Prior to my blog existing, I had 100% success rate with meeting submissive men and having the meeting lead to a relationship. Since having the blog, becoming single, and with the blog linked from my profiles everywhere, my success rate is down to zero (keep in mind that I meet *very* few men, I really only meet those who I believe have real potential). Essentially, since having the blog, my ‘foolproof’ method is no longer working.
I mentioned in yesterday’s post that my blog was cock blocking me (though ‘cock blocking’ is not quite the right word here…). I’ve written about this before: my concern that my blog might cause me problems in finding a partner: Hello my name is….
What I was thinking about when I first wrote about this was that problems might arise because of a mismatch between ‘Ferns’ (blog-me) and ME-me. Not because I misrepresent myself here, but because what I write here is *too much information* for someone who doesn’t know me. It is a peek into my most private relationships and thoughts. It is a window through which someone gets glimpses of who I am in strobe-light flashes of my choosing, and they can build a pretty powerful picture of ‘Ferns’ with it.
What I feared would happen is that potential partners would have difficulty putting aside ‘Ferns’ in order to get to know *me*. I know that sounds patronising, as if I think these men are stupid, but it’s NOT that. Words have power: they evoke emotion and kinship, and they can build pictures that resonate deeply, so if someone *knows* and really connects with ‘Ferns’, I have to kind of fight her off to get to him.
What I have found, though, is that it hasn’t really happened like that. That’s a good thing. There *is* some cognitive dissonance, but not enough to cause that particular issue.
But what HAS happened, I think, is a cycle of forgiveness between us that is based on what they know and like of me from the blog, and how I react to that.
What I mean by that is complex, so I’m going to try and break it down.
- I talk to someone who has read my blog and thinks I am beyond awesome (I am, truly!)
- Maybe he has been a long time reader, maybe he admits to having had a crush for a while
- I love that, I am sucker for crushes, I adore them, so I am all ego-stroked from it
- We start to talk, we like each other, there is ‘something’ there
- He gets to know the ‘real’ me, but still, the background crush is there, humming away
- I am all aglow with his effusive sweetness that underlies our contact
- He blossoms under my attention, not just because I am awesome, but because I am ‘Ferns’ (who he ‘knows’ already)
- Still, it all seems like it is going well
BUT (and here it comes)
- We are mismatched in some way/s and this starts to become evident in our conversations
- He forgives me the disconnect/s, finds reasons why it will be okay, and this is at least partly *because I am ‘Ferns’ who he knows and likes already*. I have this momentum behind me that doesn’t really belong to me, but to my blog
- I am enamoured by his optimism and enthusiasm, so I *also* make excuses for why things I would otherwise consider a big deal aren’t that important
- Repeat the above, we meet, and the niggly things that we thought weren’t such a big deal prove to be serious incompatibilities
That shouldn’t be a surprise! But what’s essentially happening is that his view of me from my blog colours how he treats me, and I am influenced by that treatment. It’s like some kind of emotional blindness on both sides.
If ‘Ferns’ didn’t exist, I am pretty sure we wouldn’t skip so lightly past the things that are niggling at us as potential problems, but what he knows of me already turns his desire to make it work up to 11, so things get pushed aside. And I get caught up in this incredible sweetness that he delivers to me on a silver platter because of all the groundwork ‘Ferns’ has done for me already.
If I had to stand alone again without her influence, without the soft filter and crush-momentum, any boy I talk to would have a much more clear-minded view of me, and I think we would both be much more willing to say, ‘Hmmm… okay, this is not working right… how bad is it? Really? That bad? Yeah, I think we have a show-stopper here.”
Instead, we both go “But I really LIKE you!” and we kick it under the carpet.
I’m thinking of creating a separate profile that isn’t linked to my blog, and seeing if I can woo some boys with it. Start from scratch. See how that goes.
So if you are a lovely submissive man out there, and you get a random email from some strange dominant woman, be nice to me, mmmkay?