Welcome to my Reader Q&A. Enjoy!
- What questions to ask when D/s dating?
- My sub seemed not to respect, like, or care for me
- “I’m in love with my submissive, but…”
- Can there be love after harsh humiliation play?
- Online to real life transition when he seems perfect
- The ratio, you know, RATIO *sculls drink*
- Surprising little message from my ex-boy
- Sweetnesses, thank you!
- On forgiveness after fucking up and DFB
- And more!
The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.
Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…
Full transcript after the jump…
[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]
Hello Dear Listener, and welcome to Podcast number one hundred and two. This is Sharyn Ferns from Domme Chronicles. That is D-O-double-M-E dash Chronicles dot com (domme-chronicles.com). We have a whole bunch of Q&As of course, and thank you for sending them in, I really appreciate them. I have a glass of champagne, but it’s not the good kind, it’s the cheap kind. [laughing] So, I’ll probably be getting ridiculous sooner rather than later.
Let’s start with the first one:
Hi Ferns, long-time listener; first-time caller.
[said with slight laugh] I do love that cliché, I don’t know why.
When dating a prospective sub and discussing possible future D/s dynamics, what questions would you like him to ask? On the other side of the slash, what questions would you suggest Dommes ask at this stage?
And it’s from Morion.
Um, it’s a tricky question. I don’t think… I don’t think people really get to know each other through “Q&A” – I’m putting that in air quotes. When you talk to people, and if it’s going well, and if you’re compatible, and if there’s some kind of connection, conversation flows and it segues from one topic to another. And that’s how you learn about people, how you learn about their likes and dislikes, how you learn about their history with relationships, how you learn about what they want their D/s to look like. And I think… for me, anyway, if I have to have a list of questions, or if they have to have a list of questions, then the conversation is not going the way that I would like; do you know what I mean? If it feels like an interrogation… then that’s not a conversation that is amenable to having a fabulous [brief laugh] relationship to me.
Having said that, I think there are things that you want to find out. And one of the things I advise a lot of newbie dommes to do, and I think it’s useful for submissives as well, is to actually sit down and then share, um, what you expect your relationship to look like day-to-day. So, I often put it as a life – a “day in the life.” So, if you… write down and think about, realistically a day in the life with your fabulous submissive, what does it look like? How do you feel? How do you talk to each other? What things do you do together? How do you accommodate all the real life stuff? If you each do that, you end up with a pretty good idea of where you are compatible and where you are not. And I think that’s, if you’re a bit stuck as to which way to go, I think that’s a good way to start that conversation, or to… push that conversation, I guess.
Thank you for your question.
Oh! This is a long one. [laugh]
I have just taken a break from a relationship I have been in for the last year. At the beginning, it was made clear that I was to take on the domme role, whilst he was to be the bottom s-type. This was my intention from day one. I am however very new to the idea of being a dominant and therefore unable to clearly state exactly what that means to me and what I am to expect. Because I am such a novice, I was hoping for a bit more fluidity and a partner that I could grow and work with to figure things out.
That sounds perfectly reasonable.
…things went completely in the opposite direction of my initial intentions, with him coming off as controlling and all his fetishes and desires being the main focus. Essentially, he dominated most aspects. Upon reflection I can see that I was not clear in stating my needs and desires and that I need to exercise this for any future relationships, by guiding the sub to be the sub for me. But often with this past relationship I had felt things like disrespect, under valued, and not a priority. These are all things I feel a healthy dynamic should have.
How can I tell a sub he must respect me or that I need to be respected? They either do or they don’t. I am not an ego-driven woman who has no self awareness and I actively work on self improvement with an understanding of my faults and weaknesses. But I also know my worth and can see the value in the life I have created and the strength and positivity I can add to a relationship. However this boy seems to not have. I feel in any relationship things like mutual respect, communication, reciprocity etc are just things that are required. It feels strange to me to say ‘you must respect me’. I would work harder on creating a life worthy of respect if I felt his disrespect was merited, but it simply isn’t. Should you really be expressing such needs in a D/s relationship? You must like me! [laugh] You must respect me! You must care about me! Aren’t these a given? Also a bit of background…. I’m 37, he’s 21
And then she did that, I don’t even know what that… that emoticon is where you do the “neee” face. You know that one, the “neee” face. [ed: she’s referring to “:/”] I think your “neee” face is totally warranted. And you sound awesome. You sound like you’ve got your shit together. You sound like you’re… you know, a sensible thinker. You don’t sound unrealistic, you don’t sound as if… you’ve got some weird view of what a D/s relationship is. So I have a whole bunch of things to say to you, and they’re going to be a bit disjointed.
