Personal advert

I have never actively sought a partner and I have never advertised for one when I have been single. Why? Because it makes me feel uncomfortable: Like I’m a used car to be looked over and assessed for road worthiness, to have my tyres kicked, to have strangers look under the hood and take me for a test drive, and frankly, that makes me feel icky.

It feels to me as if running an ad and vetting responses makes the *most* common denominator the fact that we are both looking for someone. That squicks me. I tend to think that ‘Hey, we both want a relationship, let’s see if we fit’ is completely the wrong place to start. The right place is ‘Hey, you seem awesome, let’s talk about box girder bridges!’

My gazillion comments on FL, my nearly 800+ (eek!) posts here, THAT’S my ad. If someone finds me interesting, intriguing, funny, awesome, and they are motivated to have a chat to me because I am all that and a bag of chips, then yay! I *am* all of those things (did I mention ego already? I should have!) and I much prefer that someone goes ‘Oh my, she’s fascinating… Must. Know. More!’ *regardless* of my singularity or not.

But but but…

IT ISN’T WORKING.

So I posted a personal ad. An actual one, like I am a used car. COME AND SNIFF MY LEATHER SEATS!!

Here it is:

At the beach, 13 May

Seeking a long term romantic D/s relationship: a lover, friend, partner, submissive and all round amazing man who is just as comfortable wandering a weekend market sweetly holding hands as he is cooking me dinner before finding himself collared and naked in my bedroom.

Me: Difficult reserved introvert, hard work, articulate, smart, attractive, lazy, selfish (yeah, I know: a real catch, right?! Ha! Can’t say you weren’t warned…). Generally easy going, but I know what I want and lose interest if I don’t get it.

You: Funny, fit, fabulous, fuckable and other f-words (some of them rude) who reads the above and goes ‘I am the god she needs kneeling at her feet!’

You are a wordsmith, a thinker, an original and eclectic dreamy eyed romantic who loves kissing and violence, and who blossoms under the affectionate hand of his woman.

You have an optimistic and boyish outlook on the world, and a sense of humour that lends itself to silliness and bouncing. I’d love to see some of that.

I’m willing to deal with distance if we have a remarkable connection (I have a soft spot for North American boys), and if we can come up with a realistic and actionable plan to overcome it (that’s going to be on your dime, though). Edited to add: I’m relocatable if it comes to that.

If you are going to step up and contact me, please have your shit together. I don’t have the patience or interest to deal with instability (emotional, mental, financial, general ‘life-in-disarray’-edness (is SO a word!)). Please be single, monogamous, dependent-free, over 5’10, and under 50.

…What? You expected more?

Well, you’ll just have to talk to me then, won’t you?

It is not linked to my blog for all these reasons, but despite all of that I do still have a little hopeful soft spot for the idea that a lovely boy who reads my blog and who would fit with me is out there reading this, and thinking ‘Hey that’s so me!’

So this is your call out: If you think I might be pretty awesome, and you fit the bill, then come and talk to me, you just never know: ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com.

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30 Comments

  1. You are not just “pretty Awesome”, you are completely fabulous in more ways than I can count. You are a wonderful mixture of interesting, smart, clever, intriguing, VERY funny, and downright sexy. Any boy would be way beyond lucky to be owned by you. ~sigh~

    Unfortunately, the big problem is that it’s I who wouldn’t fit *your* bill. *sad face, pout*

    Let’s see, even though I just barely squeak by in the height requirement. (By half an inch) and I don’t have any dependents, (unless you count an ancient cat, and a surly parrot) There a couple of major flies in the ointment.

    First of all, I haven’t been a “Boy” for almost a decade, (using 50 as the outer limit of “boyhood”) so I suppose that’s a show stopper right there.

    Then, there is the ”general ‘life-in-disarray’-edness”, *cringe* Without going into details, let’s just say that I need to greet each day with a whip and chair in hand, just to keep the lid on. Yeah, I’ll get a handle on it one of these days, but it’s not a pretty sight right now.

