This podcast Q&A includes the following:
- New books out soon! ‘Happy Femdom Stories Vol 2‘ & ‘Rage: A Femdom Story‘
- Using me as a hookup service (pro-tip: Don’t)
- New Domme: Halp!
- Submissive man introducing vanilla partner
- Can a Domme be an extrovert?
- Kneeling and knee strain
- When he wants more (and more and more…)
- Heathen chocolate?
- Cock sucking sub: yay or nay?
- Lesbian sub trying to find a Domme
- And more!
The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
Full transcript after the jump…
[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]
Hello dear listener, and welcome to my podcast number… one hundred and three. I wanted to start just by giving you a little update on things that are going on with me. I’ve just written a blog post in which I said I might be doing this podcast this afternoon. Well, here I am. I have my champagne, just going to clink it on the microphone see what that sounds like.
Cheers! Um, and I have a bunch of questions, but for those people who listen to my podcast and do not read my blog, shame on you! It’s at www.domme – D-O-double-M-E – dash Chronicles dot com (www.domme-chronicles.com).
On my blog I spoke about some writing I’ve been doing recently and I just want to mention it here also because there are two books coming out before Christmas. The first is Volume Two of my Happy Femdom Stories. If you haven’t seen Volume One, it is a happy-making set of stories from real-life people in real-life female-dominant/male-submissive type relationships where they tell the story of how they found each other and how they built their relationship and how they got to this happy place with each other. And they are a complete delight! So the last volume had 25 stories from people, they had all been shared on my blog and I compiled them into a book after the fact.
This set will [iffy tone] maybe have twenty-five, I’m still chasing up a few people who I know are happy people in their relationship and I really want their stories. I’m looking at around twenty-five right now and I’m hoping to get that out by the very beginning of November. I’ve been saying the end of October, but that’s a couple of days, so it might be a little later than that. And they are going to be the best little snippet of goodness to give you hope and delight in a time when maybe you need it. Maybe we all need it. So, that’s going to be out, floating out there very soon.
The other thing I’ve been writing which NOT that [laughing], for which… I’ve been tweeting about it and I’ve been talking about it, I’m currently at a stage where I have written about 10,000 words – over 10,000 words – of what I’m calling ‘rage porn’. I haven’t looked that up, I’m sure it must be a term, I’m sure I didn’t make that up. But essentially I’ve been feeling very angry and… just savage about what is going on with the world at the moment and all the hate in it and… I’m not even American and, honestly, the American president at the moment is… just the worst. He’s the worst. He’s a malignant narcissist and he is so powerful and everything he does makes me despair a little more and it’s made me so angry and… I’ve been channeling that rage.
I started to write a fiction story and it is like nothing I’ve ever written before. It is super angry… [laughing]… terribleness. And it’s not sexy. Um, though, I imagine some people might think it is. But it’s a very… savage, angry book of non-consensual, brutal ugliness. And it’s alienating I think for my normal readers, and it is going to be a complete departure from anything I’ve ever written or put out there before. I’m a little bit nervous about it, but I’m going to do it anyway because it’s been so helpful to write. And maybe it will be helpful to read? Or at least entertaining. And I know there are some people out there who are going to find it… hot to read. [slight laugh] But, honestly, it’s the kind of fantasy rage that a lot of us have felt, writ large. So I’m going to have that out before the end of November is where I’m aiming for. So, I’ve got about 10,000 words it’s going to be kind of a short story. Um, I think novellas have to be about 30,000 words, and I’m not doing that. So I’m not aiming for a word count, I’m just aiming for to get this story out because it’s cathartic and… it makes me feel better.
So that’s going to be available soon, and it’s called Rage: A Femdom Story. I actually think I’m going to get a lot of haters out of it if I’m honest. I think I will get… um, Trump supporters who are going to get mad at me about it, I think [laugh]… I think there are going to be some very reasonable BDSMers who are going to be mad at me about it because it’s so not okay, any of it. And, um, I think there are going to be some people who are used to the kind of content I put out who are also going to be mad about it… so I’m not [laughing] quite sure how that’s going to go. But we’ll see, shall we?
If you want to, um, hear when these books are out and – certainly for ‘Rage’ there will be an introductory discount offer when I first put it out – you can join my mailing list and that’s on my blog. I’m not going to try and give you the link over audio, but you can go and look at my blog and there’s, um, right at the top there are links where you can join my mailing list and I will let you know. You’ll be the first to see the cover reveal, actually. On my mailing list. And you’ll get a notification when the book is out.
Right. [slight exhale] So, that’s not what we’re here for, me blathering on without any care or concern about questions people have sent me. But we have a few since it’s been a while since I done one of these. As always. If you’ve been, um, listening to my podcast ever you will know that I’m utterly unpredictable and unreliable with when I do these. So welcome to it! And it always make me laugh because there are some people who ask me urgent questions even though I say everywhere, “Please don’t do that” because it’s now been like… [laughing] three months. [still laughing] And if you haven’t sorted out your urgent problem by now, then… things have probably gone horribly wrong for you and I’m sorry about that.
Okay, here’s the first one:
I am a white male, late 50s, blue eyes, 6 foot, 240 pounds, with interest suddenly in many areas of submission. Have considered myself dominant for years, but have found I enjoy facesitting.
Ugh. I’m sorry, I just made an ick face.