But, first of all, you are a hundred percent [laughing a bit] right! If you have to tell someone – and forget the D/s stuff, forget if he’s a sub – if he’s your partner, if he’s your friend, if he’s your work colleague, if he’s someone in your family, you one hundred percent should not have to say that you must respect me. At all. Ever!
Having said that, I know it kind of sounds surprising, but respect doesn’t look the same way to everybody. And I am guessing that the age difference had a B-I-I-I-I-I-G thing to do with this. And I, honestly I try not to be ageist, but sometimes age differences mean fundamental differences in how you relate. And… what I’ve found is that very young men… some [laugh] very young men, let me amend that, um… are not respectful in the way that older women want. Because that’s not how they relate to their peers.
And they think it’s archaic, or they think it’s a bit stupid. So they will argue to the death that what they’re doing is not disrespectful, even if it feels disrespectful to you. And if you say, “This is what I want, specifically, in your behaviour”… if they’re eager to please, they may be happy to do that, because they didn’t realise that’s what you wanted. But if you say, “I don’t feel respected” or “You’re disrespecting me” often the comeback will be “I don’t know what you mean.” And they’re not being sarcastic or rude, they genuinely don’t understand what it means.
And what I see a lot of in that, um, kind of attitude is why, why on earth do you think that’s important? Like, they don’t, seriously do not understand why you think say, being punctual is important, or addressing you in the way that you like is important, or… doing what they say they will do. They just don’t see those things often as important things.
So there’s two ways there that you can go. You can stress that this is important to me, and then see if they will change. And if they won’t, then that is a lot clearer, because it’s not that they won’t… that you have different ideas of respect anymore. If you’ve said this is what I want, and they won’t do it, then the realm you’re in is ‘they do not want to do things that please me’. And that’s much clearer than ‘you’re not being respectful’. It’s specific. So! Having said that, specific thing, you had a [laughing] whole bunch of other issues there that are not covered by that.
So… You struck someone who is just incompatible with you. That’s all. So you did nothing wrong. It’s not because you are a novice, it’s not because you were being unrealistic, you were just a mismatch. So, it sounds like what he wanted was someone to do the kinky stuff with, and what you wanted was, and I’m putting this in air quotes, “a submissive.” So I think that your ideas of what you meant by D/s and by dominance and by submission were probably very, very different. And you didn’t quite realise it. And I – and if you add on top of that, some difference in understanding of how to relate in general, and you have that feeling that you had where he was just trying to get you to do stuff and he wasn’t demonstrating that he liked you, or respected you, or cared for you.
So, yeah, I would put it down to a bad choice in partner. Not that he’s a bad person, maybe he’s lovely. But he was a bad partner for you. So, my advice is that if you have tell someone to respect you, then you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what’s going on between you. If you tell him specifically, “This is what I need to feel respected,” and he still doesn’t do it, he doesn’t care.
So, you might be able to get past the first one. And the same with, with, um, feeling like he cares for you. People have different love languages, yeah? Have you’ve ever seen that Five Love Languages? You can Google it, and there’s a little test, and I hate this pop psychology thing, but it’s actually really useful. Because people feel love in different ways. And what we tend to do as human being is express care and love in the way that we like to receive it. But often that doesn’t work for the other person. So, for example, if, um, one of the love languages is… words of affirmation. So, if it is important for you that your partner express verbally how much he likes you, and admires you, and respects you, and cares for you, but what he likes is gifts, so what he does is buys you flowers and chocolates and trinkets, he’s expressing love, but not the kind of love that you need to receive. And that’s a mismatch.
