Something between us

There is something between us.

He felt it early on, some pull towards me, ghosts of our D/s relationship tugging at something in him.

You still have a hold over me. How? Why?
I hate it.
Is there something about submitting to a person that can never be undone?

He has never submitted to anyone else, so it makes sense that as he has unravelled past hurts and the idea of submission comes tentatively floating back, it would be tied to me. I’m his link to that part of himself. His only one. All of the intense emotions, the impossible … Continue Reading

Loves: 15
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On not feeling loved

I’ve written about the things I screwed up in my relationship with my First and touched on how I didn’t feel loved.

One of the things that I learnt from that relationship is that submissive behaviours can obscure traits that I would have seen a mile off in a vanilla man, but didn’t yet have the experience to see in a submissive. If you overlay ‘submission’ on a relationship, it can be harder to pinpoint where a feeling of disquiet is coming from (the same is true of dominants of course) because the agreed D/s behaviours can hide what’s underneath. … Continue Reading

Loves: 10
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Short circuiting

My First: Are you sure the wine and yourself haven’t made each other’s acquaintance tonight?
Me: Shush!
First: Yes Ma’am

First: That’s the first thing you’ve instructed me to do since we moved apart
Me: I was thinking VERY IMPORTANT THINGS! Stop short circuiting me!
First: Sorry Ma’am
Me: Bzzzttttt

Seriously, I can’t put a coherent thought together now. Holy fuck.


Apparently some things retain their power.… Continue Reading

Loves: 9
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I was whispering in his ear, so close, touching every part of him.

The image was crystal clear in my head, I spilled it into him.

A white room, clean, featureless, stark.

He is the only thing that spoils its perfect sterility.

He is tied down in the middle over a white block. The block is also white, waist-height, sharp edges.

He is face down, his body laid out, helpless. He is in pain, sharp edges digging into him, his muscles straining. He is silent with it. His wrists almost reach the ground, his arms stretched. If he could make … Continue Reading

Loves: 12
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First meeting and onwards

My First and I met in a BDSM chat room, on IRC. I can’t remember the details. What I remember is that we were attracted to each other, got chatting, emailing, talking, we exchanged photos. There was definitely something there.

He was some 6 years younger at 25, lived about 900kms away, had just finished his masters. He was restless, was looking to move, he was unhappy where he was, I can’t remember why exactly. He had had what to me seemed like a lot of BDSM experience: lots of different partners, lots of different kinds of public play, lots … Continue Reading

Loves: 8
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I found a copy of my old hand-coded blog from the time my First and I were in our relationship. I wonder if there was a private journal also, but I haven’t taken the time to really look for it. My blog at the time was also BDSM-focussed (oh, what a surprise!), documenting my early explorations and relationships, but the content is frustratingly sporadic and incomplete. My play posts about my First were based on what I wrote there.

My First had access to the blog (indeed, the first time he told me he loved me, he wrote it in … Continue Reading

Loves: 6
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Conversations with my First

In case you don’t normally read comments, my First has contributed some thoughtful perspectives in the comments of these posts about him (he posts as Her First):


I had a blog around the time that we were in a relationship, possibly some journals also. I was curious enough about how I felt at the time to go looking for them.

I found the blog content and some old emails. My blog writing is cold, factual, brutally honest, especially given I know my First read it (he wrote in it at least once). Quite … Continue Reading

Loves: 2
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