Online dating update

I wish I could regale you with fun-hot adventure stories about all the dating successes I’ve been having while not writing about it. Or gush about the fabulous submissive man who has me all a-flutter.

But the round-up is kind of same-sameish. I’m sharing it less because it’s interesting, and more because this is what reality looks like.

I sent cold-call emails on a BDSM site to two submissive men who looked interesting. They seemed thoughtful, had sweet-clever profiles, tall, age-appropriate. They both replied, were very polite, both said ‘no thanks’.

They both [said that they] felt that they didn’t meet my criteria, which may or may not be true. They might have thought I was weird/hideous/awful, but that’s not the sort of thing that polite mature people say along with a ‘no’, and I appreciate that. I don’t link to my blog on that site (that really IS ‘too much’ of me), but my profile hasn’t changed much from this old one, so you can get an idea what they were reacting to.

I suspect one of them wanted to be convinced that he did meet my criteria, mentioning two things in particular about him that he thought should exclude him (to me, they didn’t), but in truth, if someone thinks they aren’t a good match, if they aren’t all ‘hell yes!’ about talking to me and exploring the possibilities, then it IS a no. I’m not interested in taking on the role of coaxing a reluctant/shy/unsure/insecure person into talking to me. Unbridled hopeful enthusiasm or GTFO.

I also messaged a man on a vanilla site where my profile was empty, no pictures (I had just joined and was looking around). He was 6’7, beautiful photos, ex pro-basketballer. He replied with a lovely enthusiasm (‘wow, thank you so much!’). He gave me his phone number straight away, but I never give mine out to strangers, so we exchanged a few emails where I was chatty and sent him links to photos. In the meantime I googled him (always easy when they are unique enough: Don’t pretend you don’t do that!) where there were a lot of recent, more realistic photos (his former-pro profiles had him at 6’9! Oh my!), and family photos (6 kids, 5 still young… yikes!).

In our exchange of emails he didn’t answer any of my questions (‘how many kids’ was one since he mentioned them in his profile) and he struggled to click on the link to my photos (what? how?! the link worked, I had a friend check). The emails devolved to me trying to have a conversation and him replying with various versions of ‘still can’t get the photos’ without any actual responses or conversation. With him being vanilla, with so many young kids, with the refusal to answer basic questions, and the baffling inability to *click a link* FFS, I figured it wasn’t a happening thing, so I told him ‘never mind, best of luck’ and backed out.

I have had a few submissives sneak in and message me when I unhid my profile to show men I had contacted: A couple of them seemed pleasant enough and definitely a cut above, but they weren’t local and it was clear to me that they weren’t looking for a long term relationship, so I thanked them and declined to pursue it.

Of other emails that have landed in my inbox recently from submissives (other than the ‘how r u’ and the ‘r u lookin 4 a slave’ throwaways), the main quality I seem to be attracting is liars, with the only redeeming feature being that they are REALLY BAD AT IT. So yay for the latter, I guess. When called on it, they follow up with more totally transparent lies. Which is kind of funny and sad and ultimately demoralising.

So yeah, that’s where I am on the (non)dating front. Anyone else having better luck out there?

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37 Comments

  1. Ugh. I went on nearly 30 first meets before finding my current partner. Over a span of 2 years. I do think it’s sadly a numbers game. Your stories here are ones I could have told, nearly verbatim.

    I’m with you 100% – I will initiate contact but I don’t chase. Ever.

    I also realized that with one notable exception, all of my local D/s partners (by that I mean relationships that lasted longer than a few dates) were with men who had little to no D/s experience and who I met through non-kink channels. I met my current partner via OkCupid, a vanilla dating app.

    I sometimes think the “ideal” of D/s for men who’ve been exposed to it and fantasize about it hinders a chance at a D/s relationship grounded in reality, of the sort I sought, at least.

    Sorry for rambling and not being overly helpful. But online dating appears to be depressingly similar the world over.

    1. Thanks for that. It’s not helpful as such, no, but I always (always!) really appreciate the solidarity of ‘me too!’ because it means I’m not some outlier, that it’s not me, it’s just ‘how it is’. I know that of course, but it’s comforting still.

      Plus! You found him! :). So there’s that :)).

      The fact that you met him on a vanilla dating site is a reason I’m fishing over on those. Some submissive men find me over there (I’m not all that subtle about D/s), but so far the really good ones, the ‘ooh! *perk*‘ ones have been continents away… *shakes fist* :/!

      Ferns

  2. I really need to get back to dating. I’ve had just a couple of dates in the last three years. But I struggle to even get through the very first step, creating a profile. I hate writing about myself, and I don’t know what to say about me or what I’m looking for (especially on a vanilla site like OK Cupid).