So, yeah, I think next time, you do not need to have that battle. What you can do is hone down what you need into very specific behaviours if he doesn’t automatically give you those and then see if he will deliver them. And if he doesn’t deliver them, then he just doesn’t care enough to do that. Or it’s so far out of his normal way of relating that he can’t do it. I wish you luck. And I think you were quite right to take a break from that relationship, to be honest.
Okay, next one.
I’m in love with my submissive.
Oh! That’s so lovely!
He is my first. I am ready to…
Oh. [said as if discovering something rotten in the kitchen, followed by a laugh] Look at me going that’s so lovely.
I am ready to pull the plug [slight laugh] as he does no initiating, is downright detached at times, is just God Damn difficult.
There are some capitals in there.
Though he sleeps beside me after play, snoring in my ear, has gifted me a bracelet he made years ago and hasn’t removed until I found the trinket under my bedroom area rug. He told me to “hold onto it.” Help.
Okay. You need to have a serious talk with him. It is great that you’re in love. And I think it is not so great that you’re not getting what you want out of the relationship. I think you simply need to sit down with yourself, and a nice glass of wine, and some of your favourite music, and you need to write down what you would like to see change in this relationship. And then you need to have “the talk” with him about it.
So, be clear. With yourself first. And identify your deal breakers. And I’m serious about that. Because there’s no point having this conversation a hundred times – which you will, if you don’t identify your deal breakers. If you just lay all of your wants on the table, it’s going to be probably a bit overwhelming. So what you need to do is separate out into things that you need him to address in order for you to stay in the relationship. If you are ready to pull the plug, then presumably you are at that point where you can identify those things. And then a second list is the things that you need, and presumably you had them once, to put your relationship back on track.
And then, yeah, have a serious conversation with him about how you feel and what you think can be improved in the relationship. And give him a chance to express things that he’s unhappy with. Because usually when people are unhappy, it’s rare that one party is super happy and doesn’t realise anything’s wrong and the one is unhappy. So I assume he has some things going on as well and you have to give him some space to talk about those.
I really hope you can sort it out. Good luck with that.
Not really a question, but a comment. Just recently found you on the webs. Lots of awesome reading here, and I also had a listen to your podcast too. What a voice, by the way.
[Laugh] Ah, thank you.
Anyway, just wanted to say I enjoy your work. I’m even planning to get one of your books mentioned on your site. You have a new fan. Cheers and thanks a lot.
Thank you, JK! Actually, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean “just kidding” [laughing] though he could! Thank you so much. I really appreciate that and I hope you’re enjoying the book.
[laughter] I am a helper! I am so helpful to people.
My girlfriend and I have agreed to try a complete traditional role reversal with a BDSM twist to it.
She is fine about the idea of treating me harshly. She told me how eager she is to humiliate me and I asked her not to care about whether I’d like it or not. Last week, she made me clean the floors of our home on all fours. Once I was done, she entered our home with muddy boots, [laugh] leaving stains all over the floors. She made re-do the whole job all over again much to her amusement.
That does sound pretty funny, actually.
Ironically, I also had to clean her boots and shine them for her. She found the whole experience very amusing.
When I told her I’d like her to become heartless, selfish, whimsical, and to have expressive sex and creatively experience it, she laughingly said it was a good idea.
What I want to know is if she will still be able to love me is she continues (increasingly) to treat me like a slave?
That’s a – that’s a good question.
I think… what you want is not a complete traditional role reversal. Because that’s not how people behave [laughing]. And thank God for that! It sounds like what you want – and this is absolutely fine and great – is periods of play, where she behaves like that, and you behave like that, but it’s not how you live, because nobody lives like – you can’t live like that. If you live like that, I think, in a lot of ways, it will be very… it can be very destructive. Because heartless and selfish people who are mean, and harsh, are not fun in the long term. It’s not fun to be that person, it’s not fun and amusing to become that person, and it’s not fun and amusing, after a while, to be the recipient of that kind of attention.
