And that was that… OR WAS IT?!

The vanilla man is not proactively showing interest. I vaguely wonder if that’s a vanilla/submissive divide. But honestly, it doesn’t matter much.

I felt it on the weekend after we didn’t have the date. His communication about possibly not being able to make it was good, so that was fine. But when the get-together was clearly not going to happen (and didn’t happen), we both dropped communication.

While that would have been fine if we had an alternative time lined up, we didn’t have anything else lined up. I hate texting, so don’t do any ‘just because’ chatty exchanges with potential dates, I find it tedious, but of course you HAVE to text to, you know, make an actual date. So it defaulted to a kind of ‘Well, I guess that was that *dusts hands*‘ situation. A man who was interested would have keenly followed up with a new time to get together if he couldn’t make the first meeting.


Even when I initiate, I’m still used to some mutual chasing. He went from ‘I’d love to :)!’ to ‘meh’. And from my side, I am fickle and easily distracted, and in the face of ambivalence, my interest wanes also.

Still, I’m all for following through, so last night I girded my loins and texted him to see if he wanted to reschedule for this weekend.

You’re watching [big football game] aren’t you? :)
And also carving out some time for me on the weekend, right? Or am I in the ‘too hard’ basket already (say it ain’t so! :P)

11am today (the next day)

He hasn’t replied yet which is an obvious ‘no’ (even if he comes back with a ‘yes’). I’m expecting an excuse to be honest (too busy, work schedule, ‘stuff!’): Men are not good at saying no to women. If it’s a yes, I will still give it a go since I initiated and followed up, but my enthusiasm for it/him has dipped into ‘kind of hope it’s a no’ territory.

I’m fervently hoping he doesn’t just… not reply though. Not because I care particularly (I can take ego blows like a champ), but because I want him to be better than that. I always want people to be better than that. Also it will make it that much more uncomfortable if I run into him when I go up to visit my dad :/.

So I’m happy I bit the bullet and asked out a random vanilla man who I found appealing, and I’m disappointed that it couldn’t have finished in the normal way these things end: With a date, maybe a couple of them, some kissing and wine, and a discovery of fundamental incompatibilities before an awkward parting of the ways.

I mean, at least then I’d have gotten some kissing out of it.

[This was where the post ended: Not a bad ending, a bit cute, pretty light, I was happy with it, but before I could hit post…]


Some 24 hours after I sent the text (and just before I was going to post this), he did reply. He was a bit cute (“how could you ever be in the too hard basket”), assured me that he was looking forward to catching up, and to please not feel like I was being blown off (which is clearly what I did feel, of course).

The family issues that he warned me might make him unavailable on the weekend are apparently stretching out much longer than he had thought and it’s not going well and it’s not going away.

So we agreed on next Wednesday: He will come down around lunchtime.

Did I say ‘let’s see’ in my last post about him? I did.

So, let’s see [redux]…

Loves: 20
Please wait…

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  1. Déjà vu. I feel like I’ve had super similar situations before. And mysteriously, when you’re all done, like “fuck this” done, they bob back up suddenly eager. It’s like to give one whiplash. I hope it pans out if for no other reason than it could be an interesting meeting.

    1. Ha! We do make it so complicated. I *could* have just dropped it, but I do this… never… so it was worth another nudge.

      It’s SO unlike online dating though: With those, I don’t suggest a meeting unless I’ve talked to him for a while, I know him and like him and I’m genuinely interested.

      With this, neither of us are invested. We are literally strangers who each superficially think the other is a bit of alright, so I guess lacklustre is to be expected. If I think about it, when a man I don’t know asks me out, I expect him to do the chasing: After all, *he’s* the one who expressed interest. So arguably, turnabout is fair play.

      I’m hoping he’s worth at LEAST some kissing :).


  2. Ha! I was hoping when I saw your tweets about writing something then it all changing that you’d post about it. I didn’t think you’d be one into vaguebooking (have you heard of that? It’s that infuriating thing people do on facebook where they go *sigh* or something and expect people to ask whats wrong. I hate it, it needs to die with fire. Then possibly be nuked from orbit, because its the only way to be sure).

    That how much is too much chasing is just such a nightmare isn’t it? On one side you’ve invested some already, on the other side you are already writing it off to be a bad deal and don’t want to act desperate. I’m glad he came back to you, and it was really cute he let you know in good time he couldn’t make that last date. You made some really good points about “soft no’s” being just the worst.. I wish they’d teach that sort of thing at school. People not saying what they mean and people ghosting are two of the modern ‘ughs’.

    Hope the date comes off this time and you aren’t left wondering, or in having to decide “your life is too complicated for me right now, give me a call when things simplify”

    1. Heh… no vaguebooking :).

      Though it IS odd to write about it here. Online, I’m super connected everywhere, so anyone in the F/m sphere who I might be considering dating will find my blog. This is the first time in FOREVER that there is 100% no link between ‘me’ and ‘Ferns’ and it’s very freeing: ‘Ooh look, I can spill all the things!’ :P.

      “That how much is too much chasing is just such a nightmare isn’t it?”

      Yes! It just takes up too much headspace.

      I’m happy to go after what I want, and I’m okay to do some chasing, but I 100% do NOT want to go hounding a man who isn’t interested. Judging ‘level of interest’ is hard, and honestly in this instance ‘yes you’re attractive and I’m curious’ is the best I can expect at this stage.

      This is in sharp contrast to ‘OMG A DOMME IS INTERESTED IN ME!!!! *freaks out*‘ that I get a lot in the F/m domain :).


  3. Ferns, I adore you. I’ve been following you relentlessly for months. As a woman who has only in the last 7 months begun to unravel, unearth and claim and love her dominant nature, you perfectly encapsulate me as (also) a vulnerable and hopeful creature. Always. Did I mention I adore you?

    1. Thank you so much :)).

      I’m so pleased that I’ve been able to contribute to your explorations: I hope you are finding all the wonderful things.


    1. Why would I read a book that is essentially ‘how to get a man by pretending to be someone you’re not’?

      I also didn’t read ‘how to entice a man by pleasing him in bed’ or ‘how to suppress your desires so you can marry an arsehole’.

      Seriously, no I did not.


      1. Just wondering what “The Rules” as written by Miss Ferns would be. Also wondering what ever happened to your erotic novel – not that I think about it at all. Like, hardly ever!

        1. Heh… that book would short.

          I’m working on it. Though I think about it more than I work on it. So there’s that.

          I am not great at storytelling. This is no surprise to me. As a result my characters are stuck in a room and I don’t know how to get them out. HALP!

          Or something like that :P.


  4. While I do wish you all the luck in the world in this endeavor, from a guy’s point of view I have to say I’m not optimistic. :) Especially given the wistful hope this guy is going to turn out to be a submissive. Hope I’m proven wrong.


    1. WHY ARE YOU MAKING A SMILEY FACE AT ME AFTER SAYING HOW ‘NOT OPTIMISTIC’ YOU ARE?! Pretty sure that should not be a smiley face.

      “And anyway, it’s probably not going to work out :)”.

      But yeah, his interest is lacklustre at best. Can’t say I blame him: Strange-woman-who-he-knows-nothing-about makes him travel for over an hour just for a drink. I mean, ‘young and beautiful’ only takes you so far! Plus I connect with very few people, so it’s a long shot, but I’m taking it. No guts, no glory and all that :).

      “Especially given the wistful hope this guy is going to turn out to be a submissive”

      Whose wistful hope? What are you even reading?! Are you sure you are reading what I wrote and not just plucking things out of the ether?


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