenever I approached them, they were enthusiastic and willing. I guess I just want to feel wanted. How do I communicate my needs to future partners?

Well, I think that you have communicated your needs to me very well. And, really, all you can do is tell that to the people you are dating. I’m going to say this, though: I think, um… there is a subset of men who identify submission with, um, being passive. And that’s not really how it works, in general. And for most, I want to say most, submissive men, I think it’s not actually true. They want to be submissive in their relationships, and out in the world they run the gamut of, you know, shy and passive and non-communicative to… bold and loud and gregarious. So, if you are striking those men, then I think you’re only seeing a subset.

And there’s two things there. One is you tell them what you like, just as you told me. Because that’s fine, and you’re communicating what you need. The other thing is that people are a certain way… and the only way that communicating what you like is going to work is if they are somehow… um, behaving in a way that they think they should behave as submissive men. And there is some of that. So they, they have somehow equated submission with being passive. And so they’re doing that because they think that’s wanted.

But if they’re doing that because that is how they are, it is very, very difficult to get them to change their style of communication. Even if they want to. Because it’s like saying to you, “Well, just don’t want the thing that you want. Just change yourself so that you don’t want that type of sort of interaction anymore.” And you can’t, right? Because you want what you want, and that’s what you like, and this is how you… enjoy interactions. And… you can’t ask people to change how they fundamentally are.

And one of the things I find is that submissive men are very eager to please. Which is love-ly, and they will try for you. And if it’s not who they are, and it makes them very uncomfortable, and they can’t– and it’s too far of a… journey from who they are to being that thing that you want, they’re going to fail at it. And that’s not their fault.

So they may try really hard, and it may work for a short period, and then they will go back to what is comfortable for them. And I also think there is nothing wrong with asking for it, and asking them to step up. And maybe they can. Maybe it’s outside of their comfort zone, but they can learn it and learn to be comfortable with it. But you can only ask so much of them. So, yeah. Communicate what you like and see what they say about it.

You might be surprised.

Good luck with it.

[14:47]

The next one:

Dear Ferns,

First I have to say that I admire everything about you.

[Laugh] Thank you so much, that’s so lovely.

And hopefully as a newly discovering domme/top (not sure yet) can reach up to your [slight laugh] elegant and fierce style at some point in the future. My question is how to get my submissive to be more in communication with me when we are not together. We are both fully busy with work and life drama; however, he does not seem to initiate contact even when I have asked him to. He is responsive whenever I text or call him, but still this really bothers me to a point where I have to ask for reassurance that everything is okay. Which he confirms. However he doesn’t correct the behavior either.

I am aware that this should be resolved through communication and not punishment, physical or not, but when I open the subject he just says that everything is fine and he is just busy, same as me. Would be grateful if you could advise some pointers on how to handle this situation.

Thank you and kind regards,

Croft

Well part– [brief struggle to articulate a thought, followed by, “ugh”] If you refer back to what I just talked about, I think there is a, there is a – part of it is a bit of that. That there are certain ways that people communicate, and that they like to communicate, and sometimes communication styles are very different. And what works for one person doesn’t work for the other. And sometimes that is a fundamental mismatch.

[With promising note] However, since you are in a D/s relationship, what I suggest you do is… make a rule about it. And… find a, uh, something that is not too onerous for him. You said you’re both busy, you don’t want it to be a huge chore, but something that gives you some of that communication that you want.

If you make it a rule, then it’s part of your D/s framework. So you can say, “I want you to…” whatever is flexible enough to work in with his, um, other commitments, but you could say, “I want you to text me once a day and tell me something about how you’re feeling about our relationship.” That’s a little bit wishy-washy, I don’t quite like that – I’ve just come up, come up with that off the top of my head – because it has to be doable. And if he’s sitting there then for half an hour going, [deep mock caveman voice] “I don’t know what to say,” then that’s a problem.

So have a chat to him about it, to find out what will work for him. And then make it a rule. And… build in the flexibility so that he has some room to fit it into whatever is going on with him. But also make it a thing he has to do. And the best case is that he will grow into that, that it will become a habit, that he will get something from you that makes him enjoy it. And then you have a new way of addressing that issue.

I’m going to say this, though: A lot of times with different communication styles, it’s very hard to resolve for those reasons I said earlier. If it starts to feel like a burden and a chore, for him, he is going to do something that doesn’t satisfy what you need. For example, it’s very difficult to mandate something meaningful like that. And the chances are if he doesn’t like doing it, and he finds it a chore, he’s going to text you with something that doesn’t at all satisfy what you’re really after, which is some emotional connection, and some reassurance, and some feeling of togetherness, and… that sort of goodness. And that’s a very hard thing to mandate.

But I would start there, and see if you can put a rule in place and structure it in a way that gets you what you want but isn’t too onerous on him and see how it goes.

It’s a tricky one. Communication styles are very important. And… they can be very hard to fix. So the other thing is to consider how important it is to you. If you can accept that it’s not about his feelings, it’s about his style. And I think that can also be hard to accept that, because… you feel what you feel.

So… that would be my suggestion as a starting point, see how that goes.

Good luck with it.

[19:25]

Hi, I’ve never had a BDSM encounter, but I met (or thought I met) a nice woman who wants to dominate me. Eventually, she asked me to buy a bunch of stuff – belt, cuffs, sling, oil, etc. And she – [brief laugh] This is in capitals. – AND SHE INCLUDED THE LINK WHERE TO BUY THEM. [laugh] So obviously she’s getting a commission or runs that site outright. Just another scam to make you aware of.

[laughter] Bless your little heart.

Look, I appreciate you “making me aware of” this scam, but it is sooo common. Very, very common. And… and when you say you “met” – you mean someone contacted you online, obviously.

There are so many different types of scams, but the, the bottom line is that if you haven’t met someone, and you don’t have a relationship with them, and you’re not a finsub, and… you’ve actually been promised some kind of relationship, and then someone asks for money, it’s a scam.