Love the taste of a clean, wet woman… Exclamation, exclamation, exclamation.
I’m sorry, but that’s – I didn’t need to know that. [deep sigh]
…pegging and female attire lately.
If you are near Atlanta or could refer me to a top female whose interests are in any of these areas, I would LOVE to chat further.
Have a happy day and thank you for your time.
I am not… a hookup service, [switching to high-pitched tone] so… [short, higher tone] NOPE! [laughter]
Look, if you want to find a partner of some kind, or you just want to explore your fetishes, don’t contact me asking me to refer you. Like, even if I had, 200 close friends in Atlanta, why would I go, “Hey, here’s a strange dude who wants to do some facesitting. How ‘bout it, ladies?” At them. I wouldn’t! So, [also in higher tone] nope!
You’re welcome. [laugh]
Um, next one:
I love to read you. I love your ideas. It makes me want to kiss your hand. To kneel.
[laughter] That was not… “To Neil,” a man’s name. He wants to kneel. In case that was unclear.
Well, thank you for that thought. I know it was… meant as a sweetness and I take it in that manner, thank you for it.
I have a sub that I am struggling with. I probably should let him go, but not before I try another Avenue. He is demanding and throws [laughing] temper tantrums.
I don’t know why that makes me laugh, but it does. What is he, three years old?
I see him, but not sure how to handle him sometimes. Desperately need some advice.
Nah. Nah! [laughter] Mmmm. My advice is… [higher tone] nah. Just a big, fat nope.
Look. Say… like seriously, I know I’m kind of joking there, but I am serious. Say to him, “This is not fun for me, cut it out.” And if he can’t, or he won’t, then we’re back to [higher tone] Nah! [laughter]
Good luck with that. I don’t know. I just think there’s a lot of women who are doing a shit-load of work for men for, like, why? Just, [yes, the high pitch again] nah.
Okay. [laughter] I’m being… I said in my, um, blog post that I’ve gotten rid of a lot of rage, but I’m, I’m thinking, I’m feeling like I’m being a lot more dismissive than I normally am. Am I? I don’t know. Maybe.
I don’t think it’s wrong though. I don’t… [laughter] It’s not that I think I’m wrong, I just think that I’m normally a bit nicer. Anyway, here we go:
Hi Ferns, love your podcast.
Thank you so much.
I think of you as a relationship therapist with a fun specialization.
[laughter] If I was a relationship therapist, I’d be getting paid for this, I tell you that.
So, I have psychological question for you. I am a man who has been fantasizing about femdom submission for a long time, but only explored it tentatively a few times. I hesitate because I suspect that I desire submission because my mother was abusively domineering…
…and I am attracted to D/S dynamics because it is the most familiar love practice, or even because i want to try again to win mommy’s love. This sounds mentally unhealthy, and worse, unsexy.
Also, I want genuinely loving relationships, and femdom relationships sound like the one I had with my mother. Am I wrong?
Yes! You are really, really wrong.
But I can’t shake what I like, effective therapy that has helped me with daily functioning notwithstanding, so I end up generally having vanilla relationships in which I hide my desire and feel disconnected. When I did explore with willing and caring partners in the past, the thought that I am reliving my relationship with my mother has always stopped me from pursuing such interactions deeply. Any thought?
This is from BJ, in the US.
Well, BJ, I’m not even going to make a joke about those initials. But I kind of just did, didn’t I? [laughter] I… you say you’ve had therapy in order to function out in the world. But I think you would benefit from a kink-friendly therapist to work through these things. So, firstly, I want to say that your image of what, um, femdom relationships are about is wrong. So, what I assume you are getting, because you are inexperienced, you’re getting all your information from porn. And it’s all over the internet, it’s what you get when you search for femdom, so I understand where that came from, but it is not what healthy, good… D/s relationships look like. Ever.
There are sooo many ways to have a D/s relationship and you may find one, or be able to build one with someone that satisfies what you think you need. But, she is not a therapist. I am not a therapist. What you need is a therapist. And when I say kink-friendly, and what I mean by that is that I think you need to unpack (a) your understanding of those kinds of relationships and (b) the idea that you can get that from D/s. And from normal therapy it’s more focused on, you know, normal vanilla relationships, and functioning out in the world and relating to people, you know, socially and intimately and that sort of thing. But it doesn’t include the kink aspect. Your current therapist may have – may be kink friendly, you can ask. But I think a lot of people are very nervous… to ask someone who hasn’t already said that they are, because then they’re put– obviously making themselves vulnerable.
But I think you need to explore that on your own before you bring someone into it, because I think having any kind of expectations like that are kind of (a) wrong-headed about relationships and (b) full of uncertainty within your own self, I think you are going to end up in something that is going to be unhealthy and unhappy for both of you.
So there are my thoughts. Good luck with that.
Hello, I stumbled across your blog from a thread on FetLife. I am a new female domme with little experience. What advice would you give someone new like me?
[said in “That puppy is soooo cute!” voice] Oh my god! [laugh]
Honestly, a question like that is like asking someone who, you know – if, if you’re a young woman who’s never been in a vanilla relationship and it’s like asking a vanilla person, “What advice would you give me about relationships?” I don’t know, where do you start with that. Not least because there are so few models of healthy D/s, and particularly female-dominant relationships out there. That form a base. So, when you’re asked for advice, where do you even start?