So you have a fantasy, and that is great. Your fantasy is awesome, your girlfriend is onboard, and that is super. But I do think you both need to do a little bit of work to figure out what it is you are doing. So, my suggestion would be to sit down and have a serious talk about it and define times when you play that way – and you might do it for a week, like who knows, I don’t know. But times when you play that way and times when you reconnect in other ways, because both parts of that are very important to keeping a balance in the relationship.
If she never gets human connection with you, and by that I mean all the love and cuddles and sweetness and beautiful whatever relationship that you have built over however long you’ve been together. And you don’t get that either, then what you will have left at the end is a very empty role play with no substance behind it. So I do think you need to have a think about what it is you are doing. Recognise it as a fantasy, play it out in periods, but do not lose that affectionate love connection that you have built. Because, without it, what you have left is not a lot, to be honest.
So, yeah, do that.
I need your advice.
Well, that’s handy because I’m here to give it!
I’m a Domme in my early 20s, and there is a man, also in his early 20s, who I can’t seem to stop pinning all of my D/s hopes and dreams to. What am I doing!?
– He initiated contact on a kinky website over a year ago.
– Aside from some minor flirting, we have been chatting pretty platonically all that time, and I think we’ve become pretty good friends.
– I am much more experienced than him in the world of kink.
– He lives very far away.
– I am moving, for unrelated reasons, very close to where he lives.
He is deliciously submissive, in a way that especially appeals to me. He checks most, if not all, of my boxes.
The thing is…
[laugh] There’s always a thing, isn’t there?
This thing is, I’ve done this ~falling for someone online~ song and dance before. And what happens, in my experience, is that when we do meet, as long as the physical chemistry is there, we fall right into it. New relationship energy takes over, BDSM intensifies it even more, and three months in I wake up next to him and realize, [laughing while reading] “I don’t even really like this person. I probably wouldn’t have dated him if he wasn’t kinky.”
That did not go where I expected it to go. I know it sounds like I’m only reading these for the first time, and it kind of is like that, because I read them when they come in and then I don’t look at them again until I do the podcast. [slight laugh] So, because I’ve got a terrible memory, they really are surprises to me. So it doesn’t just seem like that, it really is like that.
Now she’s got – I love this email so much – she’s got capitals now:
I’m SO SCARED, FERNS, OF THIS HAPPENING AGAIN!! AAAAAHH!!
The thing about this one, this boy, is that we seem to have a lot in common outside of kink. I have found myself musing that I would be interested in dating him, proud to date him, even if we were vanilla. That seems like it should be a given, but it’s literally never happened for me before.
So maybe it’s a match made in D/s heaven, but here’s the REST of the Scoop:
[tongue click] Hang on, there’s more.
– We have plans to meet. Completely platonic plans. I think?
– I’m not sure if he even knows I’m interested!?
[intake of breath] What?!
And I’m not 100% confident HE’S interested!?
We both seem to be dancing nervously around each other avoiding the question?
I just don’t know how to move forward with him. I’m not sure if I should:
(a) Maul him on site and risk us getting pulled into the cloyingly sweet embrace of new relationship energy (and therefore risk another months-in wakeup call of, oh, the sex/kink is great but this wasn’t the right decision).
(b) Try to restrain myself and express interest in vanilla-dating him until we really, truly know each other (because after past experiences, I’m a firm believer that you can’t really KNOW a person if your only interaction has been online or over text)
(c) Act like he doesn’t keep me up at night with thoughts of him and just be his friend for a while to REALLY get to know him, and then maybe I’ll get lucky and HE’LL make the first move (yeah right).
You seem to be an expert in the online [laugh] to in-person transition, which has gone so catastrophically wrong for me in the past. I need your wisdom, Ferns.
And it’s signed, G.
Oh, G, I like you so much. I so want this to work out for you! [laugh]
I – I love that you’re all “Oh my god” over him. I think that’s awesome.
