Nearly femdom-date with a maybe-submissive

Speaking of newbies, I’m raising this femdom dating story that has been languishing in my drafts since last year. It’s lingered there un-posted because I couldn’t tease anything worthwhile out of it, but look, when I’m trying to post every damn day in June, you get what you get :P.

I found a self-identified submissive man on a vanilla dating site and messaged him. SCORE!
Or, you know, not.

He was cute, articulate, seemed nice enough. We exchanged some messages, I asked him out. He said ‘yes please!’

But then we had a proper chat about F/m. He quickly realised that I wasn’t interested in delivering all his fetishes to him (*gasp* shocker!), that that’s not what a D/s relationship was to me. And I realised that he had some very stereotypical ideas about what an F/m relationship was (the typical ‘playtime stuff, but in your actual life’ view) despite me explaining it.

Ahh, newbies, bless their hearts.

Still, he was self aware enough to recognise that we had a mismatch, and he was mature enough to tell me so. There was enough doubt there that I could have talked him around, and I think he wanted me to convince him. If I’d thrown him some reassurance and a sexy femdom bone, he’d have been all over it, but the work it would have taken from there to unpack all the wrongness was already exhausting, and I didn’t find him compelling enough to want to tackle it.

So this is how it went at the end there, and this is why we never had that date.


Morning, Ferns.

It was great to connect last night, our conversation really got me pondering a few things. Admittedly I’m not fully convinced i could commit to a full F/m lifestyle, even though i tend to be subservient with my partners and like to serve and submit, particularly sexually. Our conversation certainly has triggered the thought process on “what am i really looking for”, and i appreciated your thoughts last night.

I guess watching hard porn like i used to was enticing, alluring and something i still want to experience and to be subjugated, that spilling over into everyday life I’m not certain if I’m ready for ????

Hello newbie-maybe-sub,

I appreciate you thinking about it.

This is why porn is bad *laugh*.

There is no ‘hard porn’ in real life, and I have zero interest in ‘subjugation’. That’s… not how it works in real life with real people in real relationships.

I’m not going to work to convince you that your impressions are wrong (though they are): You have your own path to travel and I hope you will do some wider search for educational resources (a good one is a book called Uniquely Rika, not really my style, but a panacea to the porn tropes out there).

If you want to talk about it and maybe undo some of the impressions you have, then I’m happy to. If you don’t I completely understand, and I thank you for spending this snippet of time communicating with me.

Either way, best of luck to you in finding what you are looking for.

Ferns

Thanks Ferns.

Exactly why i don’t watch porn anymore, so i take your point. Though porn in the right context can be fun.

Will research more for sure, being only new to this there’s no doubt my impressions need maturing and pointing in the right direction. ???? Exactly the reason i want to embrace it, to broaden boundaries. So yeah, to chat some day on this would be wonderful.

Thanks again

So that was that.

The overall lesson there is: I am deeply suspicious of newbies who have the idea that actual for-real F/m relationships mean 24/7 humiliating/subjugating/beating/[some other play activity], and who don’t immediately go ‘oh yeah, ha ha, on reflection, that’s ridiculous’ when I explain that’s not so. What I see in that is a huge, fraught project, and someone who hasn’t been invested enough to do any work on their own to figure shit out. I also see the kind of newbie who will bail when reality smacks them in the face because ‘woah, this isn’t what I expected’.

Ahh, dating, what a joy :).

. . .

Loves: 11
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4 Comments

  1. Thank you Ms Ferns for writing a piece just for me (laugh, laugh, ha, ha, oh sh!t) Yep, I can see the clarity in your observations – and it hurts. Or, it hurts (me) because of the fear that it might be accurate. I don’t know, yet. Hopefully, us newbies can unlearn (kind of like unlearning a lot of societal ignorance) the fantasy worlds we’ve grown up with, and maybe some of us have enough real and interesting presence that it’s worth dominant women spending some energy to find out if a man is worthwhile. Thanks again. It hurts, but if you weren’t so sensitive, that poignancy wouldn’t be there. It’s late and I haven’t had breakfast yet or worked out.

  2. Some people want to hold onto their fantasy idea and nothing you say will convince them otherwise. Then they will roam about wondering why nothing they do is working lol
    You had more patience then I would have had.

    1. I agree that some people want to hold onto their fantasy, many want to live in it and just have some random characters at hand to play their very narrow part in it.

      I have some patience for good people who don’t get it, who aren’t quite there yet: Everyone was new once.

      But there are levels of ‘newness’ and my patience doesn’t extend to putting in the work to get them there unless I see real potential AND if they are compelling to me in a whole bunch of other ways. Then I may be .

      Ferns

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