I’m struggling a little, let’s be honest here.
I’m still tweeting, still posting on Fetlife, I’m still producing audio porn, I even recorded a new podcast (coming soon, though an early unedited version is up on my Patreon!) but for here, for my blog, my mind is empty.
The first of the above is daily frippery, the second is direct responses to questions, the third is based on content that already exists, and the fourth was a ton of will-do–this-thing-dammit mental energy. And none are comparable to what I do here on the blog.
What I do here is share femdom-related thoughts that are swirling in my brain, and I share the personal femdommery that is going on in my life.
My mind is full, it’s over-thinking, all the time frantically buzzing away, but none of it is relevant. And there is pretty much nothing going on in my personal life because the idea of any kind of dating, or even trying to make connections, is fucking exhausting and impractical.
I’ve been keeping myself busy doing ‘things’. You know what it’s like. I’m sure you do.
Right now, I am baking cauliflower for lunch. I changed my blog theme (which, yes, it looks the same and that is a testament to my mad skillz :P), I go to pilates, I went for a bike ride yesterday, I shop for groceries, I meditate, I help my family out with tech stuff, I cook some food, I helped a friend mock up a website, I binge-watch everything, I eat garbage, I fritter away the hours on little projects that require no real brain-power, I count my blessings.
By all measures, I’m doing just fine.
But yeah, I’m struggling. I know I’m lucky. I am safe, my loved ones are well, but the world is heavy, and I haven’t wanted to bring it here. I resolved way back when to NOT bring it here.
But then what’s left?
If I try and bypass all the heft, there is still this ever-present white-noise in my brain because the weight is ever-present. It drowns out anything that requires me to cohesively organise my thoughts, to do anything with purpose, to make things happen. The smallest things require supreme effort.
We are, I think, many of us, treading water.
I listened to a meditation this morning where the speaker said she writes kindness to herself, a journalling as if she was speaking to someone who was struggling, and she writes to herself from a place of compassion and unconditional love.
“I’m right here. I’ve got you. I love you.”
Not going to lie: It hit home for me.
I have not been very kind to myself.
I’m angry with myself for not doing better, I worry endlessly about everything, real and imagined, I feel constantly guilty because I am supremely privileged and have no real hardship here, I feel self-indulgent for the fuzzy mess of mush that is my mind, tell myself off for everything, all the time, I am frustrated for not being able to kick myself back into gear, and then I feel ashamed about all of that.
I have not been very kind to myself.
I suspect many of you haven’t been so great at that either.
So let me say this, as much a message to myself as one to send outward to you, with love:
Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Be compassionate. Be loving.
You got up this morning: Go you, you’re doing great. There is not a hint of sarcasm in that. I’m serious. You’re. Doing. Great.
Don’t beat yourself up for not being productive, for not ‘getting things done with all this free time’ (write that book!, get fit!, clean the garage!, bake that bread!, learn that language!) or some similar shit. It’s garbage.
You put one foot in front of the other, and that’s enough.
I’d like to invite you, dear ones, to leave some positivity here in the comments from you, to yourself. If you were your own best friend, if you were speaking from unconditional love and compassion, if you said what you needed to hear from someone right now, what would you say? I, for one, would love to hear it.
I’m going to leave you with this because it’s fun and it made me laugh and because I gather up these small pleasures like precious gems.
And in case you missed it, I created a gentle meditation with themes of calm, self-love, self-care, and affirmations. If that sounds like something you might enjoy, go give it a listen.