This is one of those posts.
Long time readers know the ones.
Where I haven’t written for a while, where I’m not having any thoughts really worth writing about, but I still want to write something or I fear I will come back to find an age has passed and my last post was in 1952.
When I get this way I do a general update, a bit of a ‘what’s going on over here’ post of femdom randomness (not that the topic is ‘femdom’, just that I’m a female dominant, so it’s all femdom!).
Trying to jog myself out of my writing malaise.
So here we are.
Happy new year!
Hardly new any more (really, a month in already?! WTF?!).
Christmas seemed like extra peopling this year, I’m struggling to regain my energy in the aftermath. I’m not sure if it WAS extra peopling, or if I’m just getting worse at it, taking longer to recover.
I still feel stressed by it and in this state, every small thing feels like it’s just topping up a feeling that is already sitting right at the tip of ‘my head is going to explode’ limit.
I just want to hide in a hole and not deal with anyone.
But I’ve been adulting like a champ and doing all the adulting things, including those that require talking to people and being with people and other people-related things that society requires of me.
A funny thing is that the only people I tell about this kind of end-of-my-tetherness are you, my folks on the internet.
It was always thus.
On the outside I’m normal and getting shit done while feeling like I’m only just holding it together, getting a sore jaw from all the clenching while I remain pleasantly pleasant and amenable, as one does.
So thank you for the space to just go ‘blergh’.
My electricals are all in rebellion. I don’t know what’s going on or why!
- My television just… stopped working. Google suggested it was probably a minor issue and I was going to try and fix it myself. “You’ll need a screwdriver (ok), this small common part (no worries, I can find that), and a soldering iron (ok, I’m out!).”
Getting a repair person in was going to cost nearly as much as getting a new one (I don’t care about amazing big bigger biggest best TVs, so bottom-end is fine for me). Upshot: I had to buy a new one.
- My blender (which I use every morning in summer for iced coffee) died. Also had to replace that.
- My clothes dryer gave up. I took off the only two easily removable parts on the back of it, and the blower belt fell out. Broken. Asked Google about that also, as you do, ordered one that looked the same (the dryer is super old, I don’t even know what brand it is, but there was only one style of belt that looked similar). It fit! It works. Yay me!
- Carl (my espresso machine) started making a terrible noise last week and refused to make me any coffee. I’ve gently coaxed him back to normal but I’m not gonna lie: I’m scared for his well being.
- Thor (my beloved laptop) has decided mornings are not for him. If I turn him off overnight, he will not restart in the morning. If I just keep idly pressing the power button for half an hour or so he has (so far) eventually agreed to start up. When he does, he doesn’t tell me anything was wrong, he just carries on as if nothing happened. Passive aggressive bullshit! I’m now scared to shut him down at all :/.
Please don’t give me suggestions: I know you might want to help, but no.
WHAT IS GOING ON??!
Not just electricals, my website is also giving me grief :/.
- My blog has been ridiculously unstable since just before Christmas. Luckily most of it is invisible to readers, but it was going down multiple times a day. My web host suggested that I have outgrown my hosting plan and need to pay more. I’m resisting this suggestion (not least because the stats they showed me to prove their point were simply wrong).
- Re the instability, it hit peak WTF in the last few days, when it went down over 50 times (I’m not exaggerating). That turned out to be 100% my hosts’ fault and that particular issue is now fixed, but either way I haven’t had it at a point where I don’t have to think about it for a good month.
- Related: Emails that folks have told me they sent me are randomly not turning up in my inbox: Not in spam, not in junk, not in my webmail. I have no idea what’s going on there.
I’ve struggled to get back to the gym. I ran an 11 week workout challenge with my twitter followers in the lead-up to Christmas, and that worked great to keep me and all my fierce fellow warriors on track.
I went back to pilates in the second week of January (it’s physio-led, not ‘at the gym’: It’s body work and it’s certainly not ‘nothing’, but it’s a very different animal from gym-work).
I’ve just started a 12 week workout challenge with my twitter followers to try and get back to it. Today is day 1.
All of my mental energy today is focussed on getting this first gym visit for the year done. I know that seems ridiculous, but that’s how it works. I have to do a bunch of complicated mental machinations to make that happen and then hope like hell I can grab onto that tiny bit of momentum and get it rolling.