Ethical findoms, and ethical pro-dommes, and ethical people in general do not do that kind of bait-and-switch where they pretend that they are building a relationship with you, and then ask you to buy stuff. That’s not how relationships work. So, if someone does that, they’re either… like, mind-bogglingly naive in some weird way. [whisper to let you in on a secret] Which is unlikely. [/whisper] Or, [switch to matter-of-fact tone] they’re scammers.

So, yeah. Don’t do that.

And I think I’m going to add this also. I’ve got a couple of pieces about scammers on my blog, but I’m going to add this: People who have never been scammed think that people who are scammed are… are somehow really stupid. And that’s not the case. A lot of these scammers are very sophisticated, and they’re very clever. And they will invest time in building what looks like the… some gorgeous relationship. Like, they will spend time on that.

And if you’re not very internet savvy, even if they’re following some sort of script, it can actually fool you into thinking that it’s someone who genuinely cares, and who genuinely wants to meet you, and who genuinely wants to have a relationship with you. And they can be very good at that. And the kicker is that when they ask for money, for whatever reason, and if you balk at it, or refuse, or ask questions – what they will do is that they will tap into every insecurity that you have ever felt about being submissive, and hit that button over and over:

“Oh, you will never find somebody like me.”
“I thought you really cared about me.”
“I thought we were building something amazing, I thought you were going to be my slave.”
“No one will ever want you if you don’t do what your dominant says.”

All that sort of stuff. So… it can be very compelling and very confusing. So, be careful out there, folks.

[22:38]

I am new to the BDSM life, I am a dominant woman with a submissive man. We have been together a little over a month. We have done some crazy fun stuff in the bedroom…

[laugh] Congratulations, you.

…and have a great dynamic together. However, out of the bedroom, he is very difficult to communicate with. We make rules – like he is supposed to text me daily at least once to see how I am. I love communication.

Are we seeing a pattern in these emails? Dear listeners? We are, right? Isn’t it interesting.

This is a very common problem. I should probably write a blog post about this.

He lasts about a day and then he is silent. If I confront via text, he is apologetic eventually. I can’t tell if he’s playing games to purposely break the rules, or if he is only into the dynamic on his terms. He will certainly accept discipline, but only when he wants. He wants a full-time lifestyle, but is putting in very little effort. We are already discussing this and have agreed on everything that’s currently on the table. I am not sure how to handle him further. When we are apart it seems like he puts me at the bottom of his list, despite telling me he wants to please. Together, we rock. Any tips?

I have just – [laughing] I’m going to spruik my own book. I have just written a book called How to Handle Disobedience. And it walks you through, if you are having trouble with your submissive not doing what you say and not doing what you ask, or doing this thing – where they do it once and then it fades away, and finding excuses for not doing it. I have written this book because this kind of thing comes up over and over with, especially new, dominant women who aren’t quite sure what to do about it. Because you can only say the same thing so many times, right? And you don’t– you start to feel like (A) You’re making a mountain out of a molehill and (B) You’re being some kind of… nag about something. And this is not the dynamic that you agreed to, obviously.

So, you can [laughing] go grab that book on Amazon. [laughter] Because the help I’m going to give you… is not going– it’s, it’s… I give you a process for handling this. A very clearly defined process. And I talk about, um, why submissives disobey and the groundwork you have to do to get them to obey in the first place. And I also walk through a very clear process when you strike disobedience. And it’s worth having a read to see the bigger picture and the context of disobedience.

And this is disobedience. So… you’ve asked your submissive to do a thing, and they are refusing to do it. And it doesn’t matter that they’ve got… whatever excuses they’ve got, they’ve refused over and over and you’re not getting… getting anywhere with it.

So my advice to you is to have a serious talk to them about why they are ref– they are not doing this thing. And not about one instance of it. Ask them why they aren’t doing it as part of your relationship, as part of your dynamic, as part of what you’ve agreed in terms of the D/s, um, style that you have with levels of obedience. And listen to the answers.

There may be a communication mismatch, which I’ve already talked about twice in this [amused, near laughing] podcast already, but the disobedience is much easier to tackle than the communication mismatch.

When you understand why, that informs what you do about it. And part of it, part of this process has to be that you talk to him about what your dynamic is about and ask him what it means to him to be in this BDSM, D/s relationship with you. Because… it sounds like you have a fundamental… incompatibility in how you see it. So you’re getting the feeling that he’s not prioritizing you, and I don’t think you’re wrong.

So, when you’re together: it’s full on, it’s awesome, it’s fun, it’s great. When you’re apart: he wants to not deal– not, that’s a harsh word to say, I was going to say not deal with you – and I don’t mean it to be that harsh. But he is considering his life as a separate entity, of which you are not really part, when you’re not together.

And while you can argue with him about that, the best way to approach it is to ask him questions to understand how he sees your relationship. To talk to him about… how it makes you feel when this happens. And then to agree together how you’re going to move forward. He has to want to fix it. If he doesn’t want to fix it, there’s nowhere to go. If he doesn’t want to fix it, then the only choice you have is to renegotiate the relationship and how it works – reset your expectations. Or, you… walk away from it?

And when I say renegotiate, maybe you reset your expectations: you say, “Right, okay, well… I need more than this, but this is what we have,” and maybe you’ll search for the “more than this” elsewhere. And that’s not a threat to him; that’s not, “Oooh, do this or I’m gonna do that.” It’s just you coming to terms with what your relationship is versus what you thought it was, or what you hoped it might be. Because you can’t make him do anything. He has to want to do it, and he has to be committed to doing it.

If you want more depth, I’m seriously spruiking my book, How to Handle Disobedience. It’s on Amazon, go grab it. I will walk you through it in there. [laughter] I will give you all the information. Go get it.

Good luck with it.

[29:52]

Hi Ferns,

I’m only just beginning my journey as an older guy. The kink has always been there, I just didn’t have the courage or opportunity to explore. So, while I identify as a switch, I am for some reason drawn to strong women. But so far all I’ve found are people that seem to want to humiliate and abuse men. I call them ball-busting feminists.

