I just read a couple of tweets by Suzannah Weiss, a Teen Vogue writer (in case you aren’t aware, Teen Vogue has run more politically and socially enlightened articles than a lot of mainstream media in the last few years, so aren’t just ‘fashion and fluff for young girls’).
The tweets were essentially ‘Holy fuck men in society in general are selfish in bed!’
What if sex went like this: As "foreplay," a woman had intercourse with a man until he got REALLY excited. Then, he performed oral sex while she rubbed his balls or something else almost completely useless, and once she came, she fell asleep. That's basically what we do to women.
— Suzannah Weiss (@suzannahweiss) July 3, 2018
Text of the two tweets:
What if sex went like this: As “foreplay,” a woman had intercourse with a man until he got REALLY excited. Then, he performed oral sex while she rubbed his balls or something else almost completely useless, and once she came, she fell asleep. That’s basically what we do to women.
Imagine if women were considered sensitive, caring, enlightened lovers for giving the penis attention — just enough attention to get men “warmed up” to please their partners. That’s how society treats the clitoris.
My first reaction was to laugh (because vanilla or D/s, that has not been my experience).
My second reaction was to go ‘Get into femdom: There, fixed!’
Then I started thinking about it in a wider sense, and then about a thread on Fetlife (login required) where someone was asking about the idea of ‘oral sex as submission’ which is not uncommon.
There is, apparently, and still, a prevailing attitude ‘out there’ that women’s pleasure is secondary (or even irrelevant) in sexual encounters even if we (in the BDSM community, on Fetlife, in sex positive spaces, in our F/m bubble, with experience and confidence) don’t encounter it.
And the fact that this comes from a writer for young women, the generation for whom this bullshit should be well and truly over, is depressing as fuck.
But IF that male-centric view of sex is still out there for a lot of ordinary vanilla folks, it kind of explains how a focus on women’s pleasure is somehow seen as ‘other’.
Interestingly, for dominant men, that focus is seen as power. And for all of the bad examples of maledom we have a laugh about, if you think that good maledoms aren’t laser-focussed on their femsub’s sexual pleasure you haven’t been paying attention.
For submissive men, that focus is seen as submission.
I think BOTH maledoms & subs can get the ‘how’ wrong if they are fetishising a sexual act ‘for her pleasure’, calling it ‘dominance’ or ‘submission’, and assuming all women are the same.
But given this little snippet of insight, I understand a little better where the fetishising of women’s pleasure comes from. Why the focus on it can be parlayed into ‘submission’, why making male pleasure secondary, eschewing or ignoring it is seen as ‘oh-so-kinky’.
Giving a woman oral is a very obvious act that can be easily fetishised on the back of that view. And I think when the act (vs the pleasure) becomes the focus, we hit the same problem with it that we hit with fetish acts all round: The woman is reduced to an object upon which to act out that fetish.
The latter is why many dominant women side-eye any man who waxes lyrical about how he is so very submissive that he will do ‘hours of oral’ (‘for her pleasure’, natch). Because, as usual with these things, a submissive man offering to ‘do his fetish’ is somehow always and unfailingly presented as the ultimate in submission, amirite?
In the Fetlife discussion about ‘oral sex as submission’, the OP asked the following questions: I’m including them and my answers here.
Doms: Is oral sex the end all be all for you, is it your epitome of sexual gratification or do you have other preferences?
Yep, it’s ‘the thing’ for me. I don’t want to just do that, but if my sub wants to give me an orgasm (and of course he does :)), that’s pretty much it.
To both: Is an orgasm the primary bar by which you consider sex to have been enjoyable?
Interestingly, I realised very early on, with the first partner who could give me orgasms like that *snaps fingers*, that orgasms lose their value for me if they are always and easily achieved. When they were elusive and rare, a person who could make me come was like a *heavens open, angels sing* level revelation. I fell a little in love with them for that gift. Once orgasms were easy and plentiful, I had the space to appreciate ‘everything else’ a lot more.
How about you? Is oral a fetish? Just a sexual act? The ultimate pleasure? An integral part of your D/s? Not a thing for you?