I a hundred percent agree with you about the transition; it’s hard. And… when it works, you can be all-in from day one and that, you are absolutely right, can hide a lot of incompatibilities. So, my advice would be none of those three that you suggested. [laugh]
I think when… or maybe even before you meet him, doesn’t really matter when, I think you should express that interest. Because putting it on the table is helpful. And that doesn’t mean you have to do the thing. I would suggest you put your interest on the table and give him a plan – which you have to make up! So, the reason I say put it on the table upfront is because then there’s no equivocation. If he isn’t interested, then you want to know right now. Like, if you say, “Look, I’m interested in a, in a full-on relationship here, with, uh, love, sex, D/s – D/s fabulousness” and he says, “Ohh, I never thought about you that way…” Done. Great.
If you put the plan on the table, that’s for both of you. He will think it’s just for him, but really, it’s for both of you. And it can help you take control of that new relationship energy that has spoilt things in the past and hidden that basic incompatibility that you wake up with months later.
So the plan might – it doesn’t have to be a detailed plan, but what I mean by a plan is to, and to verbalise it, is to say, “Right, look, I’m interested in this with you. When we meet, this is what I have in mind to get into this with you, ’cause you’re awesome!” And then say, have, you know, I don’t know, pick a time frame. Three weeks? Three weeks of vanilla dating, just vanilla stuff, we hang out, we do things together, we see how we get along, we play video games, we binge watch things, whatever. And there can be some cute, you know, kissy, suck-face stuff in there. Maybe you don’t do too much of that because new relationship energy, you know, will take you over.
And then you say, “Right, well, after the three weeks, if we still get along, we spend three weeks doing some light D/s play that will only include, you know, a certain number of things, so you’re essentially holding everything back. And, if it goes well, you will feel it. You will feel it from all that, you know, hanging out doing… not D/s [laugh] stuff. You will feel it strongly.
So by the time then, if you stick to this plan, by the time you let loose, hopefully you will have a good idea of whether you really like-like him or if you just thought you liked him. So, yeah, that’s my advice.
On the other hand, I do think, actually, that part of holding back just makes everything worse, you know what I mean? [laugh] But, look, I’ve got nothing else! I’ve got nothing else. That’s all I’ve got.
I hope you will drop me a note and let me know how it goes. And I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.
[Laughing] This one starts:
I meet a boy online who is so naturally, beautifully, painfully submissive. Only he doesn’t seem to know it, or much of anything about BDSM. I know, I know you should never just assume anyone’s preferences, or role – and I didn’t! I know he is down with some kink and likes me to get bossy, so two months in I told him about my interest in D/s and he was fine with it. He seemed interested, but not terribly ecstatic.
My issue is his sexual experience in general is veryyy limited, and since he’s so desperate to please (honestly) and I’m sure to get laid, I’m concerned he’s only saying he’s into it to, well, get laid. I don’t ever want to make someone do something they don’t want to. Should I trust his…Did I just answer myself? Trust?
[Tongue click] I think, I think you sound lovely, and he sounds lovely. And it’s great that you’re concerned about him. I’m not sure how old you are, but I assume you’re both very young.
So, if you’re – and which you seem to be wanting to – if you’re wanting to play with him, or have sex with him, or do a, some sort of play/sex combo, which would be [singing] awe-some, I suggest you very clearly lay out the things you would like to do with him. Like write it down. Um, you met online, so you’re used to that level of, that type of communication, and I, I have done this with casual partners, not that I play casually much at all, but if I do play casually, I do a “might do” list. And it’s not things I’m definitely going to do with him, but here are the things I might like to do with you. And then I write them down. And then I ask him to review it, and to say “yes” or “no”. And I keep it pretty light, because I don’t know them well and I think with your situation you’d be well placed to keep it very light.
And he’s probably going to say yes to all of it [laugh] because light D/s and light kink sounds always super sexy and fabulous. And when you go into it, just keep checking in with him. And you can do that without spoiling the mood if you just ask him, “Do you want this?” or “Do you want more of this?” or “Tell me you want more of this.” That’s totally not going to spoil the mood. And monitor his reactions very carefully. I think there’s also a place for a debrief afterwards, when everything has settled down, to see how he feels about it. Because I think a lot of times, if they have no experience, whether it’s sexual experience or BDSM experience everything is great in the moment, and afterwards they feel gross and bad and wrong, and I think you need to be very aware of that also.