[pause]

This makes… uhh… [pained laughter] I’m going to have a sip of champagne and take a deep breath.

[lip smack]

[while exhaling] Ahhhh.

Okay, I just have to address that. When you find women who want to humiliate you or who want to abuse you, and you equate that with feminism, you need to rethink how you are defining feminism. Because that is a really bad take, and you need to cut it out.

So, stop calling them that! You can just say, “They are not the style I’m looking for,” and be done with it.

Because you say that out loud, and every woman who believes that feminism is about equal rights, and equal opportunities, and who fights the good fight, is going to tell you to fuck off! [laughter] So, cut it out… is my first piece of advice.

Okay, moving on.

I’m going to take another deep breath now. [deep inhalation and exhalation]

Okay.

I gave up thinking that’s all that a mistress was and that’s not what I was looking for. I found your writing to be enlightening and reinforced for me that there are other types of mistresses around that I might fit with. Although I suspect what I’m looking for (someone like yourself, I suspect) may be difficult to find. Since reading your work, I’ve decided to keep looking.

Calafrad.

Well let me say that I’m very glad that I’ve presented a more realistic view of, um, female dominance. Compared to what, to be fair, is a very loud and vocal and market-y subset of, um, shout-y, be mean, pay-piggy-type findoms that can be found very easily everywhere. And I have no problem with findom, actually, but I do know that the online sphere in a lot of places is dominated by the very ham-fisted, call-everybody-names-and-hope-that-somebody-thinks- that-that’s-sexy-and-gives-me-money type of findommery.

And I know quite a few findoms and they are fabulous, and they are ethical, and they do everything with consent of their submissives, and all that sort of good gravy. So I’m not talking about them, but I do know that findom marketing in a lot of spaces is out of control. And what you see, then, is immediate, out-of-the-gate, going, “You losers are all blah-blah-blah, whatever.”

So, I do get where you are coming from. And I am very glad that I’ve presented something that… reflects more what you are after. And I will add also that I am not a rare person here, that there are many of us. So, if you want to meet us – not me in particular, of course, because I don’t do this [laughter] – but if you want to meet some of us, um, I suggest you go to, uh, your local munch. And then at least you get to meet some real people out in the real world and you get a better sense of who BDSMers are.

And I think, even though I am not a community person, there is huge value, especially for those who have only ever been online, in going out to the community and seeing real people doing real things in… very positive, and consensual, and loving, and romantic, and sexy ways that is not what you see online often. The other thing I’d suggest for you is: join FetLife. And find some groups and find some people who’ve been in long-term, loving relationships and follow them and see what they have to say, because it will give you hope that there is such a thing.

Also – look at me spruiking my books again – my Happy Femdom Stories are that. They are exactly that, to show that people can have happy, healthy, loving relationships, um, with an F/m slant. So Happy Femdom stories, go take a look.

[Happy Femdom Stories Volumes 1 and 2 on Amazon.com]

[35:16]

Hi Ferns,

Or would you prefer Sharyn?

Oh, well, thank you for asking. Actually, for people I don’t know, I prefer Ferns. It feels like me out in the world. So that’s good. Well, and also because I go by that name everywhere, so it is my name.

Um…

I am new to the BDSM journey and exploring if truly I am submissive or not. I have received contact from “mistresses” online –

Mistresses in double quotes

– online, who seem to want me to be their sub. Okay. But they either want a tribute first before meeting, or want me to join some website or other. I did agree a couple of times to pay. They are ever-so-busy and have [laughter] have so many would-be subs they must find out who is genuine this way it seems. Of course I was ripped off: no-show. Thing is, they contacted me. It seems there’s an awful lot of fake dommes that are only interested in abusing would be subs. So now I think maybe that’s all it is, just a game to see how much fun can be had at some poor guy’s expense. What say you about this?

Oh! [laughter]

This is Calafrad again. So this explains your experience. And my advice stands: get out from behind your keyboard. And don’t give money to anybody, don’t join any sites… and I would also add that what you’re striking is not mistresses, whether you put them in quotes or not; what you’re striking are scammers. These are well-known scams where they contact you, because you are new and naive, and they promise all sorts of things and then they either get you to buy something, they get you to pay for something, they get you to join a site, they get you to go to Yahoo, they get you do all sorts of stuff, and it will never end well.

Do not give money to [drawn out] any-body online.

Unless you, like, know them in some way and trust them.

So, yeah. Stop doing that. [laughter] Stop doing that.

[mock yell] Stop doing that!

Anybody else listening to this, if you’re doing it: Stop doing it! [laugh]

You’re welcome.

[37:41]

Dearest Ferns

Okay, I’m taking a sip of champagne. I, I keep pausing it to do that but, look, you should share in this experience with me, right?

[faint fluid and swallowing sounds]

[satisfied tone] Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Dearest Ferns,

I’m a young male sub, slash, bottom. A while back, in a previous podcast, you responded to a question of mine regarding an experience at a play party when a Domme pinned me down by sitting on my chest for a long time. I appreciated your insights into what was a rather confusing experience.

I’ve continued attending these events, and things have gotten more intense for me over the past few months. I’ve even attracted the attention of a few other dommes in attendance who have been doing the same thing to me. I will inevitably, at some point, find myself pinned on the floor with one of them sitting astride my chest, with my arms under her shins or held tightly between her thighs and my sides, while I get taunted, demeaned and abused. I feel like I should be thrilled by this, but it’s stirring mixed feelings in me. I find this hugely arousing, but it can also be intense and scary. I can’t help but feel I’m being used and taken advantage of for the purpose of humiliation. Which I guess is the idea.

Umm. I have a vague recollection of your original question, and I just went and looked for it and I couldn’t find it to see exactly what the context was and what I said about it. But I– obviously you’re confused by what you’re feeling. And my advice to you is to take a step back. Because it sounds like you are sitting on the edge of having a very bad experience and not knowing how to deal with it.

