Shit Ferns Says #12

You know I missed number 4. That ‘shit I said’ list was apparently so lame, I didn’t even post it. Nobody cared. Nobody noticed. What I need is some decent stalkers who pay attention! Pay’s lousy and it’s pretty dull, but the position’s open. Just avoided an internet argument by using my ‘Shield of Who the Fuck Cares What You Think’ […]

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Shit Ferns says #11

Random stuff, no context…  …”all the best with all the oral sex you are going to be having…” and now I feel super creepy and weird… Yes, I AM too stupid to use sex toys, it’s TRUE! …people talking to my ass is just uncomfortable for everyone concerned… Well, okay, fine. I suction-cupped a dildo to the fridge. Doesn’t everyone do that? “If only you’d done your kegel exercises, […]

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Shit Ferns says #10

There is a contingent on Twitter whose sole purpose seems to be to create 140 characters of sickly love-related tweetery that is so corny and cringeworthy that I can feel my internal organs die a little each time one crosses my timeline. As sweetness between two individuals, I think a recipient might well adore it. But broadcast as ‘declarations of deep love’, […]

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Shit Ferns says #9

Random, no context.   The asked-for-cock-shot is the holy grail of cock shots, the zenith, the pinnacle, rare & precious The cycle of fapping is a wondrous thing… and so it goes… What you actually have to do involves unicorn sweat, fairy dust, rat poison & a hairless goat We’re not at a union negotiating table here… I am a cock shot repellent. […]

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Shit Ferns says #8

More randomness that made perfect sense at the time… I am a sensitive flower you know! A SENSITIVE FLOWER WITH GUNS, FUCKER! I feel like the proper answer to every thread is ‘If you are an idiot, stop posting, idiot’ A celebratory ‘fuck off!’ drink! I want to create a profile called MistressDerp and then post derpy face pics and say derpy things. […]

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Shit Ferns says #7

Random things, no context. I’m piloting that potpourri right into a herd of puppies!! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!! And no, really, a cock is a boy-handle, if you want to get technical Vs dressed up as if your partner is a box of stupid and everyone wants to own the box of stupid Because the internet is all your fault? […]

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Shit Ferns says #6

Random shit I spewed out at people. No zing zing with the pussy pussies! I will practice a gloat-covered sheepish victory dance If someone says ‘you are too nice’, they are trying to avoid saying ‘you are boring and have no genitals’. I am liking leaf number three, leaf number three is obviously superior to leaves number one or two, […]

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Shit Ferns says #5

Random stuff, no context… Suddenly, I will be cunty mcfuckface and you will be all ‘woah! WTF?’ and I’ll be all “Yeah IN YER FACE!!” DICK! Also, he’s probably RACIST. I have dubbed the annoying pain in my side ‘Harold’. Harold is short and pudgy and sweaty and very annoying. I have given him a name so I can say things like “Fucking Harold wouldn’t leave me alone today!” […]

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Shit Ferns says #3

Random out of context stuff that I have said recently. It’s its own special ‘thing’, like a ‘thing’ you read about when you read about ‘things’ that aren’t like other ‘things’… Un-coffeed, I am kind of mean You totally win injury finger porn wars!!! I think Hitty McHitty-on-er-ton was over in the other corner with the fit brunette in the tiny shorts… I think you absolutely *must* say something about your ‘journey’, […]

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Shit Ferns says… #2

Random, out of context shit I said this week (first one is here). This is laziness recycling at its finest, folks! Ninja tiger gecko says nothing because hey, NINJA! You can’t even SEE that mofo! “Take this boring, pedestrian sex, bitch!”  I must collect these things for my ‘crazy old lady’ dotage Eek! Blinded by the glory of ninja tiger gecko! Rawwrr! […]

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