If you’re on the internet, you’ve been lied to. Maybe in small ways that don’t matter, maybe in egregious ways that did a number on you.
For me, as a dominant woman with a certain level of visibility who’s looking for a partner, I get lied to by self-identified submissive men over and over.
Mostly they are so bad at it that it’s a non-event, an eyeroll, something funny.
But some of them seem plausible, until they’re proven not to be. It gets tiring and depressing. This is how women on the internet get jaded and cynical, despite their best efforts.
I posited in a comment on my last post that there are three main reasons submissive men come to me with lies:
1. Sex chat
2. Emotional engagement
Sometimes it’s some convoluted combination of those.
Let me tell you a little story, maybe I’ve told you before but I figure if I can’t remember, you won’t either :).
Once upon a time, I got a very nice email from a young man who had a bit of a crush and wanted to talk to me to see if we were compatible. He was in the US and, as I do, I drilled down on ‘so, how do you see this working?’ I am unrelenting in this because most starry-eyed dreamers have never given the distance a second’s thought and will happily pretend it’s easy, and cheap, and no big deal.
Now I did not do any real diligence on him, maybe he was lying about his name, his age, his location, his photo, maybe he wasn’t. It didn’t matter much. My pushing him on this one point was enough to know that he was in no way serious about it, so there was nowhere to take it.
So I told him ‘thanks but no thanks’.
You would think, right?
Soon afterwards, I got a thoughtful email from a local-ish young submissive. We exchanged a few messages about this-and-that, but something about him was ‘off’. I asked him about some local spots and he didn’t use the colloquial names for them, he used the ‘I searched google for this’ names. So I checked his IP address and on a hunch, I compared it to the previous young man’s IP address.
You can see where this is going can’t you, dear reader?
Yep: Same IP address.
So of course I called him on it.
And it’s funny when you call liars out on lies. It’s SO VERY RARE that they accept being caught out and sheepishly apologise and disappear. No no no. Nine times out of ten, they will double down. Which is what he did.
So his story was this (paraphrased):
“The friend I’m staying with here in the US messaged you, and he told me how it went. After we talked about it and I read through your stuff and really liked it, so I thought I’d message you, from here, in his house (no for real, it’s the truth!). But really I *do* live just near you, I’m only here in the US on vacation, and I’ll be back in 2 weeks!”
I was so relieved and excited because that sounded entirely plausible, and my my my I felt so silly to doubt him… “Oh goody,” I said, “That’s ace and you are obviously not a lying douchebag, I don’t know how I could have thought that…!!” /sarcasm
*laughs and laughs*
Truly what I did say was “Great, message me when you get home and include a picture of you in front of this restaurant that’s near where you said you lived.”
His response, “Oh, I will! I’m not lying!! You’ll see! I’ll do that as soon as I get back :)!”
And I never heard from him again…
So yeah if you ever wonder why dominant women get that ‘fuck-off’ glaze in their eyes and question you suspiciously when you land in their inbox, multiply this experience by years, day in and day out, and you will start to understand it.
Seriously, most of us are so delighted to hear from genuine, sincere, and honest submissive men that we lose our minds when they turn up. Even if we’re not a match (like this young one), it’s still a shiny thing, and thank you for it.
Like most I follow your blog as a casual and largely silent observer, occasionally saving especially poignant comments, and I receive your email. You’d had a few comments of late about readers attempting to deceive, and as such things don’t happen in isolation, I can only assume that there is a large contingent of men out there who do the same. It’s a shame, and discouraging to read about.
I write, just as a hobby mostly, and no blog, and have tried my hand at erotic literature, romance, and so forth. I’m no good at it, so it remains a nanowrimo annual hobby. As part of that, I began following topics in fetlife, and reading various blogs, particularly femdom and FLR topics as they hold my interest. A back and forth conversation in private messages occurred at fetlife, involving a woman. It was in the form of a story; she’d write her perspective, I’d write mine, some erotic, some not so much.
My wife followed, and for a time I thought it was actually participating, and so let myself lean into the topic more than I would have with a stranger. When my wife and I sat down to discuss, she said that she believed the person was actually a man, and not a woman. While I don’t doubt her intuition, it was a very different perception from mine, and when she brought it up I was shocked. She may have been right (probably was), but the conversation quickly went beyond simply making a story, and my wife felt that it was a man out there, using it for erotic purposes. The conversation ended and I didn’t go back as my wife felt doing so would be inappropriate, and I agreed.
The experiment left me questioning my own powers of observation and perception. Yours are clearly far more acute, which is good. It’s discouraging to me that others would find it necessary or desirable to deceive, and while I realize that’s a naive view, it’s how I feel none the less.