The fact that I’m siphoning off a bit of that mental energy to write this is a special gift to you. YOU’RE WELCOME! :P
I’ve agreed to fly to another city to help my sister with some unfun crap for a couple of weeks next month. She lives in a town that is more stinking hot than the stinking hot it is everywhere else, so yay. No aircon. So double yay.
That’s okay though. I can cope.
OR SO I THOUGHT.
Me: Do you have internet?
Her: *nervous laugh because she at least knows me this well* No.
Me: Ha ha good one.
Her: No. I don’t.
TWO FUCKING WEEKS WITHOUT INTERNET?!!!
To be fair, she’s only just back in the country after living overseas for years, and her current living space is temporary, so getting proper internet connected at that address is not viable.
Madly looking at options that don’t require that I sell a kidney.
THOUGH I WILL SELL A FUCKING KIDNEY IF I HAVE TO!
I got a ‘happy new year’ message from Incompatible-Awesome. Remember him? Boys are so weird.
I had not ever expected to meet him: I sent him a complimentary message on the vanilla dating site because his whole profile was SO FUCKING GOOD. His head was turned by all the compliments (plus I’m fucking gorgeous :P) so we had a not-date date that went really well. We agreed we weren’t really compatible, but it was still a lot of fun. I genuinely liked him. I invited him back to mine after brunch, initiated kissing. That was super fun. Did I mention he’s 6’4? Yeah. He said explicitly that he’d like to do ‘all of this’ again, especially the kissing part.
This was the last I wrote about him back in May.
After some cute light little text exchanges with Incompatible-Awesome, I figured he was not going to initiate anything (I knew that already), so I texted an invite to see if he wanted to come down for a kissing date. He did not reply. So either he hasn’t seen it (this seems hugely unlikely) or I freaked him out or he’s just not interested (I’m thinking it’s very likely both of those last two :P). Fair enough.
So that’s that.
His text on NYE:
New years confessions: I really regret not taking you up on that kissing date. Hope you have a great 2020 :)
[insert some reaction emoji here that’s both baffled and smug]
OF COURSE YOU REGRET IT YOU SILLY SILLY BOY! JFC.
Pro-tip for datery: All he had to do was reply with a polite ‘Thanks but no thanks’ back in May and I’d have jumped all over this with an enthusiastic offer to take care of those regrets now that he realises the error of his ways.
But the lack of a simple ‘no thanks’ back then changes things.
Not because I’m mad about it. I’m not. I didn’t care: It was only one date and while I think just not replying is impolite, to me it’s just ‘nah not interested’, and after a single date that we both agreed wasn’t going anywhere I’m not bothered by it. I wouldn’t do it, but at that stage: Meh.
BUT if you come back after that, you’ve already shown me that you’ll happily just not deal rather than be up-front if something’s a little uncomfortable for you. And to me, if you’ll do it when the stakes are low and it’s easy, you’ll for sure do it when the stakes are higher if it’s easier and more convenient for you. I believe people when they show me who they are.
As it is, I’m thinking I’ll wait 6 or 7 months, then reply with ‘who dis?’ because that makes me laugh.
I mean, it’s a long play for a joke, but I think it’s a good one :).
While I’m on kissing dates, I don’t think I ever mentioned here that Holy Fuck Beautiful Eyes sent me a text and an email out of the blue last year. He asked if we could have another kissing date, pretty please.
It had been FIVE YEARS since we were in touch.
Yeah, my kissing dates really ARE that good :P.
We had some lovely chemistry, but every time we talked for-real I liked him a little less (nothing against him, we really weren’t compatible) which is why I invented kissing dates just for him. To take advantage of the first and avoid the second.
I can’t really remember exactly how we left it so long ago, but I seem to vaguely remember that he wanted a for-real date and I declined more than once, so I considered that a firm end to it and wasn’t interested in going there again.
Related to ‘blasts from the past’ (not that far past though!), My Gentleman popped up to contribute to my bushfire appeal (hi, if you’re reading :)). I did NOT expect that, so that was very lovely.
We didn’t chat, just polite ‘hope you’re well’ emails.
I am. I assume he is.
Still on dating, I’ve very little appetite for it at the moment. I never do, so that’s nothing new.
But I do feel like I should dip a toe in again. It’s been a while. So maybe after I slough off this weight of peopling, I’ll take a deep breath and poke around on dating sites again.
