The email address I had given MG very early on is not one I use often, stranger-email if you like. The notifications for it pop up every 24 hours or something complicated, so I didn’t see his message until the day after he sent it.
It was long, entitled ‘The imagination works overtime sometimes’, and he acknowledged that I might not like it.
He started with the positive, as all good sandwich-makers do :P.
Told me that I’m ‘amazing, gorgeous, intelligent… witty and funny’ (I so am!).
His concerns were in the middle there. And they are valid.
- I don’t really share anything personal so he feels like he’s not really getting to know ‘me’.
- I am not demonstrative or open, so am hard to read.
- He thinks my content is BDSM or fetish-related which he is fine with, but he feels hurt that I’ve not trusted him to behave like a mature adult with the information.
On the first, I don’t feel like I hide anything or avoid topics, but much of my personal life is bound up in D/s, and he has so far had no access to that side of me, so of course there are wide swathes of my life about which I talk in high level terms without revealing the nature or detail of it. I’d not have thought that was noticeable really, it’s not like it’s hard to talk around them, but obviously it is noticeable, and for him, it makes me feel unreachable.
On the second he is 100% right. I am a brick wall. Which I’ve said a million times before. There are many subconscious, innate reasons for that, but one more conscious reason is that I don’t want to mislead anyone, and part of that is pure ego. If I’m unsure of them or ‘us’, I will hold back, because god forbid I shine my entire glorious light and attention on someone and then withdraw it if I decide I’m not really interested: That seems cruel and unfair (I told you, ego+, but it’s true all the same).
And another related truth is that I am always unsure, always need convincing, always need to have someone courageously run at me over and over until they crack the wall (assuming we are firing). I am difficult to date, to know, to get close to. I know this. I know that doesn’t make me some kind of special, but I also know that emotionally fearless warrior-men will throw themselves into the fray with courage and delight, and damn the consequences, because that’s who they are, and I need that. That’s not how I am, and it’s not how he is either. The Catch 22 here is that I can’t ask him to try and do that because it’s *not* who he is, and asking someone to behave in ways that are outside of their nature will never work.
On the third about BDSM, he is also right, of course (given it’s all over the Q&A in my dating profile, it’s not that hard to work out). I’ve told him I write books, have a blog, create a podcast and that the content is relationship-related. I’ve also told him that I’m reluctant to tell him more because a) I don’t want it to take over our ‘getting to know you’ chats and b) it’s akin to handing over a diary and is way too much information.
He’s wrong that telling him is about trusting him to handle it like a mature adult. Sharing this *points to everything* is not at all the same as telling someone ‘I’m into BDSM’. Not even a little bit. The latter is sharing a piece of information, the former is handing over 10 years of excruciating detail about me and my personal, romantic, sex life. And to anyone (mature adults included), that is an overwhelming amount of intimacy and domly domdomdomliness to consume and take on board without any curation or management from my side.
I have no problem confirming the content as BDSM-related and having a chat about it. Sharing the actual links is something I feel like is going to be more trouble than it’s worth until/unless I decided this relationship has legs. If I could share the books and the podcast, and not this blog, I would. But I can’t. Unless I put password protection on it and don’t give him the password.
From his email, I think that he thinks that THIS is the barrier between us, as if talking about it is going to magically open me up, but that’s just not the case. He’ll be fine with it in concept, and it will help us to talk about it I imagine, but it doesn’t materially change anything.
I’ll add this: I’ve realised (since I haven’t dated vanilla for so very long, this is a revelation) that when I talk to submissives, I have immediate access to something very personal about them, something about which I am curious and fascinated and want to probe at if I like them. Because their submission is complex and interesting and intimate. And I’ve realised that with vanilla men, I have no such starting point to access their inner lives, and it leaves me at a bit of a loss. What is the path, then, into those inner thoughts, those hidden lives, those aspects of a person that interest me? Do they even exist? I don’t know the answer to those questions. So we’re most often chatting about superficialities and I don’t know what’s under there or how to get at it. Maybe I did once. Honestly, I can’t remember.
I thanked him for his email, said I appreciated him bringing up things that were bugging him, and I really do. It shows a willingness to communicate and to tackle things head-on, and maybe the resulting conversation will jog something loose for us. I wanted to talk about it in person with him rather than reply in email, not least to try and get through some of these barriers we have in moving this forward. I tried to set up a date for this week, but we couldn’t work it out, so date #4, The Serious Talk, will happen early next week.
I’m very reluctant to give up on him because I know a good man when I see one, and I like him. Best case, this chat shakes something out and we have somewhere to take this. If not, four lovely dates with a fine man is still a positive thing.