So I get that in the moment you’re getting this attention, you’re getting this kink that you are really quite into, that it’s hot and you enjoy it – for a whole bunch of reasons – but the other side of that is… in danger or becoming the primary thing, where you feel bad about it, where you feel… as if it’s not good or healthy, or positive in a larger sense for you. And I think that’s a very valid thing, and I think it’s not uncommon. And I think if this thing escalates, there is a chance that you’re going to accidentally step beyond what you are capable of dealing with.

So, I don’t know what relationships you have with these dominant women who are doing this to you, but it sounds like there is some kind of implicit idea that you are okay with it. And you are not telling them that you are not okay with it, and therefore you’re falling into a kind of, um, pooled-play-toy situation, where it is becoming more acceptable that this is what you like and they can just do that. And you have not, I assume, because I assume they’re not arseholes, you have not objected. But these internal feelings have started to bubble up.

So here’s, here’s my suggestion for you: You must have built some kind of relationship, at least with the first dominant, even if it’s only at play events that you know them, you recognize each other, you’re pleasant with each other and like each other, that this keeps happening with her, the first one. I would suggest that you have a chat to her; um, either email her or, if you see her outside of those events, have a chat then, but tell her about this: that your– these feelings are coming up and you’re getting a little bit confused and a little bit concerned that it’s going to go bad, I guess. Or not turn out well, because it has expanded from what was initially a one-off that you enjoyed.

And if you can then negotiate with her what is acceptable to you, and what you think you can deal with. And also talk to her about aftercare, because it sounds to me like you’ve sort of fallen into these little experiences without full on discussing any of this. I could be wrong, but I’m getting that impression. And if you contact her and say, “Look, I’ve loved this thing with you and I would love to do more of it, but I’m finding that I’m a bit conflicted about how it’s growing and I’m losing, sort of, a feeling of control over it. And what I would like” – and you have to figure out what you would like, and it might be something like, “What I would like is at events I would really only like you to do it, I would really appreciate it if you could maybe stand in a little bit for me because I don’t feel like I can say no easily and that maybe I’d like a little bit of aftercare, which would look like this,” you know, whether it’s just that you kneel by her feet afterwards to feel better and get some pats, whether you want, you know, her to go with you to get some… drinks, or a drink of water or something, whether you want to provide a little bit of service to extend a little bit of that feeling of connection.

Have a think about what you think would work for you, and maybe you could even say to her, “I’m not sure what would work for me, but I’m just feeling on the edge of not being comfortable with how this is playing out in general and would like to continue doing this with you in a way that works, because it’s a lot of fun, I’m just a little bit scared.” And, honestly, I think if you’ve had this experience with this, um, dominant woman a few times, she’s going to be open to that. Because she obviously enjoys it and enjoys you. Otherwise she wouldn’t keep doing it. And… I don’t think she should be tooooo, you know, surprised or terrified that you’re kind of asking her for a little bit more.

I would suggest you do that, because the chances that you’re going to go down some rabbit hole where you will come out and feel terrible, it sounds like that might happen and that would be a general badness. So, yeah, get a little bit of support. And if you have friends that are not involved with this – this might be easier for you if you have friends now in the scene, or who go to events – you can maybe ask them for a little bit of support. Say, “Look, I just want to curtail this a little bit. I’m a bit uncomfortable with what’s going on, can you help me?” And lean on them a little bit. So, yeah. I think you need to act on these feelings now before it becomes something not good.

And then that also frees you up to have more fun with it, right? Because you will feel safer. So, yeah, look after yourself is my advice. And have a think about how you can best do that.

[45:40]

Hi Ferns,

I hope this finds you well!

It does, thank you.

Your blog and podcast are such an amazing contribution. You are so insightful and your attitude is so sweet and [with slight laugh] soulful. Thank you for sharing all that.

What a lovely thing to say, thank you.

I know blogging and podcasting takes a lot of time and energy – which are just about the most precious things of all. So, thank you very much for that, too.

You are sooo welcome! I love when people say nice things to me, thank you.

I do have a question that I hope you will answer:

On a recent show you talked about the limits a domme might encounter in dating a vanilla man, and you discussed how a vanilla man in love can often express his love in a way that might look like submission, but that a hard line might emerge when things become unfair.[laughing] That insight gave me chills as ‘unfair’ sounds wonderful to me. I’m lucky enough to have recently starting dating a vanilla woman, through OKCupid, who appears to be genuinely interested in taking up a dominant and leading role in our emerging relationship. In fact, that is now the formal basis for our relationship.

Well, there you go. Congratulations to you.

I’m crossing my fingers that one day I might be able to submit a [excited tone] happy femdom story.

I would love that sooo much! Yes.

But, for now, [laugh] my question is: are there noteworthy limits or others issues in a femdom relationship when it is the woman who is coming to the relationship from a vanilla orientation?

Thank you for your attention here.

subboyjoy

[laugh]

Well, subboyjoy, that is a lovely, lovely email on many fronts. And, yes, I have thoughts and ideas for you.

I think, um, when– I think, actually, I’m going to say this first: of all the… the mixes of, um, orientations in D/s, I think bringing a vanilla woman to dominance as a submissive man is the hardest one, to be honest. And there are a whole number of reasons for that. For example, as a… as a dominant woman, it’s a lot easier for me to bring in a man and get some of my dominance needs kind of met there. Because I can lead and he follows, and it’s not hard… for a lot of that stuff. When you are a submissive man and you have a vanilla woman who is trying out her dominance it’s a lot harder – not just because you can’t lead her, but because… you’re introducing her to something new and then you want her to lead. And that is a tricky position to put someone in. And it can be very daunting.

So. You asked about, um, noteworthy limits or other issues. There are a few, yes. One is that women in general often feel very guilty about unfairness. And, if you want this to flourish, she may (and she may not, I don’t know), but she may want and need a lot of reassurance and not realise that she needs it. And by that I mean that when she has behaved in ways that are, in a vanilla sense, considered very selfish or “not nice” – I’m putting that in inverted commas, “not nice” – or putting her, or has put her needs first… even if you happily do it, she may feel some guilt about how it’s unfair. And I suggest that you take every opportunity to thank her for allowing you to do whatever.