I have a book list on my blog. It is curated and has synopses of the books in there. Some are good, some are bad. They cover different topics, um, the commentary on them is very useful. I suggest you go and look at that. That same booklist is on FetLife, if you’re on FetLife, since this, this person found me on FetLife. Go and have a look at those, and pick and choose ones that sound like they’re going to useful to you. That’s my advice.
And read. Like, FetLife is a, is a shit-show in a lot of ways, but there are also very experienced people going to a lot of trouble to share those experiences, so it’s certainly worth exploring there. And the group that I run, which is the Submissive Men and Women Who Love Them is over 90,000 people strong now, and the regular posters are a lot of very experienced, no-bullshit-type people who will give their opinions about anything and everything, and that’s really useful because not everybody agrees on everything, of course. Everyone runs their relationships different ways, so that can be useful just to pick up on stuff and find people whose opinions you value and can relate to and then follow them and see what they say about different things.
How can I ask my wife to be dominant for life? How can I become her slave? If not, then how can I find a dominant woman?
Like, the wrong in it makes me sad. [laughing]
This is… just… ah… [frustrated mmm noise].
Okay, I’m going to take a sip of champagne now, that’s got to make me feel better, right?
[silence as sip is taken, followed by lip smack]
Right. [exhale, then tongue click]
Look, this, uh… the thing that bothers me most about this question is… you have a wife, you want her to do something for you, but if she won’t, you’ll just find somebody else. And I’m just, I don’t have time for that. That’s bullshit.
Okay, bye. [laughter]
[higher tone] Nuh.
The next one:
Can a domme be an extrovert?
[surprised] What? Of course! Mmm. There’s more to this question:
Just a question that occurred to me after a little vanilla online dating. By her profile and our online conversation I could tell she was independent, highly intelligent, well defined opinions. Just like the awesome Ferns! I thought.
Hah! Just like me!
We met and she was all I said but it seems she has quite an extroverted nature, quite likes other people. She was missing…
Something? That’s a little bit of a typo there, I think.
She was missing something, not especially needing an intense relationship because she had so many happy casual friends. So I’m wanting your expert opinion – can a domme really be an extrovert?
That is such an interesting question. Because, mostly, people ask the opposite, “Can a dominant be an introvert?” Because… the, I guess, stereotype is that as a dominant, other than – as well as confidence, there is an idea that they’ll be very loud and very social and everyone is drawn to them because of their amazingness, and their leadership qualities mean that they take control of every situation, and they walk into a room and all eyes turn on them because they are so domly. So, the stereotype is much more that dominants are extroverts.
But, to answer your question: of course they can be extroverts. Or introverts. Or shy, or have depression, or anxiety, or be uncomfortable in social situations, or be the life of the party, or… just like anybody. So, yes.
I think, I also think it’s a weird thing to say… she has many happy casual friends, therefore she doesn’t want an intense relationship. That’s not really how most – I mean, for her, as an individual that might be true – but that’s not a trait of extroverts. Extroverts can have a ton of friends and also have a very intense, you know, personal relationship, intimate relationship with someone. It’s not mutually exclusive.
Ooh! I have something in French. [in bad French accent] Le Franche… [laughter]
I’m going to say this with a bad French accent. And if you are French, and listening to this, I apologize. And now I’m going to have to go and translate it in Google.
So I’ll read it in the French, I’ll tell you what I think it means, and then I’ll go and translate it and we can see how far off I was. Oh, look, games!
That sounds so nice, thank you!
[incomprehensibly terrible French] Je suis interesse par la soumission. Mon epouse ne veut pas comment commencer?
Okay, so what I hear is, “Good evening, Mistress. I am interested in submission. I don’t know where to start.”
All right, I’m going to bring this into Google Translate. You guys are going to come with me! Come on! Off we go, clickety-click. [laughter] I could, of course, stopped the recording, but [said slightly sing-song] I’m not going to do that. You’re going to come with me.
Oh! [tone switching to having found something slightly unpleasant] Ooo. I was wrong. “Epouse” – I’m probably pronouncing that terribly, is spouse, my wife. So it was, “Good evening, Mistress. I am interested in submission. My wife does not want to start.”
Right. Then I got that a bit wrong then, didn’t I? Just as well I’m a Googler, from way back.
Okay, I see your question in there somewhere is, I – similar to the other one, really, except for, the, you didn’t include the, “And if she won’t, where do I find one?” [laugh] bit. Thank God. I suggest you have a look at Ms. Rika’s book, ‘Uniquely Rika’. It’s in my book list, you can find it on Amazon. Um, and the reason I say that is because it is one of the very few books that is genuinely from a female dominant’s perspective. It is a dominant-centric book on, um, D/s relationships. All of the other books that are out there that, you know, are good for their purposes, focus on men’s fetishes and on… sexual power as control. Which, there’s nothing wrong with it; if you enjoy that, you go for it. But the underlying premise of it is that, if his dick’s hard, he’ll do what you want. And the issue with that is that, okay, so if you don’t make his dick hard he’s not going to do it? Like, uh dunno. How does that work?
And there is a thing called arousal-based submission and arousal-based dominance, and there is nothing wrong with that. And what that really means is, “I only feel submissive when I’m turned on” or “I only feel dominant when I’m turned on.” And that is perfectly fine, and it’s a grand way to do things. But, I think the reason I like ‘Uniquely Rika’ is because it’s one of the very first books I ever read, and have read – and I’ve read a lot – um, that genuinely… says that the submissive’s arousal is not how you measure your D/s or how it’s working. You measure it by how pleased your dominant is. And it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a big deal, because nobody says that.
