There were some conversations on Twitter today about the difference between a 24/7 D/s dynamic and a Female Led Relationship (FLR).
An expanded version of my tweet-thoughts on this below.
The upshot: To me they’re the same thing.
My goal is a 24/7 D/s dynamic.
In my 24/7 D/s dynamic (when I have one), I have the authority in our relationship.
I lead, he follows.
There may be carve-outs that we agree on: For example, I may not have authority over his work or family, we decide what works for us. And that may change over time.
But the bottom line is that in our relationship, at all times, I have the decision-making authority, and he honours that. I dominate, he submits.
I think when a lot of people hear ’24/7 D/s’, their first instinct is to go ‘you can’t! we have lives!’, because what they’re picturing is 24/7 role play or playtime. But that’s not what it means for folks who genuinely seek that or live it in any real sense.
And some folks who might baulk at hearing ’24/7 D/s’ may be a lot more comfortable with the term ‘FLR’. Oh a female led relationship, yeah, that sounds nice, I can see that…
To me, ‘D/s’ is just dominance (I say) and submission (he does), and ’24/7′ means that it’s an integral part of our relationship, that’s how we are all the time. And also to me, that’s exactly what an FLR is.
So I see them as the same.
As well as the misconception that 24/7 D/s means 24/7 shouty bitch role play and beatings, another misconception is that wanting 24/7 means I want to micromanage his activities every minute of the day. As if our life is a ‘scene’ or a play session. I 100% do not, and it’s not.
I’m not interested in sitting on his tail every minute of the day telling him what to do like he’s suddenly a mindless robot who needs help dressing himself instead of the amazing, smart, capable man he is. That makes no sense and of course it’s not workable.
I’m not only uninterested in the minutiae, there’s a ton of other crap I’m not at all interested in either.
And yay: As the d-type, I get to say “Not interested in that, just take care of it” if I want. Win!
So one day, I might want him to wear that blue shirt that makes his eyes look so pretty. And he will. Because D/s.
364 other days of the year, I might not care one bit what he wears. Wear whatever you like, baby. Though if he comes downstairs wearing those shorts he knows I hate, I’m just as likely to go “No, not those.” And he’ll go and change. Because D/s.
I can say, “I’ve booked dinner at the Thai restaurant at 7pm, wear your levis and that green t-shirt I like.”
I can say, “Sort out something for dinner, I don’t care.”
I can say, “Our next holiday is Turkey, here’s where we’re staying, this is what we’re doing while we’re there.”
I can say, “Somewhere warm for our next holiday, bring me some options.”
I can say, “Bring your arse over here so I can beat it to a pulp.”
I can say, “Stop what you are doing, and give me kisses.”
I can say, “Take the garbage out.”
I can say, “Come kneel here at my feet.”
Any and all of those are about D/s, and I can exercise mine in the ways I want anytime I want, and he will do it, because I say, he does.
In all of those, though, my authority is the last word.
Even if I’m not exercising it 24/7 over every little thing (and I will absolutely not be doing that), it exists as part of our fundamental relationship agreement, it hums along quietly in the background, and we both know that if I exercise it, he will jump to it.
I say, he does.
A difference some FLR subgroups (and definitely many FLR-devoted sites) draw between D/s and FLRs is that they are ‘ew’ on kink (while often still espousing kink activities with the odd caveat that ‘when we do it, it’s not ‘kink’, it’s CONTROL’. It’s a weird take: ‘We’re not like those dirty dirty kinksters, and anyway, let’s talk about chastity and spankings to keep your husband in line…’). I don’t know why, but yeah, that’s a whole thing.
Regardless, neither has to include kinky play: It’s a choice. I love kinky play so you better bet I’m having it. But if I didn’t, my 24/7 D/s relationship would be no less 24/7 OR D/s.
I think the idea of ‘FLRs’ grew out of trying to find a less scary way to introduce D/s to women since D/s (and ‘femdom’ in particular) has grown into a porntropia of woman-repelling glurge. It’s absolutely understandable.
I think there was then a push to wholly separate and differentiate FLR with the emphasis on relationship) as opposed to any kind of BDSM, and from that grew a kind of philosophical split between FLR and D/s.
But yeah, to me, 24/7 D/s and FLRs are, in all practical ways, the exact same thing.
Opinions vary wildly of course, and that’s just fine.
I don’t expect anyone else to have the same view as me and I don’t assume they do.
At their core, labels are conversation-starters, that’s all.
So if you care enough about how a particular person sees it, you have to have that conversation, and that’s pretty much always the case with relationships :).