So if she’s kind of mean, or dismissive, or… some other behavior that you really enjoy, then thank her for doing that in various ways. And it might not be an out loud thank you for doing that, it might be, “I’m so pleased that I could serve you this way,” or… some other way of showing your appreciation for her exercising her dominance. Because when– and it’s not just vanilla women, it’s new dominants also – when they are exercising their dominance in various way, what they’re doing is testing the ground. And, in that test, it’s not enough that you do what she has asked. You need to show that you appreciate her for giving you that gift.

So, the gift of her dominance is something that you need to show appreciation for in whatever ways work for her. And that can help to dampen down that feeling she might get that this is not right, it’s not fair, it’s– he can’t really like this, I feel bad for doing it, that sort of thing.

So that’s the number one thing.

The second thing, which, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on how you are and how this is playing out, but the second thing is to not– to be supportive without dictating how to do stuff. So… if she’s learning, I would suggest you point her to my non-fiction book list on my blog. If you haven’t seen it, it’s there in the menu; and have a look through some of those books to see what might help her. Because… you supporting her can often feel like you saying, “What you’re doing is not good enough.” And a third resource, like an objective resource, may be very helpful in that.

So have a look there and see if there’s anything there that you think might help. I recommend Uniquely Rika to a lot of new dominant women. And her style is really not my style, but that’s not the point. The point of me recommending that book is that it is one of the few that is a genuine portrayal of dominance from a female perspective. Whereas a lot of the others that are very well known and very well touted are either male dom books, or they are… the equivalent of ‘how to please your man’, where they are pretending it’s not. Very frustrating. So, they essentially have a “how to be sexy so your man will do what you want” and they call that dominance. And that is very [laughing] frustrating to me.

Arousal-based dominance and submission is totally a thing, but when you want a woman to recognize her power, telling her that she has to dress up and be sexy in order to get what she wants is not a powerful position to put her in. Women who want to play with that, that’s awesome. Men who love that, and there are many, that’s awesome too. But for new dominant women, and for vanilla dominant women exploring their power, that is not a powerful position to put them in. That is a Co– eighty– that is a ‘1980s Cosmo sealed-section of how-to-please-your-man’ position to put them in. [laughter]

So, um, I have in the, um [fingers drum]… in my book list I have a link to Uniquely Rika and you can pick that up and try that out. Her style – and don’t, like, obviously you’re not going to say, “This is how you should do it,” but if you haven’t read it, you might want to read it first… and as I said it’s not my style, but it is, it is a genuine women from a position of power looking at relationships and, and how to set expectations for your submissive and have him live up to those expectations and how to measure the success of the relationship from the dominant’s perspective, as opposed to from the submissive’s.

And what I mean by that is that, if it’s from the submissive’s, it is: “Is the submissive turned on? Is he having fun? Is he happy?”

Whereas, form the dominant’s perspective, it’s, “Is she happy? Is she getting what she wants? Is he performing to her specifications?” And they are very different paradigms, and that’s one of the few books that explores that.

I really hope it goes well for you. And I do hope you have a happy femdom story for me one day.

[54:44]

Oh. [laughter] This is from subboyjoy. A second one. Hello, again.

P.S. Do you happen to be fan of the old sci-fi television show Farscape, an Australian production? It was from that show that I first learned about the [laughter] American accent. The lead character is an American astronaut, who is drawn into a black hole and ends up stuck [slight laugh] on the other side of the universe. The American was played by an Australian actor who, of course, speaks perfect unaccented English and thus had to adopt an accent just to be believable.

I do not know that show, but now I’m very curious. So I will have to go look that up. No, I’m not a fan. I don’t even really like sci-fi, but I’m curious now.

P.P.S. In a recent show you mentioned that readers are surprised that you are still single and assume it must be “because nobody likes me.” [laughter] I strongly suspect that everyone is surprised that you are still single for exactly the opposite reason. You are obviously so awesome that just about anyone with any common sense would like you upon meeting you, giving you a leg up in that crazy task of finding a match.

Well I appreciate that vote of confidence. [laughter] Some people like me, some people do not like me, just like anybody else.

But for me, I never like anybody and that’s the problem. [laughter]

P.P.P.S. Do you happen to know the ratio of the letters you receive that invoke ratios?

[hard laughing, also clapping] Applause, applause. [one more round of clapping]

Thank you again for your podcast and blog. Wishing you the best of luck on the road ahead.

– subboyjoy

I’d say the ratio of the letters I receive that invoke the ratios is a ratio that is as unrealistic as every other ratio that I get. [laughter]

[56:53]

From the books on your list, what would you recommend to an absolute beginner who is curious about domming and wants to learn more about it? And are there other resources for a newbie to check out? I’ll try and give your podcast a listen, although I’m not that into it. A few points [slight laugh] sounded interesting. And then a love heart. [<3]

Yes, as I said previously – I seem to be repeating myself, I’m getting questions that are, you know, along the same lines here – um, Uniquely Rika is the one I recommend the most because of that very much, um, dominant-focused perspective of it. Which many other books are not.

But, if you look at my non-fiction book list on my blog, it has summaries from people I respect that actually say, quite honestly, um, for example, “This is a book about fantasy,” or, “This is a manual for people who just want to play,” or whatever. So if you have a look through those and there’s– it’s very extensive and it has summaries of all of them – you might find something that interests you more.

So go and have a look and see if you can find anything that you like.

[58:09]

I’ve seen you mention several times submissive men who try to help by giving their domme advice, but end up over-crowding a domme and killing her confidence. Can you expand on this? I think this relates to my relationship’s issues. I’m a domme and my male sub constantly criticizes me for not being active/coming up with stuff on my own and only being able to lead if he supports me. When I try to lead into ideas that I’d like, he says he doesn’t enjoy them or he’s not having fun. It’s hard to keep trying or feel in control when you get shut down and are told you’re not trying enough.