Everybody says, “Ah, you know, if you put him in chastity his cock will be locked up and he’s yours.” And I’m like, well, okay, what if you just want the dishes done? [laugher] Or what about if you just want a certain thing and you don’t want to go having turn him on to get it? It’s just one of the few books that looks at, um, F/m from that perspective. And, for that reason, it’s very useful for… men and women who come into F/m from the perspective that everything is about the man’s arousal. And there are so many influences on us that show us that, and teach us that, and tell us that. So it’s a bit of a breath of fresh air and a bit of an eye opener also.
And the thing with it for, um, men who think they’re submissive is that is gives them a bit of a check in an okay, well, what’s-in-it-for her, sort of way. Because most men who ask this question are really saying, “I want to be served.” So having another think about what they’re actually asking and, if they are asking, “I want to be turned on in these particular ways,” that is cool, you know, there’s nothing wrong with that, but… then you need to find the language to explain what it is you want. And submission is not it.
So, that’s my long-winded answer.
I have an online Domme that enjoys putting boys on their knees. I have been chatting with her for about a year and requested permission to kneel for her a few months back. Ever since that night she has frequently commanded me to get on my knees. This definitely has some sort of effect on me and kneeling for her has become a desire for me. My only problem is I get sore knees [laugh] from work life and spending time on my knees only makes it worse along with my feet/ankles going numb. My record so far has been an hour and a half kneeling, but I want to build my stamina so I can kneel for quite some time if and when we meet. Do you have any advice or tips on how I can get used to spending more time on my knees without damaging anything?
That is such a good question! And an hour and half is long, long time. Long time. And, no. I, look, I have no expertise in this and I’m not sure what physical condition you’re in or what age you are, or what you do for a job, or any of those things. But kneeling is hard on your knees, it’s hard on your ankles, it’s hard on your feet. And there’s, I’m not even sure what it’s called, but I’ve seen pictures of it, but I’ve never seen one in real life, but there’s a kneeling stool that takes the pressure off your knees and ankles and I, I suspect that’s not going to fulfill your need then if you use that thing, because it’s like a, it’s like a little prop.
But I strongly suggest, um, that you genuinely seek some medical advice. Because, depending on your physical condition, your age, you know, whatever your joints – situation your joints are in, and what you’re kneeling on, all that sort of thing, I tend to think it’s just bad for you. [laughing] It’s just bad for you. But an hour and a half is a really long time. And we are not built to kneel for hours. So, other than propping yourself up a bit with pillows and kneeling on something that is kind to your shins and feet, something softer, I’ve got nothing. I really think you need – If want to do this seriously, I think you need to go and seek some medical advice about it. And I know that’s hard. Maybe you can come up with an excuse for why you need to kneel so long. Maybe you’re entering the seminary and part of your… [laughing] part of your religious training is that you have to kneel at the monastery. You could make up a monastery.
Um, next one:
Oooh. It’s always a surprise when people use my first name, even though it’s out there and that’s fine. But it’s, it still feels weird.
I am a married woman from India. We have been married for the last 4 years. We have been enjoying D/s relationship for the last two years. My husband is too much addicted to femdom lifestyle. He introduced this lifestyle to me. Even I was enjoying this lifestyle. But now he is everyday watching femdom movies on the internet. Even I watch such video with him to progress our life.
Which is not really related to that, but anyway. The question is:
Now he is asking me to make him my toilet slave. He became addicted to watching toilet femdom. I am okay with golden showers. But he wants to become my full toilet slave. I am really very upset. I love him so much. Still I want to make him happy. Is it really possible to make him toilet slave? Is it okay for his health? He says that he will become my toilet slave over two years of time very slowly so it will not affect his health. Still, I am worried for his health.
Please suggest me.
Okay. There’s a whole lot going on here. You’re not happy… [slight laugh] is the bottom line. And, honestly, your question, your underlying question should be about that, not this fetish that he suddenly has. You have been amazing, let me say that very clearly and upfront. He introduced femdom to you and you have been doing it for two years, you apparently enjoy what you have been doing, it’s been going well, he should be at your feet in total worship that you have brought him this joy.
The porn thing? That is not on. It’s not on. I have nothing against porn. You go get your porn if you want it. But when it interferes with your relationship you’re being a shit bag. And funny I use that term considering we’re talking about toilet slavery, but anyway [laughing]… and moving right along.
Look, that… Let me put it in very simple terms: He’s, he is not respecting you. He is not respecting your autonomy, or your tastes, or your desires, or your wants, or your needs. He’s being a shit. Literally. So, no! [laughing] I don’t care if it’s healthy or not. Just don’t do it. Don’t do it. Just say no.
[Exhale, sounding a bit like ugh]
I know that you say you’ve been in a D/s relationship and I suspect you have not. I suspect what’s been happening is that you’ve been indulging him in ways that you enjoy and that he enjoys, and that’s great. But, now he’s escalating and, honestly, he’s never going to be happy. If he keeps watching porn and getting these ideas of, of things that make his dick hard, and they get more and more extreme, he is never going to be happy. I think there are possibilities of health concerns for consuming feces. Like it’s, there’s a potential for all sorts of bad things to happen. It think occasionally it’s probably fine, I think, you know, all the time… ugh. And plus, you want to kiss that mouth if he’s just eaten shit everyday? I’m just… ugh. Anyway. That’s my… that’s me being not kink friendly. [laughter] If you want to do it, go for it, but this is not something that you want to do. And you shouldn’t do it.
