Reader Q&A: Spotting submissives, pro work, casual play, loveliness

Oh how they pile up when I’m not looking: I do love that *smile*.

Let’s not waste time then!


Ik neem aan dat Nederlands moet lukken … ik waag het er tenminste op.

Het idee om voor je te koken (naakt of in wat je ook wil dat ik voor je draag) is al een lekkere gedachte. Dat ik dan binnen de kortste keren vastgebonden op je bed kan liggen is helemaal heerlijk.

U heeft vast nog wel van die kinky dingen op voorraad :-)

*smile* Yes, Dutch works. And yes, I am full of the good ideas, and many more of them that I never share…



Hi Ferns,

I am young and a virgin, but I know that when I do become sexually active I will be a naturally dominant woman. But in all of my previous relationships the guys have behaved in a dominant way towards me.

I feel like this is kind of a stupid question, but I’m asking anyway because I’m worried about it. Are there any signs – even tiny ones – that a guy might be a natural submissive? Because I would like to find one…

Thanks very much,

Hello Beth,

It’s not a stupid question at all and boy do I wish I had a good answer for you! Oh how I wish there were signs! Truly I do. You aren’t the lone ranger there.

The main problem is that submissive behaviours are often ALSO the realm of non-submissive men in love or in lust or in infatuation… they all behave in quite similar ways towards a woman in whom they are interested.

They pay attention to your likes and dislikes and act on them, they put your interests first, they ensure that you are comfortable and happy, they defer to your decisions etc. A whole range of wonderful men will behave that way if they like you, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY ARE SUBMISSIVE. I’ve written a bit about vanilla vs D/s submissives, so if you want to take a look it talks a bit more about this.

My only useful bit of information here is that if they DON’T behave that way, they aren’t the man (or the submissive) for you.

So yeah, sorry. I got nothin’ :(.



As of very recently I’ve received a very nice ($$$) offer by a man that wants me to be his financial dominatrix. We’ve arranged everything and are to meet once every two weeks, the only issue is I’ve never been a “domme”. He’s told me of his previous relationship and said his old domme was into humiliation and physical abuse. I’m confident that I can do a good job, but what exactly falls under humiliation? I know communication is key but some beginners tips would be great. Thanks!!

Hmmm… beginner’s tips are difficult with so little information:

A financial dominatrix is not the same as a professional dominatrix. You used the ‘findom’ term up front, but then described a ‘pay for play’ scenario which is a pro-dom arrangement.

For financial domination, the giving of money IS the kink: it’s not a payment for services. For professional domination, the giving of money is payment for BDSM sessions. Women can do both, or mix them up, but I wanted to clarify that your use of the terms might be incorrect.

You are right about communication being key. There is no ‘one fits all’ for humiliation. What one person might find excruciatingly humiliating in a hot way another might find ridiculous and funny.

I answered a Q&A about humiliation for another newcomer in this post (look for the phrase “Humiliation is a hugely broad area”). I hope that helps.

Best of luck!



Dearest Ferns,

I haven’t had much luck in finding a boy *sad face * However I have met plenty who want to play. I know that these guys won’t be the shining star I’m searching for but I do really want to play. Do you ever just play?

Casual play is a very personal thing, and if you want to do it, and you can communicate your desires and expectations well enough to navigate it successfully, then go for it!

I don’t just play, no. When I was first exploring I did because I was hungry for experience, but even then it wasn’t a lot. The cost of casual play is too high for me: even if I enjoy the play itself, it makes me drop like a stone afterwards. I’m left wallowing in a whole bunch of badness in the aftermath. That cost is just not worth it for me.

But plenty of people do it and enjoy it immensely, and if you can, then go for it!



You’re an inspiration to me, I love your musings.

Oh, that’s so lovely! Thank you so much *smile*.



I wish is that i want to smell the underarm of mistress. For that the mistress has to whip me.

When you have a specific fetish that you want satisfied, and a specific way that the mistress ‘has to’ behave, you really would be best off to find a professional Domme to do that scene with you. Your fetish is not uncommon, and I’m sure there would be plenty of pro-Dommes who would do that for you.