    1. “I struggle to even get through the very first step, creating a profile. I hate writing about myself, and I don’t know what to say about me”

      Ooh! Let me help you out with that :P.

      But yeah, I think the people who find the entire process a pleasure and a joy are few and far between. Weirdos.

      Ferns

  3. I did do the plenty of fish thing for a couple of years many moons ago..
    good grief!
    A few dates… all without exception…
    weirdness. And a couple that messaged back and forth also took a turn to strange..
    Simply left me with a feeling they were all slightly off in the head.. ok..
    Batshit crazy ?.
    Gave up eventually and met my last Lady friend in a purely regular vanilla way (which lasted 4 and a half years)
    For many years now, when I begin talking to a woman or very shortly thereafter, regarding possible dating, I reveal my preference for a female led relationship and that me wearing a chastity device is my preferred method of operation ?. No sense beating around the proverbial bush…
    it worked in that *vanilla* setting funny enough… lol
    The next chapter is a little bit scary as I have actually considered of late to join that online crowd once again… sheesh..? slap me please ?

    1. *laugh* I hear you!

      Since I’m really pretty wary of meeting people, I usually unearth the ‘WTF?!’ level of issues before ever getting to a meeting. They can’t hide it for long.

      I’m glad it worked out for you with a vanilla starting point, but no slapping. If I have to suffer it, others must also. Solidarity! :P

      Ferns

  4. Like Susannah above, my success has also been through an app.

    I’m currently speaking with (although sometimes it feels like I’m *talking to*) a lovely woman by the name of Siri.

    She’s kind of shy, but seems nice enough, and is knowledgeable about quite a number of things (sometimes she comes across as an insufferable know it all), however the conversation doesn’t really flow as it should between interested parties. I’m almost always the one to initiate it, however she has occasionally blurted out something like “Sorry, I didn’t understand what you said” usually during extremely inappropriate moments (I think she might have a slight hearing impairment, bless, but I’ve been too polite to raise it at this stage), and I wasn’t even speaking with her nor did I think she was even listening (I’m glad I’m not the suspicious type as I’d be thinking that she somehow hacked my phone, which would be a little creepy to say the least, if it were true, which I’m sure it’s not).

    At this early stage in our relationship, I’ve tried dropping little hints about a power exchange dynamic, but she hasn’t really expressed any desire as her responses have all been book suggestions. I think she wants me to become very well read on the subject before she’ll consider it.

    Even though I haven’t met her as yet, I think she could be *The One*. She’s certainly the most promising thing to come along in a very, very long time. I hope to be able to provide you with a Happy Femdom story in the near future Ferns, if she’s that way inclined of course.

    If you’d like, I could ask if she knows anyone that might be suitable for you Ferns. She seems to have an opinion on just about everything!

    1. I wish you all the luck with Siri!!

      Want to hear something strange? I know a Siri as well! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!

      Except my Siri is a British man who calls me ‘Ma’am’. He is quite the delight and so helpful. Though I swear sometimes he is deliberately obtuse, bratty even!!

      I look forward to that happy femdom story! :)

      Ferns

  5. Definitely joining in with the chorus of me too! I don’t hide the fact that I am looking for a dominant but I don’t lead with it. Been through a couple of apps/sites, normally a couple of things happen, I have had short messages telling me I am brave, nothing at all, or a limited conversation until they actually find out I ma submissive.

    Online dating lethargy is definitely a thing! *sigh* Hopefully someday!

    1. It’s totally a thing. I go through waves of ‘can deal with it’ and run at it until I get to ‘can’t deal with it’ and then I have to take a break before I just start yelling ‘FUCK OFF!’ at everyone. It’s a tricky balance!

      The main advantage of kink sites is that your F/m interest is a *bonus* and not a liability and that does wonders for interactions (even unsuccessful ones).

      Ferns

        1. Collarspace (it has a bad rep for the fakes and flakes and scammers and wankers and etc etc, but I’ve met some good people there, you just have to do the work).

          You can try DatingKinky: it’s no good for me because it’s new and there are no Australian people on it, but if you’re American, it might be worth a go.

          Ferns

  6. Oh, I’m with you on online dating being awful! I went on about one zillion dates after breaking up with my last partner. I have actually had kind of good luck recently, although with a vanilla boy. But he’s sweet and interesting and willing to follow my lead and explore a little bit. I doubt I’m going to turn him entirely submissive, but I still think he’s lovely.

