I want to say up-front that I love newbie submissives, I do. They’re so shiny :). My last submissive was a newbie and he was utter perfection.
But (you knew there was a ‘but’ coming, right? :P) I don’t have the patience or interest for those whose emotional intelligence doesn’t extend to believing in my humanity. That is *not* a situation I’m going to put myself in, fighting to be seen as human, and if I get a whiff of it with a newbie, I’m out.
There’s a school of thought that some newbies have internalised where they conflate BDSM play and F/m relationships, and then wrongly come to the conclusion that an F/m relationship is about 24/7 humiliation and degradation and beatings etc. This comes not just from submissive men, either. Some new dominant women sometimes think this as well.
I see TONS of questions related to this misconception. They vary, but two common ones are these:
From new dominant women:‘How do I stay ‘on’ so my submissive will do what I want? It’s exhausting to be sexy-mean all the time.’
From new submissive men: ‘I like femdom stuff, but I don’t think I’d like someone being mean to me all the time, so am I really submissive?’
The result of these misconceptions is often a mess of badness.
It means new folks often think that real F/m relationships are a myth, and/or they think dominant women are horrible people.
So here’s some simple information to try and cut through that noise:
There’s ‘BDSM play’, and there’s ‘living in a D/s relationship’. They are not the same thing.
The first is all the kinky-hot stuff (humiliation, degradation, beatings, pegging, chastity, etc etc).
The second is going out for dinner, Xmas with the family, doing the grocery shopping, cuddling on the couch, etc where the dominant may have some agreed authority.
I think folks who’ve never met any real BDSMers, and who get all their information from the loudest parts of femdom internet (including porn and prodomme and findom marketing), can end up with this impression that what they see out there is ‘how femdom relationships work’.
If that’s you, what you’re seeing is BDSM play-related content catering to men’s fetishes.
Or if you’re seeing that hot content with the teary-eyed, sobbing sub’s face, the cane marks on their butt all bright purple from the strength of a severe beating, posted by real-life people in real-life F/m relationships, you’re seeing a tiny snippet of their play, not their relationship in its entirety.
Conflating BDSM play with ‘how a D/s relationship works’ is akin to thinking that what’s shown in vanilla porn and in advertising by vanilla sex workers reflects the average vanilla relationships. The reason you know that’s a ludicrous way to think is because you have actual-for-real models of actual-for-real vanilla relationships around you everywhere all the time.
That’s not the case with F/m relationships: There are no models to counter the impression you get from internet content.
So if you’re new, imagine, if you can, applying that same discerning eye that you automatically apply in a vanilla context where you EASILY differentiate between ‘sexually titillating content/hot-sexy/pro-marketing/porn’ and ‘what you know relationships are like’.
If you don’t think that happy, healthy, joyful F/m relationships are something that real every-day people have and can’t picture how they work, I have some advice for you:
- Broaden your sources of information into the educational: You can start here with my non-fiction booklist
- Get out and meet some real kinksters in real relationships (or, in these times, join online groups that aren’t fantasy based (and don’t be fooled by the ones that say they aren’t, but want you to use honorifics or behave like there’s a dynamic in place with all and sundry, they are fantasy-based. Find a different one for learning))
- Read about folks in real-life F/m relationships for a better-rounded view: Start here with my Happy Femdom Stories
- Apply that discerning eye that you’ve already honed for the vanilla world diligently in the BDSM world
So yeah, if you’re a newbie, do some work :).
. . .
17 comments
Thanks, Ms Ferns. I resonate with your explanations of the D/s and relationship worlds. Though everyone is different and relationships add to that variety, there is, as you point out, sources, strong and pervasive, that oppose this realistic understanding. My interactions with real and loving D/s people have been wonderful and counter the hyper-stimulation that people get seduced by from porn, for example though hardly limited to porn. (Not bashing porn.)
You’re most welcome, barry.
Ferns
The confusion is indeed present. This is a great post to understand the difference.
Thanks :).
Ferns
“I don’t have the patience or interest for those whose emotional intelligence doesn’t extend to believing in my humanity.”
When I first realized I was a Domme, I wasted a lot of time interacting with submissives lacking this skill. I endured a little heartbreak, and learned my lesson well.
I completely understand that. I think it often does take a while to realise what’s happening because you really have no frame of reference for it.
What I learnt (eventually) was that the trappings of D/s can hide a lot of that for a good while, so you have to experience it a few times before you can really put your finger on ‘ohhhhh, I see now!’
I’m sorry for your heartbreak, though. That’s always a hard way to learn a lesson :/.
Ferns
I’m so busy with her ordering me to stay tied up in a cage with marks all over me I don’t have time for this real life stuff you speak of here lol
I get sometimes some newbies not understanding some aspects of how Real Femdomme works but when it gets into the whole thinking of “I’ll be her slave she controls completely giving me beatings all day and demanding I serve her every need” it makes me question the person’s actual intelligence.
I hear you. And yeah, I do too.
Ferns
So do you, or any of your kind, see the humanity of the submissive male? From what I’ve gleened over the last several months of reading your blog and the comments of your readers, I think not. You, and people of your sexual persuasion, see them only as objects,, a thing whose only purpose is to serve as a vessel for your sexual appetites. Perhaps it would behelpful to follow the advice you are offering
“…going out for dinner, Xmas with the family, doing the grocery shopping, cuddling on the couch, etc.”
Yes, sounds terrible, definitely like I don’t see my submissive as a valued partner in a happy healthy relationship and definitely like I’m encouraging others to see submissives as mere objects.
You’ve been reading and commenting here for a while, Samuel, and you always see badness. I’m sorry for whatever happened that made you filter the world this way, but I genuinely suggest you talk to a kink-friendly therapist to work through it.
You’re obviously hurt and angry, and you keep reading content and skewing it to fit your negative view of D/s, and of dominant women in particular.
You aren’t going to find peace or happiness this way.
Ferns
“…going out for dinner, Xmas with family, doing the grocery shopping, cuddling on the couch….”
I think that Ferns is discussing Femdom outside the context of sex, fetishes, fantasies, playtime. If you think about it, most of life is not sex/fetishes, fantasy/play time. Most of life is mundane stuff, such as going to work, doing grocery shopping, taking out the garbage, etc.
Really, when discussing lifestyle F/m it implies a kind of matriarchy as applied to the mundane parts of life…of a man being subordinate to a woman in everyday life.
Well, I certainly hope things like ‘Xmas with family’ are outside of the context of sex, fetishes, fantasies and playtime :P.
Ferns
It’s interesting, I’ve found that unrealistic expectations stem not just from ignorance or misinformation, but also desperation. And I’ve been there. When all you can think about is submission, it gets consuming. Your imaginations runs wild and you have to focus on keeping grounded in reality. Yet another reason I’m glad your blog exists!
I’m glad you got something out of it :).
Ferns
Much of the problem (I believe this has been mentioned before) is the obscurity of lifestyle Femdom.
Even the basic idea of F/m is hardly discussed. (Other than kink/fetishes). One exception was a book I stumbled across in the public library-which advocated that dominant women tone it down so they can fit into traditional M/f marriages.
That subject in the book you refer to is the very reason why my 2 ex husbands are indeed exes. I am so not traditional in that way and it only took me 2 marriages to figure it out ;)
@Kim: LOL. Better than 3. Or 4 :P.
Ferns