I read a couple of blogs of older vanilla women who are dating and my goodness, the energy they have for it is ah-stounding. Multiple dates per week for weeks on end. Lots of sex. Boundless enthusiasm. I think part of it is that they are newly divorced, so they’re having a blast in ways they never did in their youth. Making up for lost time :).
It also always always makes me wonder how it is that they just seem to like every man they meet. Or at least like enough of them that they are all YES! excited about these men who they seem to have lined up, are quick to meet, and have a whale of a time with. Maybe it’s just luck, or maybe they compare them all to some extra shitty ex-husband so every single one looks golden. I dunno.
While I am in awe of their pace (good for them!) and I’m fascinated by it (wow!), even reading about it makes me feel exhausted.
I’d like to be a lot more normal in this regard though. I need a bit of ‘oh, dating is fun plus you get to meet new people!’ This instead of ‘no it’s not fun, shush now for I must gird my loins for hours beforehand to gear up for this insufferable ordeal’.
Pretty sure that’s not how dating is supposed to feel…
LOOK AT ALL THE WORDS I WROTE OMG!
I deserve pats. ALL THE PATS.
And hi. Hi there. Did you miss me?
Waving hi from the peanut gallery! Happy not so new year to you too!! I love dating but also- yeah exhausting. Hang in there!
Hi over there :)).
You love dating? I’m genuinely envious. Even if you still find it exhausting, it must make SUCH a difference.
I’m hanging in :).
I always enjoy hearing what is going on in my friends’ side of the world. You can always go ‘blergh’ with me.
Have you tried unplugging Thor and plugging him back in? Ha! Just kidding! Don’t beat me! *trembles in fear*
Boo on all the stress! And I know from experience the not being recovered from peopling makes all the stress *feel* worse too. At least, that is me anyway. I haven’t felt one-hundred percent recovered from the holidays either. I’m trying the “fake it till I make it approach”.
Incompatible-Awesome is out of his mind! I would kill for a kissing date right now! I couldn’t imagine not immediately jumping at the offer of a kissing date with a fabulous woman. The years after text, yes do it!!!! *So funny and deserved* Just completely impolite.
I kind of feel you on the dating. I am at an “I know exactly what I want now” and “I really want it right now!” but feel completely exhausted at the idea of actively going after it. I’m always around my friend, and yes I’d donate part of the kidney too.
Thanks for your thoughts and the ‘blerghing’ offer :).
I want to write a post about how people always think ‘oh straight women can just get sex whenever they want’, and while the kissing date offer wasn’t sex, it falls into that general category, and the truth is plainly ‘No. No we can’t just get what we want whenever we want…’
salam. sorry about appliances. staying fit takes constant work for us too. good luck.
It takes constant work and that seems unfair!
It seems like bodies would be better if you got them to a certain point and they just stayed like that. I’VE DONE THE WORK NOW, FFS!
Best of luck with all the things that aren’t working (or that work well enough right now but are threatening to go on strike). So hard to not not want to offer a “helpful” suggestion or two. Is that “hard-wiring” on my part? It feels that way. Feels related to being submissive. Might be part of what I’ve learned amounts to “being a man.” If so, that message was ingrained long before I was old enough to give it a moment’s thought. I do know it’s a big part of me and it seems really important at times. Not sure that it’s the advice giving that’s most important to me but more the “I have value because I cared enough to take the time and I was able help make the life of someone I care about easier with my knowledge of …” Did I mention I was smart?
Now, back to your regularly scheduled Domme!
You’re welcome :).
I know it IS hard not to offer helpful suggestions (hence my pre-emptive note and thank you for taking heed).
In my experience, it’s mostly a dude thing tbh. Many men are brought up to be ‘fixers’ and, as you mentioned, see their value in being able to fix problems for people. So their go-to in a lot of situations is to offer up ‘helpful’ suggestions.
For me, there’s a few issues with doing that: The first is that they assume they are smarter than me, and starting from that assumption inevitably makes them end up sounding super-patronising, and the second is that it leaves no space for someone to just vent and be listened to and empathised with.
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is go ‘Ugh, that sucks so bad :((‘. If you want to help AFTER you’ve made some space for them to just vent about it, then ask them if they’d like that: ‘hey, I’ve had this problem also/work in this field/have x experience: If you tell me more about what’s going on and what you’ve tried, I may have some other suggestions for you’.