Being coerced or convinced to engage in fetishes that do nothing for you is not going to increase intimacy and it is not going to make either of you happy. Because you will resent this very soon. And then he, once he thinks that you’re going to do it and then you don’t do it, he’s going to be angry about that and resentful also.
So I think you need to sit down and have a very serious talk with him about what your relationship is about. What is okay for your and what is not okay. If he wants you to be the dominant, be the dominant. Cut out the porn watching. And just say that you are not willing to do fetishes that you do not enjoy. That you’re not going to do it just for him. because that’s not fun or enjoyable or good for your relationship. If you really want to know about the health thing, I’m sure if you looked up medical advice, you would find plenty on Google. Not the porn type, but the real type. I’m pretty sure you’d find it.
The next question:
First, thank you so much for your blog. Smiley face.
Oh, you’re welcome!
Down to earth, genuine, funny, intriguing, beautiful, I could continue all day, haha!
[laughter] Well, thank you for that, I appreciate it very much.
My question: The more my orgasms are taken away from me, the more submissive I become. The more sex is available for me, the more dominant I become. Am I a switch? Is this normal?
Well, you might be a switch. I dunno. I think if you genuinely feel dominant and submissive then you’re probably a switch, yes. I think there is a certain, um, contingent of male submissives who become more submissive if they are in chastity, if they are denied orgasms, if they are kept in a state of arousal. So I mentioned earlier in this podcast something about arousal-based submission. And part of the, the method of controlling someone, if that is how their submission works, is to control their arousal. If you keep someone aroused and never let them have release, at least up to a certain point, um, their sub– their feelings of submission may increase. Doesn’t work for everybody of course, some people just get annoyed and aggravated [slight laugh] over it. And some people feel nothing at all, some people just put their sex drive away and it doesn’t do anything.
But, yeah, I think (a) it’s relatively common for some men to feel more submissive if they are denied orgasms. I suspect if… lots of sex makes you feel dominant, then, yeah, you might be a switch. And, is it normal? Of course, yes. It’s pretty normal. And common.
Chocolate: white, milk, dark… or heathen?
[laughter] I do not think I have ever had heathen chocolate. But I really want some now. You know, I used to be huge with white chocolate. It was my absolute favorite. And something has changed for me… um, recently, I’d say? Where I find white chocolate too sweet. [sharp intake of breath] Shocker. [laughter] Too sweet, what even is that? Um, I not that keen on dark chocolate, so I’m going to have to go with milk now. But I really want to try some heathen chocolate now that you’ve mentioned it.
[almost singing] Umm…
I do, I do love compliments.
Always love the sexiest woman on the planet’s blog. You are a national treasure, if I was good looking, young, wealthy, and fit, I would move to the bottom of the planet to chase you! Uber sexy!
Thank you, thank you for that.
But for now, just a kinky question: I am 61 years old, extremely kinky, submissive masochist. I have a steady play partner who beats me once a week.
Recently, I have been fantasizing about sucking cock. What would Your reaction be? Would You find it sexy, alarming, or dot dot dot question mark.
Thank You, yours in kink,
Umm, I don’t have a strong opinion about this. For me, the idea of, of bringing in a third person to facilitate my submissive’s fantasy is not something that really grabs me. Not least because I can’t even find one person I want to be in a room with an get kinky with. So having one, and then trying to find another just [mock exhausted voice] seems like sooo much work [breaking into laughter]. So, for that reason alone I would just be going, “Yeah, that’s not happening.”
I think a lot of women love the fantasy of it. And I think, I think the fantasy of it is pretty hot too. I think men together can be hugely sexy, although I like kissing more than cock sucking because that is one of my things. Um, I wouldn’t find it alarming. I think there is also a big difference between fantasizing about something and actually wanting to do it. So I think you can find lots of ways to play with the fantasy if your partner is turned on by that, without actually going to the actual step of doing it. I hope that helps. And I hope, hope your partner wants to play with that with you.
[mouse clicking noises]
I’ve been getting a lot of, um, this is irrelevant to my questions, but you might be able to hear me clicking around here. Um, I have been getting a lot of, um, spam on my Ask Me page, even though I ask a little maths question. So, apparently the spambots can do maths now. [Laughter] Which is kind of scary. It’s like the, you know, you see the little clips of robots of various kinds, I had a dancing robot, and I had some robot that they showed, it looked like a deer sort of long legs, four legs. And when you knocked it over, it could get up. And everyone’s going, “Oh, isn’t that great!”
And I’m like, “Have you ever watched a freaking futuristic movie where the robots kill everybody?” C’mon! [laughing] How is that great? Terrifying. Anyway. Bots can do maths now. No one should be surprised by that.
[singing] Hmmmm. [deep voice] Next question:
Hello! What is the best place to talk with female dommes? As a male sub I feel that it is impossible to find anyone to talk to anyone without it being assumed I am just spam.
Go to FetLife. Interact in discussions. Don’t just… spam random women with, you know, chat requests. Go and participate in discussions and network and make friends. There you go. You’re welcome.
