I know full well that people’s expectations differ, of course I know that! But I have recently seen a discussion on a BDSM forum that makes me wonder how something that is a fundamental expectation in my relationships, so fundamental that I would not think I would have to stress it, is actually no big deal to others.
Here’s all of the pertinent information from the original post from a submissive:
I was supposed to go to a party with my dom and backed out at the last minute. i fucked up and i know i did. what do i do?
There was no reason given, no further information was available. I was shocked (gosh, am I really so easily shocked?!) that every single respondent who replied before I did ALL thought that it was no big deal.
Now note that the poster gave no *reason* for backing out and nobody seemed to care what the reason was… A selection of the responses looked like this:
20F kinkster: just explain to him that you freaked out apologize. if he’s a good dom he will understand.
19F sadomasochist: I wouldn’t see it as THAT serious.
38M switch: that is not fucking up in my opion [sic]
39M switch: Explain that you had apprehensions and got cold feet. It’s understandable.
32F submissive: I can’t imagine it’s a punishable offense…there are times I don’t follow through on something for no other reason than because I simply don’t feel like it.
39M dominant: open honest communication and acceptance of the consequences, even if you had backed out for no apparent reason, other then gut feeling. just be honest. and stop beating yourself up. that is the Doms job
25M switch: I don’t see the big deal. Bailing on someone isn’t especially considerate, but it doesn’t sound like you bailed out of laziness or flakiness. It sounds like you bailed because you didn’t want to go.
I was the only female dominant who had responded to the thread at the time of writing this, and I was the *only* person who had a problem with it. *
As a dominant woman, if my submissive backed out of a commitment at the last minute for no good reason, I would be angry and disappointed.
For those who say it’s no big deal, I’m sorry, but a commitment is a commitment, and if I can’t believe someone when they say they will do something, then we have a pretty fundamental trust issue.
If you had a valid reason, ok. If you didn’t then you need to examine what your issues are and figure out how YOU are going to deal with them and go to your dominant with a sincere apology, some self awareness and some solution as to how you will avoid this issue next time. That, to me, is the best you can do. Then you need to earn trust back that you will do what you say you will do.
Best of luck.
To me, that is completely unacceptable behaviour. I would be annoyed with friends who did that, I would be incredulous if my submissive did it. It’s not about going to a party, it’s about me being able to trust that he will do what he says he will. It’s that simple.
I am older than most respondents and I was the only person who identified as a female dominant who had responded to date. Relevant? Maybe. I found it quite funny that I truly was very shocked that *all these people* consider that a submissive not honouring a commitment to their dominant was just “Meh, so what?”.
Wow, just… wow!