Then you avoid giving unwanted input AND you learn what level they’re at (‘I don’t know what to dooooo’ is very different from ‘I’ve tried these 6 troubleshooting steps already’ and each requires a different type of help).
There you go. Now I’ve given patronising ‘helpful’ suggestions. You’re welcome :).
As an only son raised by a single mother with three sisters, I don’t know that I ever (consciously or unconsciously) dared to assume I (or any other man) was smarter than anyone. I do know that I felt I had certain experiences and I’ve been “fixing things” for as long as I can remember.
As someone who has been a submissive male my entire life, separating the dude part from the submissive part is a challenge and so I’ll defer to your experience regarding the “self-worth from fixing things” as being a dude thing (and not so much a submissive thing – how do submissive men who aren’t handy at fixing things even manage?).
Patronizing is never a good look and even if it isn’t where I’m coming from, it’s good to be reminded that certain behaviors can be perceived as such. Trying to be useful by jumping directly to something that meets my needs (look at me fixing stuff) and ignoring the other’s need to vent and to be heard isn’t really being all that useful, is it. I find myself wondering about another dynamic is this pattern. Venting and empathy aren’t high on the list of things I’m actively seeking. Is this because I’m a male and my experience isn’t typically one of being approached by others who have assumed that I’m not as smart (experienced or clever) as they are? Perhaps. Ugh, that sucks so bad :((
That is a very thoughtful comment, and thank you for it.
“Is this because I’m a male and my experience isn’t typically one of being approached by others who have assumed that I’m not as smart (experienced or clever) as they are? Perhaps. Ugh, that sucks so bad :((“
In my experience, there is a gender issue in how this plays out, so I’d say yes, being a man, you wouldn’t see it. Often when I say something about this to men who do it, they come back with ‘oh I do that with my male friends too!’ but many aren’t being entirely honest. Or if they DO do it with other men, their assumption of the starting point isn’t at the lowest possible point (‘have you tried turning it off and back on again’ :P).
I absolutely understand the intent to be helpful, but that doesn’t make the result any less irritating.
Fun fact: Sometimes I ask my social media folks for help with something and I’m always super specific with the question and ask for help from people who know about that thing, and I swear Every Fucking Time some dudes will type it into google and ‘helpfully’ send me the top search result. AS IF I’M INCAPABLE OF USING A SEARCH ENGINE JFC! Then I have to politely thank them for their efforts vs clapping back like a salty bitch.
THIS IS A VERY LONG REPLY OBVIOUSLY I HAVE FEELS ABOUT THIS :P.
Thanks ever so for the update…you’ve indeed been missed. Your fixing the dryer by ordering online and installing a belt that “looked like” the old one had me laughing aloud and then cheering! Dating…ugh.
My pleasure, and thank you for missing me :).
I was pretty fucking proud of myself for fixing it, I can tell you. My expectations were low :).
And yes: Dating… ugh :/.
If you have any sense, (insert significant pause here ) the kidney you sell won’t be yours * wink wink *
I HAVE THE ICE BATH READY!!
Yess I did miss you and for your post I just want to say: I love you :-)
Thank you Tiptease :D.
I found dating to be a bit of a chore as well, needing to mentally prepare for it, with lots of convincing and high hopes having. It didn’t go well because none of them interested me or showed interest back (for the ones I was interested in).
Then, I changed my mindset about dating after hearing a friend refer to it as social anthropology. The idea is, you don’t meet these dates hoping it’s love etc etc. Instead, you go for the chat, to learn more about the world, to hear someone else’s perspectives on things and life story. You go to grow.
I’m glad that worked for you, and thank you for it :).
Truth be told, I don’t meet hoping it’s love. I meet hoping to feel *something*, anything at all. And it’s not that the dates are awful (I’ve never had a terrible one), they’re fine, just fine. And it’s still a bunch of mental and emotional work for me that I have to cycle up and that I find exhausting.
Ditto any socialising :/.
Always interesting to see someone else second guess themself as if from a position of strength .
Semi normal, semi dysfunctional.
Ordinary Ferns is probably the most interesting Ferns.
I’m not sure what you mean. Obviously I am always extraordinary… :)