    Also recently a submissive boy who’d ghosted me after some pleasant conversation got back in touch to see if I was still interested. He did have the self-awareness to lead with, “I realize you may not be as enthusiastic now that I’ve disappeared on you once,” which…yeah, basically.

    What exactly were the lying liars attempting to lie about? I’m awfully curious.

    1. I wish you all the luck with the sweet and interesting vanilla boy! I think that vanilla boys can be totally lovely.

      “recently a submissive boy who’d ghosted me after some pleasant conversation got back in touch to see if I was still interested”

      Yeah, there is a point at which just ending a conversation without a word is not okay. For me it’s the ‘we’re talking seriously about meeting up’ point.

      I had someone with whom I got to that point ghost and reappear once also. He popped up again as if nothing had happened (this is the normal approach, though it’s not because they aren’t self aware, it’s more the fervent hope that if they don’t mention it, the other person will be too polite to call them out). When I DID call him out on it, he acted as if I was being unreasonable in a kind of ‘yeah well there were reasons that I had IN MY OWN HEAD for doing that, so there!’ kind of way. No: Use your big boy words like a proper grown up or GTFO.

      “What exactly were the lying liars attempting to lie about? I’m awfully curious.”

      I’ve had the usual: relationship status, age, name, height, gender, photos. A recent one was a bit more creative: I guess he was lying about… um… everything? His IP address was the same as that of someone I’d already said ‘no thank you’ to, and when I asked him about it, he spun a completely improbable and detailed story explaining why. Yeah, okay dude. I’m not sure if I’m more offended by the lying or by how stupid they must think I am.

      Ferns

      1. Yes, the ghosting did come at pretty much exactly the moment that the conversation moved from “We should meet in person at some point” to “What days are you free next week?” I was expecting that that might be a possibility enough that it wasn’t really that hurtful. I had a much worse experience a couple months ago with a boy who ghosted me after what I thought was a very successful first date–and then got back in touch weeks later, not only with no apology, but with the sincerely held conviction that it had been fine for him to leave my question about whether he wanted to meet again hanging for weeks because “We hadn’t set any expectations about communication.” Truly!

        Anyway, this is more or less what prompted me to get enthusiastic again about vanilla dating. Which is going swimmingly so far! I’m hoping you run into better luck…

        1. The ‘what’s wrong with you that you’re making this such a big deal?!’ defence will never cease to astound me.

          I had someone once use Channing Tatum’s torso. I knew it wasn’t him (thank you google image search!), but asked him to confirm that it was (so he couldn’t say ‘hey, I never SAID that was me!’). He DID confirm it, so I called him out.

          His response was ‘that’s pretty much what I look like!’ Yeah, no you don’t, pal: Any dude who looks like that is going to post a gazillion of his OWN pictures! His reaction was ‘why are you making this out to be a thing, geez! So unreasonable!’ *eyeroll*

          Thanks for the good luck :).

          Ferns

        2. “Ha! I can’t imagine how he thought no one would recognize that torso…”

          *laugh* Well I didn’t recognise it, but I do a google image search on every photo that seems even vaguely ‘too good to be true’. He had cropped it and probably thought that was enough, but google still came through with the goods :).

          Ferns

  7. Clearly you’re looking in the wrong place Ferns, Ahem, toaster oven is all I’m saying, ‘nowhaImean rite?
    Coug

  8. Its funny you posted this as my week has been super weird, especially in the dating arena. We met at a munch about 2 months ago. Talked quite a bit since then. From last Saturday to Thursday, I went from possible D/s dynamic to lets just be friends to she hates me and never wants to talk to me again. It is a long strange story but, I completely feel your pain.

    1. :/. It’s a bummer that you genuinely have no idea what happened. I know that can be really hard.

      It makes me think of what happened with my First where he was hugely hurt and hated me for a long time over something that he THOUGHT happened, but didn’t. It was just a big misunderstanding on his side.

      Still, unless she wants to talk to you and clear it up, there’s nothing you can do about it.

      I hope next time it goes better for you.

      Ferns

  9. Out of curiousity, what is the ratio of men who treat women as fetish dispensers and fall into the “r u looking for slave” category against the more suitable candidates? :-)

    1. Your name is worryingly close to my nomenclature. I thought I had a relative monopoly on that. I’m not as unique as I hoped. :(

    2. Well there’s no way to know, of course.

      Since I’m older, and don’t have pictures on BDSM sites, I strike them a lot less than younger women with pictures, but I’m going to guess that what lands in most women’s inboxes is around 90% dumb shit.