[laughter, building up in volume]
I don’t know whether to read this one out, it’s just… [almost painfully] not.
I’m going to read it out though, because if I’m subject to it, you have to be subject to it. [firmly] You’re welcome!
I am an Indian with a penis of about 16 centimeters.
See, I need to get a ruler now, I don’t know how long that is. Is it small? I dunno.
How good is it for a woman?
That’s easy. I don’t know. Don’t care. Don’t know, don’t care!
Also, I have this fetish seeing my mom get fucked in front me. Is it normal?
Told you. [laughter, then softly] Told you. [more laughter]
[drawn out, painful] What?
[still painfully] Ooh.
Going to go cry now.
No sweetheart, it’s not normal. And stop fantasizing about that, cause it’s not good.
Hi, do you have any suggestions for a brand new Domme with a long distance sub? He is interested in discipline and punishments of a creative sexual nature and I’m just too new to know what might be possible. I’m planning to buy your book, but was just hoping for a couple of short ideas for tasks and punishments for him. Thank you!
I did write a book just for this. Well, not really for online. But if you’re curious, it’s called How To Make Your First BDSM Scene Amazing [last said singing]. And… the purpose of it is for new dommes who are literally in this situation where they don’t know what to do.
When I was a baby domme, concrete information was very difficult to find, because people don’t want to tell you – and I’m using air quotes now – “how to do it.” They don’t want to tell you that because they don’t want to be all one-true-way and “Oooh, you’ve got to do this,” and they want you to “Find your own feet” and all that sort of business which is fine, and it’s great. But it’s not actually useful, you know what I mean?
I am an organised person who likes lists and who likes to have a framework and who likes to have a direction – even if I don’t follow that direction. If I don’t know what I’m doing, I want someone to say, “Here’s how you do it” and I can go, “Nah” or “Yeah, I like those three things, but not that one.” And no one would give me that, and it was sooo frustrating.
So, big plug for my book: It walks newbie dommes through how to plan scenes, how to build confidence, how to run through the scenes, how to figure out what kind of scene you want, how to make up things that give you something concrete to go into a scene with, how to bolster your confidence while in the scene. All that sort of stuff. How to do aftercare, how to think about what you want this thing to look like.
So you start from nothing and end up with, and I actually created a – a whole [laughter] (I’m such a nerd) I created a whole worksheet for this. So I have all these chapters that explain how to go through the process. And then I gave you a worksheet to put it down on paper, so that you have something concrete. And the reason is because this question is really common; that women have these dominant feelings, that they want to be dominant, but they have no idea where to start.
So, it’s on Amazon. [laugh] The author name is Sharyn Ferns, of course. And it’s called How to Make Your First BDSM Scene Amazing. If it’s not your first BDSM scene, but you just want a little bit of, you know, guidance, it’s short, sharp, actionable steps that you can take and work through. And, you know, you take what you want, leave what you don’t.
So, [laugh] to answer this question: Short ideas for tasks and punishments for him? The thing I would suggest most is you do a BDSM checklist, both of you. And then you find out what you have in common, and you start there. Because the big thing when you’re new is building confidence. And, in order to build confidence, what you want to do, to start off with, is things that you know… ninety-nine percent sure, that you are going to enjoy, and that he is going to enjoy. And that helps you build your confidence. And don’t make it something huge, just make it little things. See how he reacts, see how you feel about it, and go from there.
Good luck, I hope it’s enjoyable for you.
I love your article about Collarspace. Though I am saddened that I may not every get my profile back. I made the mistake [laughing a bit while reading] of updating my age. I am glad I have a reason that makes sense. I plan on reading more here as you sound very much like someone I can get behind and who makes me go, “Me too!” Thanks for writing. Big smiley face.
For those of you who have not come to the podcast from my blog, Collarspace is – collarspace.com target=”_blank” – is currently the biggest, um, BDSM dating site in the world. And when I say the biggest, I mean the biggest free one. [laugh] I think, I think alt.com might be bigger, but it’s not free. And I’m not sure it’s bigger.
But I’ve been on collarspace, which was formerly collarme.com, for literally ten years, and… it has not changed in style or presentation since then. It has had some technical issues over the years and, including some big drama where they had to – where the owners split up and moved it. One of the owners moved it to collarspace.com.
But, all that being as it may, in the last maybe, I dunno, four or five months? Six months? They have taken steps to literally shut the site down. And then they pulled back from that decision. And when I say literally shut the site down, I mean any edits to profiles were not being approved, so if you made – as this person did – a change to your age, or a minor edit with a full stop on you profile, your, um, account went into limbo and was never approved. Then they started approving some, but not others. The registration link went directly to Alt because alt.com has bought collarspace, and I guess they thought, “Well, if we just don’t let people sign on and just point them to the alt.com login registration form, then they will sign in there” – which they did not. So they have pulled back from that. But, the site – one day the site’s going to be gone. One day soon, the site is going to be gone.
So I wrote a piece about that, and about the mess that they’ve made there. So, if you are on Collarspace and you haven’t seen that article, it’s on my blog, but just here on the podcast, if you are on Collarspace and you’re talking to anybody, or you start to talk to anybody, get alternative contact details. I don’t care what it is, but get them. Because one day it’s going to be down, and those contacts will be gone.
For me, anybody who is on Collarspace and I’m gone, I’m on FetLife with the same nick, Ferns. So I am easy to find. So if you are talking to me and I disappear, you might want to go and chase me up there.