The other thing with the sexual inexperience… I would probably recommend is that you get comfortable sexually first, without any BDSM stuff, so that you get to learn his reactions and get to learn how he responds and what he likes without the added layer first. And then he will probably be a lot more comfortable in an environment with BDSM play which might introduce some more intensity. So, yeah, take it slow, check in, ask him stuff.
Good luck with it.
Can you give us a rough estimate of the ratio…
The ratio! I have to drink now. This is a rule. Once someone mentions the ratio you have to have a drink. [takes drink]
Can you give us a rough estimate of the ratio of dominant women to genuinely submissive men [slight laugh] (wankers excluded) in munches, play parties, etc and online? Is it really true or is it just nonsense that their are a hundred submissive men to one domme? Or does it depend on the city you live in? What can you say on this?
I DEMAND ANSWERS!
He didn’t say, “I demand answers.”
Um, of course it’s a he. I know it’s a he because this is where these questions always come from. Look… online, always, always, many, many more self-identified submissive men to dominant women. How many of those are wankers? [exhales] Ah. I’d say… Look, you know, I can pull some stat out of the air, can’t I? Ninety percent. Ninety percent of them are wankers! How do I know? ‘Cause they’ve all been in my inbox. That’s how I know.
Um, in real life, it’s very different. In real life, in a lot of communities, women run femdom events, and they cannot get men to turn up. So that complaint is not uncommon. But, yes, of course it depends where you are and how big the city is and all sorts of factors. So, my advice to you, dear padawan, is: forget about it.
If you are… a smart, funny, awesome, intelligent human being who can treat dominants as, you know, human beings, you are already in the top one percent. You’re – [laughing] my congratulations for that! The advantage of there being so much badness out there, or simply a lack of submissive men, is that the good ones stand out a mile. So, I can tell within one second whether someone who’s landed in my inbox is a good one or not. It’s easy. So be that one percent. And then the ratio doesn’t matter.
Oh. I said ratio. I have to drink again.
[laugh] Ah. This is a cute one.
Is that a smiley below at the end of your homepage on the left side? I guess I am the first who noticed it!
And then there is a big smile.
P.S : You are the best and I looooovvvvve you. [laugh]
Keep on writing please never ever stop. I absolutely love your blog and Ferns you are so fabulous!
Thank you so much, that made me smile. And, yes, that is a smiley down at the end of my home page, and you are not the first to notice it, but you are one of the very, very few who has noticed it, so thanks for paying such close attention.
And for the compliments.
Now, this next one is an odd one because it landed in my inbox, as they all do, and when I read it I thought, “Uh, that’s a little bit odd” and I closed it and I thought, that’s okay, I get odd things all the time, and I realised, uh, a little bit later that is was from my ex submissive.
If you read my blog, you will know that he contacted me at the end of last year. Um, sent me quite a long email. I think he was drunk, he was travelling. [Laugh] He had some things to say. Which were not really about me, or us, or our history. They were about him. And… I didn’t quite know what to do with that, because we had not been in touch… for years. And… so it was surprising and strange when it landed in my inbox.
And I replied to him on my blog, because there was no… um… what’s the word… there was not going to be a positive outcome that I could see for myself in replying personally to him. Because either he’d reply back to me, and it would peter out, or he would not reply. And either way there was no good going to come out of it.
So I replied on my blog because I wanted to acknowledge that I got it, and I understand the instinct to reach out, and I appreciate it. Which is a strange thing to say, but I do. There is no hard feeling there. There is a lot of lingering affection, but I know what it took me to get over him and I couldn’t open that door. So…
So I’m going to read this out. And it’s a little – it’s strange, because he obviously is wanting to reach out, and that’s cool. But he could have sent me an email, right? Which he didn’t. So maybe he wants to hear me talking to him. I don’t know.
But I hear you, I see you. And… yeah, I’m still here. So this is what it said:
My plan is just to contact you whenever I’m out of the country.