    You know, if I were two inches taller, fifteen years younger, good looking, and had my shit together, we’d be a perfect match! I guess I’ll have to be content to admire from the distance, (heh, I’m also 9000 miles away) and root for you to find that fabulous god to kneel at your feet.

    Wishing you all the best, because you deserve only the best.

    1. @Slapshot..

      “Unfortunately, the big problem is that it’s I who wouldn’t fit *your* bill. *sad face, pout*

      See that is exactly what I was speaking on last night of we tend to find those that fit our bill but we don’t fit theirs. I may write on that later.

      Respectfully,
      mysticlez

    2. @slapshot: Thank you for the lovely compliments and good wishes.

      Also, you sound really negative in your run-down and I won’t have it. WON’T HAVE IT!!

      Whether you meet my criteria or not is immaterial. You are lovely. So there!

      Ferns

  2. I like your ad it’s honest and straightforward. You know what you want and you expect them to step up to the plate and give you that. I love a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to say it. I think it is courageous of you to put yourself out there like that.

    I can’t put an ad out. I have thought about it. It makes me feel like you described but it also makes me feel as though I appear desperate. Now I don’t think it makes you desperate so please don’t be offended. That is just how it makes *ME* feel.

    You are such a great person. You are intelligent, funny, and beautiful. You are so amazing and you truly deserve everything you desire. Slapshot is right again, the boy you find should be extremely lucky and honored to have the opportunity to be your property. I wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve!

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    1. “I like your ad it’s honest and straightforward.”

      Thanks.

      “I can’t put an ad out. I have thought about it. It makes me feel like you described but it also makes me feel as though I appear desperate.”

      *laugh* No offence taken, and I do know what you mean. I thought about it for quite a while before doing it and it’s still not comfortable for me.

      I just realised that I’m at the stage where what I HAVE been doing (essentially waiting until happenstance has me coming across an amazing man with whom I strike up a conversation) has landed me three dates in the last couple of years. And that would be perfectly FINE with me if my 100% hit rate was still firing. But it’s not.

      “You are such a great person. You are intelligent, funny, and beautiful.”

      Aww. *smile* Thank you. Fingers crossed the right person out there thinks so also.

      We will see.

      Ferns

  3. I love it!!! Can’t wait to see if a diamond in the rough arises out of the crazy, mindless responses you are sure to get. The crazies don’t read! They just respond to a woman who has their stuff together. ;) But this is worth a shot! I’m excited for you!

    ~ Vista

    1. I can’t wait either!

      So far the responses have mostly been wonderful. And by ‘wonderful’, I don’t necessarily mean ‘a match for me’ (not yet anyway), but I DO mean thoughtful, considerate responses from perfectly nice men.

      I am very pleasantly surprised.

      Ferns

    1. Yes! I updated it to add it in.

      For those not on twitter, I was kind of baffled that I seemed to be getting contacted by MANY men who were shorter than me.

      For the record, I did go and count (because DATA!!) and my perception was a little off, which I find interesting.

      Height stats of men who contacted me:

      Under 5’8 (ie ‘short’ to me): 31%
      5’10 (my height) and under: 44%

      So the majority (56%) were actually *taller* than me.

      I think my perception was skewed by the fact that I was including those who viewed, but didn’t contact me in my overall impression (but here I only counted those who sent me an email). But also, in real life, I really NEVER get approached by men who are shorter than me. Not ever.

      So self selection in the real world means that I never really see *any* men shorter than me, so I guess 44% then seems like LOTS!

      Interesting.

      Ferns

  4. h-hi… I’m Dale, I’m a… I’m a 24 year old grad student… I saw your ad and thought I would like to get to know you, d-do you think that’s ok ?

    I’m 5’9 1/2 though, is… is that ok ?

    1. Hello Dale *smile*. OMG, you are totally adorable with the text-stuttering!

      I can forgive the half-inch (I am magnanimous like that), but I happen to know (as an omnipotent being) that you are not local to me, and as a grad student, I imagine that my expectation that you will fund any travel required to make this happen (to meet, to visit a few times, and finally to relocate) is going to be a show stopper.