[inhaling while making pained “ooouuuhhh” sounds]

I want to strangle that guy! [laughter]

Obviously I have mentioned this before and I hope you know that you are not alone and that it’s not you. This is sooo fucking common and it [exaggerated strained angry tone] soooooo pisses me off. [/tone]

So here’s the thing that a lot of submissive men do. And some, I’d like to be fair, some may not realise they’re doing it. But some absolutely realise they’re doing it. So they say they want a dominant woman, and… they find someone – and some of them do this on purpose, I have to say, they find newbies particularly – and a lot of the not nice ones think they can mold the dominant into their fantasy domme by criticizing them when they do anything that doesn’t fall right into that sweet spot for them. So what they– they don’t want a dominant woman, what they want is a fetish delivery system. And they want her to behave in the ways that turn them on, and only in those ways. And to do it exactly how they want. They’re not submissives, they’re fetishists, or bottoms, and it is totally unfair.

There may be some of those, if I’m being kind, who do not realise that they’re not submissive. But they still have a very strong idea of what dominance is, and the reason that they, they, um, end up with new dominants is that experienced dominants will tell them to fuck off. New dominants have not learnt that yet. [laughter]

So they meet someone they like, and he says he’s submissive, and he behaves in ways that might be submissive, and – trust me, I did this when I was new as well – and then the submissive goes on about their submission by telling their dominant exactly how to be dominant to them. And they behave exactly like this guy behaves. It’s like, “Well I want you to take the lead. No, not like that! Like this. Why won’t you take the lead? Like, why won’t you act dominant? No, no, no, no – you’re doing it wrong, you’re doing it wrong. I want you to do it like that, you’ve got to do it like this.”

And those two positions, where they say, “I want you to be dominant in the ways you like,” and, “No, not like that,” are one-hundred percent incompatible.

So then, you’re in the position that you’re in, where there’s no winning here. There is nowhere to go from here. So he is going to be unhappy either way and you need to Dump That Motherfucker Already. And I know that sounds harsh. So, let me [laughter] give you another option.

The first option: [whispering encouragingly] Dump That Motherfucker Already. [laughter]

If I say it in a million different ways, then maybe I’ll hypnotize you into it. [laughter]

And I should– I shouldn’t be making fun. I know you’re in a difficult position and I know that you want to fix it. So I am going to help you, honest, I promise.

So, here’s what you do: You sit down all by yourself and you make yourself comfortable and you have a glass of wine and you decide what you want this relationship to look like. And you write down a day in the life with your submissive. How do you behave? What do you want from him? How does he behave? How does it make you feel?

And it’s got to be realistic. So you work, you have family, you’re a student, whatever – all those real-life things have to be incorporated into this vision of what a day in the life looks like. Make it a Saturday, you’ve got the day off from whatever. Then look at what a week looks like, and then what a month, and what a year. What this relationship looks like. And I, I seriously mean this. Don’t just imagine it vaguely in your head, sit down and write it down.

When you have a clear idea of how you want this to look – including play stuff, including the fun stuff – then you go to him and you say, “Right, this is not working. Like what we’re doing here is not working. This is what I want. This is my vision of our relationship, this is how I want it to play out, this is how I want you to behave, these are the things that I want, this is how I want it to look, this is how I want it to develop over the next few months.”

And when you have done that, you say to him, “Is this what you want also? Does this appeal to you? Is this the kind of relationship you’re looking for?”

And if he says, “Well, no, because I want you to do x, y, and zed,” then you have a definitive answer as to whether or not you are compatible.

And here’s the thing: I have a big, big, big, [fast and accelerating] big, big, big, big, big [/fast] issue with how women (not just dominant women, but women) are… brought up to be nice, and to be giving, and to be caring and… and that’s how we are socialized in traditional Western society. And then we come into BDSM and, as dominants, we’re told a million ways to care for our sub, and to be concerned about their welfare, and make sure they’re happy, and make sure that everything’s good with them, and all that sort of stuff.

And the first part, I’m… you know, we’re fighting that shit. The second part is absolutely necessary and valuable, but what can happen for dominant women when they get all of this input is that they want to put their submissive first and they subvert their own desires or don’t explore their own desires because they’re sooo busy being – and I want to put this in quotes – “a good domme.” And when they think of “a good domme”, what they end up coming up with is ‘my submissive’s needs and wants always come first, and mine are not, you know, mine are secondary. Because I’m looking after him, I want to be a good domme, I want him to be happy, I want to look after him’.

And what they forget to do is to figure out what they want. So when I say sit down and think about this, you may not have all the answers, and that’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers. You may have something that’s more akin to, “I want you to be obedient to me. When I ask for something I want you to do it.” Or, “I want anticipatory service. I want you to learn that when I sit down on the couch, I always like to have a glass of water and I always want that glass of water to be full. So, if you see that, you fill that glass.” So it may be small things like that. The other thing is [laughter], the basic thing from what you’ve said is, “When I want to do a thing, I want you to step up, and I want you to be enthusiastic about it, and I want you to do your best. And… there is a level at which you suck it up. Not everything is for you. Some of these things, you know, are for me, because I enjoy them. And I expect you to step up, and I expect you to do them with enthusiasm and verve and to please me, because that’s what I want in this relationship.”

And of course there’s a whole bunch of detail there, and there’s consent issues, and there’s limits, and there’s boundaries. But, as a dominant woman, if there’s no part of your relationship in which you can say, “These are the things I want and I expect you to deliver,” then [laughingly] that is not a relationship worth having. And I’ve got to say that. It’s not a relationship worth having in a vanilla realm, it’s not a relationship worth having in the D/s realm. And it’s not D/s, there is no submission there. It’s just he wants you to behave in certain ways, and you’re not doing it, and he’s not happy. And that is in no way any form of dominance on your part or submission on his part.

So, yeah. Rant, rant, rave, rave, blah, blah… figure out what you want, present it to him, and ask him if he’s on board with that. And if he says no, you have your answer for this relationship.

This versus you fighting day in and day out to get your needs met, because that is a no-win situation for you. And it will go on as long as you let it go on.