He didn’t start with, “Hello Ma’am”… which felt strange to me. And which is why I didn’t recognise that it was from him. At first.
Hi, am in Switzerland this time. It is very Swiss. And also French. An author has brought me here.
And then he gave me the name of a talk he is going to give, which I’m not going to share here, obviously. He says:
This the title of my talk, which will last 5 minutes. I really do hope you’re doing well out there. I first typo-ed that “I hop you’re doing well.” This country allows prostitutes but not marijuana. It’s all fondue, [laugh] like the American midwest in the late ’70s.
And then he signed off with his initial.
It’s strange, no? [softly] It is.
But I see you.
I hear you. I hope you’re doing well too.
And the next one:
What actually is the difference between bedroom-only submissive and a bottom? I am quite confused on this.
Definitions in BDSM are the worst. [laughing] Seriously.
Because as soon as you try and define something there will be a million people going, “No it’s not. I’ve never used it like that!”
Um. For me, then (I like to qualify my definitions), for me the difference is that submission is, comes from a very different place than, bottoming. So, whether it’s in the bedroom only, or only in certain circumstances, a submissive submits. So when they’re in the bedroom, a submissive will go, “I am here for you. You’re the dominant, I’m the submissive, go wild, woman.” [laugh]
Whereas a bottom is more about certain, getting certain sensations.
So the submissive, the D/s part exists, even if it’s only in the bedroom, a submissive gives up power, gives up authority, and the dominant runs the show. They do the things that they want within whatever agreement they’ve negotiated together. And it’s still D/s. Whereas a top/bottom exchange is not about giving over authority. A bottom can, in fact, run the show. And it’s still topping and bottoming. A bottom may be behaving as a submissive, and there’s a whole grey area there, but it’s not necessary.
So if I say to, someone, I want you to spank me thirty-six times, I’m bottoming, but I’m not submitting. And if during that spanking I go, “No, not like that, like this,” again, I’m still bottoming, but I’m certainly not being submissive. So, if you’re submissive in the bedroom, you’re still submissive. If you’re bottoming in the bedroom, you’re not necessarily submissive. That’s the difference.
And… I think this is the last one:
What are the most common deal breakers and hard limits among submissive men, and dominant women that you know of ? What are your’s and of your partners? I am new to BDSM and stuff and still learning and also, what should I know before going in a munch for the first time and what can I expect from it, given I am shy [laugh]… given I am shy as fuck and living abroad so I don’t how thats gonna work.
Kinda hoping submissive men from halfway around the world are in great demand XD……Help a brother out please.
Look, I, I think the most common deal breakers are very extreme things. And a lot of them people don’t even mention them like, scat. I mean, I don’t even know why people mention it as a hard limit on their profiles [laughing] because it’s sooo rare that someone wants it that, why bother?
But everybody has their own limits. So I don’t – I get the impression that you’re concerned about yours. And don’t be concerned about them. Your limits are what they are. And whatever they are, that’s fine. You just have to find someone who agrees with you. So for some it might be heavy impact, and for others that’s no big deal. Yeah, so, I don’t – I don’t know, I think the most common ones are things that are really extreme. I think needles is a pretty common deal breaker, but for some people that’s their bread and butter, right? So, yeah.
What should I know before going to a munch? Well, how did you find the munch? Here’s my question for you. If you found it on FetLife, here’s what you should do: Contact the organiser. Tell them you’re new, tell them you’re form abroad, tell them you’re nervous and shy, and hopefully they will go, “Don’t you worry, sweetheart, I will come and meet you at the door and I will introduce you to people.” And you can ask them what to expect from their munch.
Generally a munch is just a bunch of people at, you know, a local cafe who are getting together to get to know each other a little bit. It’s not kinky, it’s not scary – anymore than meeting, you know, people from a Meetup group. There may be some kink talk, but often there’s not. There’s probably going to be talk about, you know, things that happened at an event or an event that’s coming up, and who’s going, and that sort of thing, which can be useful. But it really is just people having a chitchat.
