I’ve been on the vanilla dating site, talking to a few potentials, as well as getting back in touch with the vanilla man I asked out last year. So busy!
The latter has the ball firmly in his court, I will not contact him again. I’ve made my interest clear twice now: When he’s back in-country (in a couple of weeks, he said), either he will contact me or he won’t.
In the former group from the dating site are three men.
The hot older man who I initiated contact with: He has a great smile, a lovely open face, martial artist. We have a very high compatibility rating (the rating is based on ‘values’ more than interests). He sent me a ‘Damn, woman!’ compliment about my photos, which I enjoy a lot. We’ve had a pleasant enough exchange, though I’m not particularly fired up about him. He’s also out-of-country right now, so unless something goes sideways, I’m going to move that to a meeting sooner rather than later.
The incompatible cutie I emailed with compliments because his profile was stunning: Smart, witty, funny, cute. The kind of wordsmithing that fires my synapses, and that rarely rarely happens for me. Tall and cute, he’s a nerd-type and while I loved his profile and we had a high match percentage, pretty much everything he said he enjoyed are things I’ve never heard of (movies, music, books) or am not interested in. Hence ‘incompatible’ (and I said as much in my message). Still, he’s pretty keen to meet. I think mostly because men are SO not used to getting compliments that it turns their heads. I’m happy to do that.
The chisel-jawed rock climber who I ‘liked’ but did not message (69% compatibility… hurr hurr). I clicked ‘like’ on maybe 5 men in total to bookmark them, but I did not expect a message (you can’t see who ‘liked’ you unless you are a paying member). The brief conversation with him has been super-dull (‘how was your day?’ level of conversation, which is not horrible, just very boring). Plus he’s not a rock climber at all (he has a fabulous muscle-straining rock climbing picture up, but he’s only ever done it once). I will let this one slide unless there is some sudden uptick.
The site has a bunch of Q&A and I answered LOTS ages ago, including a whole bunch of very explicit BDSM and D/s questions (e.g. I answered questions in there that clearly state that I’m dominant and want a submissive). This contributes to your compatibility with others. None of those three men are submissive, or if they are, they have not answered those questions.
I’m finding myself (unusually) in the school of ‘ugh, hate this messaging crap, let’s just meet already’. That is normally not my style at all. I’m not sure where that’s coming from or what that means for my headspace, but I’m going to go with that instinct while I have it.
As for cold calls from men I have not liked or messaged first, they are the usual mix of eyerolley idiocy of the kind that makes me wonder how they manage to put one foot in front of the other without falling over. Ugh. I don’t reply to them.
Last time I looked, I had about 265 ‘likes’. I think a lot of men on these sites just click ‘like’ on EVERY WOMAN THEY SEE in the hope that maybe, possibly, one of them will like them back and only then will they decide if they actually want to talk to her or not. Numbers game and all that.
BUT that makes me reluctant to ‘like’ men just to keep them in mind because then I figure they’ll send a message and I’ll end up having to deal with too many conversations at once, and that stresses me out. I’m not good at modern dating where the apps tend to be all ‘TALK TO THEM OR FUCK OFF!’ I like to quietly consider someone for a while before I decide if I want to engage or not, or until I’m in the mood, or when I don’t have others I’m already talking to etc., but they don’t really work like that.
I started this post intending to talk about barriers I put up for myself with dating, but instead you got this. Maybe I’ll tackle that next time.
Reading your quest to find someone to share your lifestyle sounds tough. Really makes me appreciate all that I have in 19 plus year marriage. My wife, Mi Amor is a strict keyholder/disciplinarian. She understands my submissive nature and takes advantage of it!! We do a blog also. PLease feel free to look in on us.
You should absolutely appreciate her :).
And thank you for the link. I will definitely take a look.
I enjoyed this as it resonates so well with me, one introvert to another. This modern dating stucture seems to be preverting human interaction to some transactinal nature. I liked your analysis of your three potentials always are hang ups. Personally, the fact others have similar stuggles is a comfort and makes me glad I am not alone.
Online dating is a sea of instant judgement, rejection and ‘waiting for better’. All of those.
I don’t know if it’s better or worse than ‘the old days’ of fewer choices and the tendency to stick with the one in front of you no matter what.
I wish there was some happy medium, but I have to say that my fixation on the vanilla man I met out in the world and *liked* is at least in part due to that natural attraction vs the contrived online version that you have to work to turn into something.