[whispering hypnotically] Dump The Motherfucker Already. [soft laughter]

I really, really hope you sort it out. And I wish you so much good luck with it. And I know it’s hard, and I know I’m presenting it as if it’s easy, and I know it’s not easy. So I really, really hope that you will… have a think about it, and stand up for the things that you want. And, at a very minimum, it’s that he submits. [tongue click]

[1:09:01]

Alright, moving on.

My goodness, okay. I always think I don’t have enough questions for a full– [laughter] every single time [in tone mocking past Ferns] “I don’t have enough questions for a podcast.” [/tone] And here we are at one minute [hour???], twelve [sic] and I’m still not finished. I’m still not sure where the end of this is. [slight laugh] It’s never going to end.

Welcome to infinity, people.

Here’s the thing:

Do you think that you would be interested in joining a personals web– a personals website dedicated solely to introducing dominant women to submissive males if it did cost a monthly or yearly fee, but there was a great deal of vetting done on each member? How much that might be a month or year, or how much such an enterprise could do to truly vet individuals, or how we would go about doing that is still vague. But I’m beginning to think that the people we would want to join such a site would be the ones willing to sign up and pay a membership fee.

What do you think? Is taking on CollarSpace and Alt.com an interesting idea?

Thanks!

Scott

Nobody’s going to pay for that. That’s, that’s the bottom line.

Though– the main issue with any new sites, um, to rival, um, Collarspace is getting people on board. And even free sites can’t get people on board. And there is an issue there, it’s a cyclical issue. That historically– like Collarspace has still got a huge membership, which is the only reason I still talk about it. If you want to search on my blog for a post called, Are you on Collarspace, I talk about how it’s on its way out now, and it’s in very, very bad shape, but it is still the biggest kink dating site in the world. Much as I hate to say that, it’s true. And the biggest issue with any new… um, kinky dating site is getting the numbers to make it work. And you will never do that if you make people pay or if you vet people. I think if you are going to go this route you would be much better off doing a private match-making service.

And, even then, the marketing you would have to do to get people on it is unfathomable. Because you have to have proof that your service works. So, yeah. I think that is a… an insurmountable challenge for you. Would I join it? No. Because when I join it, I know that you’re going to have no Australians on it, [laughter] much less vetted Australians. [more laughter] Um, so I would not be interested, to be honest.

I do think there’s an idea in there that has value, but I do think that less than the concept, you need to think about how you are going to sell it to people in order to onboard enough people to make it worth anyone’s while. And that is very, very, very difficult.

[1:12:11]

Dear Ferns,

I am new to the BDSM adventure, but an older guy, so some lessons may be a little more challenging. That said, I’ve had a number of female dommes. Not really sure about the difference dom or domme?

Honestly, there’s no difference. Um, traditionally D-O-double-M-E has been a, an online affectation that makes it easy to distinguish a male dom from female domme. But, out in the world, D-O-M, dom, is… gender neutral. So, theoretically, it’s not necessary at all, unless, for some reason – for example, Domme (D-O-double-M-E) Chronicles, my blog – unless for some reason you want to explicitly say, upfront, “I am a woman.” ‘Cause if I had D-O-M-chronicles, there’s no way for anyone to know that it’s a woman writing it. And that actually is relevant and important.

So they want a tribute to be paid before we met. They say they are busy and there’s a lot of subs around and they don’t want time wasters. Okay, I can sort of get that, and I’m not reluctant with a dollar. But if I say, “Fine, I’ll pay it when we meet,” they aren’t interested. Or if I say let’s chat a little first, they don’t want to. My gut says they’re fakes. What say you? Fakes? Or are there so many willing subs this is how it is?

[in tone of dawning recognition] Wait… Oh my god, is this the same…?

It’s from Cakafrad, which is [gravelly, suspicious voice] very, very [/voice] similar to the previous emails [laughter] that talked about the same thing. I mean, how many ways do you need to ask this question?

They’re scammers. Don’t give anyone any money. There, done.

[1:14:00]

Hey Ferns,

Love your work and your soothing, yet assertive voice! You’re a real winner. [laughter] Smiley face.

Thank you very much, I appreciate that.

So hey, what I’d like to ask and possibly get some insight on is what to do if I feel extremely attracted to my damn sub? He’s someone who loves a Domme who is mean, mean, MEEAAANNN – that last one in capitals – an absolute barbaric psycho who tears him to shreds. I’m usually okay with this but, with him, I feel as though I want to be more sensual. I crave romance with him whenever we’re conversing. He’s just beautiful, inside and out. Google searches supply me with absolutely nothing except for the opposite: subs falling for their doms.

Any advice?

Thanks for all that you do. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

J

Thank you, J.

[inhalation, followed by exhaled “Ahhh”] Your experience is not uncommon. And I think especially, I think, for those who come to femdom from pure play. Whereas I come to femdom from a relationship perspective.

There’s two things here. One is: What are you doing with him? [laughter]

And I say that, I don’t mean, I don’t mean [angry disbelief tone] “What are you doing with him?!” [/tone] I mean, what is this relationship? What are you doing with him? Is it online only? Is it play only? Is it– where does it come from? Where is it going? What is your understanding? And is your understanding and his understanding of what’s going on the same?

Because if you come into, for example, an online role-play relationship and you’re both doing this particular thing… and one of you catches feelings, like you have, then that is kind of outside the spoken or unspoken agreement of what this is.

If you’ve got a dating relationship where you meet up and you just play, same thing. So I, I have no context for this relationship you have. So that’s my first question. What is both of your understanding of what’s going on here.

The second thing is: Catching feelings in spaces where you thought you would not, or expected you would not, or even if you agreed you would not, is not uncommon. And I think– I think that you’re right, that it’s mostly about, “Oooh, subs fall in love and the domme’s a cold bitch.” But it happens just as much the other way. It’s just that most people don’t want to talk about it, because if they’re in these spaces where they role play, they don’t want to be seen as vulnerable, or as falling in love with their subs, or any of that lovely good stuff. But absolutely it happens.