      Please feel free to email me to talk about it further if you would like.

      Ferns

      1. bahaha

        Now I feel bad, I thought the stuttering would be a total give away.

        I’m curious though, where am I from ?

        1. Stop trying to pretend you are the lovely Dale! I mean he is all sweet and shy and stutter-typing!

          And you are doing evil laughs and playing tricks.

          One of you is not to be trusted!! I am pretty sure it’s YOU!

          Also, I am not telling you where Dale is from. That’s between me and him…

          Ferns

  5. “This blog is for serious stuff and here I am cluttering it with my crap ! Sorry :(”

    It is ??? since when ??? Why don’t I get these memos??? (that’s quite a lot of ??? isn’t it ???) Anyway dating heights and so forth

    Coug

  6. Im 24. im currently studying in Australia and am a grad student. Loved ur article and although I’m only 5’9 I would love to get to know more about u.

    Cheers!

    1. Oh dear Sam I see a spanking (not the good kind either) in your future my lad it’s YOUR and YOU

      Honestly kids today tsk!
      Coug

    2. Thanks sam, but your not meeting my criteria doesn’t work for me. Also, as a personal hint: if you are wanting to make a good impression (especially on older women), avoid text-speak. It just seems lazy.

      Best of luck finding what you are looking for.

      Ferns

  7. Dear Ferns,

    I’m single, monogamous, dependent-free, over 5’10, and under 50. I’m also English, which is kind-of sort-of a bit like the original North American.

    Unfortunately my life is a fucking mess (in most of the ways you mentioned) … but on the other hand I am respectably above 6 feet tall.

    A few extra inches has got to count for something, right?

    Unlikely to be yours,

    Me

    (P.S. Keep trying, you’ll find someone! Wonderful blog, and wonderfully encouraging).

    1. *laugh* Thank you for your ‘here-I-am-not-really’ comment. Very cute!

      Absolutely the extra inches count for something *insert adolescent sniggering here*, and the first boy I ever fell in love with was English, so I have another soft spot there.

      When you get your ‘fucking messes’ sorted, give me a hoy!

      And thank you for the support *smile* – I’m really glad to hear you are finding my blog encouraging!

      Ferns

  8. If I’ve sorted out my messes before you’re busily dominating some gent into a lifetime of happiness, I will be proud to give you the loudest hoy that I can.

    And I will with good grace and civility accept you telling me to keep my shabby arse and balding head back beneath the grey skies of my native land. *grin*

    Incidentally, the courage, dignity and kindness you showed in your post “Not with a bang but a whimper” makes you one of the most adorable people I’ve ever seen talk about relationships on the net. And I’m a man from the North of England; I do *not* use the word adorable lightly.

    All the best,

    Me again (I should *not* have picked ‘Me’ as a name)

    1. *smile* Well, I’ll just wait here for that loud hoy, though really, I do expect you to unshabby your arse as best you can before presenting it to me.

      And I *am* adorable, aren’t I? I’d probably have chosen another word for the entirety of what happened there, but I’ll take ‘adorable’ from the North of England with grace and shall imagine an appropriate accent to go along with that.

      *laugh* ‘Me’ brings up all sorts of opportunities for terrible slapstick comedy of the ‘who’s on first’ kind…

      Ferns

  9. I’ve just read this in relation to your most recent post and I’ve been reading this on and off for a while now. This is the only blog I’ll read on the topic.

    I’m pretty sure you are the perfect kinda domme for me (I’ve never actually had one before). Every time I read your words and inner dialogue part of me just wants to and can imagine picking up the phone and talking with you for hours on end at a time. I don’t think we’d ever get bored of conversation.

    It’ll never happen cos I have a Mrs I’ve been with for quite a long while now and I’m extremely loyal and love the hell out of her. I’m trying to be patient and be there whilst she brings her inner domme out.

    In another alternate reality or life though you’d be absolutely perfect for me.

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