But you find out that Jürgen, [laugh] I don’t know where you are, [laughter] that Jürgen likes to knit hats. And that Svelta [more laughter] – I’m just making up names now – Svelta is an avid baker and she has a special recipe for cookies. And you might be able to get that recipe and that would be awesome. So, yeah, try not to be too scared. But contact the organiser and often they will go out of their way to make new people feel comfortable.
So I have [laugh] a late entry. You just made it in. Um.
I kind of feel this one is personal but, you know, it’s hard to tell.
If a guy has failed twice to deliver on his word to a lady, feels terrible about it, and really wants to make it up to her, and show her that he’s learned to DFB…
Um he’s got in brackets “do better” – I assume that’s “Do Fucking Better”
…not just in that area but in all areas where he gives his word, is there any way he can restore his credibility to her, or is he pretty much doomed to be disbelieved by said woman every time he says he’s going to do something for the rest of his or her natural life?
A guilty subscriber, whose new motto is DFB.
PS – I definitely did feel shy to ask you this one.
Are you talking to me? [laugh] Because it sounds like you might be talking to me.
[reproachfully] Did you disappoint me? [tsk, tsk, tsk noises] Shame, shame, shame.
Look, here’s the deal: it depends on her. [Laugh]
That’s not useful, is it? Personally, two times is two times too many. Like, what are you doing? I think there are a lot of people who are much more forgiving than me. For me, I just lose interest. I just think well, you know, it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Unless there’s some huge reason why you didn’t do the thing. Twice [with the twice drawn out].
I assume the reason that you’re feeling bad about it now is because there were consequences. And those consequences were that she told you to fuck off. [laughter] I shouldn’t laugh. But, gee, it’s funny.
Because, you know what? Most people who behave poorly, and I’m sure you’re a nice person and I’m sure you’re not, you know, deliberately horrible or terrible or anything like that, but the reason that – and I, I want to say men, because this is what I see out in the world, but I’m sure it happens the other way around, but I’m going to stick with men – the reason men treat women poorly, is because there are no consequences. They do the most terrible – like just awful, inconsiderate, rude, shitty things, and the women in their lives go, “That’s okay, honey, because you said sorry.” And then they do it again. And again, and again. And people [slight laugh] have different tolerances for that behaviour.
So obviously this person forgave you once. And then you did it again. And she went, “Nup.” And I can totally relate to that.
So all you can do… is apologise. Don’t make excuses, just say you’re sorry, you realised you fucked it up, and wish her well. If you want to say that if she will give you another chance, that you’re going to do fucking better, then by all means do that, and then leave her alone. Because, yeah, you’ve broken her trust. And, for whatever reason, you did it twice. And I think you had enough chances there, didn’t you? And this is the consequence.
So I think doing fucking better in future is a really, really good idea. So you go ahead, live your life, and Do Fucking Better.
Good luck with that.
So that’s the end of the podcast. And I appreciate you coming along. If you would like to ask me something, I would adore it. If you go to my blog, domme-chronicles.com, you will see the Ask Me option in the menu. Again, it is completely anonymous, so I will not know who you are; so you can just ask me whatever. So thank you for listening, and I shall speak to you next time.
My expression of love is by mostly spending quality time and giving gifts and I feel loved by acts of service ,although I am a submissive and I sincerely hope that service isn’t reserved just for dominants ;)
*smile* ‘Acts of service’ take different forms and I do think there are many many dominants who happily show love that way.
I especially liked your answer to the first question. To me, any relationship that I have must grow organically. Of course, there are many things that I would like to know about any potential partner, but I don’t feel the need to have a specific “list” of questions to ask.
Also, I liked your very simple explanation of the difference between being a submissive and a bottom.
… And of course, your lovely, un-accented voice is always a pleasure to listen to. :-D
Thank you: I’m glad you enjoyed it :).
This is one of your best podcasts. Great questions and answers. Also, I like your accent-free voice.
One of my best? Ooh, big call, thank you. And my accent-free voice IS pretty sweet :).
Thank you :D
You are most welcome: Thank you for your question :).