Three: [laughter] My advice to you is to have a talk to him about what he wants here. Because if you have a defined relationship that is a role-play relationship where you’re mean, and he is the one you’re being mean to, and that’s it… and now you have these feelings and you want to act on them, but he just wants you being the meanie, meanie, meanie pants, there’s nowhere to take that. If – and I hope, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you – if you have that talk with him and he says, “Look, I really like you and I would love to explore this further, but I also really love the meanie, meanie, meanie pants,” then you have somewhere to go from there.

So, let’s pretend – because I’ve got my fingers crossed it must be something that will eventuate – you have that talk and he says, “Yes. Look, I really like you and I would be interested in exploring this further,” what you can do is just reframe how that works in your head. And in his head. So, there are a lot of people who do a lot of very mean things to, and with, their submissive – and then they go and cuddle on the couch, and eat ice cream, and watch Netflix, and kiss, and pat each other. And it’s gorgeous. And there is no issue with anybody doing that, people will do that all the time.

And what it takes is a, a mind shift. Where you think you’re being mean to him and, actually, what you’re doing is doing him a fucking favor. [laugh] So what you’re doing when you’re being mean to him is play. It is– It’s like playing sexy kitten, or any other sex games. Where you’re doing things for fun, and arousal, and sexy times. But then you are still you outside of that, and you can still be a couple, and you can still deal with practical things, and be romantic, and sweet, and lovely, and all that sort of stuff.

And that’s how most relationships work. If you have this desire for degradation, or humiliation, or really strong beatings, or any sort of S&M-type stuff, you just have to reframe it to say to yourself, and internalize, that you’re not being mean to him, what you’re doing is doing something that is mutually pleasurable. And in that way you can both do the very mean things and also do the very sweet things. And there is no conflict between those, they’re just two different aspects of your relationship.

So, yeah, the first thing is to have a chat with him about what he thinks is going on and what he wants versus what you want. And… if he says, “Well, I’m not interested in that,” then you need to really decide whether just playing that role with him is going to be satisfying for you in the longer term.

Good luck, I hope it goes well with you.

[1:20:52]

Oh my goodness, this is a looong podcast. You’re welcome. I’m not finished yet, I’ve still got another one. At least one. I haven’t looked ahead to see how many there are still [laughter] to go. But if you’re still with me, hi.

Okay.

I am a 60-plus-year-old wife of a husband who is an alpha-type male, but has submissive desires or fetish. We experimented early in our marriage, 13 years ago, with a wife-led domestic discipline marriage. It really worked well with some of his bad habits and attitudes. But I lost interest in that component of our marriage.

I recently read an article how a wife-led domestic discipline and domination could spice up an elderly couple’s life. I have experienced painful intercourse due to dryness. I thought about putting my husband in chastity devices to extend our foreplay and to take control of his orgasms. I know he [with slight laugh] masturbates. Further, I plan on using the techniques of ruined or embarrassing full orgasms, hoping it will condition him to understand sex doesn’t always have to end up with intercourse. We do have intimate nonsexual moments, but I need more.

As for his attitude and behavior, I’ve told him he doesn’t know what I’m really capable of. I think when I spank him next I’ll restrain him and take him well past his limits just to set the tone. Also, I’m throwing out all of his underwear and taking him out to buy panties. After we get home he’ll be informed of my new rules of behavior and will start a 90-day training using the three cornerstones of female-led marriage: discipline, domestication in panties, dominant sexuality with ruined and embarrassing orgasms, butt plugs and strap-on.

What is [laughing] your opinion on all of that.

Okay, look, I’m going to be honest: I don’t think you’re the wife writing this. [laughter] I think– kinda think you’re the husband. I dunno. I, I hate to make a, a generalization, I hate to get that wrong. But it does sound a bit fantasy led. Let me tell you this, if you are the wife and you want this: Don’t just spring this stuff on your husband. Don’t. Just don’t.

You sit down with him and you say, “Here is what I would like to do. What do you think?” And if he’s into it, then awesome. You go and do all that stuff and you have fun with it. And if he’s not, then you negotiate what you want versus what he’s willing to do, and you go from there.

And trust me, if this is a real email, and this is what you are planning to do, it is going to not go well if he just goes, “What are you doing, woman?” [laughter]

Because none of this is – the way that you’ve presented it – is being done with his consent or his enthusiasm. And for it to work the way that you want, you need both. So do that first, and then you get on with your bad self. And have fun with it. And I hope it is awesome for both of you.

[1:24:23]

[surprised intake of breath]

Ahh. And I just, I just mentioned how long this is, and I’ve just gotten to the end.

[sigh of relief]

That was a long one, wasn’t it? Thank you so much for sticking with me. If you would like to ask me a question, you can go to my blog and you will find an Ask Me page there. It’s completely anonymous, so I will not know who you are – unless you give me all your details. [laugh]

And I’m going to take this opportunity to, again, spruik my new book, which is How to Handle Disobedience: for Dominant Women. And also mention my last book, which is How to Make Your First BDSM Scene Amazing also for dominant women. So if you are new, or you’re struggling a little bit with either of those two things, go and take a look. They are practical, actionable guides with clear steps to help you along your way, to give you some solid footing so that you can go from there to find your own style.

I appreciate your listening and I will speak to you next time. Bye for now.

[Outro music]

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4 Comments

  1. You always have such amazing podcasts. Not that I am surprised at all because you are amazing. But listening to your podcasts I go through so many things ranging anywhere from “oh she whispered, hissed through her teeth, etc” to laughing my ass off or making me really think. I love it when you make me step back and think. Your wisdom always leaves me in awe.

    Of course, the whole vanilla dominant/submissive has me thinking even more now!

    Thank you for another wonderful contribution!

  2. Unless a potential partner is nothing more than fetish, actually wanting to meet someone is a combination of hope, friendship, and ambition.

    It’s not a graph of being Jabba The Hut and wanting to consume Han Solo.

    (Best guess at a metaphor that might get across – will be hated for it regardless)

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