Should I pay tribute?

There are a LOT of questions everywhere all the time from new submissives asking whether paying a tribute is a normal thing when looking for a personal or love-based F/m relationship.

Why do they ask this?

Often it’s because they’ve already handed over some money to someone and instead of it leading to a meeting and the start of a beautiful relationship, it led to, you guessed it, a request for more money. Or they’ve talked to any number of dominant women and at some point in the conversation, they all asked for money.

When it’s raised in discussions, some respondents to the question get all “well pro-dommes are a thing!” and “findom is a thing!”, and sure they are, but just hold on a minute.

Ethical pro-dommes and findoms are up-front and clear about what they’re doing. They NEVER randomly hit up submissive men for chit chat and then go ‘surprise, pay me!’

Ethical pro-dommes offering play-for-pay are professionals running a business. As such, they have a website, they have a professional presentation, they clearly state their session rates, they may require a deposit, and they go from there.

Ethical findoms offering more nebulous, less defined pay-for-interaction arrangements are also fully up-front about what they’re doing, with ‘findom’ displayed right on their profile.

Ethical dominants for whom findom is a kink (this as opposed to ‘pay-for-interaction’ findoms) will NEVER get into a conversation with a potential submissive and then just… demand money. Never.

With any ethical interactions of this kind, there’s no confusion about what’s going on, none of this bafflement that I see over and over from new submissive men.

And yes, I know I’ve used the word ‘ethical’ about 20 times now :P.

So what we’re left with is:

  • Unethical pros or findoms
  • Newbie Dommes who think this is ‘how it works’
  • Jaded lifestylers who have decided this is a way to weed people out, or
  • Scammers

The issue is that those that fall into the categories above are often hard to tell apart. Impossible even. And of course scammers rely on that, and trust me when I tell you that when it comes to asking for money, you are much more likely to be paying a scammer than you are to be paying a legit lifestyle dominant woman.

My advice to any newbie submissives is this:

If you’re looking for a personal or love-based F/m relationship, don’t give anyone on the internet any money.

Just don’t.

There are a lot more unethical people and scammers out there on the internet looking for you to pay them than there are genuine lifestyle dominants, and they rely on you wishing and hoping that you’ve struck that one lifestyler who really is-for-real-genuine and who just happens to want a tribute.

But trust me, 99.9% of the time, you haven’t.

PSA: Some ways that requests for money are presented include: a tribute to show respect, a gift card to show sincerity, $600-$800 to pay for ‘equipment for training’ (and they will tantalisingly list out fun toys in detail), money to book a hotel room (and they will point to a legit-looking BDSM hotel that has properties all over the world (it’s not, and they don’t)), a fee for putting together a contract, cost for training, as proof you’re not a time-waster.

. . .

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  1. Excellent post and I hope it will be widely read. I’ve interacted with pros online who have assisted with my preferred kink, and have always happily tributed them. They were well deserving of payment for their time and expertise.

    What gets me are the so-called “professionals” you see at every turn on Twitter these days who demand a tribute before they will even consider talking with you. That’s ridiculous in my estimation, and I avoid them like the Bubonic plague as I’m sure many men do. They may be dominants, but they aren’t my dominant and aren’t entitled to demand payment for discussing the possibility of a arrangement by which they would get paid. That’s simply part of the business model.

    Findom is not a kink of mine, though I know it is for others. While I wouldn’t think of kink shaming anyone, I admit the motivation behind Findom is not something I remotely understand. All I know is the “Findommes” of Twitter are the worst offenders of all. They seem to believe every submissive guy is the same which to me only reveals how little they know.

    Anyway, keep up the good work, Sweet As. :D

    1. Thanks JK.

      The folks asking for money may annoy you, but mentioning those who present their terms clearly up-font in the same breath as scammers is common and inaccurate. The former is behaving ethically (even if you don’t like it), the latter is not.


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