Would first like to say, love your web site.
Thank you so much!
It has comforted me many times and has helped me with some relationship patterns I had. Thank you for all that you do. Smiley face.
You are so welcome, and I’m so glad that something that I wrote helped you.
Onto my situation:
I am a lesbian submissive. I’ve discovered this over the years of experience in the kink community. Lately, I’ve been trying to date to find a dominant partner. I’m also interested in D/s and would love D/s to be a feature of my future potential relationship. As a submissive, I do think I have a lot to offer a potential dominant.
The problem is, I can’t find many lesbian tops and I live in a pretty large metropolis. It’s becoming depressing. I’m beginning to feel like I might need to give up.
Recently, I went on a date with a dominant lady. It seemed promising, but I feel as if she ghosted me.
[sympathetic groan, followed by ooh as if shaking off something disgusting] Argh, ooh.
And yeah, it did sting a bit. I thought it was going so well because we had a lot of similarities and wanted the same things. My question is should I try one last time to reach out to her, give up on that particular avenue or continue the search even in lieu of really slim pickings?
Oooh. I feel you.
You asked this a little while ago. Well, not that long ago. Ah! [laughter] I am, I am kind of almost up to date now. There’s fewer questions than I might have expected I normally strike. Anyway.
Um, yes, by all means. Like, contact her again and just say, “Hey,” you know, “Still really interested, what do you think?” I think that if the “search” (and I use that air quotes there) I think if the search is getting you down, you need to give up. I think a lot of people – and I don’t mean forever, I just mean for now – a lot of people get jaded and get bitter and get angry, or just get despondent, and I understand why. Finding a partner is really hard. I’m always amazed that some people just manage to pick up partners as if it’s nothing. And I’m not sure if they’re just those kind of people who get along with everybody and love everybody and like everybody and, so when they find someone, meet someone, they pretty much, you know, ninety percent of the time they really like them; maybe that’s how that works.
But my advice is, is don’t, don’t tie yourself up in knots… or get to a point where you feel bad about searching. I think there’s a few things there. One is that, if you get involved in your community, or you get involved online, or you get involved in some way without *looking*, then you may meet somebody. Because you meet people all the time, right? I don’t know. When I was out in the vanilla world, I never joined a dating site. I just met men that I really liked. And we dated, and then we were in a relationship because we liked each other. I think the D/s world is different because the pool is smaller, so you can’t really afford to do that. But my point is that you don’t necessarily have to be focused on looking to meet somebody. You might meet somebody because a friend knows somebody and in order to– for that to happen you have to make those friends. So, yes, reach out to her and just check. Because maybe something happened, or she thought you weren’t interested, or whatever. And then, give it up.
Um, and if they way you are conducting your search isn’t working for you, then either take a break from it, because you don’t want to get into that awful feeling that it’s all hopeless, and then you project negativity out into the world, and look at different ways that you can facilitate that without [dramatic low voice] doing the search. And, the other thing that I’d say is, I don’t know where you’re searching, you don’t really say, but because of the way you said this, [uncertainly] I assume you were in your community? Maybe?
I think being a lesbian bottom looking for a female dominant, you are in a pretty small niche. And that’s unfortunate. I mean, the femdom community is small enough. But, I think the lesbian femdom community is then another subset of that. So, I want to say don’t give up, but I also want to say, don’t tie yourself up in knots trying to make it happen to the point where you become tired and jaded and depressed about it. The other thing is that, um, quite a few people have had luck on non-kink dating sites. I think kink is, is becoming more common. And some of those dating sites have got questions that will point you to other kink people, so that might be worth a try.
Good luck with it! It would be so nice if you came back and said, “Oh look, I reached out to her and she lost my phone number,” or something and then, “Now we’re all loved up.” [laughing] That would be great. Good luck.
Long story short…
But they trick me, because it is not a short story. So, they imply they are going to make this long story short, but then they DO NOT! I see you. Just let me see if there’s a name there so I can call them out… I see you, Jaden! [laughter]
I think this might be the last one, it’s pretty recent.
I met a dominant women online. She turns out to maybe be a man. She says her voice was damaged while being a firefighter. I believe her. We both started talking by way of email, phone, and text. She will NOT FaceTime with me. I have doubts that she is real. Meaning really who she says she is.
At first most of her requests of me I say no to. I am not sure what I am at this point, and she is aware of my past. Being divorced and always being in vanilla relationships. I am now 56 years old. She is 37.
I seriously keep going into subspace, and I am infatuated with her. We agree to meet in person. I live on the West Coast and she lives on the East Coast. I’m planning a road trip across country before we meet. One day…
See, I told you it wasn’t a short story. [laughter] I don’t mind, though. I like getting stories.
One day I get a email saying she wants to stop seeing me, and thinks I’m a switch? I am initially pissed off big time, as I am submitting to her for the most part, and what the fuck do I do now?
I write her back saying saying I am willing to look at being a switch…
Hmm? What? [laughter] That seems weird. Okay.
…but that I am very much submissive and want to meet with her in person, and that I am very attracted to her. We agree to just be friends…
Uh! [whispered] This is messy.
…and I can bounce things off of her in the future with advise about all this BDSM stuff.
A couple of days later we are back to flirting with one another and I [rising pitch of voice] leave on my road trip.