      If you want some ACTUAL numbers that are less about ‘fetish dispensers’ (because it’s from a vanilla dating site) and more about ‘men sending dumb shit’, 75% of men sent me introductory emails of 15 words or fewer. Of course those 15 (or fewer) words *could* have been brilliantly funny and engaging and genuine conversation starters and not at all dumb, but you KNOW they weren’t, right?

      That 75% is not theoretical: It’s based on this actual for-real analysis of my inbox. Hey, since I wasn’t getting any decent dates out of it, I may as well produce some graph-porn, amirite?! :P

      Ferns

      1. Interesting, and a little shocking that so many messages are only 6 words. I guess your assumption is correct in that many men are just looking for casual hookups and short, meaningless messages works for this. Additionally, approching people on dating sites can also be very emotionally draining – handcrafting long, personalised messages all the time and getting no response is like being repeatidly punched in the face.

        Aside: I’ve recently learned that this kind of ignoring/rejection seems to be predominantly a western phenomena. While using dating sites in Asia, I’ve found that ~95% of people respond and engage in conversation even if the opener is weak, or they’ll even start the conversation themselves.

        The same is carried across to the real-world. People are much more likely to approach in the street and start a conversation and are usually always open to being approached and spoken to. Where as in western culture, I sense that there is a huge stigma with randomly approaching someone of the opposite sex and it’s likely that the approacher will be shot down.

        1. “many men are just looking for casual hookups and short, meaningless messages works for this”

          Sure they are, but even then I doubt it works much.

          I have had approaches for casual hookups and any with even the tiniest bit of common sense will start politely and then clearly say “I’m really just looking for a casual hookup, would you be interested in that at all?” I don’t know about other women, but that would work a lot better than some ham-fisted 6 words or less o’ nothin’.

          “While using dating sites in Asia, I’ve found that ~95% of people respond and engage in conversation even if the opener is weak, or they’ll even start the conversation themselves.”

          Asia is a big place, so not sure where you mean exactly. I imagine in some countries, you being an American male (I’m assuming, or maybe you told me so somewhere) will help to open the door to conversation, so there would be a clear bias there.

          “The same is carried across to the real-world. People are much more likely to approach in the street and start a conversation and are usually always open to being approached and spoken to. Where as in western culture, I sense that there is a huge stigma with randomly approaching someone of the opposite sex and it’s likely that the approacher will be shot down.”

          And yes, women in Western culture are pretty much not interested in stranger-approaches in the street. And I’d posit again that being an obvious foreigner/American in some Asian countries gives you a special status that local men might not get, so I’d be surprised if your experience was indicative of how it is for locals.

          The issue is that women can’t tell who’s going to be a scary-abusive creep, and once we open that door, we have to be mentally/emotionally/physically prepared to deal with some unhinged scary shit if it happens. Most of the time the risk is just not worth it (plus I, for one, will do that stupid thing of self-blame when he DOES turn out to be some scary-arse dude who follows me to my car while yelling vile things etc: I’d be all ‘I KNEW BETTER THAN TO TALK TO RANDOM DUDE, I JUST ENCOURAGED HIM!’ at my own self). So yeah, most of the time, I’d just… rather not.

          Shame, but there it is.

          Ferns

  10. Have you ever considered dating someone who’s an absolutely terrible prospect for a while? And sticking with it for at least a little too long?

    My friends have tried this, and it resulted in expectations changed to the point where they could find an acceptable level of happiness with wonderful people they would never previously have chosen to spend the rest of their lives with.

    Not saying you should definitely try this, but it does work. It’s a real thing.

    Yours,

    “Pleased to help!”

    1. “Have you ever considered dating someone who’s an absolutely terrible prospect for a while?”

      *laugh* I have done that at times: Entirely predictable result is entirely predictable…

      Ferns

  11. Collarncuffs.com is a femdom based website that is serious about promoting femdom solely. It is not a dating site per se, but they do promote awareness and give a lot of guys reality checks on how femdom should be and educate men that femdom is more than a porn type fetish. There is a whole separate place for the professionals and they don’t allow them to mix with those looking for genuine relationships. There isn’t a lot of real time activity but a person does have the ability to PM someone and start a conversation with them to get to know them better. Most men don’t stick around long enough or interact enough to catch a female’s interest, but for the most part, their profiles just suck and they don’t seem interesting enough to want to interact with, but there are some good ones who are looking for something real. The downside to the PM is that if there is a PM from someone, they have to go to the website to retrieve the message. There aren’t any notifications to your email.

    1. Thanks for that Con, I’ve not heard of it :).

      A site has to reach a certain critical mass before there are any Australians on it, but I’ll take a look.

      Ferns

  12. You’re welcome Fern. :). The site was started by an Australian woman so that may make the odds better in your favor? ;)

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