I talked about my book already, but I thought I’d share some highlights.
Firstly, I have to say that finding a partner is hard. Finding an F/m partner is even harder. It just is. Not just for submissive men, but for dominant women also, I should know (feel like I should start singing ‘Single Ladies’ now…).
Trust me, fabulous submissive men, we WANT to find you.
But in my experience, some submissive men who have the potential to be amazing partners get in their own way when it comes to finding, attracting, and approaching dominant women.
Sometimes it’s inexperience, sometimes it’s fear, sometimes it’s an overall misunderstanding of the social environment. And sometimes it’s a combination of a whole bunch of things.
It’s not surprising, really. There is a LOT of information (and mis-information) out there, and the stock standard response to broad questions like ‘how do I find a dominant woman’ can end up being ‘everyone is different’ and ‘there is no answer’. Which might be true enough in a broad sense, but it leaves those who ask floundering.
So, my top ten tips:
- Create an awesome online profile
This is important and relevant even if you are meeting people out in the community: they will ask for your online Fetlife profile to friend you. If you don’t know how to create a good one, here: ‘How to Write an Awesome Online Profile’ (yes yes, I did just spruik my own book here while talking about my OTHER book, I’m doubling down, baby…)
- Educate yourself
Expecting your potential partner to spoon feed you information about BDSM, D/s, or F/m is laying a lot of emotional labour on someone. If you are new, no-one expects you to know everything, not at all, but make an effort to at least learn concepts and terminology outside of what you’ve seen in porn.
- Be clear and honest (with yourself and with others)
If you don’t know what you want, at least work out broad strokes (see 2 above, consider it part of your education). What you want is likely to change over time, but having an idea is vital. Above all don’t pretend to want or to be what someone else wants just to get their time and attention: it’s dishonest and hurtful.
- Internalise the fact that dominant women are just people
They aren’t an alien species that live in some rarified environment of domliness. They are just normal folks like you and me. Don’t forget that.
- Hone your vanilla social skills
Related to 4. above: You have probably interacted with dominant women out the world without knowing it. I expect you were polite and pleasant and not-too-weirdly-domstruck. Bring those skills into play.
- Go where the dominant women are
Whether it’s online, in the BDSM community, or even in vanilla spaces, go into those spaces. If you stay quiet and never take the risk to put yourself out there, you will never have any positive results.
- Determine compatibility
Online, figure out if you’re compatible before you contact someone. If she’s looking for X and you are Y, don’t contact her: You aren’t the exception. Obviously in face-to-face situations, you have to just talk to people old-school style, make friends, see what’s what.
- When you approach, be interesting and interested
The bar is low. So fucking low it’s not even funny. Dominant women are bombarded with dross (‘hey’, ‘how r u’ are examples of the polite version of dross). Do better, be better. Trust me, it’s not hard.
- Be YOU
A dominant woman who is a good fit for you has to see you, for real. Not some pretend-supersubly version of you. So don’t be afraid to be the geeky, nerdy, extroverted, shy, smart, opinionated, sarcastic, hilarious, something-something person that makes up ‘who you are’. You aren’t going to be a match for every dominant woman: You have to find the one who fits the particular awesome that makes you, you.
- Get my book ‘How To Find A Dominant Woman’ :P
For useful, actionable, no-nonsense help and examples on how to do all of the above and more, go and grab my book, ‘How To Find A Dominant Woman’: It will give you a running start.
i’ve dated off of match and pof …
and of the four relationships .. i exposed them all to
the idea of femdom … none of them ever had anything but vanilla..
all of them around 50 years old… very fit .. as i am..
2 of them .. no interest at all..
2 of them LOVE it – they ARE dominatrixes that never had the exposure, opportunity or knowledge of
how great it could be .. one was into being serviced and humiliation ..
the second is ( and currently ) into more delivering a little pain and wants to cuckold..
i believe a LOT of women would love it , if it was exposed and offered to them in the right way
I’m really glad you have had such success with it.
I talk about this more in my book, it’s complicated: But in my 20+ years of experience, there are only a lucky few who discover really-for-real latent D/s tendencies in vanilla partners. It’s rare, so the 50% you mention is a great outcome. I also think it’s much easier to find light bedroom or D/s play vs actual D/s-based relationships, so there’s a scale there.
Sadly, I hear few success stories. I hear far more frequently from people for whom the NRE (New Relationship Energy) period has ended and they find themselves in a relationship with someone they love but where the initial interest in D/s has waned.
In short: There are valid reasons to choose the vanilla route, so going in with a clear idea of what’s realistic and what’s not is really important.
I’m curious about this, NRE can really just blow the seams out, especially as fetish gets piled upon fetish, ideas get churned up, and a lot of fantasies get played out sometimes without even doing them; thus making it almost mundane when it occurs. I think online discussions can be a bit destructive in this regard, especially.
I would like to know how the the relationships ended up, though, after the D/s interest waned.
“Internalise the fact that dominant women are just people
They aren’t an alien species that live in some rarified environment of domliness. They are just normal folks like you and me. Don’t forget that”
Excuse me? Speak for yourself lady! Some of us are not normal at all. . .
Errr that’s probably not going to look exactly good on my resume is it?
*laugh* I’m happy to call you abnormal anytime :P.
Seriously though, some newbie submissive men don’t think it’s objectifying to ‘other’ dominant women (because ‘superior’ or ‘goddess’ etc, so it must be a good thing, amirite?!), but it IS objectifying. It works great for role play or pretending, but sucks donkey balls for any kind of relationship building.
Damn it Ferns why are you always so bloody reasonable! *giggles*
Irritating isn’t it?! :P
Great list, Fern. I’ve worked a lot on myself over the years, and while I’m still submissive I’m very confident, engaging, social, and all of that took work on dropping bad habits and building good ones.
Interestingly enough, my Domme found me. Just plucked me out of the vanilla crowd during a few interactions. She sensed submissiveness, but also confidence, drive, and my outwardly expressed human qualities. It’s much, much more than being a little slave boy that does everything the woman says to do.
Good for you, and thank you.
I’m happy for your plucking and I do hope you remain well-plucked for a long time to come :).
“They are just normal folks like you and me”. Except that their strength of will is greater than yours. :)
This is a great list. It’s something I just have no knowledge of so it’s really interesting to get some good advice from someone who knows what they’re talking about.
Thank you: I’m glad you found it useful :).
Ive read the comments with interest, and realize that I’m unfortunately five years too late to comment, however I’ve noticed a lot of talking of roleplaying and fetish kinda, but my question is , what if has a man i want the full lifestyle. To serve my lady 24/7 whether that be as a sexual, domestic or company servant. I have dabbled and dipped my toes in, and yes there is a huge erotic thrill to the sexual side, but i also have the need not to think for myself but instead concentrate a woman to love and serve who will make far better decisions than i ever would.
I would be interested to hear any opinions.
I’m not sure what comments you’re reading, Chris. This is ALL about finding an actual for-real relationship with a dominant woman. If you want more information, buy my book: It will help.
Well, this was surely an education. I can see it being a challenge though, since I am a socially withdrawn introvert and have no problem admitting it. I can say I should probably start with your book on how to create a successful online profile. I’ve done online dating before and have never been good with it. I’ve even been on Fetlife, with no results. I’m sure it had a lot to do with the aforementioned difficulties though. At least I can say I have done my research. That’s one thing I’m good at.
I’m glad it was an education for you.
As it happens, I’m also an introvert. But honestly the only part of this that requires you to step out socially is the ‘going to meet someone’ part, and of course that’s unavoidable if you, you know, want a relationship with them.