I know, this is a saga. This is like a, this is like a soap opera. Thank you, Jaden. [laughter]
She sends me assignments by email and texts.
[series of confused noises from Ferns] Ah. What? Huh? … What? Now I’m confused.
Send her pictures of my wet clit in rest stops, etc…
You’re… you’re a woman? But, wait, what?
Some requests I say no to because I just want to see her face on FaceTime and then meet her in person. Still not convinced she isn’t a man. My gut says something is wrong. Last night we talked, I ask her to FaceTime with me, she gets mad and says that the first time she wants to meet will be in person and I should just trust her.
Next morning she sends a text saying [laughing] she never wants to talk again…
[breaks into full laughter] I’m sorry for laughing, but this is a bit ridiculous.
She never wants to talk again or meet in person because after all the emails, phone conversations, etc. she is too hurt that I would think she’s a man and not trust to meet in person.
We have not seen or talked since. My heart was truly hurt.
See, now I feel bad for laughing.
I was pissed off too. I tracked her phone number and found that she lives with a man and is beautiful, but not the picture in her original profile. I am interested in what you think about this. There is more, but I think it gives the BDSM community a bad name with some of what’s happening online to take advantage of women.
Oh wait. What? Okay, you’re a woman. Wait. But Jaden, that’s a man’s name. I’m so confused!
Okay, so this is a lesbian relationship. That’s why pictures of your wet clit… okay, I’m with you now, I’m with you. Ummm…
I am interested in what you think about this. There is more, but I think it gives the BDSM community a bad name with some of what’s happening online to take advantage of women.
Subspace is powerful, as is sub drop for me. I am learning more about myself, and have met a dominant women that is just mentoring me right now to help me understand who I am, and how to be safe out in this world that I never experienced until now.
I like what you write about and you seem like the real deal to me.
Thanks for reading,
Okay. A big fat no to all of that. [laughing] All of that. All of that! Just… [plaintively] no.
A thing… a thing that happens and it, I mean, it happens to everybody, but I think, I think a lot of submissives get a bit desperate and are particularly vulnerable to it, is that they feel something isn’t right. And what they do is that they make excuses for it, or they believe the other person’s excuses for it. They, they don’t trust their gut anymore because they want it sooo bad. So my view of this is, [drawn out] whatever is going on there, it’s a bunch of bullshit. So, it doesn’t matter; the details are irrelevant. Like, entirely irrelevant. She is never going to meet you, she doesn’t want to meet you, she is going to fuck you around if you stay in touch with her. Just be done with it, like, seriously done with it.
The main thing with this as far as advice goes is don’t do the online thing. Don’t do the coast-to-coast thing. If you have problems, which you do, making a decision, a hard decision often, between yes or no. Like yes to continuing; no, not continuing. Then you need to not put yourself in those situations. Because you don’t have the judgement to make good decisions. And if you’ve never heard of sub frenzy, you should look it up. It’s a very common phenomenon where subs are so eager… to find what they’ve been looking for that they make a bunch of bad decisions and put themselves in bad situations because they want it.
And yours was not dangerous by any, you know, stretch of the imagination. But, yeah, emotionally harmful. I think that, whatever is going on there, she is not interested in the same thing that you are interested in. I know you are hurt, and I’m sorry that you are hurt, but… nuh.
I think if you got… See, the thing that worries me now is that you say you’ve met a dominant woman who’s mentoring you, and I’m like, I bet that’s online also. And, what makes her more trustworthy than the one you’ve just spoken to, given that your judgement is not the best? I suggest you… find your local community, and find some real people, and some real friends, and talk some of this stuff out with them. And meet people, you know, where you are. It’s the easiest way to avoid this kind of situation. And as time goes on, maybe your judgement will get better. But at the moment you’re not in a good position to make those kinds of calls. And it’s the same with… I mean, I appreciate you now have a mentor, but… what makes you think your judgement is so good now that this mentor is who they say they are? You know what I mean? So just be careful, too.
That was the last one. And look at me! It’s just gone an hour.
Thank you, for sticking with me for this hour. I appreciate your company and I appreciate you listening to my podcast. The next one will probably be, be, you know, another three or four [laughing] months. Something like that! I am just going to check my email, because I did do a last minute call out to people on my blog to people if they wanted to be in this… podcast.
[softly] Nobody talks to me.
I have a new question. Ah! Like up to the minute! [laughter]
Have you ever wanted to tie a guy to something for a night and then leave him there for a few days?
Okay, no I have not. Because that is horribly devastatingly unsafe. Have I… tied a guy to something… for a night, just for the night, where he actually, secretly, had a way to get out of it if he got into trouble? Yes I have. And it is [singsong] awe-some!
So, yeah. I think there is the fantasy, and there’s the reality. And… there’s a difference. But the reality is super hot.
Every time I hear your amazing voice I want to drop to my knees. I feel your power and it makes me want to kneel whenever I’m on your blog.
Well, sweetheart, you feel free to kneel whenever you’re on my blog. [laughter] But, just be aware that… I’m a stranger to you… and whatever image you have of me is of your own making, and I have no problem with you enjoying that, but [softly] you should be aware of it. That’s all.
So I’m going to say goodbye and thank you for your company. If you want to read my blog it’s www.domme-chronicles.com. D-O-double-M-E dash Chronicles dot com. And I will speak to you next time.
Bye for now.