I’m glad you’re more perceptive, and I’m glad you shared the experience. There are many like myself who will never live the lifestyle or the environment that you share in your writing, and who live vicariously to a degree by reading about it, and who appreciate your comments. Sorry you have to deal with folks like that.
(–no, I don’t live in Oz….though I did a long time ago, and miss it a lot. My old haunt is flooded out at the moment, sorry to say. I do miss the place, though).
It *is* naive to think that people on the internet are telling the truth.
My approach is generally that I take everything at face value until it matters (that is, with most people I interact with, I don’t care if they’re lying their faces off. Meh, whatever). *When* it matters is different for everyone.
For me, it’s when they are inviting me to have expectations of them, when they are wanting something that has a *cost* to me (time, attention, affection, engagement, etc).
I appreciate you sharing your story, thank you for it.
I often think in circumstances like yours: ‘Does it matter’? You were mutually constructing a fantasy story with some internet person in whom you had no personal interest, were not planning to meet, and who you didn’t have to trust with anything personal . If it was mutually enjoyable: Does it matter who was on the other end?
I sometimes think that about findom accounts with fake pictures of random hot women that clearly ask for money up-front*: If the person who pays them gets what they want out of it (attention, personal porn, humiliation, whatever), does it matter who’s on the other end?
* I want to be clear that I’m making a big distinction between what I just described and scammers who promise relationships and ask for money on that false premise. That is NEVER ok.
Pretty sure there are going to be a ton of psych papers floating around about this in the next few years :).
You’re lucky not to be in your old haunt at the moment: It’s really bad :(.
Very interesting and insightful Mistress; also sad somehow. Thank you.
You’re welcome. And yes, it’s both funny and sad.
I have a situation which unfortunately occurred in person. There was someone I had been seeing for quite a while who disappeared but told me he was going to because he was having some family problems and needed to be out of the country. I thought it was his way of blowing me off and told him good luck and never expected to hear from him again. But then he showed back up in a couple of months saying everything was fine now he had taken care of the problem and he was footloose and fancy-free. And a couple of months later I started getting messages from a person on FetLife asking me about my relationships with other people and saying that her partner was interested in kink but wouldn’t talk to her about it. And then the longer we talked she finally came clean and said she was asking about this person. And so I wasn’t sure if she was crazy or causing trouble or what have you but I had known him a while and gave him the benefit of the doubt. And the next day when I saw him I told him I gotten this message and what it had said and I said it appears she has access to some of your messaging accounts and you might want to change your passwords. He seemed genuinely upset. He said this was a person who he had been seeing before we met and had gone crazy and had started talking and messaging with his friends and blowing up his Facebook. He said she had been stalking him and calling his work. And I was like well that’s just crazy, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone through that. It appears she’s back.
And then I never heard from him again. Shame on me I suppose for being gullible.
Woah! That was a rollercoaster ride!
I’m sorry you went through that. The ‘actual relationship’ lies is a whole other level :(.
‘Gullibility’ is a tricky concept.
There comes a point where you HAVE to trust someone you’re seeing, and I think we all *want* to do that with someone we like. I think once we decide to do that, red flags become much harder to see.
Hopefully you can file it under ‘lessons learnt’ and have moved past it now.
Yes, yes and yes. I love sparring with the men who are decorating my inbox with their stories, mostly untrue. However, on the rare occasions when a sincere man appeals to me, it makes it worthwhile.
“Seriously, most of us are so delighted to hear from genuine, sincere, and honest submissive men that we lose our minds when they turn up. Even if we’re not a match (like this young one), it’s still a shiny thing, and thank you for it.”
I am loving your daily blogs!
Ha! It’s good that you love sparring with them: I mean, there are endless opportunities after all :P.
And I’m pleased you’re enjoying the daily blogging :).
“For me, it’s when they are inviting me to have expectations of them, when they are wanting something that has a *cost* to me (time, attention, affection, engagement, etc).”
This is what I repeat again and again. Someone of your experience can’t possibly be personally available to any Tom, Dick or Hairy who happens to come calling. Being open and honest like you are only makes it worse. LO fucking L.
Well anyone anywhere has to choose where to spend their time and energy, so while I probably get more than many because I’m everywhere being shouty, I think the online world is a mess for young women in terms of ‘demands for their time’.
I think for those who are new on various sites (especially kink sites), it’s completely overwhelming, and most are polite and trusting and will burn out giving a whole bunch of themselves to those who are demanding it (many of whom are just lying liars who lie).