I want to say up-front that I love newbie submissives, I do. They’re so shiny :). My last submissive was a newbie and he was utter perfection.
But (you knew there was a ‘but’ coming, right? :P) I don’t have the patience or interest for those whose emotional intelligence doesn’t extend to believing in my humanity. That is *not* a situation I’m going to put myself in, fighting to be seen as human, and if I get a whiff of it with a newbie, I’m out.
There’s a school of thought that some newbies have internalised where they conflate BDSM play and F/m relationships, and then wrongly come to the conclusion that an F/m relationship is about 24/7 humiliation and degradation and beatings etc. This comes not just from submissive men, either. Some new dominant women sometimes think this as well.
I see TONS of questions related to this misconception. They vary, but two common ones are these:
From new dominant women:‘How do I stay ‘on’ so my submissive will do what I want? It’s exhausting to be sexy-mean all the time.’
From new submissive men: ‘I like femdom stuff, but I don’t think I’d like someone being mean to me all the time, so am I really submissive?’
The result of these misconceptions is often a mess of badness.
It means new folks often think that real F/m relationships are a myth, and/or they think dominant women are horrible people.
So here’s some simple information to try and cut through that noise:
There’s ‘BDSM play’, and there’s ‘living in a D/s relationship’. They are not the same thing.
The first is all the kinky-hot stuff (humiliation, degradation, beatings, pegging, chastity, etc etc).
The second is going out for dinner, Xmas with the family, doing the grocery shopping, cuddling on the couch, etc where the dominant may have some agreed authority.
I think folks who’ve never met any real BDSMers, and who get all their information from the loudest parts of femdom internet (including porn and prodomme and findom marketing), can end up with this impression that what they see out there is ‘how femdom relationships work’.
If that’s you, what you’re seeing is BDSM play-related content catering to men’s fetishes.
Or if you’re seeing that hot content with the teary-eyed, sobbing sub’s face, the cane marks on their butt all bright purple from the strength of a severe beating, posted by real-life people in real-life F/m relationships, you’re seeing a tiny snippet of their play, not their relationship in its entirety.
Conflating BDSM play with ‘how a D/s relationship works’ is akin to thinking that what’s shown in vanilla porn and in advertising by vanilla sex workers reflects the average vanilla relationships. The reason you know that’s a ludicrous way to think is because you have actual-for-real models of actual-for-real vanilla relationships around you everywhere all the time.
That’s not the case with F/m relationships: There are no models to counter the impression you get from internet content.
So if you’re new, imagine, if you can, applying that same discerning eye that you automatically apply in a vanilla context where you EASILY differentiate between ‘sexually titillating content/hot-sexy/pro-marketing/porn’ and ‘what you know relationships are like’.
If you don’t think that happy, healthy, joyful F/m relationships are something that real every-day people have and can’t picture how they work, I have some advice for you:
- Broaden your sources of information into the educational: You can start here with my non-fiction booklist
- Get out and meet some real kinksters in real relationships (or, in these times, join online groups that aren’t fantasy based (and don’t be fooled by the ones that say they aren’t, but want you to use honorifics or behave like there’s a dynamic in place with all and sundry, they are fantasy-based. Find a different one for learning))
- Read about folks in real-life F/m relationships for a better-rounded view: Start here with my Happy Femdom Stories
- Apply that discerning eye that you’ve already honed for the vanilla world diligently in the BDSM world
So yeah, if you’re a newbie, do some work :).
. . .