Have you done a book tour? Will you? I think that would be absolutely grand (:

*laugh* I have not, and I will not, but I take this question as a huge compliment, thank you. I think it would be absolutely grand also, but unless someone wants to sponsor such a tour with no hope of getting their investment back, it’s not going to happen.

Anyone who DOES want to sponsor such a tour (are you mad?!), please don’t hesitate to contact me. My bag is packed, I’m ready to go…



After being very impressed by your Fetlife posts since I joined, I finally got around to checking out your blog (which I just finished reading from beginning to end). I relate to a *lot* of the stuff you write about how you approach dominance and what you want from a submissive, and I only hope that I become as good a Domme as you seem to be.

Thank you so much for reading from beginning to end *smile*. Wow! That makes me so happy!

I’m so glad you can relate to what I write. I always love when it resonates with other dominant women.

I really appreciate the kind words: thank you for taking the time to drop me such a lovely note!



fyi it looks like the submissive in seattle link is redirecting. maybe they didn’t renew their url.

Thanks for letting me know. Peroxide had a little glitch in his funding for the blog, but it’s all sorted now so he’s back! Yay!



I just came across your blog and I have to say it’s fantastic. I somehow find good writing very erotic and you did the trick for me.
What advice do you have for a person who lives in a community with no interest in BDSM at all? I have been interested in it for a long time now and sadly can’t find anyone to share my interests. I have always wanted to experiment new stuff to know how it feels. Honestly, its getting frustrating.

Hello there,

Thank you for the lovely compliment.

I obviously have no idea where you are located, but I suggest you go and take a look at Fetlife where you can find groups and events in your area (or in your case, perhaps in the closest bigger city). Obviously if you really are in the middle of a very conservative country with no BDSM community and no ability to travel, you are indeed in a bind.

Joining in online can give you a sense of community and support. It’s a good way to feel less isolated and to get to know like minded people, and make friends (even if they are remote from you).

As to more involvement, there are people who play and have online relationships, and that might go some way to help if you have no other choice. Maybe take a look at a site like Secondlife which has quite a few online BDSM communities.

Good luck.



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  1. Thank you SO MUCH, I thought I was the only one who has trouble with casual play. I have only done it once and the 5-day drop was no joke.

    On spotting submissive men, back in high school someone confided to me that he was into strong women. He was quite emphatic about it. Do you think he was trying to tell me something?

    On finding community, I’d just add a caution about FetLife. It’s easier to find abrasive angry people there than friends. I’d say it’s important not to dwell on how strangers misunderstand you.

    1. “Thank you SO MUCH, I thought I was the only one who has trouble with casual play. I have only done it once and the 5-day drop was no joke.”

      You’re so welcome, and no you certainly aren’t the only one!

      “On spotting submissive men, back in high school someone confided to me that he was into strong women. He was quite emphatic about it. Do you think he was trying to tell me something?”

      Ha! Good for him! And maybe he was :).

      I had some very strong hints from a work colleague of mine (I wrote about it a bit here), but I still wasn’t at all sure if it *meant* anything (and I wasn’t interested in him, so didn’t want to open a can of worms by asking).

      “On finding community, I’d just add a caution about FetLife. It’s easier to find abrasive angry people there than friends. I’d say it’s important not to dwell on how strangers misunderstand you.”

      True enough, it can be rough: It IS the internet after all. And yes to caution: I think if people are unkind about something very personal to you, it can be really horrible.

      I tend to think (hope?) that local groups where people actually know each other have a different flavour.


  2. Speaking of book tours. Leaves me wondering if any of our stateside events might be looking for a beautiful, smart, funny, thoughtful presenter. Someone who has written a blog and a book. Perhaps on a topic like being a dominant woman, on beatings & sex, on power & vulnerability, on love & pain … all that stuff. And you all can buy an autographed copy of the book on your way out the door. Don’t crowd now, there’s enough for everyone.

    I’d be up for an event like that.

  3. Re. Beth’s inquiry, may I add to Ferns’ perceptive comments by saying that, for my penneth worth, a guy may well be gentle and subtle in how he broaches the subject. I’d suggest it’s the subtleties that tell, so ultimately, I think, for many people, this takes a little time. The old getting to know someone gig. And it can be a journey, a long journey sometimes, for everyone, of whatever persuasion.

    but believe. He is out there.

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